Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Celebrities and Infertility

Someone posted this on a infertility message board I frequent. I thought it was very interesting. I was surprised at some of the stars that are on the list and had no idea about their IF!

Click here to read

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Better Today

So last night I did not have any cramps or pain, and none today either. I am still a little bloated but not nearly as bad as yesterday and my uterus still feels sensitive too. I don't really know how to describe it, it is a weird sensation. Anyways, I am not totally freaked out anymore.

Now....COME ON AF!!! Lets get this show on the road!

Monday, July 28, 2008

What's Going On Now?

For the last 2 days I have have weird pains/cramps near my left ovary. I had it all day yesterday and it woke me up the night before last. I woke up again last night at 2 am with terrible cramps and decided to take a hot bath...yes at 2 am. I don't have a heating pad, so that was the next best thing.

All day today I have been REALLY bloated, and my uterus feels super sensitive. These things are not normal for me so I am not sure what to think. Yesterday I was thinking it was because I didn't not ovulate again and maybe I was having pains because my body was trying to? I don't know. At one point today my hubby started rubbing my tummy and said "Oh baby" like there was a baby in there and joked that I really looked PG. For that one split second I could see what it would be like if I was actually PG, it was quite depressing actually.

The RE's office said I could come in in the morning to get checked out if I would like, but the only appointment they had was at their office across town (they have 4 offices in my city). I told them I didn't think I could make it and that I would see how things go tonight. I am on CD 26, and my cycles are usually 30-35 days. I am hoping I get AF soon so I can go back in to get my cyst checked and hopefully finish out my b/w.

I don't know what is going on with my body now. Weird.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Favorite Things

I wanted to share with you all one of my favorite things right now. Lancome's Flash Bronzer Airbrush I am now hooked on this stuff! I have never been a fan of self tanners in the past, but this one is different. It is a aerosol spray, meaning no streaks and you can get those hard to reach places! Perfect color so you have a great natural looking tan in one hour!! I seriously love it!!

I also use Lancome's Flash Bronzer Face Gel when I do the self tan. You surly don't want a tan body and a white face. This stuff is great, it has vitamin E, is very light weight, and doesn't clog your pores. Once it is on you cant even tell you put anything on your face.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

First One Down

My DH did his first injection yesterday and surprisingly he said it was not bad!! We'll see how he feels after 100's more of them. He must really love me because that needle goes in deep and has to go into the muscle of his thigh or butt. I don't know if I have said this before but he already has 2 children of his own and I have Kaylee, so he would be fine not having anymore kids. He is doing this all for me. I made it very clear on our first date that 1) I wanted to get married and 2) I wanted to have another child. Those were my deal breakers and he knew it. After being together for a while, he told me one day that "I love Kaylee so much and think it would be really neat for us to have one together". I just love him so much for going through all of this and being so supportive the entire way. He tells me it WILL happen, who cares if we need medical help, we WILL have a child together.

When dealing with infertility you go through periods of being really hopeful and periods of being extremely bitter. Well since Thursday I have been really bitter about the whole thing. I mean I know we are doing what we can to fix DH enough, but what have we actually done to get PG?? NOTHING! Not one thing!! I think I would feel SO much better if we could just TRY something, even if it would fail at least we would be TRYING instead of just waiting...waiting...waiting.... like we have done the last 6 months!! I am sick of waiting!! I want to start trying something!

I am waiting (story of my life) to get my period so I can get my cyst checked and HOPEFULLY move forward with my testing. If the cyst is gone I can get my HSG, and all the rest of my b/w that I need to get done. If the cyst is still there I don't know what they are going to do. Probably put me on the pill to help it go down or surgically remove it. It better be gone!! With the size that is was I am not sure. I just want to find out what is wrong with me. Why don't I ovulate??? UGH!!! Ya know at least if I ovualted we could be trying at home every month...but NO cant even do that.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The S/A Results....

