Showing posts with label Hail Mary Cycle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hail Mary Cycle. Show all posts
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
12dpiui
Here I am 12dpiui, my usual test date. But not this time! This 2ww is the last 2ww I will ever have. The last time I will ever have a possibility of being pregnant, so I am going to milk it for all its worth. In all honestly, I thought is was going to be really really hard to wait until 14 days past my IUI to test, because usually I am DYING to know by 12 days. This time remains different, because its been easy. Almost too easy. I don't want it to end, I want to stay in my hope bubble.
Reality is though, is that deep down I don't think I'm pregnant. However in some weird way, I still have hope. Hope that it could be possible. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have had NO symptoms at all. None, zero, zilch, nada. Except for low back pain for the last few days, which could easily be from totting around a 25 pound toddler. I went back and through my blog, and found my BFP symptoms post after my successful cycle with M, and they were all typical pregnancy symptoms, none of which I have :(
So here I will stay in my hope bubble until the morning of Thanksgiving. To which I will wake up, POAS, and then regardless of the results, come out and face the world and enjoy my day and all its blessings. Because I really do have SO much to be thankful for.
Reality is though, is that deep down I don't think I'm pregnant. However in some weird way, I still have hope. Hope that it could be possible. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have had NO symptoms at all. None, zero, zilch, nada. Except for low back pain for the last few days, which could easily be from totting around a 25 pound toddler. I went back and through my blog, and found my BFP symptoms post after my successful cycle with M, and they were all typical pregnancy symptoms, none of which I have :(
So here I will stay in my hope bubble until the morning of Thanksgiving. To which I will wake up, POAS, and then regardless of the results, come out and face the world and enjoy my day and all its blessings. Because I really do have SO much to be thankful for.
2 more sleeps!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I Need A Miracle
Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...
Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.
I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.
That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.
I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)
So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.
And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!
Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.
They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.
3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?
And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.
It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.
Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.
Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.
I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.
That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.
I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)
So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.
And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!
Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.
They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.
3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?
And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.
It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.
Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.
Monday, November 7, 2011
CD 10 {Hail Mary Cycle}
I went in for my first monitoring appointment with Mr. Wandy today and this cycle is already turning out to be different. First of all, my right ovary is dead. Once again, I didn't produce any sizable follicles on that side even though we started out with a higher dose in hopes to kick start both ovaries. My RE thinks that's just they way my body is now, and the only way to wake it up would be to give me much higher doses of stims. But with IUI's, that's not really an option with out having a VERY high risk for multiples, so high that that's out of the question. So lefty is just going to have to pull all the weight around here!
I had 3 follies on the left side, a 20mm, a 16mm, and a 15mm. My lining was better than the previous cycles at a 8.5. I cant believe I was pretty much ready to go on CD 10. This is the response that I used to get! These last 2 cycles I was using Bravelle because a dear friend gave it to me (and lets be honest, fertility drugs are MUCHO expensive) and I just wasnt getting great results. Bottom line, what I've learned is that I have a MUCH better response on follistim than I do with Bravelle!
I will do one more 75iu follisitm shot tonight, trigger shot tomorrow night at 11:30pm, and go in for my insemination on Thursday at 9:30 am! Now I just have to keep everything crossed that we have a semi decent sperm count after the thaw on Thursday.
My RE seemed VERY optimistic and thinks I responded beautifully. And for the first time in many cycles, I walked out feeling great. Great about my appointment, great about this cycle, and great about the future!
I had 3 follies on the left side, a 20mm, a 16mm, and a 15mm. My lining was better than the previous cycles at a 8.5. I cant believe I was pretty much ready to go on CD 10. This is the response that I used to get! These last 2 cycles I was using Bravelle because a dear friend gave it to me (and lets be honest, fertility drugs are MUCHO expensive) and I just wasnt getting great results. Bottom line, what I've learned is that I have a MUCH better response on follistim than I do with Bravelle!
I will do one more 75iu follisitm shot tonight, trigger shot tomorrow night at 11:30pm, and go in for my insemination on Thursday at 9:30 am! Now I just have to keep everything crossed that we have a semi decent sperm count after the thaw on Thursday.
