It's Go Time

Today is CD 3 and I had my baseline appointment this morning, my cyst was finally gone so that means I will start injections tonight! Here's the plan (so far) for this cycle; our last attempt to have another child together:

CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!

We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!

I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!

CD 4

Well I'm 2 clomid pills and one shot deep today! I took my first clomid pill last night, and another tonight along with my first shot of follistim. I had to wipe the dust off my
Follistim pen (literally, it had dust on the case) and made my husband shoot me. I know this is going to sound like such a bad problem to have, but I don't have much fat on my stomach so I was really nervous that it was going to puncture my abdominal muscles and then I would be laying there screaming. Dramatic? I know. And it's a little needle too, but I literally have no fat layer there. None. Not an inch. Just skin and then muscle where I am supposed to inject.

My husband didn't believe me, and said " Okay sure, whatever. Just get get over here and lay down." Then he felt my stomach and was like "wow!" "Your right, you don't have any fat there just loose skin...hahaha!" Trust me, I have lots of fat in other regions but for some reason after baby # 2 my body fat distributed differently and I just don't have any fat there! I didn't know what to do. So I just sat on the edge of the bed and scrunched my belly skin as much as possible, grabbed what I could and looked the other direction while he jabbed me. Nice huh?

Not to worry, its was PAINLESS! Perfectly fine! The first one is always a little scary. We're on our way.....

CD 1

Well AF arrived last night! I called my RE's office this morning to get the ball rolling. We needed to go over my protocol, etc. and I had questions this time since its been a while! I needed a little refresher. Here is what's going down.

CD 3-7: 50mg Clomid
CD 4, 6, 8: 75unit shot of Follistim
CD 8: Start daily OPK's with second or third morning urine
CD 10: First monitoring ultra sound to see whats cooking and when to trigger!

My last cycle (the one where I conceived baby M!) I went in on CD 11 and had (2) 22mm, (1) 15mm and a (1) 12mm follie. I triggered that night and had my IUI 36 hours later. Since I was ready on CD 11 last time, I thought it might be a little safer to bring me in 1 day earlier on CD 10 this time. I just don't want to risk ANYTHING, so its better to be safe than sorry. I would hate to ovulate or start surging on my own before trigger. I just need everything to go as smoothly as possible with this hail mary cycle!

I pick up my meds tomorrow and will start them on Friday!

Looming Emotions

With this treatment cycle getting ready to start (should be getting AF today or tomorrow!) this is all becoming too real. I am realizing that my plan is now becoming my reality. And as much as I thought I was ready for this day, I am starting to get mixed emotions thinking about all this. I thought that no matter what the out come of these last 2 attempts, I would be okay. What is meant to be, is meant to be. Well now that its actually here, am I really ready for this all to be over?

I just hate that I have to make this decision. I hate that I have to face never having the option to have another child at only 28. I hate that I don't have the luxury of being able to have another in a few years, if we wanted to without having to plan and pay for IVF. I just hate it all. But these are the cards I was dealt. Infertility is not fair, not for me and not for anyone else dealing with it. If this IUI or the next doesn't work- that's it. No more kids. I will never be pregnant again, and I have no more options (unless we pay to do IVF, which will never happen). That chapter is over me. Its a very hard pill to swallow now that I am forced to deal with it. I just wish I didn't HAVE to make this decision. I wish I could leave the door open...ugh.

I will be blogging and documenting through my cycle once it gets started! Lots of prayers please.

Now What.

I started the pill 10 days ago.  I started spotting a few days ago and yesterday I started bleeding. Full on red flow. Why cant my body ever just cooperate and do what its supposed to??!! I called my RE  because I wanted to know if this was going to mess up my plans to cycle next cycle...I mean he did put me on the pill to REGULATE me and all. I finally heard back from them today, and after some talks about switching pills or stopping them and starting them again, I was told to just continue taking them and call on my "real" CD 1. Who knows when that's going to be.....what a headache. I'm crampy, moody,  and I feel like I am on AF, and I'm bleeding, but its CD 10. What gives?   