We went in today to go over the results of my DH's S/A and to start him on the 3x weekly HCG injections. Man I was nervous wreck in the waiting room. All of his hormones are still REALLY REALLY low. Here are the results of the S/A:

Count: 45 ml (normal)
Volume: 1.9 ml
Motility: 11% (really low)
Morph (Kruger Strict) 14% (low)
pH: 8.6 (too high)
Viscosity: Slightly increased

We were very surprised he had that many sperm given his testosterone was 36!! Normal is above 240. But with the motility being SO low, our only option right now is IVF. So really he only has 8 ml. mobile sperm and that is really low, not even enough to try IUI, and almost impossible to get PG naturally (and even if we could I dont ovulate!)!! He is starting the injects today and will get F/U B/W in one month from now, and hopefully his hormones will be up. He will get another S/A in 3 more months, and I pray pray pray this helps so we can at least be able to do IUI's instead of jumping right to IVF. Right now is a really bad time financially with my DH buying commerical property and all and we would not be able to fork over 14 grand today. We are giving this one last shot. I REALLY hope it helps!! I will be CRUSHED if we wait another 3 months trying something else that fails....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Catching Up

We got home from Las Vegas yesterday afternoon. We had such a great trip!!! We saw and did lots of fun things and the girls had a blast together!! I was happy to come home though...4 days in Vegas is enough, plus not working out and eating at all those yummy buffets was starting to get to me. I went for a gooooood workout this morning to try and make up for it all. (the pic above is from dinner at Ah Sin Sushi at The Paris) I will post some more pics from Vegas later.

So tomorrow is Dooms Day- or the follow up visit with the Uro after my DH's S/A last week. I wasn't nervous until today, and now I am a wreck!! I am just really hoping that he has some swimmers in there. So please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow!!
Also, I got the news today that DH's daughter (the one who is PG with her 2nd set of twins, see prior posts for details and the full story) is having a boy and a girl. GREAT for them, 2 more they cant afford. But they will be finally getting that boy they have been hoping for ((((shoot me now)))). When Justin (Dh's son) told me that it was like a knife going in my chest. It just makes me physically sick hearing ANYTHING about her and this PG...mainly due to their circumstances and what we are going through. I have never been so un-happy about someones pregnancy. I am not this bitter with others, but with her I am. I guess it is because we supported them when she was PG the last time with the twins, or the fact that they will now have 5 children they cant afford and we cant even have one, or the fact that she is family and DH's daughter so I have no way to NOT hear about it...IDK, either way it sucks.

Friday, July 18, 2008

**Viva Las Vegas**

Me, Kay, her BFF, and her mom are going to Las Vegas in the morning for a girls weekend! The girls are SO excited and we are really looking forward to it! We will be spending the days by the pool, shopping, and we have lots of fun stuff planned for the girls. We are going to take them to the Secret Garden at the Mirage, the M&M Store, the Excalibur, and more.

One thing I think is really cute is that every night for dinner we plan on all dressing up, even the girls. Since it is their first girls weekend and all it is in order : ) So today I will be packing and getting us ready because we have a early flight to catch.

I am looking forward to this. With the results of DH's S/A looming over my head and everything else, I need a good distraction. And of course I found out yesterday that someone else I know is PG and I am just sure how much more I can take.

I will post pics when I return!! Oh and P.S. today is day 4 of not smoking and I am doing great, each day has gotten a little easier.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dum Dum Dum

Tomorrow is DH's S/A!!!

I have to drop his sample off in the morning sometime. I just hope that he doesn't give me any trouble about doing it since he has tried to use just about every excuse already why he doesn't want to/cant do it. I know it is a mental thing with him, but it HAS to be done for us to move forward in any way.

I will be waiting anxiously for the results! I am not sure how long it is going to take to get them back. We do have a appointment with the uro next week to go over everything and discuss the next steps, but hopefully I can get the results before then.

Wish my DH luck!! A lot of decisions are boiling down to these results. Stay tuned....

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Weight Loss & Smoking Update

First lets start off with the smoking. I haven't a cig today and I am doing pretty good. I am having some seriously bouts of agitation, but I bought some nicorette gum that is really helping take the edge off!! I can do this!! Before I quit I was kinda worried that I would gain weight, especially since I just worked my ass off to loose my extra weight. Well today, so far so good hunger wise. I WILL NOT replace cigarettes with food or snacking, I have worked too hard. So hopefully the following days are like today diet wise, no different than normal. Overall its been a tough day so far, but I will get through it. Thats one good thing about me, when I want something NOTHING stands in my way! I am a pretty motivated person. I have warned everyone to bare with me for these first couple days though.

Now onto the weight loss......

