Time Heals All Wounds?

They say time heals all wounds. But does it? If you ask people who have lost a loved one, they most always say no that time only makes the loss more tolerable to deal with, but that the wound is still same wound that it was X amount of time ago.

I think time heals certain wounds. Wounds that are capable to be healed. Wounds like the kind of wounds I have with regards to my infertility.

I often wondered (while still cycling, and shortly after) if I would ever be okay with the cards I've been dealt, or if it would always hurt this much? I really wasn't sure if it was possible to be okay with forever feeling like my family is incomplete. Forever feeling a void in my heart.The answer only lied with time.

3 months have passed since that final BFN; and since then there has been much more heartache with a surprise failed adoption, the inner issues that caused me and my family, and becoming a foster mom to my 6yo cousin. I've been through a LOT of heaartache, cried many tears, and said "why is life so unfair?" more times than I can ever count.

But today I can sit here and say that time IS healing my wounds. I am starting to feel a sense of gratuity that it is doing so because I simply cant imagine living with that heartache throughout my life. What a waste of a precious life. A few weeks ago I started reading a book titled:

 "One Thousand Gifts. A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are".

This book has been a huge part of my "recovery" if you will and has sort of been a The Secret way of thinking for me. In years past, since The Secret came out, whenever I would get into a funk or any type of self loathing I would pick up The Secret to help change  my way of thinking and it ALWAYS helps. But with this particular wound, a wound I knew The Secret could not help, I searched for something else and found One Thousand Gifts.

(I have to warn you though, as I wasn't expecting it myself, it is a christian book. Its' fine with me, but just a warning for others who are considering reading it. I do however think that whether Christian or not, the message that this book sends is for everyone who is being challenged by life in some way).  

Basically, this book has helped me realize that yes although I was dealt with a tough hand, and yes I desperately wanted another child, I AM STILL UNDOUBTEDLY THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD FOR GETTING NOT ONE BUT TWO AMAZING HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN and that you know what? Maybe god is not giving me a third child for a reason, maybe in the bigger picture its best that I only have 2 children, or somehow no matter how I will never  understand it, this is whats meant to be. The reality is, is that I have already been SO BLESSED.

It in a way has made me feel a little foolish for even asking for more when I have been given such an amazing (2) little people. But I couldn't help how I felt, and I certainly couldn't control those undeniable feelings for the chance to do it just.one.more.time. and maybe I was put on this journey, even to only end in despair, to find out things about myself. Like I am a LOT stronger than I ever thought I was, and that I need to find out more about myself outside of motherhood. If you would have told me even 5 years ago that by age 30 I would have gone through numerous hormone shots and infertility treatments, gone through a FAILED ADOPTION, and became a FOSTER MOM I would have NEVER, ever believed it.

So the past 3 months have been all about grieving, healing, and self discovery for me and its not over yet. I just wanted to put it out there that IF YOU CHOOSE to allow yourself to open up to other things, and to believe that this maybe part of something bigger, your way of thinking might change, and that can alone help you heal your wounds. And if not, it can certainly at least help you to "feel" better about your "current life".

The pain is still there, it just stings less, and I certainly don't have it all figured out (not even close) and may not ever, but today I am better. And tomorrow I will be even better, because its another day I am alive. Another day that my family is healthy and together. Another day that the sun will be shining and I will feel the warmth on my skin. Another day on this journey...I really do have a great life (with or without more children).

First Post of 2012

I decided I'm not going to do one of those 'looking back' posts. 2011 was a CRAZY ASS YEAR and lets just leave it at that K?

But what I am going to do is vow to make 2012 the best year I possibly can. I usually do make a New Years Resolution, but let me prefce that its always something completely reasonable- like for 2010 my NY resolution was to complete ALL my dental work! Took me till Septmeber, but I did it. See? Completely reasonable. Would I like to lose 30 lbs and hit the gym 6 days a week? SURE, but I know that is not reasonable!!!  And as a matter of fact I HATE THE GYM in Jan/Feb and look forward to March! Thats when my gym becomes back to normal once all those people fall off the wagon....serisouly, its packed until March. And it drives me nuts!

