Tuesday, September 27, 2011


A few days ago, I woke up contemplating this whole TTC baby number 3 thing. It was weird because over these last 2 cycles, knowing I was on a forced break, I haven't even thought about TTC. It would be like wasted energy right now, so I just tucked it away knowing that I would face it all again soon- just not right now. I popped my birth control pills nightly, and it hasn't crossed my mind. So waking up this particular morning with all these thoughts and feelings was just weird. I hadn't dreamed about it, or talked about it, but it was the FIRST thing that hit my mind when my eyes opened that particular morning.

I suddenly was contemplating why and if I should just stick to the original plan with this whole thing, which was to use the 2 frozen sperm samples with IUI's no matter if it were 1 attempt, or 3, and if it worked then it was meant to be and if not that was it. No more children.

But see, as I got closer and closer to the end of my rope I panicked. Pure and utter panic on the inside. Knowing that I would never be a mother again, knowing that I would never feel my baby kick inside me, knowing I would never make another bottle, or hold another baby to sleep. Knowing in fact, the option to grow my family was no longer an option.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time the other part of my brain is SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for allowing me to even experience this once, let alone twice, knowing how lucky I am to have TWO beautiful children and wondering if and why I cant just be happy with my family of four. So I don't want anyone to think "Oh poor you who are you to whine? You have two kids and I'm still trying to have one, you've had your turn SO GET OVER IT". Because honestly, I probably would think the same thing.

On the other hand, no one can tell you when your family is complete, and not to scare the infertiles who are still TTC and read my blog (if there are any) just because you've had a successful pregnancy and a baby doesn't make ANY of those infertile feelings go away. Especially if you do want another.

Back to the other morning....

I woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee, and grabbed my phone. Twitter has become such an amazing place for support for me. There, I have had a chance to bond with other IF woman, secondary IF woman, others moms and it really has been amazing place to have. I posted that morning:

Woke up this morning feeling very conflicted about our whole TTC #3 plan. Feeling like maybe we should have just stuck to the original plan...

Which was to use our 2 samples of frozen sperm for IUIs and if it worked, then it was meant to be. If not, then that was it...

I got so close to the end of the rope w/ our last IUI that I panicked. RE told me that w/ our sperm if we really wanted success IVF was best...

But now I'm starting to wonder if I should just stick to the original plan. We have 5 (although crappy) vials left. Enough for 1 more IUI...

I'm just so conflicted with it all...I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is...

And one of my dear twitter friends who just went through her 3rd IVF that ended up in a miscarriage replied to me and said:

"There is no right- all you can do is make a decision and go with it. Once you've decided, don't go back and do the "what ifs" Good luck!"

All day that comment resonated with me. All day. She was right. And I m the QUEEN of what ifs when it comes to dealing with my own infertility. Her comment made me realized that I had made these decisions, but because of fear and "what ifs" I constantly changed my plan of action. And there will always be what ifs...always.

For 2 days I thought about this and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Why would I take 10k when I have a family to try and have another baby? I could put that money towards my girls college fund. Why didn't I just stick with the plan? (Although we've figured that out now) And look at what I've drug my poor husband though.

And suddenly I knew what the answer was. I need to stick with the original plan. No matter how scary, or uncertain it is. It's the best decision for my family. Maybe I needed more time to think, or maybe it took me getting to that point to realize I would be okay if this was it. Because that's also something that I've realized. I will be okay if I don't have another baby. I will find a way to move on, because I will have to. And I am finally okay with that.

I had made all this up before talking to my husband. So as we were driving in the car a few days later and I looked at him and said "Honey, I have been thinking about this whole baby thing" he nodded his head like okay here we go again and I said "And I am starting to wonder if we (or I) should have just stuck to the original plan" HIS EYE BALLS ALMOST POPPED OUT OF HIS HEAD. He was shocked that I had taken such a step back. He agreed, as he always had, that the original plan was best.

I ended the conversation with this... "Okay, we will do the final IUI, but if I end up with triplets its all your fault"! : )  

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

School Days

If you've been reading my blog a while, you'll know that we've had a in home nanny coming to our house 2 days per week since M was about 4 months old. It was a dream come true. Nanny would come, take M out in the morning, pick K up from school, shuffle her to where ever she needed if go, and I could get some work done. I didn't need or want to have to put my itty bitty baby in day care (no offense to day care moms), but I was drowning in work. I just needed someone with experience to come and help out with M so I could get some work done. I found a great nanny with 22 years experience, it was the perfect set up for us and she has truly become part of the family.