I DID IT! I reached my goal weight of 108 pounds!! I lost a total of 14 pounds in the last 2(ish) months!! I feel great, and my body looks the way I am used to it looking...slim and toned! I stuck to my diet (except my 1 cheat meal a week), went to the gym 5-6 days a week, and I accomplished my goal!! Now I am thinking that I want to get down to 105 pounds. That is my all time dream weight, and since I am only 3 pounds away, why not? I want to be in the BEST shape of my life before my next pregnancy (if that ever happens) so I can continue to workout and eat right while I am PG. So I think I will drop the 3 pounds, and then maintain by loosening up on my diet, but continuing to workout. If I workout 5-6 days a week I can eat what ever I want and not gain weight, but I wont loose weight either I will just maintain which is good for me : )

YIPPEEEE! SO many positive changes in my life. I am quitting smoking, I have lost weight, I eat healthier and almost all organic, and my DH and I are finally getting somewhere on this house with the city. Now if we could just get PG life would be perfect!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Infertility's Common Thread

Click here to read about the history of Infertility's Common Thread. I will be getting mine tomorrow!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Is God Listening?

Just now me and Kay were outside and she asked me when she was going to have a brother and a sister (yes, she wants one of each). I told her that I didn't know, but that I was working on trying to get her one. She asked me why I didn't have a baby in my tummy yet, and how will it get in there? I proceeded to tell her the same story as last time she asked, that babies start out as small as a seed and that mommy doesn't have a seed yet. She told me that she would go get me a seed so I could grow a baby. I told her that she cant but when god thinks the time is right he will give one to me and then she can finally have a little brother or a sister.

And then the sweetest, saddest thing happened.

She folded her little hands, closed her eyes tightly and said:

"Dear god, thank you for my beautiful family and thank you for my mommy. Can you please please give me a brother or a sister, I really want a brother or a sister. With liberty and justice for all. Amen"

I laughed that she added the end of the pledge of allegiance, but it was so sad for me to see her praying so hard and so sweet for a sibling. I was holding back the tears.

All I can do is pray that god will answer her prayers.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What To Expect When Your NOT Expecting

I saw a blog that had this as a title and it really got me thinking. Parenting is like infertility in a lot of ways. Here are a few examples:

1) Babies don't come with a handbook and neither does infertility.
2) You never REALLY know what its like or how it feels unless you have experienced it.
3) You don't know what to expect, or how things are going to work out because you have never done it before.

I wish there was a manual for how to deal with infertility, or something that tells you exactly what you are going to have to do to fix it. Sort of like the "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book. It tells you each month throughout your pregnancy the things that can and will arise each month, what things to worry about, things to disregard, and how to prepare yourself and body for birth, etc.


there is no book about What To Expect When Your NOT expecting and I think there should be! Maybe the author of those books will find my blog and consider it. That's all.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My Little Princess

Here are a few random pictures of Kay from the other night. She was taking some medicine (she had a little cold) getting ready for her story time and then her beauty sleep as she likes to call it : ) It's our normal nightly routine: bath, snack, story, then lights out at 8:00-8:15 every night!

I Quit!

Last week I decided I want to quit smoking again. Yes, again. I have quit 3 times and once for a whole year (when I got pg with Kaylee). I have just had enough and am tired of it. Last time I quit my Dr. gave me the Nicitrol Inhaler. They are shaped like cigarettes and you inhale nicotine, which REALLY helped me with the physical addiction. So he gave me another script and go figure insurance wont cover it. It was 195 dollars....forget that. So I have decided I will just use the gum or something else a little cheaper this time.

My DH said after I have quit for 4 days I can get a new purse!! I love him. For those that don't know, I am OBSESSED with handbags and have a pretty nice collection! So I have had my eye on this new Michael Kors bag and this is going to be my motivation!

I set a date.....Monday July14th is the day I am going to quit!! Until then I am going to try and cut back to prepare myself. I know I can do it because I have done it before...the trick for me is STAYING quit when life gets tough. The last 3 times I started back up again was due to major stress in my life. Bare with me as I may be a bitch next have been warned!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

My 4th of July Festivites

We hosted a BBQ last night for about 20 it is always so hectic preparing for any event, especially since I am a perfectionist when it comes to party planning, decorating, and the menu (I cooked all the food). I cooked and cleaned all day but everything turned out great! Everyone loved the food (and grilled avocado, tomato, and red onion salad was a HUGE hit!!) and had a great time.
3 different people asked me last night if I was pregnant, or when we were going to have a baby, or if we were trying. I hate when people ask because I have to keep a normal happy Lisa face and flat out LIE. "Oh yeah, were trying no biggie when it happens it happens" or "Yeah were going to have another one..very nonchalantly" I hate having to lie, and it is quite hard for me to act all normal because this has been a VERY emotionally hard week for me. Every time someone asks me those dreaded questions my stomach sinks....if they only knew. Now I am getting to a point that when we are around a large group or family I am just praying that no one asks.