I've had a hard time finding a good resolution for 2012, but here's what I did manage to come up with (completely resonable ;)

• Start printing more of the 250 pictures a month I take. Everything is digital, which is great but my family hasn't received pictures in the snail mail since 2006.
• Make hard albums of said pics.
• Finish both my girls' baby books. I've always been good about updating (I update both bi monthly, but alas, neither have any PICS!
• Be more in the moment. Less worrying about my house, or the clutter and be more in the moment!
• Finally do things that make ME happy that doesn't involve kids, babies, or shopping. This is going to be TOUGH.
• And finally, take the time and get whatever professional help I need to to be okay with not having anymore kids. What I haven't blogged about the last couple days, is that I had  complete mental breakdown over all the TTC/ not TTC/ pregnancy announcements and kicks to the gut, and then all the M turning 2 stuff, and it I just literally broke down hysterically crying. It was real, it was in the moment, and it needed to come out. And I need to let it out more. I HAVE to start working on getting past this, rather than just distracting myself. Because that's exactly what I've been doing. Distracting myself from the pain and reality of never having another child and feeling completely robbed of the family I desire.

So there you have it my friends.

Lets get 2012 off to a great start and lets kick some ass and take some names!

And lastly, I will leave you all with some pics from M's Birthday Breakfast at IHOP yesterday!

{First time wearing makeup in a week because I was on my death bed for 6 days with the flu}

{Sunshine felt so good!}

{First time facing forward!}

{So happy to be alive and OUT}

{The prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen}

{My little Loralai (that's my nickname for her)}

{At their own tables like big girls}

{What M thought of anymore pictures}

{Special Socks}

Happy New Year!!!!

Still Grieving

I'm having on of those days...filled with all the nasty ugly painful feelings about my infertility. It started at the hospital this morning. (remeber I have the flu? Well after 5 days of a fever over 100, this morning it was 103.1) my Dr ordered me to go to the hospital for labs, etc.

So this morning I went and checked in. Ironically enough, it was exactly 2 years ago today I walked into that very same hospital to give birth to my baby M. It was very surreal. This particular hospital plays a lullaby throughout the whole hospital everytime a baby born. It's very touching, but I couldn't help but think that I want another baby. I want that lullaby played for me :( it hit me like a ton of bricks every time it played..

I'll never have that again. Ever. ;( it's so hard.

Then there have been the normal numerous pregnancy announcements lately. Those are always so hard on me, but more so now :(

Bottom line is I'm still grieving. And who knows how long this process will take. L has been a great distraction, but I'm not so sure hiding from the issues is going to help. Maybe I need counseling... Or just more time. I don't know.

Sinking In.

I was fine all weekend, but the last couple days it has really started to sink in that I will never have another baby :( That M was my last pregnancy, and that there isn't even a CHANCE of a pregnancy in our future. I think its just going to take some time to grieve and accept that fact. And I am sure I am going to have my ups and downs, but this is a lot to process. Because the decision is not mine...its not  because we don't want anymore kids, or we cant afford anymore kids, its because we cant physically make anymore.

All of this had made me so much more grateful for my children, that if I never have another, I am still the luckiest woman on earth for having them. So so lucky. They really are precious gifts that too many people  take for granted unfortunately.

IF was a huge part of my life for so long. It has become a part of me. But it also has had a hand in making me the woman and mother I am today. All the sorrow, tears, begging and praying, shots, and sleepless nights, were all totally worth being able to create these little gifts of life. All of it. I wouldn't for a second wish the pain of infertility on anyone else, but there is a positive side of it as weird as it sounds. Its such an emotional struggle that is forces you to be stronger than you ever thought you could be, and makes you realize whats really most important in life. So when you finally get those those, you hold them very close to your heart.

But god works in very mysterious ways. I believe that every experience we have the good and the bad, we have been given for a reason.

Over the last two years, I have prayed to god to please let me do this one more time, and I know I have been so amazingly blessed with these 2 beautiful children and I am forever grateful for that. But god, there is still a void in my heart. A void that only having one more child to complete our family can fill. I so desperately want this, please don't let that be the last time I get to experience such a miracle. Please.

Yes, these were my conversations with god.