My RE seemed VERY optimistic and thinks I responded beautifully. And for the first time in many cycles, I walked out feeling great. Great about my appointment, great about this cycle, and great about the future!
Monday, October 31, 2011
It's Go Time
Today is CD 3 and I had my baseline appointment this morning, my cyst was finally gone so that means I will start injections tonight! Here's the plan (so far) for this cycle; our last attempt to have another child together:
CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!
We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!
I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!
CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!
We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!
I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The Red Witch
A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up, went to the bathroom, then literally was startled to the point where my ass gained some air time when I wiped and saw RED! OMG!
I mean, I knew I would eventually get my period, but since I haven't had a hormone free cycle in 8+ months, and just got off a 2 month birth control stint with a nice big fat hormone inducing cyst, I wasn't expecting her for at least another week or two.
.
So you can see why I was startled! Because this means that (if today is CD 1) I will be going in on Monday for my baseline u/s, and will start shots for our last treatment cycle. And if you've been following along you know I went from going through IUI's, to IVF, and back to IUI's again but if you haven't read the latest, read this.
I mean, I knew I would eventually get my period, but since I haven't had a hormone free cycle in 8+ months, and just got off a 2 month birth control stint with a nice big fat hormone inducing cyst, I wasn't expecting her for at least another week or two.
.
So you can see why I was startled! Because this means that (if today is CD 1) I will be going in on Monday for my baseline u/s, and will start shots for our last treatment cycle. And if you've been following along you know I went from going through IUI's, to IVF, and back to IUI's again but if you haven't read the latest, read this.
HERE WE GO!!!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
CD 9- Am I Crazy?
It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.
Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.
My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.
Now I am seconding guessing my decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.
I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.
We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!
Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.
In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?
Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.
My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.
Now I am seconding guessing my decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.
I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.
We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!
Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.
In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Our Hail Mary Cycle
It's official. We are starting our final treatment cycle. This is it folks! It's our hail mary-please-god-let-it-work-or-we-will-never-have-another-baby cycle. I called into my clinic on Monday (CD 1) only to find out that my RE was on vacation. My plan was to have my CD 3 scan scheduled with my RE so we could also discuss protocol changes. Sort of a two for the price of appointment. Well once I found out he wasn't there, I told the nurse what I had in mind for this next cycle. All injects and NO clomid because of the headaches. It was so bad last cycle that I swore I would NEVER TAKE THAT DRUG AGAIN. I would rather take the shots every single day than deal with those headaches.
She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!
After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.
Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):
CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units
Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.
I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.
I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!
She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!
After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.
Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):
CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units
Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.
I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.
I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!
Monday, July 4, 2011
4th of July IUI
What were my 4th of July plans? To get inseminated that's what! The clinic was bustling this morning, full of patients causing them to be behind by an hour. The wait was worth it because when I walked into the exam room and saw the sticky note that said that my 4 defrosted vials yielded 9.6 mil total motitle count with zero round cells I was ECSTATIC!!! I mean, that is way beyond what I was hoping for. I was shooting for 5 mil, so I am so over the moon happy!! I finally feel like I got some really great news and that we actually have a shot at this! That's a far cry for the 2.4 mil last time, but the nurse did say that some of the vials will have more than others, so we hit the jackpot with one of those 4 vials.
Test date is July 16th!!
Happy 4th Everyone!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Well Thats Something I Never Thought I'd Do
Last night we went to a big firework festival like we do every year. Well the fireworks started at 9:30, its 20 min. away, and traffic is always hell getting out of there so I thought I should bring my trigger shot with me just in case. I needed to take the shot at 10:30, so it was a close call. In the end, I am glad I brought it with me because I had to shoot up in a Circle K bathroom!
Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!
That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!
Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!
That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
CD 11
Today was my first follie check and I was eager to get in because I haven't been feeling much going on in my ovaries. Usually, I feel twinges, fullness, tenderness, and bloating, All signs that something is cooking in there. This cycle, none of that despite the increase to 100mg of clomid and 3 shots of bravelle. So I was really anxious to see what I had going on.
Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.
Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.
I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....
Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...
So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.
I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.
Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.
Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.
I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....
Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...
So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.
I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Holy Headache
WOW. I don't remember having headaches like these the last time I was taking clomid. Last cycle on the 50 mg, about 2 days in I got a headache for 3 days straight. This time, only one dose in on the 100mg and yesterday afternoon it hit me. A RAGING headache! And no matter what I take, I cant get rid of it. It was so bad last night that I thought about calling the RE's office to see if I could just stop taking it. I do not get headaches, so this is out of the ordinary for me. If this wasn't my last cycle, I would never take this drug again! It's evil!! But I am going to suck it up and keep trucking along. All for a good cause. I start my bravelle shots tonight!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Back on The Wagon
The fertility treatment wagon that is! Today is CD 2 and I will start meds tomorrow for our very last cycle. My RE changed my protocol a little this cycle as as result of what happened last cycle.
CD 3-7 100 mg Clomid
CD 5 & 8 a 75 unit shot of Bravelle
Start OPK's on CD 8
First monitoring appointment on CD 11- which is Saturday July 2 and we'll go from there.
If you remember last cycle I started out great, but then things started getting weird and I stalled out mid cycle, Because of this my RE said that he decided to up my clomid. He said it can help the follicles mature later in the cycle, and that's when I started having problems last cycle. He also switched my injection days, to only 5 & 8, not sure why but my RE is very conservative and I think he is scared that I will over produce.
Here's another thing, my actual RE will be out of town while I am cycling this time. I am very nervous about this. He knows my situation and we have very open communication with one another, so if things go array again we will be consulting with another Dr. in the practice. I mean, that's fine but this cycle is critical. It is our LAST SHOT and I just really wish my Dr was there. The nurse said she was going to ask if he will be available by phone in case we need him, and hopefully he will be. It makes me a little nervous, but I know I am still in good hands with the other RE's. One of them I've seen a couple times, he actually did both my HSG's.
You may also notice that I switched from follistim to bravelle. Well that's because the follistim I was using was left over from when I was cycling with M. I've used that up, and because I am all OOP and these meds are very expensive a sweet sweet IF friend of mine donated her left over boxes of bravelle! So a huge THANK YOU to her!! At least I don't have to worry about that expense.
Picking up my meds today and will start popping pills tomorrow night! Bring it on!
CD 3-7 100 mg Clomid
CD 5 & 8 a 75 unit shot of Bravelle
Start OPK's on CD 8
First monitoring appointment on CD 11- which is Saturday July 2 and we'll go from there.
If you remember last cycle I started out great, but then things started getting weird and I stalled out mid cycle, Because of this my RE said that he decided to up my clomid. He said it can help the follicles mature later in the cycle, and that's when I started having problems last cycle. He also switched my injection days, to only 5 & 8, not sure why but my RE is very conservative and I think he is scared that I will over produce.
Here's another thing, my actual RE will be out of town while I am cycling this time. I am very nervous about this. He knows my situation and we have very open communication with one another, so if things go array again we will be consulting with another Dr. in the practice. I mean, that's fine but this cycle is critical. It is our LAST SHOT and I just really wish my Dr was there. The nurse said she was going to ask if he will be available by phone in case we need him, and hopefully he will be. It makes me a little nervous, but I know I am still in good hands with the other RE's. One of them I've seen a couple times, he actually did both my HSG's.
You may also notice that I switched from follistim to bravelle. Well that's because the follistim I was using was left over from when I was cycling with M. I've used that up, and because I am all OOP and these meds are very expensive a sweet sweet IF friend of mine donated her left over boxes of bravelle! So a huge THANK YOU to her!! At least I don't have to worry about that expense.
Picking up my meds today and will start popping pills tomorrow night! Bring it on!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Negative.
Just as I suspected, I am not pregnant. As much as I was prepared to only see one line, there still was that little part of me that was hoping and PRAYING I would get a miracle. That I would be the lucky one that had a successful IUI with only 2.4mil sperm. That I would see 2 glorious pink lines this morning.