When everyone left I told my DH and he was surprised that so many people asked me..and he asked if I was okay. I told him that I hate having to lie, but I understand that this is very personal and I don't want everyone knowing all of our issues. He said next time someone asks to just tell them that we are trying but we are having some problems. I agree, but you know when I tell someone that they are going to ask "What kind of problems?" and then what the hell am I gonna say? Its like opening a can of worms....infertile worms.

But last night turned out wonderful!! All the kids (there were about 10 here) had a blast and enjoyed the fireworks, of course Kaylee loved having other children around to play if I had only remembered to take pics. Shoot!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Will It Ever End?

As soon as I think we are on our way to having a baby (finally!) something ALWAYS stands in the way. We found out that we were infertile 7 months ago and what have we done to actually GET PG?? NOTHING! NOT ONE THING.

First it was my DH's old meds..then we had to wait, then it was the clomid..then that didnt work, then they increase the does..then that didn't work...then I was going to get all my tests done so we could start treatments..then we found the cyst so now I cant finish....AGGGHHHHHH!!! So now we have to wait longer before we can even start. I swear I am starting to wonder if this will ever end. I just want to START A TREATMENT, then at least we will be trying to have a baby. I am tired of waiting and it's killing me.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Houston We Have a Problem

Today I started AF, so I had to go in for the start of my testing. Today's testing was a baseline internal u/s and b/w. So I arrive at my RE's office ready to rock and roll and little did I know what I was about to find out.

I get undressed and am waiting on the exam table for the nurse to come in and start my u/s. There is a large screen on the wall where I can see the u/s too, so I thought that was cool. I have never had a internal u/s without a baby inside me before so I was very interested to see how everything looked in there.

The nurse walks in and we begin. As soon as she put the wand inside me she said "WOW, whatcha got in there?" the FIRST thing that popped into my mind was "OMG is there a baby in there??" I said back to her "I don't know what is it" she says "Well it looks like you have a big cyst on one of your ovaries" WHAT?!? I do?? I asked her how big it was and she said that is was pretty large. She asked me if I have had any pain or anything like that, and I said no because I haven't. So she does her thing and takes all her measurements, and then goes back to measure the cyst. The cyst looked like the size of a apricot, or a big lime/lemon...a big black circle on the screen. She could not even see that ovary because the cyst was covering it up.

She moves on to check out my left ovary and its normal, everything looked good. But I did have some follicles in there (when you are on AF, your not supposed to have any in there) She began to count and measure them....and I have 21 follicles in there!! another WHAT?!? To have that many in there is CRAZY. She said to me "You don't ovulate do you?" NOPE, sure don't, so she said they have just been collecting in there and never releasing. But the good news is that means I don't have a low ovarian reserve (I have a good, normal amount of eggs, but just don't ovulate)If my husband didn't have male factor I would be sleeping in another room....because you know if I ever do ovulate it WILL be more than one egg. That really freaked me out.

So because of the cyst they had to cancel my HSG coming up because the dye being shot up there could cause that ovary to twist, or even cause the cyst to explode. They want me to come back for a cyst check and either it can go away on its own (which I doubt being the size that it is and my luck), give me meds to reduce it, or have it surgically removed. We can not do ANY treatments until the cyst is taken care of. I am supposed to get a call from one of the Dr.'s about what they want me to do next. I was also instructed to call if I start having ANY pain at all, because it could rupture.

Nothing with my fertility issues ever goes smoothly, but I was totally NOT expecting all this. I do however feel some sense of relief because at least I am getting some answers. I have known that I haven't been ovulating for the past 9 months now, so I KNEW something was wrong with me but I would have never guessed I had a cyst. Who knows how long its been there.

I will update when I hear from the Dr. although because of the holiday it may not be until Monday.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My 4th of July Menu

For the last 3 years we have done a BBQ at our house for 4th of July. We have a great view from our deck to watch all the fireworks! I LOVE to cook and am always looking forward to trying new recipes and entertaining! So I thought I would share my menu that I am serving this year.

