Not Pregnant

12dpiui

Here I am 12dpiui, my usual test date. But not this time! This 2ww is the last 2ww I will ever have. The last time I will ever have a possibility of being pregnant, so I am going to milk it for all its worth. In all honestly, I thought is was going to be really really hard to wait until 14 days past my IUI to test, because usually I am DYING to know by 12 days. This time remains different, because its been easy. Almost too easy. I don't want it to end, I want to stay in my hope bubble.

Reality is though, is that deep down I don't think I'm pregnant. However in some weird way, I still have hope. Hope that it could be possible. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have had NO symptoms at all. None, zero, zilch, nada. Except for low back pain for the last few days, which could easily be from totting around a 25 pound toddler. I went back and through my blog, and found my BFP symptoms post after my successful cycle with M, and they were all typical pregnancy symptoms, none of which I have :(

So here I will stay in my hope bubble until the morning of Thanksgiving. To which I will wake up, POAS, and then regardless of the results, come out and face the world and enjoy my day and all its blessings. Because I really do have SO much to be thankful for.

2 more sleeps!

2ww Turmoil

Today I am 6dpiui and doing fine, but the days leading up to this point have not been so great. And just like how everything about the beginning of this cycle has been different, so has this 2ww....

I started spotting at 2dpiui, and spotted pink, red, brown, and everything in between on and off until 4dpiui. That has NEVER happened to me. I have had 6 IUI's, 2 HSG's, 2 Saline Sono's, and never once spotted after any of those procedures. I have even joked in the past that my cervix is made of steel. So this was driving me completely batty. BUT I did have sex that day, so I chalked it up to my cervix being irritated from the IUI and my husband having moves like Jagger.

Now that that drama has finally commenced, we've moved onto happier times. Surprisingly, this 2ww is actually flying by! I started progesterone on 3dpiui, and although I haven't experienced any real symptoms yet, I *think* I had some mild cramping on and off on 4dpiui. Which is a great sign in my book. The cycle I got pregnant with M, I had mild AF type cramps from 4-7dpiui. 

And just to leave you all on the edge of your seats a little longer, I've decided not to test on my usual 12dpiui this cycle, but rather wait until 14dpiui (on Thanksgiving) to test. This is the last time I will ever get to hope that I could be pregnant, so I want to hang onto that and stay in my hope bubble as long as possible.

Breathe Lisa breathe....

I Need A Miracle

Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...

Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.

I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.

That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.

I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)

So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.

And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!

Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just  in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.

They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.

3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?

And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.

It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.

Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.

CD 10 {Hail Mary Cycle}

I went in for my first monitoring appointment with Mr. Wandy today and this cycle is already turning out to be different. First of all, my right ovary is dead. Once again, I didn't produce any sizable follicles on that side even though we started out with a higher dose in hopes to kick start both ovaries. My RE thinks that's just they way my body is now, and the only way to wake it up would be to give me much higher doses of stims. But with IUI's, that's not really an option with out having a VERY high risk for multiples, so high that that's out of the question. So lefty is just going to have to pull all the weight around here!

I had 3 follies on the left side, a 20mm, a 16mm, and a 15mm. My lining was better than the previous cycles at a 8.5. I cant believe I was pretty much ready to go on CD 10. This is the response that I used to get! These last 2 cycles I was using Bravelle because a dear friend gave it to me (and lets be honest, fertility drugs are MUCHO expensive) and I just wasnt getting great results. Bottom line, what I've learned is that I have a MUCH better response on follistim than I do with Bravelle!

I will do one more 75iu follisitm shot tonight, trigger shot tomorrow night at 11:30pm, and go in for my insemination on Thursday at 9:30 am! Now I just have to keep everything crossed that we have a semi decent sperm count after the thaw on Thursday.

My RE seemed VERY optimistic and thinks I responded beautifully. And for the first time in many cycles, I walked out feeling great. Great about my appointment, great about this cycle, and great about the future!

It's Go Time

Today is CD 3 and I had my baseline appointment this morning, my cyst was finally gone so that means I will start injections tonight! Here's the plan (so far) for this cycle; our last attempt to have another child together:

CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!

We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!

I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!

Our Hail Mary Cycle

It's official. We are starting our final treatment cycle. This is it folks! It's our hail mary-please-god-let-it-work-or-we-will-never-have-another-baby cycle. I called into my clinic on Monday (CD 1) only to find out that my RE was on vacation. My plan was to have my CD 3 scan scheduled with my RE so we could also discuss protocol changes. Sort of a two for the price of appointment. Well once I found out he wasn't there, I told the nurse what I had in mind for this next cycle. All injects and NO clomid because of the headaches. It was so bad last cycle that I swore I would NEVER TAKE THAT DRUG AGAIN. I would rather take the shots every single day than deal with those headaches.

