The Pieces of My Life

Reactive Airway Diesease

2012-01-27T06:12:00.000-08:00

This is also something I haven't blogged about. My poor little M's health issues. She officially has Reactive Airways Disease and has been on the nebulizer (or the breathing machine as we call it) for the past 2months, and will continue to stay on it twice a day at least until April :( Good thing is, is that the Dr. thinks she will outgrow it- either by elementary school, or if we are one of the lucky ones- high school.

Basically every time she even gets a slight runny nose (even if its from teething and not cold, etc.) she coughs and wheezes until we are on the verge of taking her to the ER. We've had a few VERY close calls this month where even after ALL the neb medications continually we couldn't get her breathing under control. It's VERY scary stuff.

She's also developed this very odd rash that runs along her "dermal nerve" down the back of her left leg. We've treated it every way possible, and over the last 4 months it hasn't gone away. BUT it also hasn't gotten worse, which is a good thing. However, wen she is truly sick I've noticed that it "flairs" up as I like to call it - basically it just gets redder. Here is a picture of it while red red red, she was in mid sickness:

When she's not sick, its still there, just not red. Very very VERY odd. Even my pedi who has 25 years experience has never seen anything quit like it. He does think they could be related to her RAD and that she has some sort of auto-immune issues. So Feb. 9th we are going to The Phoenix Children's Hospitals dermatology department- best of the best- to have it looked at and hopefully get some answers to this odd thing.

Since the arrival of this odd rash, bath time has become a NIGHTMARE. She literally scream bloody murder and WONT sit down in the water. It obviously bothers her skin, so they are a in out, get-er-done type process now, and also not everyday anymore. The pedi told me NOT to bath her everyday, which that is very hard for me. She's a toddler, and they are gross little things. So on the night of No Bath I give her a whore bath....you know....a wipe down with a washcloth ;) Ah..Poor M and the whore bath.

The Pedi did also say to "be prepared to see an allergist in the future, lets see about this rash first then we'll go from there".

So there you have. All of M's health issues. Bring on the neb twice a day (or more sometimes!) is challenging, but we are finding ways to make it doable. Poor little think is such a good girl, so knows its part of her routine and will just sit, and even hold it to her mouth/nose, while she waits till its over. I just hate this for her. No parent wants a sick child, especially one with ongoing issues like this. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY aware that things could be much worse, and count my lucky stars every day. I still cat believe I'm her momma and that she's my daughter. How did I get so lucky AGAIN?

Wordless Wednesday : Car Won't Start

2012-01-25T08:22:00.001-08:00

I've Been Hiding a Secret

2012-01-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

I've been holding in a secret from you guys. A secret that's been brewing for the last 2 months. It's over now, and although I wanted SO desperately to blog about it and have you all there to support me, I just couldn't let it out. I didn't tell you guys sooner, because I was trying to "protect" myself in case it didn't happen...trying not to get my hopes up..But I'm ready to come out now.

We have been going through the adoption process the last 2/3 months.

We were going to adopt L's unborn baby sister.....Who is now 2 weeks.

I had plane tickets booked, saved all M's baby stuff, and was already to purchase a vehicle that could fit my new family of 6.

Then the day after she was born. They changed their minds. And that was it. Just like that. It was over and there was nothing I could do. But cry.

I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. I crawled into my bed, my husband took care of the kids, and I stayed there for 18 hours. Numb. Going through waves of "Why are they doing this? Who is giving that baby a voice? She didn't ask to be born. To maybe thinking it wasn't meant to be, maybe this wasn't MY baby, maybe god saved me from a potential bad situation".

This is an excerpt from a blog draft. Written 1-13-12:

The mom was 150% on board, and the dad was almost there.....until she was born. 2 days ago on 1-11-12 at 5 lbs 4 oz. and 19 inches long. A healthy baby girl. And then they both decided that they couldn't let her go. That somehow love would be enough, even though they cant provide for the children they already have. 1 of them I HAVE. I will blog and actually hit Publish one day. But for now I grieve.

Well it was actually very very hard on me, and I have been trying to cope ever since that day. I just never planned this. I was never prepared for any of this. This meaning a failed adoption, and I don't know how to deal with this or this loss.

I just knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. This whole "adoption" thing was NEVER part of my plan, and I just don't know how to deal. I was a fool. I knew this would happen. I knew she would change her mind once she held that baby....I am a mother after all, I know what it feels like right after you give birth, when nothing else matters. I knew if I wasnt there already this would happen.

The facts are is that you cant tell an infertile that's been desperately trying to have a baby for the last 2 years that you are going to give her your baby GIRL for 2 months then take it all away just like that.

Each day has gotten better, and I'm starting to realize that maybe this was for the best. As much as it hurts, it taught me a lot. It showed me how strong I actually am, and how HARD going through adoption really is. If you ever been through an adoption, failed or not, my hats off too you. When "they" say is the most intense emotional roller coaster you' ll ever be on, they weren't lying. Thats acutally an understatment if you ask me.

There were good days and bad, days of joy, and many feelings of unknown territory, but all days mostly filled with this undeniable fear that this just wont happen, all while trying to remain hopeful that soon you'll have a baby in your arms. How do you do that? How do you prepare for something for months and NOT get your hopes up? Tell me how that is possible?

It's VERY hard stuff. Stuff I never expected to have to deal with. But I did.

Lucky for me, I DID blog about it throughout the process, I just never published. So because of that, and because this is a part of "My Story" I will be publishing those posts over the next month. Titled The Adoption Diaries.

Thank you guys for always being there for me. For never judging me, and allowing me to be me in this web world. I love you. And although I needed you guys, even though you didn't know it, I knew you guys were there for me. I knew you'd all be here to either congratulate me on my new baby girl, or catch me when I fell. ufortunaty this post ends with me falling. But I'm okay.....I'll be okay.

Let's Talk Apps

2012-01-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

I've discovered some simply awesome apps for my iPhone recently, but also there are some tried and true apps that I just cant live without. Apps that make me wonder, "how did I come along this far without this app?!" Here they are, the apps that changed my life in no particular order:

Vlingo (for us iPhone's without Siri) this app REALLY did change my life and works so well! Great for driving, or while doing your makeup.

Groupon, Amazon, and Living Social. I check all nightly. There really are some AMAZE deals on Groupon. I admit, I am so addicted I buy probably twice a week!

Run Keeper. I use it for my outdoor walks/hikes/runs/ It has a GPS so it tracks your distance and pace. It saves all your workouts too, so you can see your improvements.

Lose It. A food diary app that I have found to be the far easiest to use.

Fandango. Best, and easiest app to check movies, movie times, watch trailer, and even purchase tickets. We use this app ALL the time!

Food...Table. A meal planning app that I haven't really explored too much, but it looks so helpful. I WILL start using it soon.

And in my "Photography" section my favorite are Camera+, Vintage Cam, Instagram, Pic Collage, and PictureFrames. I am a picture taking FANATIC! I use all of these multiple times per day.

Budda. Daily inspirational quotes...for when I need a pick me up, or just to make me think or brighten my day.

I am not even going to get into my "Kid, Toddler, or Games" apps...that's a whole other post right there. So if there anything that I'm missing? What are some of your cant live without apps (only iPhone users please, sorry android- you drool). Hee hee I kid...I kid...not really..

Wordy Wordless Wednesday: Life Lately

2012-01-18T06:11:00.000-08:00

More from M's Pinkalicious Party! Pictures by the amazing and oh so fabulous La Trisha at lsoucyphotography! She is a dear friend and I love her with a capital L.

That last picture is 4 generations! My grandmother on the left and my mother on the right, myself and my beautiful children! Amazing!

A rare sighting of the Hubs ;) and Yes, he wore Pink. She's got her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

We've spent a lot of time with friends, specifically Mya and M's brother from another mother Wyatt. She blogs- but not nearly often enough ; )

We've enjoyed playing with all of our new gifts from Christmas.

Kay and I have had some time to spend alone, which is so rare these days. We went shopping at H & M and had lunch together on Monday. It was divine and I love her so much. She really is growing up to be such a awesome, good, amazing, kind, smart, talented, beautiful, little girl. I am so blessed. How did I get so lucky?

And lastly, we've been spending a lot of time outdoors! Its been gorgeous out, and after the hellish summer, we are soaking in every second of this perfect weather!

Back to my regularly scheduling blogging soon.....and boy do I have A LOT to fill you in on. Miss You!

Everyone Love a Good Dance Party

2012-01-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

PINKALICIOUS Party {Sneak Peak}

2012-01-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

More to come...... :)

Therapeutic Run

2012-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

Some of the most beautiful things have happened to me in the last few months, and I try to think of those things often, so I don't want this to be a woe is me post but I have to get this out.

There has been a LOT of turmoil in my life over the last few months as well. The infertility and the whole loss of a baby that never existed, welcoming L to our family, going through some of the scariest financial times of our life in regards to our business, weight gain from all the infertility shots and hormones, being DEATHLY ill with the flu on Christmas day and the whole week of my girls winter break, a 2 year old that's been diagnosed with early asthma, issues with my marriage that we are trying to work on, grandparents that raised me being VERY ill and in and out of hospitals, and so much more that I haven't even discussed on this blog. Then work! Work...To top it off my Secretary put in her 2 week notice (which really was 1 week and a day) on the day I was admitted to the hospital on my death bed with the flu.

So yeah. ~~Talk me off the ledge.~~ Its been a LOT.

But today....today I had a free morning (which is VERY rare these days) so I put M in the jogging stroller, threw on my running shoes, and I ran...

....and ran....and ran...and ran....and I pounded out all those angry feelings, all the aggression, all the disappointment, bitterness, feelings of betrayal...and I just let it out...and I literally ran and said out loud "Just let it go...just let it go".

My anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF the last few weeks and I think its because I've had so much going on. And to make matters worse, I haven't been able to exercise in the last 4 weeks because of all of the above. What I'm realizing is that this anxiety that's piling up is due to the fact that I haven't been able to let it out, and I cant cover it up with medication anymore.

It was at this very moment during the run, that I could totally relate to fighters, boxers, cage fighters, mui tai fighters, etc. I can see that those people are probably people that deal with a lot of anger and disappointment, or are emotionally turmoiled souls. Those feelings probably make them better fighters, etc. and that's is their way to let it out. I could be wrong, but that's my thought....

So even as a 5'1 115lb blonde mother of 3 girls I can totally relate to a 220 lbs male boxer.

It felt so good to literally pound out and rn out all those feelings. And I can only imagine that that's how they feel after a good boxing.

This morning I ran until I felt free, until I felt cleansed, and until I felt like all of the baggage was left behind. On the pavement. No longer on my back.

Wordless Wednesday: Hair Appt Style

2012-01-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

True Love

2012-01-02T10:34:00.001-08:00

First Post of 2012

2012-01-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

I decided I'm not going to do one of those 'looking back' posts. 2011 was a CRAZY ASS YEAR and lets just leave it at that K?

But what I am going to do is vow to make 2012 the best year I possibly can. I usually do make a New Years Resolution, but let me prefce that its always something completely reasonable- like for 2010 my NY resolution was to complete ALL my dental work! Took me till Septmeber, but I did it. See? Completely reasonable. Would I like to lose 30 lbs and hit the gym 6 days a week? SURE, but I know that is not reasonable!!! And as a matter of fact I HATE THE GYM in Jan/Feb and look forward to March! Thats when my gym becomes back to normal once all those people fall off the wagon....serisouly, its packed until March. And it drives me nuts!

I've had a hard time finding a good resolution for 2012, but here's what I did manage to come up with (completely resonable ;)

Start printing more of the 250 pictures a month I take. Everything is digital, which is great but my family hasn't received pictures in the snail mail since 2006.
Make hard albums of said pics.
Finish both my girls' baby books. I've always been good about updating (I update both bi monthly, but alas, neither have any PICS!
Be more in the moment. Less worrying about my house, or the clutter and be more in the moment!
Finally do things that make ME happy that doesn't involve kids, babies, or shopping. This is going to be TOUGH.
And finally, take the time and get whatever professional help I need to to be okay with not having anymore kids. What I haven't blogged about the last couple days, is that I had complete mental breakdown over all the TTC/ not TTC/ pregnancy announcements and kicks to the gut, and then all the M turning 2 stuff, and it I just literally broke down hysterically crying. It was real, it was in the moment, and it needed to come out. And I need to let it out more. I HAVE to start working on getting past this, rather than just distracting myself. Because that's exactly what I've been doing. Distracting myself from the pain and reality of never having another child and feeling completely robbed of the family I desire.

So there you have it my friends.

Lets get 2012 off to a great start and lets kick some ass and take some names!

And lastly, I will leave you all with some pics from M's Birthday Breakfast at IHOP yesterday!

{First time wearing makeup in a week because I was on my death bed for 6 days with the flu}

{Sunshine felt so good!}

{First time facing forward!}

{So happy to be alive and OUT}

{The prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen}

{My little Loralai (that's my nickname for her)}

{At their own tables like big girls}

{What M thought of anymore pictures}

{Special Socks}

Happy New Year!!!!