And on Thanksgiving morning I woke up, peed on a stick and it was over. All these years, and tears, and pain and money and it was over. Just like that.

But two days prior on November 22nd, god had answered my prayer. Just in his own way. He brought me L, my 6 year old cousin who has had such an undeserving life. A child. For me to raise. Even for only a short time, an innocent child for me to love and care for. Someone else to call me that coveted title: "Momma".

And then I ran across this quote and had one of the biggest Ah Ha moments of my adult life :



God has another plan for me. Yes, its not what I had planned, but I believe this whole experience (especially with the timing) was given to me for a reason. This is something I never in my life imagined that I would be doing, fostering. Not in my wildest dreams. But its changing me. In big ways. Yes, I have to grieve what could have been and the life I was so hopping for, but at the same time I am celebrating the life I have been given.

Not Pregnant

12dpiui

Here I am 12dpiui, my usual test date. But not this time! This 2ww is the last 2ww I will ever have. The last time I will ever have a possibility of being pregnant, so I am going to milk it for all its worth. In all honestly, I thought is was going to be really really hard to wait until 14 days past my IUI to test, because usually I am DYING to know by 12 days. This time remains different, because its been easy. Almost too easy. I don't want it to end, I want to stay in my hope bubble.

Reality is though, is that deep down I don't think I'm pregnant. However in some weird way, I still have hope. Hope that it could be possible. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have had NO symptoms at all. None, zero, zilch, nada. Except for low back pain for the last few days, which could easily be from totting around a 25 pound toddler. I went back and through my blog, and found my BFP symptoms post after my successful cycle with M, and they were all typical pregnancy symptoms, none of which I have :(

So here I will stay in my hope bubble until the morning of Thanksgiving. To which I will wake up, POAS, and then regardless of the results, come out and face the world and enjoy my day and all its blessings. Because I really do have SO much to be thankful for.

2 more sleeps!

2ww Turmoil

Today I am 6dpiui and doing fine, but the days leading up to this point have not been so great. And just like how everything about the beginning of this cycle has been different, so has this 2ww....

I started spotting at 2dpiui, and spotted pink, red, brown, and everything in between on and off until 4dpiui. That has NEVER happened to me. I have had 6 IUI's, 2 HSG's, 2 Saline Sono's, and never once spotted after any of those procedures. I have even joked in the past that my cervix is made of steel. So this was driving me completely batty. BUT I did have sex that day, so I chalked it up to my cervix being irritated from the IUI and my husband having moves like Jagger.

Now that that drama has finally commenced, we've moved onto happier times. Surprisingly, this 2ww is actually flying by! I started progesterone on 3dpiui, and although I haven't experienced any real symptoms yet, I *think* I had some mild cramping on and off on 4dpiui. Which is a great sign in my book. The cycle I got pregnant with M, I had mild AF type cramps from 4-7dpiui. 

And just to leave you all on the edge of your seats a little longer, I've decided not to test on my usual 12dpiui this cycle, but rather wait until 14dpiui (on Thanksgiving) to test. This is the last time I will ever get to hope that I could be pregnant, so I want to hang onto that and stay in my hope bubble as long as possible.

Breathe Lisa breathe....

I Need A Miracle

Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...

Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.

I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.

That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.

I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)

So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.

And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!

Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just  in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.

They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.

3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?

And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.

It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.

Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.

CD 10 {Hail Mary Cycle}

I went in for my first monitoring appointment with Mr. Wandy today and this cycle is already turning out to be different. First of all, my right ovary is dead. Once again, I didn't produce any sizable follicles on that side even though we started out with a higher dose in hopes to kick start both ovaries. My RE thinks that's just they way my body is now, and the only way to wake it up would be to give me much higher doses of stims. But with IUI's, that's not really an option with out having a VERY high risk for multiples, so high that that's out of the question. So lefty is just going to have to pull all the weight around here!

I had 3 follies on the left side, a 20mm, a 16mm, and a 15mm. My lining was better than the previous cycles at a 8.5. I cant believe I was pretty much ready to go on CD 10. This is the response that I used to get! These last 2 cycles I was using Bravelle because a dear friend gave it to me (and lets be honest, fertility drugs are MUCHO expensive) and I just wasnt getting great results. Bottom line, what I've learned is that I have a MUCH better response on follistim than I do with Bravelle!