She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!

After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.

Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):

CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units

Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.

I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.

I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!

The Results

This mornings test was Negative.

I am Not Pregnant.

At least I can still keep my Monday morning Botox appointment (trying really hard to find a positive). Sigh.

4th of July IUI

What were my 4th of July plans? To get inseminated that's what! The clinic was bustling this morning, full of patients causing them to be behind by an hour. The wait was worth it because when I walked into the exam room and saw the sticky note that said that my 4 defrosted vials yielded 9.6 mil total motitle count with zero round cells I was ECSTATIC!!! I mean, that is way beyond what I was hoping for. I was shooting for 5 mil, so I am so over the moon happy!! I finally feel like I got some really great news and that we actually have a shot at this! That's a far cry for the 2.4 mil last time, but the nurse did say that some of the vials will have more than others, so we hit the jackpot with one of those 4 vials.

Test date is July 16th!!

Happy 4th Everyone!!

Well Thats Something I Never Thought I'd Do

Last night we went to a big firework festival like we do every year. Well the fireworks started at 9:30, its 20 min. away, and traffic is always hell getting out of there so I thought I should bring my trigger shot with me just in case. I needed to take the shot at 10:30, so it was a close call. In the end, I am glad I brought it with me because I had to shoot up in a Circle K bathroom!

Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!

That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!

CD 11

Today was my first follie check and I was eager to get in because I haven't been feeling much going on in my ovaries. Usually, I feel twinges, fullness, tenderness, and bloating, All signs that something is cooking in there. This cycle, none of that despite the increase to 100mg of clomid and 3 shots of bravelle. So I was really anxious to see what I had going on.

Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.

Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.

I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....

Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...

So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.

I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.

Back on The Wagon

The fertility treatment wagon that is! Today is CD 2 and I will start meds tomorrow for our very last cycle. My RE changed my protocol a little this cycle as as result of what happened last cycle.

CD 3-7 100 mg Clomid

CD 5 & 8 a 75 unit shot of Bravelle

Start OPK's on CD 8

First monitoring appointment on CD 11- which is Saturday July 2 and we'll go from there.

If you remember last cycle I started out great, but then things started getting weird and I stalled out mid cycle, Because of this my RE said that he decided to up my clomid. He said it can help the follicles mature later in the cycle, and that's when I started having problems last cycle. He also switched my injection days, to only 5 & 8, not sure why but my RE is very conservative and I think he is scared that I will over produce.

Here's another thing, my actual RE will be out of town while I am cycling this time. I am very nervous about this. He knows my situation and we have very open communication with one another, so if things go array again we will be consulting with another Dr. in the practice. I mean, that's fine but this cycle is critical. It is our LAST SHOT and I just really wish my Dr was there. The nurse said she was going to ask if he will be available by phone in case we need him, and hopefully he will be. It makes me a little nervous, but I know I am still in good hands with the other RE's. One of them I've seen a couple times, he actually did both my HSG's.

You may also notice that I switched from follistim to bravelle. Well that's because the follistim I was using was left over from when I was cycling with M. I've used that up, and because I am all OOP and these meds are very expensive a sweet sweet IF friend of mine donated her left over boxes of bravelle! So a huge THANK YOU to her!! At least I don't have to worry about that expense.

Picking up my meds today and will start popping pills tomorrow night! Bring it on!

6dpiui

Good lord could this 2ww go by ANY slower? I have to admit though as much as I WANT this to work, I really don't think this is it. I would love nothing more than to wake up next Thursday to 2 nice big fat pink lines, but lets face it chances are I will be seeing a lonely single line. I keep telling myself every time I muster up a little hope and think "maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones" I stop myself and say "c'mon Lisa, do you really think your gonna pee on a stick in a week and see 'Pregnant'? Get real!" Its sort of abusive really, but its the only way I can try to brace myself for a BFN. Not get my hopes up. Its an evil vicious cycle.

It's safe to say that the side effects from the progesterone are kicking in. The last 2 days I have been so drained and exhausted!

Symptom check: None yet. But it's still early, so if a did get blessed with a miracle little baby P would just now be implanting so I don't expect much yet.

This is going to be the longest 2ww EVER!

CD 18: IUI Day

Today was the big day. Boy I though this day would never come, it was rough ride getting here but I made it! I woke up super early today, I guess it was the nerves. I wasn't nervous about the IUI itself, they are pretty simple but I was super worried about the sperm and how it would thaw, how much we would get, etc.