But I didn't.
Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.
I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.
But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.
We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.
At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!
But I didn't.
Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.
I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.
But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.
We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.
At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
10dpiui
And no symptoms at all. Not one. No sore boobs, not a twinge of a cramp, nothing. I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant. I told my DH yesterday that there was no way I was pregnant. His response was 'well things can happen at different times and you may not have the same symptoms as before'. I know, I know but I feel like especially because I have been pregnant twice before I would know if something was going on. Maybe not, but that's where I'm at.
And I know EXACTLY how I gained so much weight while trying to have baby M. Progesterone is the devil. I CAN NOT get full. Seriously, I will eat a meal and then 30 min. could eat another meal. Its bad. When I did get pg with M and had to stay on it for 12 weeks, I gained 12 pounds! IN THE FIRST TRI! Hello your baby is the size of a pea there is no reason to gain that kind of weight! Once I stopped it, the weight gained stopped too. It's amazing! I'm still fighting the battle though and going to the gym everyday even though my diet has been in the shitter.
2 more days until testing!!
And I know EXACTLY how I gained so much weight while trying to have baby M. Progesterone is the devil. I CAN NOT get full. Seriously, I will eat a meal and then 30 min. could eat another meal. Its bad. When I did get pg with M and had to stay on it for 12 weeks, I gained 12 pounds! IN THE FIRST TRI! Hello your baby is the size of a pea there is no reason to gain that kind of weight! Once I stopped it, the weight gained stopped too. It's amazing! I'm still fighting the battle though and going to the gym everyday even though my diet has been in the shitter.
2 more days until testing!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
6dpiui
Good lord could this 2ww go by ANY slower? I have to admit though as much as I WANT this to work, I really don't think this is it. I would love nothing more than to wake up next Thursday to 2 nice big fat pink lines, but lets face it chances are I will be seeing a lonely single line. I keep telling myself every time I muster up a little hope and think "maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones" I stop myself and say "c'mon Lisa, do you really think your gonna pee on a stick in a week and see 'Pregnant'? Get real!" Its sort of abusive really, but its the only way I can try to brace myself for a BFN. Not get my hopes up. Its an evil vicious cycle.
It's safe to say that the side effects from the progesterone are kicking in. The last 2 days I have been so drained and exhausted!
Symptom check: None yet. But it's still early, so if a did get blessed with a miracle little baby P would just now be implanting so I don't expect much yet.
This is going to be the longest 2ww EVER!
It's safe to say that the side effects from the progesterone are kicking in. The last 2 days I have been so drained and exhausted!
Symptom check: None yet. But it's still early, so if a did get blessed with a miracle little baby P would just now be implanting so I don't expect much yet.
This is going to be the longest 2ww EVER!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
CD 18: IUI Day
Today was the big day. Boy I though this day would never come, it was rough ride getting here but I made it! I woke up super early today, I guess it was the nerves. I wasn't nervous about the IUI itself, they are pretty simple but I was super worried about the sperm and how it would thaw, how much we would get, etc.
We defrosted 3 of the 12 vials we have and ended up with only 2.4 mil. total motile sperm for today's IUI. They really like more than 5 mil. for IUI's, but that's what we got. I had 3 mature follies on the left side, so hopefully ONE of those sperm meets ONE of those eggs. Its completely out of my hand and into gods.
I realize that these numbers could be much worse, but I was really hoping for 5-7 mil. I want to have hope, but lets face it the odds are against us. However, it only takes one:::::it only takes one:::::::it only takes one:::::: I have to keep telling myself that.
Bring on the 2ww! My test date is May 28th, but I will probably test on the 26th or 12dpiui. That's when I got my BFP last time, so I feel pretty secure testing on that date. I never ever test sooner than that, so here's to hoping the next 12 days fly by!
We defrosted 3 of the 12 vials we have and ended up with only 2.4 mil. total motile sperm for today's IUI. They really like more than 5 mil. for IUI's, but that's what we got. I had 3 mature follies on the left side, so hopefully ONE of those sperm meets ONE of those eggs. Its completely out of my hand and into gods.