I will do one more 75iu follisitm shot tonight, trigger shot tomorrow night at 11:30pm, and go in for my insemination on Thursday at 9:30 am! Now I just have to keep everything crossed that we have a semi decent sperm count after the thaw on Thursday.

My RE seemed VERY optimistic and thinks I responded beautifully. And for the first time in many cycles, I walked out feeling great. Great about my appointment, great about this cycle, and great about the future!

It's Go Time

Today is CD 3 and I had my baseline appointment this morning, my cyst was finally gone so that means I will start injections tonight! Here's the plan (so far) for this cycle; our last attempt to have another child together:

CD 3: 125 units of Follistim
CD 4: 100 units
CD 5: 75 units
CD 6: 75 units
CD 8: 50 units - start daily OPK's
CD 10 (next Monday): First follie scan!

We will tweak at that point if necessary. The thing is, my body responds so differently each cycle now a days, so its really a crap shoot. We want to kick my ovaries into gear initially, and then back down so I don't end up with too many follies. It's such a fine line when dealing with injectables but even though we are using crappy frozen sperm, we are not going to be reckless. I am hoping for 1-2 nice fat mature eggs on each side!

I cant wait to get this cycle going, so far I feel pretty optimistic!

The Red Witch

A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up, went to the bathroom, then literally was startled to the point where my ass gained some air time when I wiped and saw RED! OMG!

I mean, I knew I would eventually get my period, but since I haven't had a hormone free cycle in 8+ months, and just got off a 2 month birth control stint with a nice big fat hormone inducing cyst, I wasn't expecting her for at least another week or two.
.
So you can see why I was startled! Because this means that (if today is CD 1) I will be going in on Monday for my baseline u/s, and will start shots for our last treatment cycle. And if you've been following along you know I went from going through IUI's, to IVF, and back to IUI's again but if you haven't read the latest, read this.

HERE WE GO!!!!!

Realizations

A few days ago, I woke up contemplating this whole TTC baby number 3 thing. It was weird because over these last 2 cycles, knowing I was on a forced break, I haven't even thought about TTC. It would be like wasted energy right now, so I just tucked it away knowing that I would face it all again soon- just not right now. I popped my birth control pills nightly, and it hasn't crossed my mind. So waking up this particular morning with all these thoughts and feelings was just weird. I hadn't dreamed about it, or talked about it, but it was the FIRST thing that hit my mind when my eyes opened that particular morning.

I suddenly was contemplating why and if I should just stick to the original plan with this whole thing, which was to use the 2 frozen sperm samples with IUI's no matter if it were 1 attempt, or 3, and if it worked then it was meant to be and if not that was it. No more children.

But see, as I got closer and closer to the end of my rope I panicked. Pure and utter panic on the inside. Knowing that I would never be a mother again, knowing that I would never feel my baby kick inside me, knowing I would never make another bottle, or hold another baby to sleep. Knowing in fact, the option to grow my family was no longer an option.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time the other part of my brain is SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for allowing me to even experience this once, let alone twice, knowing how lucky I am to have TWO beautiful children and wondering if and why I cant just be happy with my family of four. So I don't want anyone to think "Oh poor you who are you to whine? You have two kids and I'm still trying to have one, you've had your turn SO GET OVER IT". Because honestly, I probably would think the same thing.

On the other hand, no one can tell you when your family is complete, and not to scare the infertiles who are still TTC and read my blog (if there are any) just because you've had a successful pregnancy and a baby doesn't make ANY of those infertile feelings go away. Especially if you do want another.

Back to the other morning....

I woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee, and grabbed my phone. Twitter has become such an amazing place for support for me. There, I have had a chance to bond with other IF woman, secondary IF woman, others moms and it really has been amazing place to have. I posted that morning:

Woke up this morning feeling very conflicted about our whole TTC #3 plan. Feeling like maybe we should have just stuck to the original plan...


Which was to use our 2 samples of frozen sperm for IUIs and if it worked, then it was meant to be. If not, then that was it...