Fast forward to now. I have a very energetic toddler who is learning, growing, and needs constant stimulation. Her needs have now changed. She no longer just needs a loving hand to feed her her bottles, rock or soothe her. She needs friends and a learning environment to help her thrive and grow and continue to give her the stimulation and interaction she needs right now.

Over the last month or two I have been touring preschools in our area, and let nanny know what my plans were, and although she will be greatly missed, this is whats best for M right now. And it is my job as her mother to make sure she is getting what she needs.

 Last week, I found the most perfect school for her. I knew as SOON as I walked in that this was the place for her. They were signing, have a very low child to teacher ratio, all the teachers have degrees in early eduction or similar and it was just amazing!

So October 10th my little Miss M will be starting "school". She will continue on the same schedule, 2 full time days per week, which is so nice. I am SO SO SO excited for her because I know she is just going to love it, and it's going to be so good for her and good for her speech (which has really exploded lately, finally)! She didn't want to leave when we went for our tour. She hugged and was trying to kiss the school director. My little sweet pea. She's growing up TOO fast.

And you just wait until you see this......

UMMMMM yeah, that would be MY 2ND GRADERS school photo!!! When did my 7 year old turn into a 25 year old news anchor??!! Can someone please tell me that??! Because to me, she's still my little baby and its crazy to see her like that.

Kay is doing amazing in 2nd grade!! She's reading huge chapter books (or teenage books as my mom likes to call it), loves math (its her favorite), is such a great student, and is still the same social butterfly she has always been. She gets 2-3 phone calls per week for play dates from different kids in her class. Lets just put it this way, she has WAY more of a social life than I do! WAY more! She amazes me everyday!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My Poor Neglected Blog

I cant believe its been a month since I've updated my blog. This time of year in general is just so busy for us, and we've had a few unexpected curve balls in life which has left me little time to blog. Plus M has been VERY demanding of my time and wont let me spend any time on the computer, much less do anything else besides cater to her :). I'm lucky to check my email every few days, so yeah its been like that! Then now that K has been back in school, she's busy with homework, activities and play dates. Plus you know I am on the board of the PTO at her school. All of this = no time for blogging. I have been popping on every now and then to check on some of your blogs....Those of you who are expecting, those TTC, and those living the dream :)  and although I haven't had time to comment I've been thinking of you all!

Here's a quick run down of some highlights from the last month:

M was baptised! It was a beautiful day and she did great. I was worried because shes a busy toddler who's favorite words are NO, STOP, and MINE. To quote Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey "She's sweet, but just don't cross her" ; ) Don't you love that show??! Best season yet!

K top front teeth are both LOOSE! She should be toothless in no time! Cant wait to see her like that, I'm sure its going to be weird!

M got all 4 incisors in the last 4 weeks...which is another reason why you haven't seen me. This brings her grand total to 16 teeth. How many damn teeth do you have? Momma cant handle much more! She also peed on the potty for the first time!!! Although we are far from really potty training, it was so exciting.

I developed HUGE cyst after that last round of fertility treatments (my largest ever) measuring 60x60mm and was put on the pill to shrink it. After a month of bc pills, it was still 30mm last week so I am starting another pill pack today. So I m officially on a forced break. Stupid cyst! I was actually really looking forward to have a natural cycle this month with all my body has been through these last 6 months, so hopefully next month I will be hormone FREE! But TTC is on hold for now..

Ive been working a lot more, and moved my "office" here at home to our actual office so that has limited my internet time even more. Also, I've been dealing with a lot personally with the whole TTC thing (or lack thereof) and the future of our business, and so many other things. It has caused  my anxiety to increase greatly. I actually started Effex.or 2 weeks ago to help me get through these hard times, so I am hoping that will help. Anyone take it? Success? I go through phases in life where my anxiety will be worse than others, and its just one of those cycles I guess with all these stressful things going on.

And last but not least, we added a new addition to our family!! We got a new furbaby!! We adopted a 10 week old baby kitten and her name is Sweetie. K had an instant connection with her at the shelter and she has been the perfect addition to our family. She really is the perfect little cat with the best personality...not too crazy, not too shy, shes perfect! I figure if I cant have a real baby, a new furbaby is the next best thing :) We LOVE her and the girls are over the moon!