I realize that these numbers could be much worse, but I was really hoping for 5-7 mil. I want to have hope, but lets face it the odds are against us. However, it only takes one:::::it only takes one:::::::it only takes one:::::: I have to keep telling myself that.
Bring on the 2ww! My test date is May 28th, but I will probably test on the 26th or 12dpiui. That's when I got my BFP last time, so I feel pretty secure testing on that date. I never ever test sooner than that, so here's to hoping the next 12 days fly by!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
CD 15
I have to start out by saying that I truly love my RE's office and the staff there. It is all the same staff from the last time I cycled, so I have gotten a chance to really "know" a lot of them and vise vera through the years. My Dr. is amazing and really trying his best to accommodate my OOPness, and they are all just rooting for me. Today they gave me a bag of 8 boxes of Crinone to try and save me a little money and 2 of the nurses were fighting for which one was going to get to do my IUI. I just love all of them! And in case you were wondering about the IUI...well this thing is just dragging on and on...but I've spent so much time and money already that there is no point in stopping now.
Today's daily vag cam visit showed 3 on the left still at 18, 17, and 15 with a few smaller ones. Still nothing considerable on the right. And my OPK was still negative today. So they did grow. A little. I knew I should have done a 75 shot yesterday instead of a 50. Me and the Dr went back and forth a little bit about it, but he was still worried because of my age and the fact that I could potentially have too many, so 50 it was even though I was pushing for 75. Well I was right. And I made sure to tell him that today ; )
And just because things cant possibly go the way expected to now (we all thought I would defiantly trigger today), I'm not. Instead I did another shot of Bravelle. 75 units this time. Because sometimes a woman just knows best!
BUT
I can at least say that I am on the books now! I will trigger tomorrow night at 10:30 pm and am scheduled for an IUI on Saturday morning at 8:30 am. There is no reason for me to come in again tomorrow, because even if they don't grow at all (which shouldn't be the case, they should at least grow another 1mm) that 18, 17 and maybe even the 15 should each have a viable mature egg. We are just pushing for a little closer to the "ideal" 20mm.
Me and the RE also had a pretty heart to heart conversation about what he would do if he were in this position, and he thinks because this cycle has gone so array that we should only thaw a MAXIMUM of 3 vials, no matter what the counts and save the rest for a more textbook cycle. I agree, although don't get me wrong this could still result in a pregnancy and he made me very aware of that! I should have 2-3 mature eggs, and although they are all on one side, it is still very possible! I don't have too much hope and would feel better if there were targets on each side, but it is what it is at this point and it is completely out of my hands and into gods.
So now I just PRAY that I don't get a + OPK tomorrow, because if I do my IUI will be pushed to Friday. The 13th. I would just much rather have immaculate timing than surge on my own.
Today's daily vag cam visit showed 3 on the left still at 18, 17, and 15 with a few smaller ones. Still nothing considerable on the right. And my OPK was still negative today. So they did grow. A little. I knew I should have done a 75 shot yesterday instead of a 50. Me and the Dr went back and forth a little bit about it, but he was still worried because of my age and the fact that I could potentially have too many, so 50 it was even though I was pushing for 75. Well I was right. And I made sure to tell him that today ; )
And just because things cant possibly go the way expected to now (we all thought I would defiantly trigger today), I'm not. Instead I did another shot of Bravelle. 75 units this time. Because sometimes a woman just knows best!
BUT
I can at least say that I am on the books now! I will trigger tomorrow night at 10:30 pm and am scheduled for an IUI on Saturday morning at 8:30 am. There is no reason for me to come in again tomorrow, because even if they don't grow at all (which shouldn't be the case, they should at least grow another 1mm) that 18, 17 and maybe even the 15 should each have a viable mature egg. We are just pushing for a little closer to the "ideal" 20mm.