I got so close to the end of the rope w/ our last IUI that I panicked. RE told me that w/ our sperm if we really wanted success IVF was best...


But now I'm starting to wonder if I should just stick to the original plan. We have 5 (although crappy) vials left. Enough for 1 more IUI...

I'm just so conflicted with it all...I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is...

And one of my dear twitter friends who just went through her 3rd IVF that ended up in a miscarriage replied to me and said:

"There is no right- all you can do is make a decision and go with it. Once you've decided, don't go back and do the "what ifs" Good luck!"

All day that comment resonated with me. All day. She was right. And I m the QUEEN of what ifs when it comes to dealing with my own infertility. Her comment made me realized that I had made these decisions, but because of fear and "what ifs" I constantly changed my plan of action. And there will always be what ifs...always.

For 2 days I thought about this and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Why would I take 10k when I have a family to try and have another baby? I could put that money towards my girls college fund. Why didn't I just stick with the plan? (Although we've figured that out now) And look at what I've drug my poor husband though.

And suddenly I knew what the answer was. I need to stick with the original plan. No matter how scary, or uncertain it is. It's the best decision for my family. Maybe I needed more time to think, or maybe it took me getting to that point to realize I would be okay if this was it. Because that's also something that I've realized. I will be okay if I don't have another baby. I will find a way to move on, because I will have to. And I am finally okay with that.

I had made all this up before talking to my husband. So as we were driving in the car a few days later and I looked at him and said "Honey, I have been thinking about this whole baby thing" he nodded his head like okay here we go again and I said "And I am starting to wonder if we (or I) should have just stuck to the original plan" HIS EYE BALLS ALMOST POPPED OUT OF HIS HEAD. He was shocked that I had taken such a step back. He agreed, as he always had, that the original plan was best.

I ended the conversation with this... "Okay, we will do the final IUI, but if I end up with triplets its all your fault"! : )  

My Poor Neglected Blog

I cant believe its been a month since I've updated my blog. This time of year in general is just so busy for us, and we've had a few unexpected curve balls in life which has left me little time to blog. Plus M has been VERY demanding of my time and wont let me spend any time on the computer, much less do anything else besides cater to her :). I'm lucky to check my email every few days, so yeah its been like that! Then now that K has been back in school, she's busy with homework, activities and play dates. Plus you know I am on the board of the PTO at her school. All of this = no time for blogging. I have been popping on every now and then to check on some of your blogs....Those of you who are expecting, those TTC, and those living the dream :)  and although I haven't had time to comment I've been thinking of you all!

Here's a quick run down of some highlights from the last month:

M was baptised! It was a beautiful day and she did great. I was worried because shes a busy toddler who's favorite words are NO, STOP, and MINE. To quote Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey "She's sweet, but just don't cross her" ; ) Don't you love that show??! Best season yet!

K top front teeth are both LOOSE! She should be toothless in no time! Cant wait to see her like that, I'm sure its going to be weird!

M got all 4 incisors in the last 4 weeks...which is another reason why you haven't seen me. This brings her grand total to 16 teeth. How many damn teeth do you have? Momma cant handle much more! She also peed on the potty for the first time!!! Although we are far from really potty training, it was so exciting.

I developed HUGE cyst after that last round of fertility treatments (my largest ever) measuring 60x60mm and was put on the pill to shrink it. After a month of bc pills, it was still 30mm last week so I am starting another pill pack today. So I m officially on a forced break. Stupid cyst! I was actually really looking forward to have a natural cycle this month with all my body has been through these last 6 months, so hopefully next month I will be hormone FREE! But TTC is on hold for now..

Ive been working a lot more, and moved my "office" here at home to our actual office so that has limited my internet time even more. Also, I've been dealing with a lot personally with the whole TTC thing (or lack thereof) and the future of our business, and so many other things. It has caused  my anxiety to increase greatly. I actually started Effex.or 2 weeks ago to help me get through these hard times, so I am hoping that will help. Anyone take it? Success? I go through phases in life where my anxiety will be worse than others, and its just one of those cycles I guess with all these stressful things going on.