Nothing can ever be easy in this department for me, so I don't see why I would expect anything else at this point.

More Thoughts on TTC # 3..

*Disclaimer: If you haven't read my post from yesterday, you might want to start there before you read this so you can be up to speed.

I just wanted to get more of my feelings out there about moving forward with this final attempt to have another baby. This is the deal. I *think* I have finally come to a place where if I don't have anymore kids I can accept that and move on. I've been blessed enough to have 2 beautiful children and if that's all that god gives me, then I'm okay with that. I have had no choice but to come to terms that having a baby is not up to me and my body, that I am not like other woman and couples who can just have sex and make a baby at their own will (and even TIME it!), and even though it still makes me bitter as hell, its my reality and I have to come to terms with it at some point.

This is huge for me. Getting to this place was slow, but really its the mind set I have to be in because realistically we have very little to work with and the odds of achieving another pregnancy from those 2 craptastic sperm sample are pretty low. Right now, while we still have them, and the follistim that doesn't expire till June in my fridge- I feel like its this making this whole situation feel so open ended. And I almost feel like I need closure. So we are going to use the sperm because we cant just destroy our only chances of ever having another baby. But I have to be prepared for it not to work and feel comfortable closing that chapter. Like forever. Because if it doesn't work, that's it, no more children. We have no more options after that (well we could always try IVF but we just cant justify spending 10K + to do IVF to have another baby when we have already been blessed with 2 beautiful girls).

On the other hand, we also have to be prepared for it TO work. I don't wasn't to walk in blindly and then be shocked and surprised if I get pregnant. I have to be prepared to have 3 kids because could it happen, YES! It could. It does only take one!! And then this is the part where I start to panic a little thinking about how crazy I am to have 3 kids??! 2 is a lot of work. They might eat me alive! But I would welcome it with open arms and of course I WANT it to work. I know everything would fall into place.

So mentally I am preparing myself to have a third child while also simeotamoiusly preparing myself to rest in peace with the fact that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never give birth again, and that I will never know what M's little brother or sister would look like; would they look alike? Would I finally have a child that looks like me for Christs sake!!?! It's a very awkward and difficult place to be in.

But I'm ready. To have some closure on this whole chapter of my life whether that ends with another baby, or another negative pregnancy test. I'm ready to bite the bullet and finally commit to closure. If it is meant to be, and if I am meant to have another baby it will happen. If not, than I am perfectly blessed and forever grateful for the 2 I have. And that's the truth. I believe that now. Whatever is meant to be, is meant to be...

Isn't it Ironic?

That when infertile and trying to HAVE a baby you go on birth control pills??! I mean it is called an oral contraceptive for gods sakes!

Today I was prescribed birth controls pills. So I can have a baby.

Odd right??? Its just so weird to think. All my infertile friends know this, but for those that aren't familiar BC pills are often used when dealing with infertility treatments to help regulate your cycles (so they then can be manipulated), suppress your normal cycle for timing purposes, and/or to help prevent or shrink ovarian cysts. It really works to your favor when trying to have a baby because they can tailor your start/stop time, then introduce drugs to stimulate you to ovulate. It gives you (or your Dr.)control over your cycle and the timing of things rather than waiting on your body to naturally decide when things are done.

So I am sure you are wondering where things stand since last my last update on the infertile front? Well I went in today (CD4) and my cyst had shrunk considerably! It was pretty much gone, and everything else in there looked good. I also got my blood work done, but wont know the results of that for a few days. However, since I am all out of pocket and because I have an amazing RE who is really looking out for me, we decided that it was best that I go on the pill to prevent any further cysts, to help regulate my cycle, and also to avoid another 395.00 dollar ultra sound!!