New Years

2011-12-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

New Years/ New Years Eve has a whole new meaning as of 2 years ago. Because at 7:35am on Decemeber 31, 2009 this little miracle decided to bless us with her presence...

Tomorrow my beautiful little baby turns 2. I cant even express into words how this little person has changed my life. Its more than I could ever express into words. She is an amazing, special, magical little human being. A perfect daughter, sister, and friend. I owe her so much, which is why everyday I try to be the best mother I can possibly be for her. Because she deserves the world and more. And I will do my best as her mother to give her that.

You are loved to the moon and back, and then some. I hope your second birthday is all your little hearts desired! Tomorrow, NYE morning, we will be having a special celebration for you with your closest loved ones. We will celebrate your joyous 2 years of life over your favorite meal- Breakfast! At IHop : )

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY MISS M!

Still Grieving

2011-12-29T12:40:00.001-08:00

I'm having on of those days...filled with all the nasty ugly painful feelings about my infertility. It started at the hospital this morning. (remeber I have the flu? Well after 5 days of a fever over 100, this morning it was 103.1) my Dr ordered me to go to the hospital for labs, etc.

So this morning I went and checked in. Ironically enough, it was exactly 2 years ago today I walked into that very same hospital to give birth to my baby M. It was very surreal. This particular hospital plays a lullaby throughout the whole hospital everytime a baby born. It's very touching, but I couldn't help but think that I want another baby. I want that lullaby played for me :( it hit me like a ton of bricks every time it played..

I'll never have that again. Ever. ;( it's so hard.

Then there have been the normal numerous pregnancy announcements lately. Those are always so hard on me, but more so now :(

Bottom line is I'm still grieving. And who knows how long this process will take. L has been a great distraction, but I'm not so sure hiding from the issues is going to help. Maybe I need counseling... Or just more time. I don't know.

Wordless Wednesday {Must Have}

2011-12-28T11:29:00.001-08:00

It's Funny How Things Work Out Sometimes

2011-12-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

Kay's 2 front teeth have been loose for a couple months now. I was praying and praying that she would lose them before Christmas just so she could sing this...

And as you can see, it happened! It made me SO happy! And she looks so darn cute without them. A few days before Christmas Eve, the girls were rough housing and L knocked out one of them. Then on Christmas Eve morning, at 4 am no less (never a dull moment around here!) Kay lost the other one!

We had a fabulous Christmas, very blessed! But Christmas morning I very suddenly got ill and have the flu :( Christmas updates to come...

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T04:46:00.000-08:00

From our family to yours <3! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with those you love.

{Our 2011 Christmas card}

Favorite Things: Kiss Nail Sticks!

2011-12-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you've seen or heard about these things by now. They are basically stickers for your nails! They are actually called Nail Dress, but I call them Nail Sticks! : ) I wasn't that interested in them until I was sitting in a Dr's office one day last week and I complimented the nurse on her beautiful jewled nails. She said "Thanks, but you know they are just those stick on sticker nail things you can get at the drug strore and they last about a week".

After that I HAD to try them! I've been trying to be more budget on the wallet friendly, so these last few months I have been doing my own nails and toes. And well you know my nails be lookin raggity!

I ran down to Walgreen's later that day and stocked up! They had so many to chose from. Solids, jeweled, animal prints, and all different designs. I couldn't decide which ones were cuter, and which ones I wanted so I bought 4 boxes (wait, is that counter productive to me being frugal?)

Anyways, the next day I was feeling up to the challenge. Everyone (and the box) said EASY, ONLY TAKES MINUTES FOR PERFECT NAILS, but you know how that is. Suuuuuurre. So when M was down for her nap, and the big girls were at school I was ready to roll. I chose the pretty Lacey design because we were going to to see The Nutcracker Ballet that night.

And I am being 100% honest when I say ANYONE CAN DO THIS! And it was really SO EASY!! It took about 10 minutes to put all of them on, the directions are short and simple, done! Really, anyone can do this! It is fool proof! And you can have beautiful LACE nails in 10 min. for only 8 dollars!!

I was sold! The next challenge was to see how long they actually lasted. The box says up to 10 days, but I know better. So here they are after 4 days.....keep in mind I am really rough on my hands. Lots of dishes, washing hands constantly, wiping asses, you get the idea...

Then I was wondering how do you get them off? Well that was super easy too! You just start peeling them up from the bottom and they pretty much come off in one piece.

Bottom line, even though they only lasted 4 days (for me), it is still one of my new favorite things. A beautiful 8 dollar manicure for the weekend?? Hellz yeah!

So I peeled off the old, and put on a new pair this week! Just in time for Christmas...

I also painted my toenails yesterday and added some to my toes. Not perfect, but pretty awesome huh?!

So if you've been wondering about these like I had, GO FOR IT! You wont regret it! (Pretty designed) Pinky promise ;)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-21T08:38:00.001-08:00

{Fierce Momma}

A Season For Caring and a Time For Sharing

2011-12-19T05:56:00.000-08:00

Kay is such an amazing little girl. Back in the summer she thought of this grand idea to have a charity lemonade stand. She wanted to donate the proceeds to the Phoenix Children's Hospital. She tought of this all on her own. Keep in mind this was in the middle of the blistering summer way before Christmas too, so I told her that sometime in the fall we could do that. I have no idea what prompted her to do this. Maybe its because we drive right past the Children's hospital all the time on the way to grandmas house? Almost every time we drive by, I tell her about it. How sad it is to think that the big huge hospital is filled with sick children who are away from their families, etc. I think she may have just realized how lucky she is....

Fast forward to fall. We planned to do a multi family garage sale with some friends who live down the street. They also have girls, ages 8 and 3. Kay is good friend with the older girl and thought she might want to do the charity lemonade sale with her. We decided it would be best to have the girls set up AT the garage sale because we would already have the crowds coming in. Her mom and I planned a play date a few weeks in advance so the girls could make and decorate a sign for their lemonade table. And this is what they came up with:

The garage sale was not as successful as we planned (the weather), but they did managed to raise $12.50 that dreary day!! But the girls did an amazing (and crazy!) job of trying to get people to donate, while also having a blast together.

A few weeks had gone by, and I asked my friend (the little girls mom) if she could contact them and find out how and when we could bring the kids down to donate the money that they raised. Well turns out the best way to do that is to go on their website where they have wish lists that the kids posts, and take the girls and the money shopping for the kids! Perfect!

But this Sunday morning, Kay thought that wasn't enough. All the girls even took money out of their allowance, but it still left them with under 20 dollars.

So Kay had another bright idea to help raise more money. Again, all on her own she thought of all this.

The grand idea? Go door to door to our neighbors with signs that her and L had made, along with a money box to see if any of them would contribute to the Phoenix Children's Hospital Present Fund and if you did donate, you got to receive one of the signs/pictures that Kay and L had made. Pretty clever I must say!

At first, although cute, I thought this was kinda crazy. On a sunday morning 3 wild kids and a crazy lady knocking on my door?! But then I realized these are our neighbor's, so they know us ad know that we aren't some crazy weird pan handlers.

And well it was a huge success! Turns out people ARE good. Better than good, amazing. A few people dropped 20's in there, and everyone gave at least $5.00!

So the girls came home with $68.00 just from the people on our street. Combine that with the $12.50 they already have, and they now have $80.50 for the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!

This makes me such a proud momma!!! All of this makes me realize, that even though my kids are spoiled rotten, that they still have good hearts, and are becoming caring, giving, thoughtful little human beings. What more could a mother ask for? And how good my little Kay Kay really is. And L ....well she is learning. Yes she did say "now give us some money" when people would answer the door, but we're working on her...and she is learning. She's on my watch now ; )

Stay tuned for the ending of this story...when we all go to The Phoenix Children's Hospital to help brighten some little peoples Holidays.

This is My Life Right Now

2011-12-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

And although total chaos, I wouldn't have it any other way <3

The ABC's of Me

2011-12-16T05:27:00.000-08:00

I know I've done this before, but its been a few years, and I am sure some of my new followers would like to know more about me. So here goes, the ABC's of me!

A. Age: 29, err I mean 26 1/2!

B. Bed size: King. And that's not big enough.

C. Chore that you hate: Bathrooms. That's why I leave that to the cleaning ladies ;) One that I actually do? Dishes, and thank god for the dishwasher! It helps when you hate dishes.

D. Dogs: None. 2 cats, Lucy and Sweetie Pie.

E. Essential start to your day: The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf whole bean Brazilian roast coffee (I grind fresh everyday) with french vanilla creamer. I'm kinda of a coffee snob.

F. Favorite color: Pink of course : )

G. Gold or Silver: Both!

H. Height: 5'1

I. Instruments you play: None. I am the least musical person. I cant hold a tune to save my life, nor can I (or have any desire for that matter) to play instruments.

J. Job title: HR, Bookkeeper, AR/AP, Marketing, Boss Lady, a little of everything...

K. Kids: K and M, and now my foster daughter (who is also my cousin) L!

L. Live: Phoenix

M. Mother’s name: Kristin

N. Nicknames: Growing up it was mouth. Now its Mom!

O. Overnight hospital stays: Only when I had my kids.

P. Pet peeves: People who talk on the phone at restaurants, people with bad etiquette, people with bad manners, miserable & inconsiderate people, and people who refuse to help themselves.

Q. Quote from a movie: “Say hello to my little friend” Scarface..haha!

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: I have 1 brother (1/2 brother, same mom. 8 years younger than me) and 2 much older sisters (1/2 sisters, same dad. One is 11 years older and the other 13 years older. My dad's kids from his previous marriage before my mom). No full blooded sibs. And since me and my brother (who was raised with me) are 8 years apart and it two TOTALLY different places in our lives, we are not that close. I mean, he's 21, err I mean 18, for gods sake. I'm hoping once he grows up and has some kids of his own, our relationship will blossom. Looking forward to that day actually. I always felt like an only child.

T. Teenage crush: NKONB! I had a Jordan pillow case, and used to kiss him every night ;)

U. Underwear: Yes, please. VS Pink Thongs are my fav.

V. Vegetable you hate: None. I LOVE all veggies!

W. What makes you run late: My children, so cliche but its true. That and myself...or lack of time management on certain days.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back, teeth, and knee.

Y. Yummy food that you make: I love to cook, but I'd say my homemade bolognese!

Z. Zoo animal: Zebras and Monkeys.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

Gifts Galore

2011-12-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I've blogged about my love for Christmas (I have been blogging since 2008!), but I'm not sure if I've talked about my love of gift wrapping- specifically Christmas gift wrapping. I'm kinda obsessed.

Every year, I theme out my gift wrapping papers. I like ALL my presents under my tree (even the ones I send out) to coordinate. Even my kiddie paper has to match my color themes. I usually buy 3 rolls of "adult" paper and 2 rolls of "kiddie" paper and go from there. Last year my paper theme was all red, gold, glitter, and very heavy unconventional ribbon, like gold rope.

This year it is pink, purple, teal blues, white, and silver! I've gone full blown with a "snowflake" and a "diamonds are a girls best friend" theme attaching glittered snow flake ornaments and big diamonds to my color coordinated gifts!

It really is the only way I am crafty, so I go all out! Here's a peak of what poppin' under my tree this year!

It all started here, in Tar-jay, picking papers. The Snowman paper is my kiddie paper.

Then the ~~madness~~ wrapping began!

And there you have it! Oh and I am for hire and I work on tips :)

Easy No Heat Curls

2011-12-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

I discovered a way to have beautiful voluminous curls!! Best part? It involves NO HEAT! Because I process my hair so much, once a week when I wash my hair I try and style in some sort of heat free way, so I'm always trying new things. Usually, I put it in a low bun while its still damp, sleep in it over night, and let it down in the morning to have perfect Effortless Waves is what I call it! See?

Well last night I thought I'd try something different. I thought I would see what happens if I put in 2 buns instead of just one. And discovered a whole new result! Perfect VOLUMINOUS curls!! See? Excuse the silly look on my face. It really is hard to take a picture of yourself....

Okay, so it starts out like this: Wash hair, wait until its damp, then put in 2 low buns. Doesn't have to be perfect, but its important to not make them too tight or too loose.

Sleep on it over night. When you first take it out it looks like this:

Next up up fluff! Flip your head upside down a couple times and shake your head to loosen the buns naturally (don't separate them with your fingers)! Then you have THIS:

Pretty awesome right???!! And SO EASY!

Disclaimer: I'm not sure this would work on anything but long hair, but its worth a shot!

Life Changes

2011-12-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

During our last treatment cycle (aka the Hail Mary Cycle) I decided that if I didn't get pregnant that I would continue on with my life, embracing it as a mother of 2, and to try and pursue some things for me. Something that didn't involve children, babies, our ~~my husbands~~ business, or the kids schools, etc. Something solely and entirely for ME and MY future that didn't involve shopping ;)

I was pushing M one brisk morning on one of our morning walks, and decided that that something was to go back to school. Because finally, at the age of 29, I just figured out what I really want to do when I grow up. And that's HR/HR management. Its what I'm good at, its what I love.

I have completed about 2 classes shy of an associate degree already years ago when I thought I wanted to major in business marketing. Well now that I've had 6 years of real world work experience under my belt running a business on the back and front, doing, marketing, PR, managing employees, bookkeeping, tax liabilities, insurance, and everything else in between with operating a business, I've discovered that although I am interested in marketing, it really isn't something I would want as a long term career.