And last but not least, we added a new addition to our family!! We got a new furbaby!! We adopted a 10 week old baby kitten and her name is Sweetie. K had an instant connection with her at the shelter and she has been the perfect addition to our family. She really is the perfect little cat with the best personality...not too crazy, not too shy, shes perfect! I figure if I cant have a real baby, a new furbaby is the next best thing :) We LOVE her and the girls are over the moon!

My Birthday & A Surprising Update

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog, I've had a crazy week! Monday was my birthday...you know...the big 29 I mean 26! On Friday my BFF who lives in LA decided since she had 3 days off that she would drive over and surprise me! That was the best gift ever...to be able to spend 3 days with her and her little one (who is 4 months younger than M!). I was lucky enough to spend my birthday with all the people that mean the most to me, and that's all I really wanted.  The new pink Coach bag they got me wasn't too bad either ; )  We went to Benihana's to kick off my last year in my 20's.

We took a trip to the splash pad...

and then us momma's had some 'big girl time' and went out for sushi and dessert!

Now onto the surprising update...

Monday I had an IVF consult at my clinic and tomorrow I have another one at another clinic who is offering a more competitive price for IVF right now as part of s summer special. You read that right, we *MIGHT* be doing IVF! Betcha thought I'd never say that again! I never thought I'd say that again! Nothing is set in stone, and no final decision has been made, but I am really working on getting my DH on board. He agreed to me going for the consults, and obviously is considering it.

Now it all comes down to the numbers. It costs SO much money and we are all OOP, which is why I am even consulting at another clinic- cost! Meds alone would run me 2,500-3,500!! I just don't know if in the end I can get him to agree to spending that much money, so I am trying my best to get this as cheap as possible. I have contacted a group who helps donate unopened/unexpired fertility meds to those who need it to see if anyone has anything to donate, so I have been added to the "want list". My current RE would put me on the antagonist protocal, so I need follistim or other similar stim, low dose hcg, ganirelix, and estrace. If any of you have anything left over, I can take that off your hands ; ) ANYTHING would help!

We'll see how it goes tomorrow with the other RE and then we'll go from there! If we do this, I would start birth control (21 days as part of the antagonist protocol) when I get my next period, which would be in another week or two! I just PRAY and PRAY that this works out.

CD 9- Am I Crazy?

It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.

Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's  a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.

My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.

Now I am seconding guessing my  decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.

I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.

We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!

Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.

In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?

Our Hail Mary Cycle

It's official. We are starting our final treatment cycle. This is it folks! It's our hail mary-please-god-let-it-work-or-we-will-never-have-another-baby cycle. I called into my clinic on Monday (CD 1) only to find out that my RE was on vacation. My plan was to have my CD 3 scan scheduled with my RE so we could also discuss protocol changes. Sort of a two for the price of appointment. Well once I found out he wasn't there, I told the nurse what I had in mind for this next cycle. All injects and NO clomid because of the headaches. It was so bad last cycle that I swore I would NEVER TAKE THAT DRUG AGAIN. I would rather take the shots every single day than deal with those headaches.

She said she would talk to the other RE and see if he was willing to go along with it. I wasn't so sure he'd be okay with it based off looking at my chart...I mean they are pretty conservative and given my age (28/29 next month) and the fact that I have had 2 successful pregnancies, and at my RE himself has twins, they are VERY CAREFUL with me. I get it. I don't want HOM, or even twins either, but lets loosen up the reins here a bit. The last 2 haven't worked and this is my last shot. We are using frozen sperm, so LETS DO IT! I wanna go out with a bang!

After waiting patiently for the call to get the go ahead or not, I was very surprised when they called me back and told me that they called MY RE on vacation to go over my med protocol. See? This is why I love them! They all know SO much is riding on this. They are all really rooting for me, and I just love them.

Well he went along with it! A very conservative injectable dose, but he went along with it! I start the shots today! My protocol is as follows (I will be using Bravelle again):

CD 3 : 100 units
CD 4, 6, & 8, : 75 units

Start OPK's on CD 8 (man those are the devil) and come in for monitoring on CD 11.

I started doing some reading and it seems like when people are on only injects, they start monitoring much sooner than CD 11. For those of you who have done inject IUI's- should I be worried? Do you think they should bring me in sooner? As you can see it is a very conservative dose, but I know the injects really speed things along and you can go a lot sooner.