Normally you would go in on CD 3 before proceeding with any stimulation meds (meds to grow eggs, to then trigger to ovulate) to insure there is no left over cysts because meds just aggravate them and cause them to grow larger. So if you have a cyst, you cant cycle that month. This way by me being on the pill we will KNOW I wont have any cysts, therefore can call in on my CD 1 to get my monitoring schedule and start meds and bypass that CD 3 ultra sound! I swear I love him.

So the plan is to start the pill tonight, call in on my next cycle day 1, then proceed with the same protocol that gave us little M (minus the frozen sperm part). 50 mg of clomid, 75 units of Follistim, then trigger, and IUI. I have to say its going to be SO nice to have a normal 28 day cycle, rather than my typical 35-40 day'ers. I also have to say this all seems so surreal. It doesn't even seem like I am really doing this again. Am I even ready for this?! Holy cow!

Bring on the birth control!

Infertility Testing Update

So you all know I had my repeat HSG last cycle and the plan was to finish up my testing this cycle, then we would be free to pursue treatments anytime after that. Much much MUCH to my surprise I started AF on Sunday morning, making it a 28 day cycle!!!!!!! Which is AMAZING!! That has not happened since I was on the birth control pill years and years ago!!! Happy dance! I am lucky to have a 35 day cycle, so I was very surprised...although it makes since why I have been so evil this last week. Either way, I was happy and who knows maybe this will be a new trend...I sure hope so!

I called in on Sunday to schedule my cycle day 3 testing, which includes a visit with the vag cam (a internal ultra sound), and blood work to check hormone levels. I also scheduled my follow up consult with my RE for 3 weeks from now, as he wanted to see me after I completed my testing but before we start treatments again. Done and done.

I went in today to complete that testing and what do ya know....Momma's rocking a big 30mm cyst on my right ovary! And I paid 765.00 for them to tell me that and that I cant get my b/w done with a cyst. Figures. I hate being out of pocket too, that makes it so mcuh worse! See this is how infertility works unfortunately, and THIS is why it takes months and months to get things done! So I'll have sit out a whole other cycle and go back in on my next CD 3 to check to see if the cyst is gone, and if it is then I can finish up my testing and consult with my RE. So at BEST I cant cycle until April. And that's if the cyst goes away and if my body cooperates.

I am pretty sure it will be gone, this isn't the first time I have have a large cyst. And all the other times I've had one it was resolved by the next cycle thankfully. So we'll see. I'm not too upset because I didn't plan on cycling again until April or May, so it's fine. I actually sort of laughed because Of course I have a cyst...I've been through this all before, so I know how it goes. Still sucks when you are trying to do something or get something done and things beyond your control are stopping you. I just hope this is the only bump in road, because I haven't even really gotten started yet and this is our last shot!

Oh and did I mention that I hate being out of pocket?

HSG Take 2

I know I said just a few posts ago about  how I was going to postpone my HSG and all my other testing until next cycle. but after talking with the nurses at my RE's office I decided to go ahead with the HSG this cycle. (if you want to know what a HSG is, go here).  The reason is that the HSG can only be done between cycle days 6-10 and cant be done during a treatment cycle, and because I only get a period every 6 weeks, it was best to just get this one out of the way.

If you've been reading my blog since the beginning, you know I've already had this test while seeing my RE to TTC Miss Little M. And even though I have already done it already and knew what I was walking into, I was straight trippin this time about it. This test also checks for uterine abnormalities, and since I have had a csection since the last time, it was freaking me out that something (i don't know scar tissue or something?) would make it hurt. The idea that a knife CUT THROUGH MY UTERUS and that his man is about to fill me up with dye was good reason enough to freak, right?

Well once again, it was all that worry for nothing. I lied there and watched the dye effortlessly fill up my uterus, then flow right through my tubes. My ute looked "perfect" and the whole procedure was painless! Minus a little bleeding and some cramping...Thank you sweet baby Jesus!!

So the rest of the testing will commence next cycle (cycle day 3 testing; blood work and a visit with the trusty vag cam!)


Time to get reacquainted this this guy...