So I decided, (although I have no idea how in the hell I am going to do it) to go back to school to pursue an HR degree!!

Again, I really don't how how I am going to make it work yet, and I know its ambitious to try and juggle working, 3 kids (and a possible 4th, more on that later!!!), being a PTO board member, and my volunteer work, but baby steps is what I keep telling myself. I'm just going to start with 1-2 classes to find a groove, and yes it may take me 5 more years to complete, but its something I've wanted for so long, that I've always put on the back burner. But now its time. Its time to do something for ME.

I start January 14th!

More About L

2011-12-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

I thought you might like to know more about the little lady that joined our family. So here is a post dedicated to All About L!

- She's 6 years old, in Kindergarten, and has a Sept. birthday.

- She has a southern accent AND a lisp. Bless her heart.

- She is always getting hurt. Homegirl is covered in scraps and scabs. (very unlike my girls).

- She loves to be outside and is very adventurous.

- She asked for a back scratcher for Christmas, no lie. Her back always itches, and every night I scratch it for her in bed.

- She is very resourceful and independent.

- She has seen and knows way too much for being 6, which is probably why she is the above. It saddens me :(

- Her favorite music is gangsta rap.

- She is very close with her 13 yo brother. And he is amazing with her, I've never seen anything like it. I think they've had to "fend for themselves" so much and he has had to raise and look out for her. Its not your typical brother/sister relationship.

- She loves art and bologna.

- She's the first kid I've ever met who doesn't like watching TV. It didn't occur to me that that's probably because she hasn't had it much in her life, which is probably why she prefers to be outside.

- She doddle's, and you HAVE to stay on top of her for her to get anything done.

- She's a good girl, does whats asked of her, but I can tell she wasn't used to having any sort of routine or schedule.

- Her favorite color is pink.

- She started calling us "Momma" and "Dad" the third day she was here. She knows we are not her parents, but we think that's a good sign.

- Although unexpected, she's been a wonderful addition to our family. There have been some challenges, and big time adjustments for us all, but things are finally settling in, and we are so happy to have her.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-07T05:51:00.000-08:00

Single Mom

2011-12-05T04:22:00.000-08:00

I am about to open up about something I have never really talked about on my blog before. That is the fact that I am a single mother. Yes, I know what your thinking. How can you be a single mom and be married and have a husband that lives in the home? I am about to tell you.

Its complicated and a little unconventional and I know A LOT of women are probably going to wanna shake me and say "Lisa what is wrong with you"? Or better "what is wrong with your husband"? so I guess that's why I've never really brought it up, or maybe its because I chose (or agreed) for it to be this way....read on.....

Parenting is supposed to be 50/50, but not in all cases. Most fathers work, and in a lot of cases so does the mom. And while yes I agree that a father SHOULD help do his part and do at least 20/80 or whatever % that works in your home, but in my house I do 99.999% of the parenting and my H does the other 0.0001%.

Baths, beds, homework, carpool, laundry, reading, discipline, diaper changes, game time, all the cleaning, all the feedings, the shopping, butt wiping, pick up and drop offs at extra curricular activities and play dates, getting up and dressed and ready for school or for the day, and everything in between. Everyday, every night, even on the weekends, it's all me.

I do it all on my own. So technically I am a single mom. And I must admit I am a tad bit jealous of those FB posts that go a little something like this: Ahh I cant wait for my husband to get home, because I need a break!

What about that 0.0001%? Well that would be the 30 min. window after we've all eaten dinner and I'm cleaning the kitchen, H will take M and have some quality time with her. And then after I put her to bed, H and K (and now L too) have what they call "movie time". They sit on the couch, have a bedtime snack, cuddle, talk, and watch TV for 30-45 min. every night. He will also get up with one in the middle of the night if one has a bad dream, or needs some water, or something like that. So he does spent time with them, and has a great relationship with both of them, but when it comes to all the "work" its all on me. And here's why..

When I first met my husband, K was 15 months old. Her bio dad was *somewhat* still in the picture (although that changed very quickly) so naturally I did all the parenting when it came to her. He never once changed her diaper, gave her a bath, got her dressed, put her to bed, etc. because it was not his place at the time. Over the years, this has obviously evolved somewhat, but I always remained the "caregiver" and that was fine.

You have to remember my husband is also 20 years older than me, so we have somewhat of an unconventional relationship. On our first couple dates I made it very clear to him that I wanted more children, and that I wanted to get married so if these were things he wasn't interested, then please move along because those we're things I wasn't willing to wavier on. Period. He told me yes, although divorced with 2 grown children of his own, that he would be willing to start all over. Have another child, and open to marriage. Great, our relationship could now flourish.

Once we starting taking more in depth about having children, we came to the agreement that *I* would be the sole provider, just as I was for Kay. I was and still am totally on board with that. That's fine, it works for us. He works 16 hours a day (no joke), and although he was "open" to more children, he didn't necessarily "want" more children. Get it? Of course, that doesn't in any way shape or form mean he doesn't love and wouldn't die for M because he loves her and K to pieces!

Everything was great in our world, I had my routine with the 2 kids down pat, and them came L. She's been a lovely addition to our family, but its been a big adjustment for all of us. Including myself. 3 kids is 3x more work than 2. No lie! So there went my already crazy hectic work load. I don't mind it one bit, and wouldn't change it for the world! My only problem with our "arrangement" is that now that I have even more on my plate (have to remember I also work 2 full days in the office and more for our business, I am on the PTO board at K's school, I volunteer for her school and RESOLVE, and now I have 3 kids ages 7, 6, and 2 with the 2 year old on the nebulizer daily (that's a whole other post)!!!! So when you see your wife going from sun up to sun down, and beyond and don't bother to OFFER her anymore help....well that's where I get little frustrated.

I can only do so much, I am only 1 person. Now I am a single mom to 3 kids. And yes, your probably going to say "have you tried asking him to help you?" the short answer is no, not really because I know how he feels about it. He will say things like "see I knew this was going to happen if we had more" and rather than cause conflict, I just carry on, on my own. What I truly don't understand is, how you an see your spouse running ragged and not OFFER to help. Because like I said before, its not that I mind caring for them all on my own, its his lack of gratitude for all I do do. Sigh.

I don't want him to sound like a complete useless father or husband. He is GREAT with the kids, its just on his own terms. But I must say, he has it VERY easy! He provides a great life for us, and we have the financial freedom to enjoy a lot of things that other don't because he works so hard building his business. But I am a single mom of 3 and it would be nice to have a little help once in a while.

I know I'm not alone, and that a lot of other mothers have it the same way. Their husbands are deployed, or are also workaholics, or they truly are single moms without any help.

But I just want to end with this: YOU ARE MY HERO and WE ALL DESERVE A METAL for what we do. All us mothers. Being a mom is the toughest job in the world...

...but as you know, the most rewarding <3

I Have Big News!

2011-12-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

A boy proposed to Kay yesterday...

And she said yes...

-insert me falling over-

She told me that the boy gave this to her because she was the prettiest girl in the world, and that this ring was just for now until he saves up $9,000.00 to buy her a diamond ring. Smart boy! I DIED!

She is over the moon.

Then today, not to be out done by K, L came running up to me at the pick up line telling me that SHE GOT MARRIED TOO! That a *cute* boy gave her a ring today, asked her to marry her! And she said yes!

and get this...they got MARRIED and DIVORCED today! Yep, by the time we got home, she was calling him her "ex"! Haha! Puppy love <3

Toddlers

2011-11-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

Sinking In.

2011-11-29T08:43:00.000-08:00

I was fine all weekend, but the last couple days it has really started to sink in that I will never have another baby :( That M was my last pregnancy, and that there isn't even a CHANCE of a pregnancy in our future. I think its just going to take some time to grieve and accept that fact. And I am sure I am going to have my ups and downs, but this is a lot to process. Because the decision is not mine...its not because we don't want anymore kids, or we cant afford anymore kids, its because we cant physically make anymore.

All of this had made me so much more grateful for my children, that if I never have another, I am still the luckiest woman on earth for having them. So so lucky. They really are precious gifts that too many people take for granted unfortunately.

IF was a huge part of my life for so long. It has become a part of me. But it also has had a hand in making me the woman and mother I am today. All the sorrow, tears, begging and praying, shots, and sleepless nights, were all totally worth being able to create these little gifts of life. All of it. I wouldn't for a second wish the pain of infertility on anyone else, but there is a positive side of it as weird as it sounds. Its such an emotional struggle that is forces you to be stronger than you ever thought you could be, and makes you realize whats really most important in life. So when you finally get those those, you hold them very close to your heart.

But god works in very mysterious ways. I believe that every experience we have the good and the bad, we have been given for a reason.

Over the last two years, I have prayed to god to please let me do this one more time, and I know I have been so amazingly blessed with these 2 beautiful children and I am forever grateful for that. But god, there is still a void in my heart. A void that only having one more child to complete our family can fill. I so desperately want this, please don't let that be the last time I get to experience such a miracle. Please.

Yes, these were my conversations with god.

And on Thanksgiving morning I woke up, peed on a stick and it was over. All these years, and tears, and pain and money and it was over. Just like that.

But two days prior on November 22nd, god had answered my prayer. Just in his own way. He brought me L, my 6 year old cousin who has had such an undeserving life. A child. For me to raise. Even for only a short time, an innocent child for me to love and care for. Someone else to call me that coveted title: "Momma".

And then I ran across this quote and had one of the biggest Ah Ha moments of my adult life :

God has another plan for me. Yes, its not what I had planned, but I believe this whole experience (especially with the timing) was given to me for a reason. This is something I never in my life imagined that I would be doing, fostering. Not in my wildest dreams. But its changing me. In big ways. Yes, I have to grieve what could have been and the life I was so hopping for, but at the same time I am celebrating the life I have been given.

Not Pregnant

2011-11-24T04:07:00.001-08:00

12dpiui

2011-11-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

Here I am 12dpiui, my usual test date. But not this time! This 2ww is the last 2ww I will ever have. The last time I will ever have a possibility of being pregnant, so I am going to milk it for all its worth. In all honestly, I thought is was going to be really really hard to wait until 14 days past my IUI to test, because usually I am DYING to know by 12 days. This time remains different, because its been easy. Almost too easy. I don't want it to end, I want to stay in my hope bubble.

Reality is though, is that deep down I don't think I'm pregnant. However in some weird way, I still have hope. Hope that it could be possible. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have had NO symptoms at all. None, zero, zilch, nada. Except for low back pain for the last few days, which could easily be from totting around a 25 pound toddler. I went back and through my blog, and found my BFP symptoms post after my successful cycle with M, and they were all typical pregnancy symptoms, none of which I have :(

So here I will stay in my hope bubble until the morning of Thanksgiving. To which I will wake up, POAS, and then regardless of the results, come out and face the world and enjoy my day and all its blessings. Because I really do have SO much to be thankful for.

2 more sleeps!

When 4 became 5

2011-11-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how to start this post....I've been faced with a very challenging situation over the last few weeks, one that I haven't spoke about to anyone. But its time to let the cat out of the bag. I'm just going to start from the beginning...

My uncle (my moms younger brother) was married in the 90's. Him and his wife were VERY dysfunctional, I cant even begin to get into to all of the details. Lets just say there were drugs, affairs, and abuse of every kind. They ended up having 2 children together, a boy and then a girl. Neither of them are or were fit to be parent in no way shape or form. They ended up splitting when the oldest was 8 years old, and she loved to Florida to be near her family. Since then, my uncle has not been a real part of their lives, never paid a dime in child support, and continues to live off my grandparents at 40 years old.

She's no prize either because since then, she's had at least 4 abortions, sent her kids to live with my other aunt once for a year while she was homeless, has never worked a day in her life, lives off the government and what ever guy she is fucking that week, and get this....she is PREGNANT. AGAIN. But whats worse is she is pregnant by her sisters boyfriend, and IS KEEPING THE BABY. Really, it was just too late for an abortion by the time she found out, and she has already told the kids. I don't even have words for this.

She has always relied on my family (specifically my grandmother) to support her or help her out when she gets into a bind, and my grandmother does it because of the kids. They are her grand kids and just innocent children after all.

I BEGGED and PLEADED with my family to make her give this baby up for adoption, to let this baby have a chance at life and to give a deserving couple a chance to have a family, but she insists on keeping it. She is now 7 months pregnant.

But it gets worse.

She called my grandmother a few weeks ago saying that her boyfriends house is going into forecloser, and they all are about to be homeless and to see if she could take the kids for a few months (the kids are now 6 and 13). She doesn't want the kids to go to the "system" and has no where else to take them.

She has NO idea the burden and stress this has caused the whole family. My grandpa has been in and out of the hospital this whole last year, had a triple bypass, 4 strokes, and 2 amputations due to highly uncontrolled diabetes. My grandmother has lost 50lbs, has had a hysterectomy and a mild stoke this year herself. They are in their final years of life and are NOT fit to care for children any longer. My grandpa cant even take care of himself.

