It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.
Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.
My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.
Now I am seconding guessing my decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.
I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.
We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!
Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.
In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?
Kay in her ballet pro pic this year! She's so pretty!
She starts back up again in 2 weeks. I cant believe that! This year she decided she wanted to take ballet and tap. She is such a great little dancer. I really hope she keeps up with it throughout her teen years.
It's official. We are starting our final treatment cycle. This is it folks! It's our hail mary-please-god-let-it-work-or-we-will-never-have-another-baby cycle. I called into my clinic on Monday (CD 1) only to find out that my RE was on vacation. My plan was to have my CD 3 scan scheduled with my RE so we could also discuss protocol changes. Sort of a two for the price of appointment. Well once I found out he wasn't there, I told the nurse what I had in mind for this next cycle. All injects and NO clomid because of the headaches. It was so bad last cycle that I swore I would NEVER TAKE THAT DRUG AGAIN. I would rather take the shots every single day than deal with those headaches.
She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!
After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.
Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):
CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units
Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.
I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.
I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!
Lately Miss M has been obsessed with digging around in her closet and pulling out her baby things. Last week she INSISTED I get the bouncer chair out after I walked in and caught her trying to pull it out of the closet herself. Well she's been hanging out in that thing ever since! She looks so silly. But she loves it, so I let her :) I told my DH that if we have another baby, that is one thing we will have to re purchase (because I have saved everything else!)
So here is a shot of her then...so tiny and small...
And man this 2ww is driving me CRAZY! I feel like I am over analyzing everything. Every twinge, every cramp, every single sign that could possibly mean that I am pregnant. Truth is, I dont know. At least last cycle with our extremely low counts I knew our chances were slim. I knew it didn't work, I just knew it. So I spent my whole 2ww telling myself that and not worrying about it, while secretly praying for a miracle. This time I am much more hopeful!!
Because we had much more sperm this time around, in my mind we had a decent shot! And it could have really worked! So enter the 2ww hell of mind games and torture. Combine that with the nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that none of these attempts may work. That I need to be prepared to never experience pregnancy and child birth again. Never knowing what M's little sister (putting it out there already) may have looked like. And closing that whole chapter of my life. I know I have 2 beautiful girls, and believe me I know how extremely lucky I am to have them! Every night I hold each of them tightly thanking god for giving me such amazing gifts. But am I ready to say at 28 years old that I will never mother another? That is always at the back of my mind. Always. and I hate that the choice has been taken away from me. DAMN YOU INFERTILITY!!
For now my focus is making it through this week and hopefully seeing TWO glorious lines on Saturday morning!! In the mean time, I am pumping myself full of progesterone, taking a baby aspirin, drinking a big glass of POM juice every morning (something new I am trying this cycle to increase blood flow to the ute), and PRAYING!
My week started with a fabulous blow from The Dry Bar, my new favorite place. 35 dollars, 7 different blow outs to chose from, 30 minutes, and fabulous results :) I mixed 2; the Cosmopolitan and the Southern Comfort to give me volume on top with loose curls on the bottom. LOVE! Its not good that this place is 10 min. from my house lets just say that okay?
We've enjoyed lunches by the pool. Its been scorching hot here (read 115+) so we have had many a days by the pool this week.
Kay had to get 2 teeth pulled at the dentist :( We had to make room for those big teeth to come in, and if we didn't extract they would have started to come in side ways and all sorts of funky. My big girl walked out all excited and said "Mom, guess what? I lost TWO teeth! I didn't even know they were wiggly!" She did amazing, but its going to be a while until the ones they pulled grow in. The roots were very long, but at least now the one next to her one big one can come in straight! There will be more of these extractions in her future unfortunately.
Miss M thought it would be funny to run from Mommy while I was trying to get her to sit on the p.otty....
Catch me if you can!
And my little cousins from Houston are here visiting. One is 13 and one is 10 and Kay has had SO much fun spending time with her cousins and we've stayed very busy running around entertaining them. Another bonus, is because we've been so busy I haven't thought much about my 2ww! I am 4dpiui today and started my progesterone supplements yesterday. Chugging right along, nothing to report yet. Have a great weekend everyone!
What were my 4th of July plans? To get inseminated that's what! The clinic was bustling this morning, full of patients causing them to be behind by an hour. The wait was worth it because when I walked into the exam room and saw the sticky note that said that my 4 defrosted vials yielded 9.6 mil total motitle count with zero round cells I was ECSTATIC!!! I mean, that is waybeyond what I was hoping for. I was shooting for 5 mil, so I am so over the moon happy!! I finally feel like I got some really great news and that we actually have a shot at this! That's a far cry for the 2.4 mil last time, but the nurse did say that some of the vials will have more than others, so we hit the jackpot with one of those 4 vials.
Last night we went to a big firework festival like we do every year. Well the fireworks started at 9:30, its 20 min. away, and traffic is always hell getting out of there so I thought I should bring my trigger shot with me just in case. I needed to take the shot at 10:30, so it was a close call. In the end, I am glad I brought it with me because I had to shoot up in a Circle K bathroom!
Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!
That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!
Today was my first follie check and I was eager to get in because I haven't been feeling much going on in my ovaries. Usually, I feel twinges, fullness, tenderness, and bloating, All signs that something is cooking in there. This cycle, none of that despite the increase to 100mg of clomid and 3 shots of bravelle. So I was really anxious to see what I had going on.
Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.
Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.
I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....
Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...
So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.
I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.