Grilled Chicken w/Lemon, Garlic, and Oregano
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice,1/4 cup finely chopped fresh oregano, 2 tablespoons minced garlic, 2 tablespoons kosher salt, 2 teaspoons black pepper, 1/3 cup olive oil, 12 whole chicken legs (7 lb) 8 chicken breast halves with skin and bones (8 lb) 5 lemons, cut crosswise into 1/3-inch-thick slices
To Prepare:
Whisk together lemon juice, oregano, garlic, 1/2 tablespoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in a large bowl and add oil in a slow stream, whisking.
Transfer legs to bowl with lemon dressing and turn to coat, add remaing salt and pepper. Sear chicken breasts, starting with skin sides down, turning once, until well browned, 6 to 8 minutes total. Grill lemon slices, until grill marks appear, about 3 minutes on each side, and transfer to platter with chicken.

Great Grilled Vegetable Sandwich
1 Japanese eggplant sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 small zucchini sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 red pepper cut in quarter's lengthwise, 1 small red onion cut into 4 slices, 2 portobello mushroom caps, 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, Salt and pepper, 8 slices crusty peasant style bread cut 1/2-inch thick, 4 pieces red leaf lettuce, and Herbed Mayonnaise. Herbed Mayonnaise: 3/4 cup mayonnaise, 1/2 lemon juiced, A few drop hot sauce, 1 garlic clove crushed and skin removed, 2 tablespoons thyme leaves, 2 tablespoons flat-leaf parsley, leaves 2 tablespoons chopped chives
To Prepare:
Using a pastry brush, brush olive oil on the vegetable slices and the portobello mushrooms. Season them with salt and pepper. Place vegetables on a hot grill and cook until they are tender. Once vegetables are done brush sliced bread with olive oil and grill on both sides. To assemble, slice portobellos into 1/4-inch slices, spread both sides of the grilled bread with herbed mayonnaise and then top with 1 slice each of grilled vegetables and a quarter of the mushrooms, and finish off with lettuce and top with remaining piece of bread.
Herbed Potato Salad
2 pounds boiling potatoes, 1/4 cup fresh flat-leafed parsley, leaves2 to 3 teaspoons fresh thyme, leaves3 tablespoons olive oil ,1 tablespoon minced shallot
To Prepare:
In a 5-quart kettle cover potatoes with cold salted water by 2 inches and simmer until just tender. 10 minutes (for small fingerling potatoes) to 25 minutes (for larger boiling or all-purpose potatoes). Drain potatoes in a colander and cool to room temperature.
Chop parsley and thyme. Cut cooled potatoes into 1 1/2-inch pieces. In a bowl gently toss potatoes with herbs, oil, shallot, and salt and pepper to taste. Serve potato salad at room temperature.

Grilled Avocado, Tomato, Red Onion Salad (My Fav!)
10 tomatoes quartered, 4 avocados peeled, halved, and pitted, Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling 1 red onion, sliced 1/2 lemon, 1 cup pesto sauce, 1/2 cup pine nuts, Parmiggiano-Reggiano
To Prepare:
Preheat a grill over medium heat. Cover a large tray with tomato quarters, and set aside.
Place avocado halves in a bowl and drizzle with olive oil. Place each half on a hot open grill for about 30 to 45 seconds. Remove and place on top of the tomatoes arranged on tray. Drizzle with olive oil again.
In another bowl, cover the red onion slices with the juice from the lemon half and olive oil. Place onions in the empty avocado pit holes. Cover with the lemon/olive oil mix. Then, top with pesto, distributing generously on all sides. Sprinkle pine nuts and cheese on top, to taste.

One Year

That's how long its been since I stopped taking birth control pills. One year of trying and no baby.

I remember the day I took my last pill in July of 2007. I was so freaked out thinking I would get PG right away. I felt so vulnerable and so unprotected, but yet so happy to finally have the 2 children I had been dreaming about. It was weird to think that we were actually going to be TRYING to have a baby considering both Kaylee and DH's 2 children were completely unplanned. That day my DH also told me "Be careful, if you sit too close to me in church you'll wind up pregnant" and "Oh you'll be PG in 2 weeks watch!!" Because he was VERY fertile back in the day. At this time we obviously had no idea what his meds were doing to his swimmers. Each month I would count how far apart my kids would be "if I get PG this month they will be xx years apart and so on" and "This time next year the baby will be xx months old". Well that shit flew out the window because all that does is make me sad. I just try not to think about it anymore because it is out of my control. It really bothers me. I wanted my kids to be NO MORE than 4 years apart...and that will never happen. I need to come to terms with it though. It is very hard for me to accept...but I am working on it.

So here we are...a year later, no baby, not pregnant and still kind of in shock that we are having to do fertility treatments. Its quite sad. Fuck you infertility! You are so UNFAIR!