Me and the RE also had a pretty heart to heart conversation about what he would do if he were in this position, and he thinks because this cycle has gone so array that we should only thaw a MAXIMUM of 3 vials, no matter what the counts and save the rest for a more textbook cycle. I agree, although don't get me wrong this could still result in a pregnancy and he made me very aware of that! I should have 2-3 mature eggs, and although they are all on one side, it is still very possible! I don't have too much hope and would feel better if there were targets on each side, but it is what it is at this point and it is completely out of my hands and into gods.
So now I just PRAY that I don't get a + OPK tomorrow, because if I do my IUI will be pushed to Friday. The 13th. I would just much rather have immaculate timing than surge on my own.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
CD 14
Annnnnd the saga continues folks. I keep hoping that every time I post an update here that I will have a definite answer of what is going with my cycle, but once again my body has its own ideas. Even my Dr. thinks this whole thing is pretty bizarre! I went in today and low and behold my ovaries look EXACTLY like they did on Sunday! I have a 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, and an 11 on the left side. And only 2 other little guys on the right (10 and 13). Is that bad to have all of them on one side?? That's pretty much how things were looking on Sunday, then I apparently stalled out a little for the last 2 days and now back to where they were. Freaky Freaky! So the extra little shot yesterday must have given them the memo that this isn't over yet.
However, I am still not ready. My RE thought that I should do another shot today and *hopefully* I'll be ready for trigger tomorrow for an IUI on Friday. But because I had already used all of my 300 unit cartridge with this cycle already and he didn't want me busting into a whole new one, he called in a 75 unit vial of Bravelle upstairs to the pharmacy. So I ran upstairs, paid the 55.00 bucks, came back down stairs, mixed the meds and gave myself a shot right there on the spot. Done and Done.
He said I didn't have to come back tomorrow, remember I am all OOP and paying $290 a pop here so he is trying to be mindful of that, which I do appreciate. He said that I could just go ahead and trigger tomorrow night. We discussed this and I told him that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about that. What I have learned over the last 6 days is that I can no longer trust my body to do what it should do. Theoretically, they should have continued to grow over these last couple days. Not stop. And yes, they should grow and be ready tomorrow but after all this, I am not sure that's what will happen. I am just not willing to take ANY chances here and would rather shell out the extra $$ than waste my only shot at ever having another baby. I just cant.
So I'll be shelping my ass back to the RE's office tomorrow once again, for the 4th day in a row and my 5th so far this cycle for another u/s. I really don't mind it, except the money part. Either way, we decided that since this has gotten so crazy that if for any reason I am not ready tomorrow- we are just going to cancel, scrap this cycle, and start over. So much has happened already, that if I am not ready tomorrow I am not prepared to continue on under these weirdo circumstance.
Also, before I forget we all had a suedo meeting while I was there. Myself, my RE, and the sperm guy. I feel bad calling him that, but I don't know what his official job title is. I just wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page as to what we are dealing with and what exactly will go down Friday, if that is IUI day. Sperm guy says he will start with defrosting 2 vials first, then add a 3rd and so on until we hit 5 mil. or above. What he told me next had me spinning into a full blown panic attack. He said that the sperm has not been washed or prepped! WHATS THAT YOU SAY SPERM GUY??!! My jaw literally hit the floor and stayed there for at least 30 seconds. That means there will be even less in each vial after they spin/wash it. I was under the impression that this was all done at collection time and these numbers were post wash, etc.
I don't know guys, I just really beaten up here about this whole thing. I sure hope all this isn't a sign...
However, I am still not ready. My RE thought that I should do another shot today and *hopefully* I'll be ready for trigger tomorrow for an IUI on Friday. But because I had already used all of my 300 unit cartridge with this cycle already and he didn't want me busting into a whole new one, he called in a 75 unit vial of Bravelle upstairs to the pharmacy. So I ran upstairs, paid the 55.00 bucks, came back down stairs, mixed the meds and gave myself a shot right there on the spot. Done and Done.
He said I didn't have to come back tomorrow, remember I am all OOP and paying $290 a pop here so he is trying to be mindful of that, which I do appreciate. He said that I could just go ahead and trigger tomorrow night. We discussed this and I told him that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about that. What I have learned over the last 6 days is that I can no longer trust my body to do what it should do. Theoretically, they should have continued to grow over these last couple days. Not stop. And yes, they should grow and be ready tomorrow but after all this, I am not sure that's what will happen. I am just not willing to take ANY chances here and would rather shell out the extra $$ than waste my only shot at ever having another baby. I just cant.