So my husband and I thought long and hard about this over the last few days. I cant help but think how unfair this all is. For infertiles who are desperately trying to have a child (including myself), and for the kids who are so innocent and don't deserve any of this. I've questioned god, her, and myself over this last week.

And well, we decided that the right thing to do was to take in one of the kids. The youngest, my cousin, who is a 6 year old little girl. I've thought long and hard about how this would work out, what this means for my family, how I would feel about investing all this time and money into her and then having to send her back to her MESS of a mother, and everything in between.

But at the end of the day, I am fully capable of providing a loving caring home to her. I realize that not everyone would chose this but we have a stable home with plenty of room, and we can give her a good life. Even if it is only for a couple months.

So me and my husband will be gaining temporary custody of her until her mother can get back on her feet. It could be 2 months, it could be a year. They are on a plane now, and will arrive this evening. We are working on getting all the legal documentation needed to do this.

I realize what a HUGE decision this is. But in the end, and in my heart, I feel it was the right one. Now I can only hope that things will go smoothly. I worry if she has behavioral issues, if its going to be the best thing for my girls and my marriage, and hello I will have another child to care for, but I just couldn't turn my back on an innocent child. Not with all the blessings we have been so lucky to receive.

Vegan Once Again

2011-11-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

I am once again declaring veganism! If you've been reading for a while, you'll know that I was vegetarian for almost 10 years before I got pregnant with M. Then in the first trimester I started getting these INTENSE cravings for beef! Not chicken, or turkey, or eggs, but all beef baby! I upped my spinach intake thinking I was low in iron and that would get rid of the craving, and well that still didn't work. Momma wasn't happy until I had a Wendy's cheeseburger in my hand! Turns out, despite being a beef eater once again I was still anemic. My OB put me on iron supplements, which I ended up having to take until 3 months post partum.

Well ever since then, I have maintained a mostly vegetarian diet. I only have meat maybe 2x per week, but I do eat cheese and egg whites. (Let me just preface that I was never a vegetarian for religious reasons, or diet restrictions, it was purely for ethical reasons and the fact that I don't want my 9 year old to have boobs because she has been eating hormone filled chicken breasts her whole life.)

So yes, I started eating meat, and yes, I have always prepared meat for my family (K and my H are big meat eaters) but I have always paid the premium for that by buying only all organic, hormone free, well treated animal meat. Period. It's not the meat that I have a problem with, its how people treat to put them, and the shit they inject into them just to produce more meat, to make more money, to then put them on our table that I'm not down with.

I understand that not all people can afford to buy happy meat for their families, that today's society makes it hard to be vegetarian or vegan, or that a lot of people don't know how to properly maintain a vegetarian diet, but being veggie is easy for someone like me. Even as a child I was never a big meat eater, and salad is my favorite food for gods sake! No lie!

So I am going back to what I believe in, and going 100% meat, cheese, and dairy free. I will not push my beliefs on my family (although I do think little M is just like her mom, she is not a big fan of meat and salad and vegetables are also her favorite food) or anyone else, but I will always advocate for the ethical treatment of animals and cruelty free meat, whether I eat it or not.

And I can finally wear my Kiss Me I'm a Vegetarian Hello Kitty shirt again :)

Fashion Friday

2011-11-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

Harijuju Mini Shirt $13.00

Childrens Place Jean Skirt $12.00 w/ 20% off

Harijuku Mini Knee Socks $10.00 (2 pack)

The amount of cuteness in this picture: priceless!

2ww Turmoil

2011-11-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

Today I am 6dpiui and doing fine, but the days leading up to this point have not been so great. And just like how everything about the beginning of this cycle has been different, so has this 2ww....

I started spotting at 2dpiui, and spotted pink, red, brown, and everything in between on and off until 4dpiui. That has NEVER happened to me. I have had 6 IUI's, 2 HSG's, 2 Saline Sono's, and never once spotted after any of those procedures. I have even joked in the past that my cervix is made of steel. So this was driving me completely batty. BUT I did have sex that day, so I chalked it up to my cervix being irritated from the IUI and my husband having moves like Jagger.

Now that that drama has finally commenced, we've moved onto happier times. Surprisingly, this 2ww is actually flying by! I started progesterone on 3dpiui, and although I haven't experienced any real symptoms yet, I *think* I had some mild cramping on and off on 4dpiui. Which is a great sign in my book. The cycle I got pregnant with M, I had mild AF type cramps from 4-7dpiui.

And just to leave you all on the edge of your seats a little longer, I've decided not to test on my usual 12dpiui this cycle, but rather wait until 14dpiui (on Thanksgiving) to test. This is the last time I will ever get to hope that I could be pregnant, so I want to hang onto that and stay in my hope bubble as long as possible.

Breathe Lisa breathe....

Fall Photos

2011-11-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

I took the girls to get their pics done last Friday for our Christmas card this year and here are a few of my favorites so far! And don't let these pictures fool you....M did NOT want to have her picture taken. Like at all. She kept running and screaming NO CHEESE, NO CHEESE, NO BOW, NO CHEESE the.whole.time. But my fabulous friend (who is a photog) managed to get some amazing shots. They are beautiful and I love them :)

These girls are MY WORLD!

I Need A Miracle

2011-11-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...

Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.

I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.

That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.

I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)

So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.

And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!

Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.

They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.

3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?

And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.

It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.

Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.

CD 10 {Hail Mary Cycle}

2011-11-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

I went in for my first monitoring appointment with Mr. Wandy today and this cycle is already turning out to be different. First of all, my right ovary is dead. Once again, I didn't produce any sizable follicles on that side even though we started out with a higher dose in hopes to kick start both ovaries. My RE thinks that's just they way my body is now, and the only way to wake it up would be to give me much higher doses of stims. But with IUI's, that's not really an option with out having a VERY high risk for multiples, so high that that's out of the question. So lefty is just going to have to pull all the weight around here!

I had 3 follies on the left side, a 20mm, a 16mm, and a 15mm. My lining was better than the previous cycles at a 8.5. I cant believe I was pretty much ready to go on CD 10. This is the response that I used to get! These last 2 cycles I was using Bravelle because a dear friend gave it to me (and lets be honest, fertility drugs are MUCHO expensive) and I just wasnt getting great results. Bottom line, what I've learned is that I have a MUCH better response on follistim than I do with Bravelle!

I will do one more 75iu follisitm shot tonight, trigger shot tomorrow night at 11:30pm, and go in for my insemination on Thursday at 9:30 am! Now I just have to keep everything crossed that we have a semi decent sperm count after the thaw on Thursday.

My RE seemed VERY optimistic and thinks I responded beautifully. And for the first time in many cycles, I walked out feeling great. Great about my appointment, great about this cycle, and great about the future!

Baby Sign

2011-11-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

M has only been 22 months for a few days, and literally overnight has started doing an array of new things. She can unlock my iphone, get to the camera and take pictures and videos with no assistance, as well as find her favorite apps like Talking Gina, Shapes, and Elmo.

I've lost count of her word count because she pretty much repeats everything. She is putting 2 words together consistently now such as "My Cheese" 'Baby Sign" "Mommy No" Sweetie (the kitten) down" and "Sissy School". But her favorite words remain, No, Stop and Mine :) Toddlers...

She also has become more fluent in sign language. We started teaching her the basic signs at around 7-8 month. At around 15-18 months we began expanding on that and I am AMAZED at how much she can sign. She really loves signing, and that's all she wants to watch, is her Baby Signing Time DVD's. And its something I feel comfortable letting her watch as much she wants! It really is like learning a second language, and she has successfully learned both over the last few months. It makes me so happy!

Right now she can sign the following consistently:

-More, Please, Thank You, All Done, Eat, Again, Stop, Play, Yes/ No, Share, Telephone, Music

-Friends, Baby, Sign/Signing, Hot, Cold, Juice, Cup, Dirty, Clean, Feel, Cry, Happy/Sad, Laugh, Bubbles

-Cat, Mouse, Moose, Chicken, and Duck

I'm sure there is more, but that's all I can think of at the moment. My little lady is so smart!

My Drunk Kitchen

2011-11-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered this chick on You Tube and I just had to share...she has a bunch of episodes, but so far my favorites are:

Brunch? - I am so stealing her Mimosa recipe!

Not Easy, Bake Oven -This is me baking, or the reason I don't bake!!

My little gift to you : ) Happy Hump Day!

Halloween Recap

2011-11-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

We had a great Halloween this year! M was going to be Piglet, but it turned out to be a 91 degree day yesterday, so we had to go to plan B! Too bad...the Piglet was so cute too...

Thank god one of my good friends had a beautiful Princess dress that was just the right size!

K's was a Vampire this year and let me tell you, as soon as she got that costume on she was IN the role. She is so animated and dramatic naturally so when you pair that with a costume, it really comes out! She was a fierce vampress!

Her BFF and her mom came over for dinner and to trick or treat with us. Her BFF was Marilyn Monroe and they had a blast together! They don't get to see each other as often anymore, so these times are special!

We had a very Happy Halloween!

It's Go Time

2011-10-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

Today is CD 3 and I had my baseline appointment this morning, my cyst was finally gone so that means I will start injections tonight! Here's the plan (so far) for this cycle; our last attempt to have another child together:

CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!

We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!

I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!

The Red Witch

2011-10-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up, went to the bathroom, then literally was startled to the point where my ass gained some air time when I wiped and saw RED! OMG!

I mean, I knew I would eventually get my period, but since I haven't had a hormone free cycle in 8+ months, and just got off a 2 month birth control stint with a nice big fat hormone inducing cyst, I wasn't expecting her for at least another week or two.
.
So you can see why I was startled! Because this means that (if today is CD 1) I will be going in on Monday for my baseline u/s, and will start shots for our last treatment cycle. And if you've been following along you know I went from going through IUI's, to IVF, and back to IUI's again but if you haven't read the latest, read this.

HERE WE GO!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

My Wish List

2011-10-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

With the our anniversary that just passed, and Christmas just around the corner, you know I've already started working on my wish list. And since I know how to get exactly what I want, I emailed it over to my hubby. This would bother some, they want them to pick something out, they want them to think of something they know you'd like, but we don't play that around here. I email my husband with a list of exactly the things I want. And I get. And that's just the way we like it. Here is my list this year! I may not get everything, and that's okay, but I like to give my man some options :)

The Clarasonic Mia in Berry

This new fragrance by Lancome, Ô de L'Orangerie exactly my kind of scent!! I fell in love with it at the store.

Ugg Lattice Cardy Boots in Sand (size 6!)

And some new Calphalon Cookware. I don't need a whole set, but I would like to replace my most used saute and sauce pans!

What goodies are on your wish list this year?

Brother From Another Mother

2011-10-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I know you all know about M's little BFF Wyatt. (See here, here, and here). Everywhere we go, EVERYWHERE, people think they are twins! Even when there is clearly 2 separate moms. We agree that they do have a lot of the same features..dark brown eyes, olive skin, same size and stature, its pretty funny. What do you think?

So a few months ago I started calling Wyatt M's Brother From Another Mother because they look so much alike! And because its funny :) Well little Why Why (that's what M calls him) is turning 2 and yesterday was his baseball themed birthday party! They are exactly 8 weeks apart and it's just another reminder of how quickly our babies are growing.

The birthday boy himself.

M holding a friends baby...my ovaries about bursted!!!

BABIES!!

YAY for TWO!

Now to start planning Miss M's!! It's only 2 months away, but I already have a theme brewing. I'll give you a hint...it's PINK :)

Blondes Do Have More Fun

2011-10-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

I love hair appointment days. Being a fake blonde, there are many. I go every 5 weeks to be exact, and that's even pushing it. Naturally I have very dark brown hair...see exhibit A, B, and C (me at about 7 years old...and probably the last photographic evidence of natural hair) :

Once I hit about 11/12 I started coloring. First it was just with Sun In, remember SUN IN??! I also added lemon juice to my Sun In, because someone told me that would make me blonder. Still dont know if this is true...Then, once I hit about 16 I started getting highlights. Nothing too drastic, but noticeable.

I went blonder and blonder from there. I was full on blonde, until I got pregnant with K at 21. At that point I didn't want to be bleaching every 5 weeks, so I grabbed store bought hair color and went back to dark. And when she was bout 2 years old, I gradually went back to blonde. Even though I was born a brunette, I really feel like a true blonde on the inside. I toy with going brunette again one day just for the change, but deep down inside I AM BLONDE! It's me, it suits my personality, and yes it is very high maintenance but I love it! Call me crazy but I'd rather go hungry than miss a blonding appointment ; )

iPhone Photo Dump

2011-10-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

I plugged in my iphone last night to get the new update and upload my 1253 pictures (yeah I don't recommend waiting that long). I thought instead of posting my typical wordless Wednesday, I would share some of my favorite iphone photos from the last year. Totally random, and in no particular order.

The Duomo at sunset in Milano, Italy {September 2010}

Wacky Day at school {last year}

Sister Love

Kindermusik fun

On her first birthday {Decemeber 31st, 2010}

Smart girls

Open mouth kisses {the best kind}

Fashionisa

One of the funniest pictures I've ever seen! {Ever}

Mommy's girl

Outfits of the day {yesterday}

Favorite Things: Francesca's

2011-10-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about Francesca's, because I feel like every woman on the planet should know about this place! It is by far one of my favorite places to shop for cloths for myself. And if you're an Anthroplogie girl like me, but don't want (or have) that kinda money on cloths then Francesca's is going to be YOUR new favorite place to shop too!