I have never done all injects before so I am VERY interested to see how things go this time! Hoping for 3-4 nice mature follies. Follie dust please :) Lets get these eggies growing!

The Results

This mornings test was Negative.

I am Not Pregnant.

At least I can still keep my Monday morning Botox appointment (trying really hard to find a positive). Sigh.

8 Days In

And man this 2ww is driving me CRAZY! I feel like I am over analyzing everything. Every twinge, every cramp, every single sign that could possibly mean that I am pregnant. Truth is, I dont know. At least last cycle with our extremely low counts I knew our chances were slim. I knew it didn't work, I just knew it. So I spent my whole 2ww telling myself that and not worrying about it, while secretly praying for a miracle. This time I am much more hopeful!!

Because we had much more sperm this time around, in my mind we had a decent shot! And it could have really worked! So enter the 2ww hell of mind games and torture. Combine that with the nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that none of these attempts may work. That I need to be prepared to never experience pregnancy and child birth again. Never knowing what M's little sister (putting it out there already) may have looked like. And closing that whole chapter of my life. I know I have 2 beautiful girls, and believe me I know how extremely lucky I am to have them! Every night I hold each of them tightly thanking god for giving me such amazing gifts. But am I ready to say at 28 years old that I will never mother another? That is always at the back of my mind. Always. and I hate that the choice has been taken away from me. DAMN YOU INFERTILITY!!

For now my focus is making it through this week and hopefully seeing TWO glorious lines on Saturday morning!! In the mean time, I am pumping myself full of progesterone, taking a baby aspirin, drinking a big glass of POM juice every morning (something new I am trying this cycle to increase blood flow to the ute), and PRAYING!

Well Thats Something I Never Thought I'd Do

Last night we went to a big firework festival like we do every year. Well the fireworks started at 9:30, its 20 min. away, and traffic is always hell getting out of there so I thought I should bring my trigger shot with me just in case. I needed to take the shot at 10:30, so it was a close call. In the end, I am glad I brought it with me because I had to shoot up in a Circle K bathroom!

Talk about something I NEVER thought I would be doing. and boy did I feel WEIRD standing in there mixing and preparing a shot to stab myself at 10:30 at night in a grimy Circle K bathroom in a different part of town!

That's a whole different kinda junkie right there!

CD 11

Today was my first follie check and I was eager to get in because I haven't been feeling much going on in my ovaries. Usually, I feel twinges, fullness, tenderness, and bloating, All signs that something is cooking in there. This cycle, none of that despite the increase to 100mg of clomid and 3 shots of bravelle. So I was really anxious to see what I had going on.

Well I can say that I am already extremely discouraged with the cycle and I haven't even had my IUI yet. I just want my last cycle to be PERFECT and in my mind that is 3-4 nice 18mm-20mm follies and a nice thick lining and ready to go on CD 11.

Today I had a 25mm (too big?) and a 15mm on the left, and a 19mm on the right. Lining was 7. They like it to be between 7-11, so it is within that range although the lowest. I usually have a lining of at least 9.

I don't know. I just already feel like this is going to fail. I think the biggest follie is too big and really a cyst- even though the nurse insisted it wasn't. I think that the 15 can go either way, so I cant totally count that. Although it should be closer to mature by Monday. I just a wanted a few more nice targets since we are using such bad sperm. IDK, I just wanted more ideal scenario given our circumstances....

Also, the sperm guy suggested we only defrost 4 vials. He said that he didn't see the benefit of using more than that. I wasn't expecting that either. I've always thought that we would use the rest of the 9 vials with this last shot, but according to him it wouldn't increase my chances to use more than 4. Another IDK...

So I will trigger tonight at 10:30pm. We will use 4 vials per his recommendations for our IUI on Monday morning, which leaves me with 5 vials left. Good I guess because that means if this doesn't work I have 1 more attempt. A bonus since I was not expecting that but I really don't understand his logic.

I really am not feeling good about this. I know I should try and be more positive, but so much is riding on this that I just wanted it to be perfect. I would feel SO much better if it were a better looking cycle in my mind. I am just feeling so discouraged :( I hate this.