We defrosted 3 of the 12 vials we have and ended up with only 2.4 mil. total motile sperm for today's IUI. They really like more than 5 mil. for IUI's, but that's what we got. I had 3 mature follies on the left side, so hopefully ONE of those sperm meets ONE of those eggs. Its completely out of my hand and into gods.

I realize that these numbers could be much worse, but I was really hoping for 5-7 mil. I want to have hope, but lets face it the odds are against us. However, it only takes one:::::it only takes one:::::::it only takes one:::::: I have to keep telling myself that.

Bring on the 2ww! My test date is May 28th, but I will probably test on the 26th or 12dpiui. That's when I got my BFP last time, so I feel pretty secure testing on that date. I never ever test sooner than that, so here's to hoping the next 12 days fly by!

IUI #3 is Done

I'm home! IUI went perfectly and DH's count was 12.6 million. I am really feeling positive about this one! Here are the reasons why it is going to work this cycle:

*It my 3rd IUI (3rd times the charm, right?)

*I was the 7th insemination at my clinic this morning, and we all know lucky #7!! They have never had so many on a Saturday morning. I swear there is going to be a baby boom at my clinic and I want to be part of it!!

*My mom told me she had a feeling this morning that this one is going to work.

*I held my hand on my uterus and prayed the whole way home.

*Tomorrow is Kay's 5th birthday...what a better gift than a sibling?


Now the 2ww begins!

Changing It Up For IUI #3

I got the call back from my clinic about my protocol for this cycle and I will be doing a combined stimulation protocol. What does this mean? Well I will tell you my friends, it means I will do:

CD 3-7 50 mg of clomid
CD 4, 6, & 8 75 units of follistim

I still have to take the evil clomid! Damn, damn, damn. It makes me hot and fat and I hate it. I start OPK's on CD 8, and go in on CD 11 for my follie check. I really hope I get a good response with this combined stimulation, I am nervous that 75 units is not going to be enough, but I at the same time I worry about over stimming on a higher dose. I guess we'll just have to see how my body reacts. Until then, I'll be wondering and waiting.

If any of you have done clomid AND follistim leave me a comment and let me know how you responded! Thanks!

This is Where My Magic Happens...Back From IUI #2!

You know on that show cribs every time they go into the bedroom they always say and this is where the magic happens as they jump on their big California king beds?

Well have a look at where MY magic happens. Romantic huh? I had IUI#2 today and everything went great. The nurse that did my IUI today did a wonderful job and I really like her. I officially have 14.4 million sperm in my uterus today. Now if all you need is ONE this shouldn't be that hard should it?

So now I welcome the 2ww and pray this is "the one"!!

I will be in San Diego this week so hopefully that will help it go by fast.

All Triggered

I set my alarm and got up at 1am to do my trigger shot. I hate having to wake up and stab myself in the stomach with a needle, its just so unnatural. Anyhow I hope I didn't screw it up because when I drew up the medication it was a whole 3-4 cc's less. So I put it back into the vial, grabbed another 3 cc's of water and mixed it in. Then it was only like 2cc's less (I guess it reconstitutes by 1 cc, and then there is always a tiny bit I cant get out with the needle). I think I was just tired and couldn't see straight so hopefully its all good. Then I proceeded to give myself the shot and once again I just couldn't do it. I was trying to avoid having to wake up my husband to do it since it was in the middle of the night. He always does my shots for me because no matter how hard I try I can never push the needle in. So needless to say he got woken up! And get this, for the first time I didn't bleed! Usually I ALWAYS bleed a little and then get a massive bruise, but I think we hit a sweet spot this time : )

All set for IUI#2 in the morning!! DH has to be there at 9:30, then I go in at 11:00! Hopefully I get pregnant tomorrow!

Our Plan for Next Cycle

I emailed my RE this morning about doing an all injectable IUI next cycle because I have 2 boxes of Follistim just sitting in my fridge, and thought I might as well use them right? I only produced 1 follie on the 50mg of clomid so I figured I would see what he thought before I have to go in for my CD 3 stuff again.

He just called and thinks we should try to up the clomid to 100mg (great more hot flashes!) this cycle and then if that doesnt work, use the Follistim the next cycle. So thats the plan and I am okay with that. I just hope that the 100mg will produce more than 1 follie and hopefully not increase the HOT FLASHES anymore than on the 50mg.

Bring on the clomid crazies...like I'm not crazy enough already?!