It's a much smaller verison of Anthropolgie, with the same boutique-y feel. Same style and variety of cloths, but with a much smaller price tag. They have cheeky books and gifts, an awesome jewelry selection, and some of the cutest shoes and handbags you will ever see! Every time I go in there, I just about die. I usually head straight for the sale racks, where a typical top will be 38.00 with an additional 30% off. But the best part, is its not typical. Every time I wear a Francesca's top, someone comments on it! They seriously have the cutest stuff.

Like today on my morning outing with M, I scored these frocks (on sale!)

The ONLY thing I have bad to say about Francesca's is that the selection in the store varies quite a bit from what you will see online. There are tops you can find in-store, but not online. Colors, and styles you see in-store, but not on-line, and vice vera. I much prefer shopping in store, and even more so with this place. I really need to be able to try things on, etc. and with the way so many of these tops are cut, it is even more crucial.

So hopefully there is one near you,! Check it out, you wont be disappointed! Happy shopping :)

First Day of School

2011-10-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

Last week was M's first day at school! The morning started out a little rough...

And although it doesn't quite look like it in the pictures (she woke up on the wrong side of the crib that morning!), she had a great time! She didn't cry at all at drop off and even napped for 1.5 hours! I was a little impressed with that, considering she is light sleeper who has never slept outside of her crib. When we arrived, she ran right in with her little classmates, didn't shed a tear when I left, and they said she was perfect all day! She participated, sat at the table like a good girl, ate all her snacks/lunch, and made some friends and particularly with a little girl named Ella. Makes me feel so good that she is enjoying her time there!

Getting 2 kids, dressed, ready, lunches packed for school, me dressed and ready for work and out the door by 8:15am however is a different story. I wasn't prepared for that! I was realllly missing the nanny at that moment let me tell you! I prepped a lot the night before, but its one of those things that you just have to be thrown into to really see how its going to work ...even if your pulling your hair out and running around like a chicken with your head cut off. It will get easier I know, this is a whole new routine for all of us!

And speaking of the little lady, she's a talkin' machine now! As of about a month ago at 21 months, she started repeating EVERYTHING and even started putting 2 words together on a regular basis. It happened literally overnight. She went from being mildly delayed and evaluated for her possible speech delay, to talking. Just like that! It's crazy! People and her pedi would say that "Oh, she's just going to be one of those kids who just decides to talk one day". and I would think "But really? She's just going to TALK out of the blue one day....sure" But that's exactly what happened! She is so amazing and last night when she said "Ni Ni Mom ma" and hugged me tight, my heart melted. These are the moments that I wish I could freeze forever.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

{My grandmother and I at brunch celebrating her 67th birthday!}

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

Realizations

2011-09-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I woke up contemplating this whole TTC baby number 3 thing. It was weird because over these last 2 cycles, knowing I was on a forced break, I haven't even thought about TTC. It would be like wasted energy right now, so I just tucked it away knowing that I would face it all again soon- just not right now. I popped my birth control pills nightly, and it hasn't crossed my mind. So waking up this particular morning with all these thoughts and feelings was just weird. I hadn't dreamed about it, or talked about it, but it was the FIRST thing that hit my mind when my eyes opened that particular morning.

I suddenly was contemplating why and if I should just stick to the original plan with this whole thing, which was to use the 2 frozen sperm samples with IUI's no matter if it were 1 attempt, or 3, and if it worked then it was meant to be and if not that was it. No more children.

But see, as I got closer and closer to the end of my rope I panicked. Pure and utter panic on the inside. Knowing that I would never be a mother again, knowing that I would never feel my baby kick inside me, knowing I would never make another bottle, or hold another baby to sleep. Knowing in fact, the option to grow my family was no longer an option.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time the other part of my brain is SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for allowing me to even experience this once, let alone twice, knowing how lucky I am to have TWO beautiful children and wondering if and why I cant just be happy with my family of four. So I don't want anyone to think "Oh poor you who are you to whine? You have two kids and I'm still trying to have one, you've had your turn SO GET OVER IT". Because honestly, I probably would think the same thing.

On the other hand, no one can tell you when your family is complete, and not to scare the infertiles who are still TTC and read my blog (if there are any) just because you've had a successful pregnancy and a baby doesn't make ANY of those infertile feelings go away. Especially if you do want another.

Back to the other morning....

I woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee, and grabbed my phone. Twitter has become such an amazing place for support for me. There, I have had a chance to bond with other IF woman, secondary IF woman, others moms and it really has been amazing place to have. I posted that morning:

Woke up this morning feeling very conflicted about our whole TTC #3 plan. Feeling like maybe we should have just stuck to the original plan...

Which was to use our 2 samples of frozen sperm for IUIs and if it worked, then it was meant to be. If not, then that was it...

I got so close to the end of the rope w/ our last IUI that I panicked. RE told me that w/ our sperm if we really wanted success IVF was best...

But now I'm starting to wonder if I should just stick to the original plan. We have 5 (although crappy) vials left. Enough for 1 more IUI...

I'm just so conflicted with it all...I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is...

And one of my dear twitter friends who just went through her 3rd IVF that ended up in a miscarriage replied to me and said:

"There is no right- all you can do is make a decision and go with it. Once you've decided, don't go back and do the "what ifs" Good luck!"

All day that comment resonated with me. All day. She was right. And I m the QUEEN of what ifs when it comes to dealing with my own infertility. Her comment made me realized that I had made these decisions, but because of fear and "what ifs" I constantly changed my plan of action. And there will always be what ifs...always.

For 2 days I thought about this and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Why would I take 10k when I have a family to try and have another baby? I could put that money towards my girls college fund. Why didn't I just stick with the plan? (Although we've figured that out now) And look at what I've drug my poor husband though.

And suddenly I knew what the answer was. I need to stick with the original plan. No matter how scary, or uncertain it is. It's the best decision for my family. Maybe I needed more time to think, or maybe it took me getting to that point to realize I would be okay if this was it. Because that's also something that I've realized. I will be okay if I don't have another baby. I will find a way to move on, because I will have to. And I am finally okay with that.

I had made all this up before talking to my husband. So as we were driving in the car a few days later and I looked at him and said "Honey, I have been thinking about this whole baby thing" he nodded his head like okay here we go again and I said "And I am starting to wonder if we (or I) should have just stuck to the original plan" HIS EYE BALLS ALMOST POPPED OUT OF HIS HEAD. He was shocked that I had taken such a step back. He agreed, as he always had, that the original plan was best.

I ended the conversation with this... "Okay, we will do the final IUI, but if I end up with triplets its all your fault"! : )

School Days

2011-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading my blog a while, you'll know that we've had a in home nanny coming to our house 2 days per week since M was about 4 months old. It was a dream come true. Nanny would come, take M out in the morning, pick K up from school, shuffle her to where ever she needed if go, and I could get some work done. I didn't need or want to have to put my itty bitty baby in day care (no offense to day care moms), but I was drowning in work. I just needed someone with experience to come and help out with M so I could get some work done. I found a great nanny with 22 years experience, it was the perfect set up for us and she has truly become part of the family.

Fast forward to now. I have a very energetic toddler who is learning, growing, and needs constant stimulation. Her needs have now changed. She no longer just needs a loving hand to feed her her bottles, rock or soothe her. She needs friends and a learning environment to help her thrive and grow and continue to give her the stimulation and interaction she needs right now.

Over the last month or two I have been touring preschools in our area, and let nanny know what my plans were, and although she will be greatly missed, this is whats best for M right now. And it is my job as her mother to make sure she is getting what she needs.

Last week, I found the most perfect school for her. I knew as SOON as I walked in that this was the place for her. They were signing, have a very low child to teacher ratio, all the teachers have degrees in early eduction or similar and it was just amazing!

So October 10th my little Miss M will be starting "school". She will continue on the same schedule, 2 full time days per week, which is so nice. I am SO SO SO excited for her because I know she is just going to love it, and it's going to be so good for her and good for her speech (which has really exploded lately, finally)! She didn't want to leave when we went for our tour. She hugged and was trying to kiss the school director. My little sweet pea. She's growing up TOO fast.

And you just wait until you see this......

UMMMMM yeah, that would be MY 2ND GRADERS school photo!!! When did my 7 year old turn into a 25 year old news anchor??!! Can someone please tell me that??! Because to me, she's still my little baby and its crazy to see her like that.

Kay is doing amazing in 2nd grade!! She's reading huge chapter books (or teenage books as my mom likes to call it), loves math (its her favorite), is such a great student, and is still the same social butterfly she has always been. She gets 2-3 phone calls per week for play dates from different kids in her class. Lets just put it this way, she has WAY more of a social life than I do! WAY more! She amazes me everyday!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

My Poor Neglected Blog

2011-09-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

I cant believe its been a month since I've updated my blog. This time of year in general is just so busy for us, and we've had a few unexpected curve balls in life which has left me little time to blog. Plus M has been VERY demanding of my time and wont let me spend any time on the computer, much less do anything else besides cater to her :). I'm lucky to check my email every few days, so yeah its been like that! Then now that K has been back in school, she's busy with homework, activities and play dates. Plus you know I am on the board of the PTO at her school. All of this = no time for blogging. I have been popping on every now and then to check on some of your blogs....Those of you who are expecting, those TTC, and those living the dream :) and although I haven't had time to comment I've been thinking of you all!

Here's a quick run down of some highlights from the last month:

M was baptised! It was a beautiful day and she did great. I was worried because shes a busy toddler who's favorite words are NO, STOP, and MINE. To quote Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey "She's sweet, but just don't cross her" ; ) Don't you love that show??! Best season yet!

K top front teeth are both LOOSE! She should be toothless in no time! Cant wait to see her like that, I'm sure its going to be weird!

M got all 4 incisors in the last 4 weeks...which is another reason why you haven't seen me. This brings her grand total to 16 teeth. How many damn teeth do you have? Momma cant handle much more! She also peed on the potty for the first time!!! Although we are far from really potty training, it was so exciting.

I developed HUGE cyst after that last round of fertility treatments (my largest ever) measuring 60x60mm and was put on the pill to shrink it. After a month of bc pills, it was still 30mm last week so I am starting another pill pack today. So I m officially on a forced break. Stupid cyst! I was actually really looking forward to have a natural cycle this month with all my body has been through these last 6 months, so hopefully next month I will be hormone FREE! But TTC is on hold for now..

Ive been working a lot more, and moved my "office" here at home to our actual office so that has limited my internet time even more. Also, I've been dealing with a lot personally with the whole TTC thing (or lack thereof) and the future of our business, and so many other things. It has caused my anxiety to increase greatly. I actually started Effex.or 2 weeks ago to help me get through these hard times, so I am hoping that will help. Anyone take it? Success? I go through phases in life where my anxiety will be worse than others, and its just one of those cycles I guess with all these stressful things going on.

And last but not least, we added a new addition to our family!! We got a new furbaby!! We adopted a 10 week old baby kitten and her name is Sweetie. K had an instant connection with her at the shelter and she has been the perfect addition to our family. She really is the perfect little cat with the best personality...not too crazy, not too shy, shes perfect! I figure if I cant have a real baby, a new furbaby is the next best thing :) We LOVE her and the girls are over the moon!

Life Lately

2011-08-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Man, I hate not being able to blog more than once a week, because when that happens I have like 2947629204 things to say and my posts become a jarbled mess about everything. Well this is going to be one of those posts, along with some pictures of course. I've been crazy busy with lots of things going on...so where do we start...

I continued my birthday celebration and had a fabulous girls weekend here at The W Hotel. Here we call them "staycations". Its where you check into one of the local resorts in the summer and have little getaway without leaving the city. Its very popular here in the summer, then the snow birds come in and take over. It was the most perfect weekend! I had SO much fun! Our weekend included going out for cocktail's, lounging pool side, and sushi of course! All kid and husband free...because every girl needs that once in a while.

K started back at school last Thursday. 2nd grade people! Boy this summer went by SO quick!

I cant believe it. I am going to miss the little booger with me all the time. It was a lot less stressful starting school this year because her first grade teacher looped up to 2nd grade and took her whole class with her. So K has the same teacher and classmates as last year! Easy peasy. She also started dance again, so we are at the dance studio 2 afternoon's a week.

Little M is fabulous these days, we are loving this age. She is 19 months, can you believe that?!

(blurry but so cute!)

She is slowly starting to talk more, she tries she really does. She says: Dada, mama, kay kay, cat, meow, quack quack, die die (bye bye, lol.), cup, hi, hug, eyes, nose, and a few more. She LOVES to give kisses and loves to draw. Circles are her favorite...

She's learning her shapes and colors, loves playing with her little people, baby doll, and books. We are already thinking about putting her in school part time once she turns 2 after the new year.

She is also a teething mess right now, cutting all 4 incisors at once. These and the molars have been the worst. But she's still a little angel!

