Realizations

A few days ago, I woke up contemplating this whole TTC baby number 3 thing. It was weird because over these last 2 cycles, knowing I was on a forced break, I haven't even thought about TTC. It would be like wasted energy right now, so I just tucked it away knowing that I would face it all again soon- just not right now. I popped my birth control pills nightly, and it hasn't crossed my mind. So waking up this particular morning with all these thoughts and feelings was just weird. I hadn't dreamed about it, or talked about it, but it was the FIRST thing that hit my mind when my eyes opened that particular morning.

I suddenly was contemplating why and if I should just stick to the original plan with this whole thing, which was to use the 2 frozen sperm samples with IUI's no matter if it were 1 attempt, or 3, and if it worked then it was meant to be and if not that was it. No more children.

But see, as I got closer and closer to the end of my rope I panicked. Pure and utter panic on the inside. Knowing that I would never be a mother again, knowing that I would never feel my baby kick inside me, knowing I would never make another bottle, or hold another baby to sleep. Knowing in fact, the option to grow my family was no longer an option.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time the other part of my brain is SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for allowing me to even experience this once, let alone twice, knowing how lucky I am to have TWO beautiful children and wondering if and why I cant just be happy with my family of four. So I don't want anyone to think "Oh poor you who are you to whine? You have two kids and I'm still trying to have one, you've had your turn SO GET OVER IT". Because honestly, I probably would think the same thing.

On the other hand, no one can tell you when your family is complete, and not to scare the infertiles who are still TTC and read my blog (if there are any) just because you've had a successful pregnancy and a baby doesn't make ANY of those infertile feelings go away. Especially if you do want another.

Back to the other morning....

I woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee, and grabbed my phone. Twitter has become such an amazing place for support for me. There, I have had a chance to bond with other IF woman, secondary IF woman, others moms and it really has been amazing place to have. I posted that morning:

Woke up this morning feeling very conflicted about our whole TTC #3 plan. Feeling like maybe we should have just stuck to the original plan...


Which was to use our 2 samples of frozen sperm for IUIs and if it worked, then it was meant to be. If not, then that was it...


I got so close to the end of the rope w/ our last IUI that I panicked. RE told me that w/ our sperm if we really wanted success IVF was best...


But now I'm starting to wonder if I should just stick to the original plan. We have 5 (although crappy) vials left. Enough for 1 more IUI...

I'm just so conflicted with it all...I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is...

And one of my dear twitter friends who just went through her 3rd IVF that ended up in a miscarriage replied to me and said:

"There is no right- all you can do is make a decision and go with it. Once you've decided, don't go back and do the "what ifs" Good luck!"

All day that comment resonated with me. All day. She was right. And I m the QUEEN of what ifs when it comes to dealing with my own infertility. Her comment made me realized that I had made these decisions, but because of fear and "what ifs" I constantly changed my plan of action. And there will always be what ifs...always.

For 2 days I thought about this and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Why would I take 10k when I have a family to try and have another baby? I could put that money towards my girls college fund. Why didn't I just stick with the plan? (Although we've figured that out now) And look at what I've drug my poor husband though.

And suddenly I knew what the answer was. I need to stick with the original plan. No matter how scary, or uncertain it is. It's the best decision for my family. Maybe I needed more time to think, or maybe it took me getting to that point to realize I would be okay if this was it. Because that's also something that I've realized. I will be okay if I don't have another baby. I will find a way to move on, because I will have to. And I am finally okay with that.

I had made all this up before talking to my husband. So as we were driving in the car a few days later and I looked at him and said "Honey, I have been thinking about this whole baby thing" he nodded his head like okay here we go again and I said "And I am starting to wonder if we (or I) should have just stuck to the original plan" HIS EYE BALLS ALMOST POPPED OUT OF HIS HEAD. He was shocked that I had taken such a step back. He agreed, as he always had, that the original plan was best.

I ended the conversation with this... "Okay, we will do the final IUI, but if I end up with triplets its all your fault"! : )