So I'll be shelping my ass back to the RE's office tomorrow once again, for the 4th day in a row and my 5th so far this cycle for another u/s. I really don't mind it, except the money part. Either way, we decided that since this has gotten so crazy that if for any reason I am not ready tomorrow- we are just going to cancel, scrap this cycle, and start over. So much has happened already, that if I am not ready tomorrow I am not prepared to continue on under these weirdo circumstance.
Also, before I forget we all had a suedo meeting while I was there. Myself, my RE, and the sperm guy. I feel bad calling him that, but I don't know what his official job title is. I just wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page as to what we are dealing with and what exactly will go down Friday, if that is IUI day. Sperm guy says he will start with defrosting 2 vials first, then add a 3rd and so on until we hit 5 mil. or above. What he told me next had me spinning into a full blown panic attack. He said that the sperm has not been washed or prepped! WHATS THAT YOU SAY SPERM GUY??!! My jaw literally hit the floor and stayed there for at least 30 seconds. That means there will be even less in each vial after they spin/wash it. I was under the impression that this was all done at collection time and these numbers were post wash, etc.
I don't know guys, I just really beaten up here about this whole thing. I sure hope all this isn't a sign...
Monday, May 9, 2011
CD 13
Just when I thought things couldn't get ANY weirder with this cycle and my body, they did. Once again, I walked in to meet my fate with the vag cam expecting answers and a conclusion to this mess and walked out with even more questions and even more confused than ever.
My Doc placed the vag cam in, and started with the left first (my rock star side). Well you know how yesterday there was 17 and a 16's and some 14's on that side? Well now there is NO 17, but a 16, a few 15's, and then a few more trailing along at 13. U/S showed NO growth. WTF?!! I am completely and utterly clueless as to what is going on here. At first he thought well maybe I ovulated on my own already? But I have not gotten a + OPK as of yet. Although I did have to take it earlier yesterday and today because of my appointments.
He moved over to the right side and I have a few on that side still, but they are all SMALL (like 10-12)!!!! He thinks that maybe we need to "keep feeding them" for them to continue to grow?? So I am instructed to give myself a 50 unit shot and come back tomorrow. I really don't know what to think at this point. We are both kind of at a loss to what is going on. But I guess the body works in mysterious way and this is showing us just how unpredictable it and infertility can be.
I decided that from now on I am leaving my expectations of whats going to happen with this cycle at the door, because here I went from on the verge of being cancelled for having TOO many to basically flat lining in the last couple days.
The only thing I can do now is trust my Dr. and hope that my body is just keeping us on our toes a little. Because like Thomas Jefferson said anything worth having is worth fighting for......
My Doc placed the vag cam in, and started with the left first (my rock star side). Well you know how yesterday there was 17 and a 16's and some 14's on that side? Well now there is NO 17, but a 16, a few 15's, and then a few more trailing along at 13. U/S showed NO growth. WTF?!! I am completely and utterly clueless as to what is going on here. At first he thought well maybe I ovulated on my own already? But I have not gotten a + OPK as of yet. Although I did have to take it earlier yesterday and today because of my appointments.
He moved over to the right side and I have a few on that side still, but they are all SMALL (like 10-12)!!!! He thinks that maybe we need to "keep feeding them" for them to continue to grow?? So I am instructed to give myself a 50 unit shot and come back tomorrow. I really don't know what to think at this point. We are both kind of at a loss to what is going on. But I guess the body works in mysterious way and this is showing us just how unpredictable it and infertility can be.
I decided that from now on I am leaving my expectations of whats going to happen with this cycle at the door, because here I went from on the verge of being cancelled for having TOO many to basically flat lining in the last couple days.
The only thing I can do now is trust my Dr. and hope that my body is just keeping us on our toes a little. Because like Thomas Jefferson said anything worth having is worth fighting for......
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