Work has been stressful, business has been SO bad the last couple months, which is kinda scary. However I am hopeful that things will turn around soon. We've had bad times before and bounced back, but this has been pretty bad. It's been a stresser that's for sure!

And on the TTC front, I am 16 or 17 dpo and still waiting on my period to show up! ARG! That's the one thing I hate about not taking progesterone in the 2ww....being out of control. I took a trigger shot, so surely I O'ed, but I do think I have a cyst. Ever since my trigger, my left ovary has been really bothering me so maybe that's why I haven't gotten AF yet? Who knows, hopefully that b!tch shows up soon because the plan is to stat bcp once she arrives to prep for IVF. We are still trying to work out the finances, but I am hoping and praying it works out. In any case, I am preparing and going on bcp's is the first step!

So as you can see we've been really busy, and we have family in town this week but hopefully I can get back to blogging regularly again soon! Miss you guys!

My Birthday & A Surprising Update

2011-08-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog, I've had a crazy week! Monday was my birthday...you know...the big 29 I mean 26! On Friday my BFF who lives in LA decided since she had 3 days off that she would drive over and surprise me! That was the best gift ever...to be able to spend 3 days with her and her little one (who is 4 months younger than M!). I was lucky enough to spend my birthday with all the people that mean the most to me, and that's all I really wanted. The new pink Coach bag they got me wasn't too bad either ; ) We went to Benihana's to kick off my last year in my 20's.

We took a trip to the splash pad...

and then us momma's had some 'big girl time' and went out for sushi and dessert!

Now onto the surprising update...

Monday I had an IVF consult at my clinic and tomorrow I have another one at another clinic who is offering a more competitive price for IVF right now as part of s summer special. You read that right, we *MIGHT* be doing IVF! Betcha thought I'd never say that again! I never thought I'd say that again! Nothing is set in stone, and no final decision has been made, but I am really working on getting my DH on board. He agreed to me going for the consults, and obviously is considering it.

Now it all comes down to the numbers. It costs SO much money and we are all OOP, which is why I am even consulting at another clinic- cost! Meds alone would run me 2,500-3,500!! I just don't know if in the end I can get him to agree to spending that much money, so I am trying my best to get this as cheap as possible. I have contacted a group who helps donate unopened/unexpired fertility meds to those who need it to see if anyone has anything to donate, so I have been added to the "want list". My current RE would put me on the antagonist protocal, so I need follistim or other similar stim, low dose hcg, ganirelix, and estrace. If any of you have anything left over, I can take that off your hands ; ) ANYTHING would help!

We'll see how it goes tomorrow with the other RE and then we'll go from there! If we do this, I would start birth control (21 days as part of the antagonist protocol) when I get my next period, which would be in another week or two! I just PRAY and PRAY that this works out.

Thankful Thursday

2011-07-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am most thankful for these two beautiful little people.

CD 9- Am I Crazy?

2011-07-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.

Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.

My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.

Now I am seconding guessing my decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.

I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.

We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!

Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.

In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?

The Big One

2011-07-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

Kay in her ballet pro pic this year! She's so pretty!

She starts back up again in 2 weeks. I cant believe that! This year she decided she wanted to take ballet and tap. She is such a great little dancer. I really hope she keeps up with it throughout her teen years.

The Little One

2011-07-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

Kay has this little toy microphone that plays music that M loves to play with. She was singing, and twirling and dancing! She melts my heart.

Our Hail Mary Cycle

2011-07-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

It's official. We are starting our final treatment cycle. This is it folks! It's our hail mary-please-god-let-it-work-or-we-will-never-have-another-baby cycle. I called into my clinic on Monday (CD 1) only to find out that my RE was on vacation. My plan was to have my CD 3 scan scheduled with my RE so we could also discuss protocol changes. Sort of a two for the price of appointment. Well once I found out he wasn't there, I told the nurse what I had in mind for this next cycle. All injects and NO clomid because of the headaches. It was so bad last cycle that I swore I would NEVER TAKE THAT DRUG AGAIN. I would rather take the shots every single day than deal with those headaches.

She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!

After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.

Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):

CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units

Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.

I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.

I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!

{Then and Now}

2011-07-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

Lately Miss M has been obsessed with digging around in her closet and pulling out her baby things. Last week she INSISTED I get the bouncer chair out after I walked in and caught her trying to pull it out of the closet herself. Well she's been hanging out in that thing ever since! She looks so silly. But she loves it, so I let her :) I told my DH that if we have another baby, that is one thing we will have to re purchase (because I have saved everything else!)

So here is a shot of her then...so tiny and small...

and now...

The Results

2011-07-16T05:52:00.000-07:00

This mornings test was Negative.

I am Not Pregnant.

At least I can still keep my Monday morning Botox appointment (trying really hard to find a positive). Sigh.

Search Terms

2011-07-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share some of the funny searches people do to get to my blog...Some of them are interesting!

iui
the pieces of my life
everybody births
pieces of my life blog
"cd 8" clomid
necklace carrie bradshaw got from alex
operation get skinny
pieces of my life blog lisa
small dainty necklaces
saggy skin after baby (Nice that my blog pops up for this right, hahaha!)
everybody births
pieces of my life kay
trying to have baby p
giuliana and bill places they go (remember the book signing?)
giuliana and bill write a book
pieces of my life - infertility
what is it like having a sperm analysis (LOL!!)
body after baby
carrie bradshaw necklace
tryingtohavebabyp blogspot com
carrie bradshaw
instant bronze body spray
10dpiui symptoms
5 dpiui not feeling anything
after all the pieces fall giuliana and bill
ergo sticks
guliana and bill book they wrote
snowflake themed birthday party
10piui + BFP twins (How and the hell does my blog pop up for this??!)

8 Days In

2011-07-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

And man this 2ww is driving me CRAZY! I feel like I am over analyzing everything. Every twinge, every cramp, every single sign that could possibly mean that I am pregnant. Truth is, I dont know. At least last cycle with our extremely low counts I knew our chances were slim. I knew it didn't work, I just knew it. So I spent my whole 2ww telling myself that and not worrying about it, while secretly praying for a miracle. This time I am much more hopeful!!

Because we had much more sperm this time around, in my mind we had a decent shot! And it could have really worked! So enter the 2ww hell of mind games and torture. Combine that with the nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that none of these attempts may work. That I need to be prepared to never experience pregnancy and child birth again. Never knowing what M's little sister (putting it out there already) may have looked like. And closing that whole chapter of my life. I know I have 2 beautiful girls, and believe me I know how extremely lucky I am to have them! Every night I hold each of them tightly thanking god for giving me such amazing gifts. But am I ready to say at 28 years old that I will never mother another? That is always at the back of my mind. Always. and I hate that the choice has been taken away from me. DAMN YOU INFERTILITY!!

For now my focus is making it through this week and hopefully seeing TWO glorious lines on Saturday morning!! In the mean time, I am pumping myself full of progesterone, taking a baby aspirin, drinking a big glass of POM juice every morning (something new I am trying this cycle to increase blood flow to the ute), and PRAYING!

Meal Planning Monday

2011-07-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

My cousins are now gone, so back to meal planning like usual! Man, I've spent so much money at the grocery store lately as a result. Here's whats for dinner.

Chicken Thighs with Shallots and Red Wine Vinegar served with roasted veggies and a salad.
Pulled Pork Barbecue Sandwiches served with a side of light cole slaw and corn on the cobb.
Vegetable Fried Rice
Chicken Tamale Casserole
Bombay Shrimp Curry with Coconut Rice

What a Week

2011-07-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

My week started with a fabulous blow from The Dry Bar, my new favorite place. 35 dollars, 7 different blow outs to chose from, 30 minutes, and fabulous results :) I mixed 2; the Cosmopolitan and the Southern Comfort to give me volume on top with loose curls on the bottom. LOVE! Its not good that this place is 10 min. from my house lets just say that okay?

We've enjoyed lunches by the pool. Its been scorching hot here (read 115+) so we have had many a days by the pool this week.

Kay had to get 2 teeth pulled at the dentist :( We had to make room for those big teeth to come in, and if we didn't extract they would have started to come in side ways and all sorts of funky. My big girl walked out all excited and said "Mom, guess what? I lost TWO teeth! I didn't even know they were wiggly!" She did amazing, but its going to be a while until the ones they pulled grow in. The roots were very long, but at least now the one next to her one big one can come in straight! There will be more of these extractions in her future unfortunately.

Miss M thought it would be funny to run from Mommy while I was trying to get her to sit on the p.otty....

Catch me if you can!

And my little cousins from Houston are here visiting. One is 13 and one is 10 and Kay has had SO much fun spending time with her cousins and we've stayed very busy running around entertaining them. Another bonus, is because we've been so busy I haven't thought much about my 2ww! I am 4dpiui today and started my progesterone supplements yesterday. Chugging right along, nothing to report yet. Have a great weekend everyone!

{Almost} Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

{Hugs}

{Kisses}

And {Friends}

All make a great 4th of July!

4th of July IUI

2011-07-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

What were my 4th of July plans? To get inseminated that's what! The clinic was bustling this morning, full of patients causing them to be behind by an hour. The wait was worth it because when I walked into the exam room and saw the sticky note that said that my 4 defrosted vials yielded 9.6 mil total motitle count with zero round cells I was ECSTATIC!!! I mean, that is way beyond what I was hoping for. I was shooting for 5 mil, so I am so over the moon happy!! I finally feel like I got some really great news and that we actually have a shot at this! That's a far cry for the 2.4 mil last time, but the nurse did say that some of the vials will have more than others, so we hit the jackpot with one of those 4 vials.

Test date is July 16th!!

Happy 4th Everyone!!

Well Thats Something I Never Thought I'd Do

2011-07-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to a big firework festival like we do every year. Well the fireworks started at 9:30, its 20 min. away, and traffic is always hell getting out of there so I thought I should bring my trigger shot with me just in case. I needed to take the shot at 10:30, so it was a close call. In the end, I am glad I brought it with me because I had to shoot up in a Circle K bathroom!

Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!

That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!

CD 11

2011-07-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

Today was my first follie check and I was eager to get in because I haven't been feeling much going on in my ovaries. Usually, I feel twinges, fullness, tenderness, and bloating, All signs that something is cooking in there. This cycle, none of that despite the increase to 100mg of clomid and 3 shots of bravelle. So I was really anxious to see what I had going on.

Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.

Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.

I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....

Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...

So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.

I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.

Holy Headache

2011-06-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

WOW. I don't remember having headaches like these the last time I was taking clomid. Last cycle on the 50 mg, about 2 days in I got a headache for 3 days straight. This time, only one dose in on the 100mg and yesterday afternoon it hit me. A RAGING headache! And no matter what I take, I cant get rid of it. It was so bad last night that I thought about calling the RE's office to see if I could just stop taking it. I do not get headaches, so this is out of the ordinary for me. If this wasn't my last cycle, I would never take this drug again! It's evil!! But I am going to suck it up and keep trucking along. All for a good cause. I start my bravelle shots tonight!

Back on The Wagon

2011-06-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

The fertility treatment wagon that is! Today is CD 2 and I will start meds tomorrow for our very last cycle. My RE changed my protocol a little this cycle as as result of what happened last cycle.

CD 3-7 100 mg Clomid

CD 5 & 8 a 75 unit shot of Bravelle

Start OPK's on CD 8

First monitoring appointment on CD 11- which is Saturday July 2 and we'll go from there.

If you remember last cycle I started out great, but then things started getting weird and I stalled out mid cycle, Because of this my RE said that he decided to up my clomid. He said it can help the follicles mature later in the cycle, and that's when I started having problems last cycle. He also switched my injection days, to only 5 & 8, not sure why but my RE is very conservative and I think he is scared that I will over produce.

Here's another thing, my actual RE will be out of town while I am cycling this time. I am very nervous about this. He knows my situation and we have very open communication with one another, so if things go array again we will be consulting with another Dr. in the practice. I mean, that's fine but this cycle is critical. It is our LAST SHOT and I just really wish my Dr was there. The nurse said she was going to ask if he will be available by phone in case we need him, and hopefully he will be. It makes me a little nervous, but I know I am still in good hands with the other RE's. One of them I've seen a couple times, he actually did both my HSG's.

You may also notice that I switched from follistim to bravelle. Well that's because the follistim I was using was left over from when I was cycling with M. I've used that up, and because I am all OOP and these meds are very expensive a sweet sweet IF friend of mine donated her left over boxes of bravelle! So a huge THANK YOU to her!! At least I don't have to worry about that expense.

Picking up my meds today and will start popping pills tomorrow night! Bring it on!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

The Story of When K Slept Through a Fire Alarm

2011-06-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

About 2 months ago, it was an ordinary evening here at the P residence. I had put the kids to bed, watched a little TV, then went to bed myself. I was in a nice deep sleep when at 1:00 am I was abruptly woken to the sound of my FIRE ALARMS going off in my house.

Can we talk about the SHEER PANIC it feels like to be woken by your smoke alarm? In the middle of the night? When your a mom????? INSTANT HEART ATTACK. I mean full on, heart pumping out of your chest, ready to puke, shaking uncontrollably, heart attack.

I jumped right up, no delay- grabbed the video monitor and ran right to Kay's room. I peaked at M on the monitor- she appeared to be fine. Kay was okay, and in route to her room (across the kitchen from ours) I saw no fire or smoke to speak of. My husband instantly woke up too, but he doesn't have the panic button like I do. Maybe its because I am a mom, or because I am a girl but I cant even put into words what I felt for that instant when I woke up to that sound blaring off in my home. I mean it freaked him out, but once he saw there was no fire he was okay. I was not.

The high pitched VERY LOUD blare was still going off and my husband was running around checking for fires anywhere. Once we discovered there was no fire and I had officially died from my heart attack, he proceeded to figure out which unit it was causing the whole system to go off. See we have a whole house system that is connected, so if one goes off, they all go off. This has happened once before and one of the alarms batteries had died- causing the whole system to go off while we ran around trying to figure out which one it was. Pain the in the giant ass. Luckily then it was during the day and we knew there was no fire. This time it was in the middle of the night, and so we didn't know if there was a fire! Very scary!

10 minutes went by, alarm still blaring and it suddenly dawned on me. Kay never woke up! She was snoring right through multiple EXTREMELY loud fire alarms going off, one right outside her open door!! SCARY. Miss M didn't wake up either, but I was more worried and surprised by Kay. See M couldn't help herself out even if there was a fire so that didn't bother me as much, but say the fire was in Kay's room and the alarms where going off? WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED?

We finally figured out that it was the unit that is IN Kay's room that had a dead battery so that one wasn't going off, but there is one RIGHT outside her room (literally 2 feet away on the ceiling away from the other one) that was- and her door was wide open.

Needless to say, after all was said and done my husband went back to sleep and as the kids were still snoozing away, I couldn't go back to sleep. I was too shaken up by the whole thing. For that few seconds that I thought there was a fire and how I needed to get to my kids was my worst nightmare. Just the thought. How could I go back to sleep?!

All of this had me thinking about how we need to put evacuation plans in place, and how I could ensure that Kay would wake up if the alarm ever went off again. Maybe next time it wont be a false alarm and I want her to be safe. But HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

I called my BFF the very next morning and told her the whole story, the whole thing almost had her in tears- ya know imagining waking up to your fire alarms going off...and I told her about Kay and how she didn't wake up and how that really worried me. Her theory is this: Kay has too many sleeping apparatuses and there for goes into a too deep of sleep. Okay okay, Kay does sleep with a sound machine on (we all do, and in case you were wondering rain is our sound of choice), she also sleeps with a sleep mask (she started the a couple years ago!), her blankie, and her fan on high.

So what am I supposed to do? Strip them of their lovies? Lets just pray that never happens again!

The Ship: Oasis of The Seas

2011-06-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

It is impossible to show you all the things on this ship, but here are some highlights of Royal Caribbeans Oasis of the Seas.

The Royal Promenade

Guest services, shopping, a few restaurants, a sports bar, a cupcake shop, and entertainment.

They had a DJ one night. Actually he is in the Rising Tide Bar that's in the middle of the Royal Promenade. Notice its oval shape. You enter, and every 30 min. it goes up a level! So one moment your in the Royal Promenade, and 30 min. later your in Central Park, all while sipping your favorite cocktail! I've never seen anything like it.

The Rising Ride Bar- Going up!

Central Park

Fancy restaurants,casual resturants, lots of sitting areas, and a COACH store!

Looking down on Central Park. There are balcony rooms that over look both Central Park and the Boardwalk.

The Boardwalk

Carousel, Johnny Rockets, a seafood restaurant, a bar, a candy shop, a donut shop, and a few kid stores. Also the outdoor theater/aqua theatre, and both rock climbing walls.

Ran into these guys out there one day...

View at night...we saw Little Fockers that night.

The Kiddie Pool
It was huge! Complete with a separate whirl pool that was quite fun I might add!

A separate baby/toddler area

The Fisher Price Play Room

They had open play every day, and scheduled play dates where they played music and had themes.

The Rock Wall

One of two of the rock walls...That's me in the pink- hanging on for dear life!

And the Ice Rink where they had shows and open skate! We were at a show this night...

Other highlights of this ship not pictured: The Flo Rider (surf simulator), Mini Golf Course, the Zip Line (that goes over Central Park), a 3D movie theatre, the ultra chic adults only Solarium pool and spa and gym! Truly 5 star in every way!

Hello!

2011-06-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! We got back from our trip late Saturday night and its been a whirlwind of time changes, unpacking, laundry, and work ever since. We had a great time, but I have to admit it is HARD traveling with small children. The 4.5 hour plane ride was tough and kids are exhausting! But the cruise ship was AMAZING and all the islands we visited were like paradise. Unfortunately though, it rained except the first 2 days :( I was so so so sad about that, especially St. Marteen because everyone said that even if it is raining other places it is always hot and sunny there. It was pure paradise, but cloudy and/or raining. So we didn't exactly get to enjoy the beaches like we had hoped. But you cant control mother nature and we made the best of it!

The girls had a blast and I was seriously impressed in all they had to offer even for kids as young as M's age. They had huge play rooms with every Fisher Price toy, crayola art rooms, a science lab, a kids theatre, in addition to the Boardwalk area of the ship that was outdoors complete with a carousel and all the Pixar/Dreamworks characters (All the peeps from Shrek, Madagascar, and How to Train your Dragon). We also took full advantage of the nursery for Miss M (open 7am to midnight!), so mommy and daddy could have some alone time while K was in the kids adventure club. It was SO nice to have that because we weren't traveling with any other family. I highly recommend the Royal Caribbean Oasis of the Seas! It has something and more for EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE! Amazing! But I definitely don't feel that "rested" feeling you usually have after a vacation, because of having the children with us and going going going all the time. I loved every second of it though!! Memories to last a lifetime!

Here are some pictures of our first stop: Nassau, Bahamas. One of the only sunny days. We spent the day at the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island. They have the most AMAZING aquariums there!

I took 715 pictures on our trip so will definitely be posting lots more soon.

Au Revoir!

2011-06-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm signging off. For the next 8 days I will be here...

here...

and here!!

A vacation is definatly in order. We are bringing the kids and I cant wait!

Summer Fun

2011-05-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

I cant think of a better way to kick off Summer than by hanging pool side with friends! I look forward to many more days like this :)

Onto The Next...

2011-05-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

I started AF yesterday. At 13dpiui. I did stop my progesterone they day before though, but took another test yesterday morning just to be sure. It didn't matter though because in the afternoon I started full flow. I am actually happy about that because that means I can start the pill again on Sunday. And that also means my next cycle (break cycle) will end and our next treatment cycle will begin June 20 something! That's not that far!

I am going back on the pill again because I am very prone to cysts and long cycles, so this way we can insure a nice 28 day cycle and NO cysts, which also saves me the 290.00 for a CD 3 u/s (my RE will let me skip if I've been on the pill). It's weird to me to think about what I am putting my body through though going back and forth between taking the pill to suppress ovulation, then giving myself shots to super ovulate. I'm telling my body 'DONT OVULATE' then 'OVUALTE' then 'DONT OVULATE' then 'OVUALUTE'. I wonder if its confused? Oh well. Unless I want a potential 50 day cycle, then a huge cyst, and have to wait out another 40 or more day cycle this is in order! I'm really okay with it, and I don't think its an issue but when I really thought about it yesterday I was like wow!

Whatevs, I start the pill tomorrow! Hope everyone has a fun and relaxing Memorial Day weekend! We are going to a pool party today, and the zoo on Monday.

Negative.

2011-05-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

Just as I suspected, I am not pregnant. As much as I was prepared to only see one line, there still was that little part of me that was hoping and PRAYING I would get a miracle. That I would be the lucky one that had a successful IUI with only 2.4mil sperm. That I would see 2 glorious pink lines this morning.

But I didn't.

Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.

But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.

We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.

At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!

10dpiui

2011-05-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

And no symptoms at all. Not one. No sore boobs, not a twinge of a cramp, nothing. I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant. I told my DH yesterday that there was no way I was pregnant. His response was 'well things can happen at different times and you may not have the same symptoms as before'. I know, I know but I feel like especially because I have been pregnant twice before I would know if something was going on. Maybe not, but that's where I'm at.

And I know EXACTLY how I gained so much weight while trying to have baby M. Progesterone is the devil. I CAN NOT get full. Seriously, I will eat a meal and then 30 min. could eat another meal. Its bad. When I did get pg with M and had to stay on it for 12 weeks, I gained 12 pounds! IN THE FIRST TRI! Hello your baby is the size of a pea there is no reason to gain that kind of weight! Once I stopped it, the weight gained stopped too. It's amazing! I'm still fighting the battle though and going to the gym everyday even though my diet has been in the shitter.

2 more days until testing!!

Meal Planning Monday

2011-05-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

This is what's for dinner at my house this week!

Grilled Flank Steak with Tomatoes, Red Onions, and Balsamic served with a baked potato for the H and a baked sweet potato for me and M (kay wont eat either) and a spring mix salad.
Broiled Salmon with Marmalade Dijon Glaze served with jasmine rice, sauteed zucchini, and a side salad.
Swedish meatballs with Egg Noodles
Chicken Quesadillas with a homemade chunky guacamole.
BBQ Turkey Sliders with homemade oven fries.

High Heels

2011-05-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

For the last couple weeks, M's new fascination has been with a pair of Kay's dress up shoes. She would put one on and clock around the house. She tried and tried to put both on, and desperatly wanted to wear both, but it was too challenging for her to balance. So she's been doing the one heel walk. Well it didnt take her long to learn how to walk in those heels boy, because just a few days later she's mastered it! Now she walks around the house in her high heels all the time. Some toddlers are still mastering walking/running and here my little girl is walking in heels!

They're just a little big though dontcha think?

Doesnt stop her though!

6dpiui

2011-05-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Good lord could this 2ww go by ANY slower? I have to admit though as much as I WANT this to work, I really don't think this is it. I would love nothing more than to wake up next Thursday to 2 nice big fat pink lines, but lets face it chances are I will be seeing a lonely single line. I keep telling myself every time I muster up a little hope and think "maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones" I stop myself and say "c'mon Lisa, do you really think your gonna pee on a stick in a week and see 'Pregnant'? Get real!" Its sort of abusive really, but its the only way I can try to brace myself for a BFN. Not get my hopes up. Its an evil vicious cycle.

It's safe to say that the side effects from the progesterone are kicking in. The last 2 days I have been so drained and exhausted!

Symptom check: None yet. But it's still early, so if a did get blessed with a miracle little baby P would just now be implanting so I don't expect much yet.

This is going to be the longest 2ww EVER!

iPhone Photos

2011-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Kay in her dance recital costumes for ballet and jazz..

Enjoying the park...

Too cool..

Who needs toys when you have diaper boxes, these entertained them for hours!

Say What?

2011-05-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

CD 18: IUI Day

2011-05-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the big day. Boy I though this day would never come, it was rough ride getting here but I made it! I woke up super early today, I guess it was the nerves. I wasn't nervous about the IUI itself, they are pretty simple but I was super worried about the sperm and how it would thaw, how much we would get, etc.

We defrosted 3 of the 12 vials we have and ended up with only 2.4 mil. total motile sperm for today's IUI. They really like more than 5 mil. for IUI's, but that's what we got. I had 3 mature follies on the left side, so hopefully ONE of those sperm meets ONE of those eggs. Its completely out of my hand and into gods.

I realize that these numbers could be much worse, but I was really hoping for 5-7 mil. I want to have hope, but lets face it the odds are against us. However, it only takes one:::::it only takes one:::::::it only takes one:::::: I have to keep telling myself that.

Bring on the 2ww! My test date is May 28th, but I will probably test on the 26th or 12dpiui. That's when I got my BFP last time, so I feel pretty secure testing on that date. I never ever test sooner than that, so here's to hoping the next 12 days fly by!

CD 15

2011-05-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

I have to start out by saying that I truly love my RE's office and the staff there. It is all the same staff from the last time I cycled, so I have gotten a chance to really "know" a lot of them and vise vera through the years. My Dr. is amazing and really trying his best to accommodate my OOPness, and they are all just rooting for me. Today they gave me a bag of 8 boxes of Crinone to try and save me a little money and 2 of the nurses were fighting for which one was going to get to do my IUI. I just love all of them! And in case you were wondering about the IUI...well this thing is just dragging on and on...but I've spent so much time and money already that there is no point in stopping now.

Today's daily vag cam visit showed 3 on the left still at 18, 17, and 15 with a few smaller ones. Still nothing considerable on the right. And my OPK was still negative today. So they did grow. A little. I knew I should have done a 75 shot yesterday instead of a 50. Me and the Dr went back and forth a little bit about it, but he was still worried because of my age and the fact that I could potentially have too many, so 50 it was even though I was pushing for 75. Well I was right. And I made sure to tell him that today ; )

And just because things cant possibly go the way expected to now (we all thought I would defiantly trigger today), I'm not. Instead I did another shot of Bravelle. 75 units this time. Because sometimes a woman just knows best!

BUT

I can at least say that I am on the books now! I will trigger tomorrow night at 10:30 pm and am scheduled for an IUI on Saturday morning at 8:30 am. There is no reason for me to come in again tomorrow, because even if they don't grow at all (which shouldn't be the case, they should at least grow another 1mm) that 18, 17 and maybe even the 15 should each have a viable mature egg. We are just pushing for a little closer to the "ideal" 20mm.

Me and the RE also had a pretty heart to heart conversation about what he would do if he were in this position, and he thinks because this cycle has gone so array that we should only thaw a MAXIMUM of 3 vials, no matter what the counts and save the rest for a more textbook cycle. I agree, although don't get me wrong this could still result in a pregnancy and he made me very aware of that! I should have 2-3 mature eggs, and although they are all on one side, it is still very possible! I don't have too much hope and would feel better if there were targets on each side, but it is what it is at this point and it is completely out of my hands and into gods.

So now I just PRAY that I don't get a + OPK tomorrow, because if I do my IUI will be pushed to Friday. The 13th. I would just much rather have immaculate timing than surge on my own.

CD 14

2011-05-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Annnnnd the saga continues folks. I keep hoping that every time I post an update here that I will have a definite answer of what is going with my cycle, but once again my body has its own ideas. Even my Dr. thinks this whole thing is pretty bizarre! I went in today and low and behold my ovaries look EXACTLY like they did on Sunday! I have a 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, and an 11 on the left side. And only 2 other little guys on the right (10 and 13). Is that bad to have all of them on one side?? That's pretty much how things were looking on Sunday, then I apparently stalled out a little for the last 2 days and now back to where they were. Freaky Freaky! So the extra little shot yesterday must have given them the memo that this isn't over yet.

However, I am still not ready. My RE thought that I should do another shot today and *hopefully* I'll be ready for trigger tomorrow for an IUI on Friday. But because I had already used all of my 300 unit cartridge with this cycle already and he didn't want me busting into a whole new one, he called in a 75 unit vial of Bravelle upstairs to the pharmacy. So I ran upstairs, paid the 55.00 bucks, came back down stairs, mixed the meds and gave myself a shot right there on the spot. Done and Done.

He said I didn't have to come back tomorrow, remember I am all OOP and paying $290 a pop here so he is trying to be mindful of that, which I do appreciate. He said that I could just go ahead and trigger tomorrow night. We discussed this and I told him that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about that. What I have learned over the last 6 days is that I can no longer trust my body to do what it should do. Theoretically, they should have continued to grow over these last couple days. Not stop. And yes, they should grow and be ready tomorrow but after all this, I am not sure that's what will happen. I am just not willing to take ANY chances here and would rather shell out the extra $$ than waste my only shot at ever having another baby. I just cant.

So I'll be shelping my ass back to the RE's office tomorrow once again, for the 4th day in a row and my 5th so far this cycle for another u/s. I really don't mind it, except the money part. Either way, we decided that since this has gotten so crazy that if for any reason I am not ready tomorrow- we are just going to cancel, scrap this cycle, and start over. So much has happened already, that if I am not ready tomorrow I am not prepared to continue on under these weirdo circumstance.

Also, before I forget we all had a suedo meeting while I was there. Myself, my RE, and the sperm guy. I feel bad calling him that, but I don't know what his official job title is. I just wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page as to what we are dealing with and what exactly will go down Friday, if that is IUI day. Sperm guy says he will start with defrosting 2 vials first, then add a 3rd and so on until we hit 5 mil. or above. What he told me next had me spinning into a full blown panic attack. He said that the sperm has not been washed or prepped! WHATS THAT YOU SAY SPERM GUY??!! My jaw literally hit the floor and stayed there for at least 30 seconds. That means there will be even less in each vial after they spin/wash it. I was under the impression that this was all done at collection time and these numbers were post wash, etc.

I don't know guys, I just really beaten up here about this whole thing. I sure hope all this isn't a sign...

16 Months

2011-05-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

I cant believe my little buttercup is 16 months old already. But here we are all...in full blown toddler mode! These last few months she has really blossomed into this little sweet person that has become capable of so much! It's really amazing how smart she is. I know every parent says that about their kid, but she truly amazes me with some of the things she does.

She doesn't say much, but boy does she listen. She follows directions VERY well, that alone impresses me daily. For example, if you tell her we are going bye bye, or she sees me gathering up my stuff and getting my purse, etc. she will go to the shoe basket, dig through to find her matching pair of shoes, then hands them to me, and sits on the floor for me to put them on. Most recently, she has become aware of her poopie diapers. If she has a poopie and you say in your annoying mommy voice "Do you have a poop twos?? (that's what I call it...hahaha)" she will grab her diaper, then head toward her room or lay on the floor to get changed. Or if you tell her its ni ni time and its time to brush our teeth, she goes to her bathroom and waits to get her teeth brushed. She's knows what up!

If you ask her to go get something from a certain room in the house, she will. And if you ask her to put something back in a certain place, she does. She's a listener! But the one thing that still worries me slightly and I have mentioned this before here, is her speech development. I just feel like she should be saying more. We know she is capable and smart enough. She was a late babbler and has never been very vocal baby. Is she just quite, or is there an issue? Right now, she says: dada, mama, cup, uh oh, quack quack, moo, and she tries to say Kay and cat. She will sign eat, more, and all done.

I brought this up at her 15 month appt. Her Dr. asked me a few other questions and then said "I would almost bet on my reputation that this girl is perfectly fine!" So I kinda tried to stop worrying about it so much. But I will say this, as a mother I know to trust my gut. And if at her 18 month appoint I still have concerns, I WILL push for an early evaluation.

Okay onto the fun stuff....

-At her 15 mth appt. she weighed almost 22lbs (25%), was 30 1/2 inches long (50%), and her head was still in the 75-95%. All of this is right on track of where she was at 12 months.
-She takes 1 1.5-2 hour nap per day and sleeps from 7-7:30pm to 6:30am with out any issues.
-She wears a size 4 diaper, 18-24 month clothing, and size 5 shoe.
-We think her hair is going to be curly like her sisters!
-She is very girly already. She loves to wear jewelry and sits patiently to get her nails painted!
-She still eats like a champ, loves all her veggies and fruit. The only thing we know of that she doesn't like is eggs. She just wont eat them.
-She has 14 teeth, including her first 4 molars. This is actually the longest time she's gone without getting new teeth, but I don't think her canines are too far off.

She loves: Music! The WHOLE time we are in the car she is dancing. If we are in a store and there is music, she dances. She loves music, its so cute! Milk, she would drink a gallon a day if you let her! Sesame Street, it is the ONLY show she will actually sit and watch. Her babies doll, she carries around her babies all day. Puts them down for naps with her blanky and her most favorite thing to do is push them in the doll stroller. She will go round and round and round the island in kitchen pushing her baby in the stroller. Blocks, the nanny says she is going to be an engineer because she could play blocks and build all day. She also loves books, but she wont actually sit still enough for me to read her a story, long walks, going to the park, and being outside. And to EAT, she's loooves to eat. If she's not eating, she's not happy!

She hates: Being strapped in her stroller if we are not moving, for example she WILL NOT sit in her stroller at Kay's soccer games, or if we are at a party, or at a restaurant, she wants out! I am kinda jealous of the moms who have babies that will sit calmly in their strollers. I wish! Sharing with her sister, for some reason this is a problem. Not so much with other babies, but she doesn't like to share toys/etc. or even her Mommy with Kay, but of course Kay instigates her at times. I guess that's the way it rolls with siblings.

There you have it! Miss M in a nutshell at 16 months!

CD 13

2011-05-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought things couldn't get ANY weirder with this cycle and my body, they did. Once again, I walked in to meet my fate with the vag cam expecting answers and a conclusion to this mess and walked out with even more questions and even more confused than ever.

My Doc placed the vag cam in, and started with the left first (my rock star side). Well you know how yesterday there was 17 and a 16's and some 14's on that side? Well now there is NO 17, but a 16, a few 15's, and then a few more trailing along at 13. U/S showed NO growth. WTF?!! I am completely and utterly clueless as to what is going on here. At first he thought well maybe I ovulated on my own already? But I have not gotten a + OPK as of yet. Although I did have to take it earlier yesterday and today because of my appointments.

He moved over to the right side and I have a few on that side still, but they are all SMALL (like 10-12)!!!! He thinks that maybe we need to "keep feeding them" for them to continue to grow?? So I am instructed to give myself a 50 unit shot and come back tomorrow. I really don't know what to think at this point. We are both kind of at a loss to what is going on. But I guess the body works in mysterious way and this is showing us just how unpredictable it and infertility can be.

I decided that from now on I am leaving my expectations of whats going to happen with this cycle at the door, because here I went from on the verge of being cancelled for having TOO many to basically flat lining in the last couple days.

The only thing I can do now is trust my Dr. and hope that my body is just keeping us on our toes a little. Because like Thomas Jefferson said anything worth having is worth fighting for......

Meal Planning Monday

2011-05-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

Ranch Chicken I use chicken tenders for this recipe. Served with broccoli and a baked potato (I skip that!)
Kale Potato Sausage Soup I got a bunch of potatoes in my Bountiful Basket this week, so I am trying to find creative ways to use them :) This is similar to the Toscana Soup at Olive Garden, YUM!
Tomato, Basil, and Cheese Pasta Bake I take short cut here. I use jarred sauce and I also add 1 pound of 93% lean ground beef or turkey. Served with a side salad.
Grilled Steak Fajitas served with southwestern corn on the cobb.
Chicken Rollatini with Spinich alla Parmigiana served with a spring mix salad.

CD 12

2011-05-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

I walked into my appointment this morning for my follow up u/s expecting to know if we would be cancelled or not. I assumed that we'd either cancel, or be ready to trigger. Neither of this was the case. I still cant believe how different this cycle is going compared to all of my others. Leave it up to infertility to throw a curve ball at you when you least expect it. All of my follies continued to grow, but now I have a 17, 16, 16, 14, 14, in the lead with a few more smaller ones around 11, 12, and 13. We tossed around a few ideas...

-Trigger today hoping that only the 17 and 16's produce an egg even though they are not the "ideal" size for trigger. We almost did this, but I decided that if I am going to use this sperm for our final IUI's I want the conditions to be PERFECT and this was not.

-Cancel assuming they will all continue to grow and we will have too many follies to proceed. Which unfortunately this is what we think is going to happen considering that they already continue to grow since my last u/s 2 days ago.

-Or come back tomorrow and PRAY that the 14's seize and the 16's and 17 are ready for for trigger tomorrow (my RE likes them to be around 20 at trigger time).

I really don't want to cancel unless we have to and I am not ready to pull the plug just yet. I am still hoping that we can continue with this cycle and my body will cooperate so I am going back at 9:00am tomorrow for another u/s to see where they are at. FINGERS STILL CROSSED!!!!!

CD 10

2011-05-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

I walked into my first monitoring appointment this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to see what was cooking in my ovaries this go round. I knew something was going on on the left side because starting yesterday I've been getting twinges and fullness on that side..but I was totally not expecting to get the news I did...

The nurse scanned my right ovary first. I have (2) 15mm follies and a few more tiny ones on that side. Then she moved on to the left...I have SIX yes SIX follies on that side ranging from 11-15mm. I was in complete and utter shock that I respond the way that I did this time. I have always had 1-3 follies and have been on this protocol before, so I was completely stunned. So as it stands right now, I have a 50% chance that this cycle will be cancelled for over stimulating. We are hoping and praying that the smaller ones stay small, and that the bigger ones stay dominate and continue to grow.

I go back on Sunday for another scan to see where they are at. If I have more than 3-4 mature follicles Sunday we will be cancelled. I really really hope that isn't the case because that means all the money we've spent so far, all the meds, etc. was a complete waste. But the risks of having multiples (heck even twins scare the shit outta me!!) would be far too great to proceed and one that I or my Dr. would not be willing to take. We'll see what happens on Sunday. FINGERS CROSSED!

So please if you can spare a few extra prayers for me and my ovaries it would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank You!!

CD 8

2011-05-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

I started my daily OPK's this morning (today's was negative), took my last clomid pill last night (good rid dins!) and my last follistim shot just a few minutes ago! Thankfully nothing crazy happened this time. I have been doing the shots myself and I am pretty proud of myself! But lets face it, its either that or get stabbed again. So I think I'll just suck it up and do it.

I haven't started feeling anything in my ovaries yet, no dull aches or fullness so I am curious to see how well I respond this time. It is only CD 8 so maybe in the next few days I'll start feeling something. Next up- my ultra sound/follie check on Friday!

I know this is probably going to sound crazy, but during the midst of all this I am still trying to lose 5 pounds. Ambitious I know given that I am being pumped full of hormone this month but I AM DETERMINED. Of course, if I get pregnant I will ease up but until I see 2 lines it's full steam ahead. We are going on a 7 day eastern Caribbean cruise at the beginning of June!! That means I'll be in a bathing suit for 7 days straight. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I've been doing really well eating good and maintaining my exercise routine, and plan to continue to do so except the 2 days following my IUI. After that I might ease up a little on the intensity of my workouts during the 2ww until I test. Eeekkk! I'm scared already!

Would it be too much to ask for to lose 5 lbs AND get pregnant? : )