Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Update

Yes, our cycle was cancelled last week : ( I took it surprisingly well considering how intense and emotional the whole IVF process is. By the time I reached day 6 I had been to the Dr. almost every morning at 7:30-8:30, could not fit into ANY of my pants, my stomach was so sore and I had little bruises all over my tummy (which are still there BTW, but starting to go away). The extreme bloating is JUST now starting to really get better....Oh the battlefield that is IVF!

So where do we go from here? Well for now we are going to take a "break" the next month or two. We are going to see what continues to happen with DH's count because he is still on his injects. He goes back to the uro next month, and I will have to go back to the RE On CD 1 to make sure my ovaries went back down to normal. Depending on how that goes we may or may not go forward with another IVF in Dec or Jan. So until then I may not be blogging much about IF or babies. I kind of need a mental "breather" from it all. Of course we will continue to try at home during this time and you never know maybe we will get one of those "miracle break cycle BFP's".

So for now I am just focusing on my beautiful daughter and husband and taking things one day at a time. After all this, it has made me feel even more grateful and lucky to have such a perfect little girl!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

May Be Cancelled Today...

I know I have not updated my blog in almost a week.....it has been a crazy week to say the least. Not just with the IVF, but just life in general! Whew....now onto the news.

My rock star ovaries went into overdrive and it looks like I am overstimulating. I had a feeling that might happen to me considering my high antral follie counts and the fact I have never even taken clomid before, so had no idea how I would respond to injectables. So I cant say that I am shocked. Things were going (pretty) smoothly until yesterday. I have another b/w and u/s this morning to figure out where to go from here. At this point I don't even care if it gets cancelled, I am so over the stress, emotions, and discomfort from all this. I am SO bloated and seriously cant even button my pants!!

All those shots for nothing, my belly has little bruises all over it and it is so sore. Oh well. At least I did not open all my meds and they don't expire for a long time. The nurse said we can try again in Dec/Jan. if we want, which is not that far away. Or we may wait and do another S/A next month to see if DH has improved at all since being on the shots for a few months now. My DH has been great and helping me keep a postitive outlook on all of this.

We'll see what happens today. Wish me luck, and thank you for all your kind words and support through all of this!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

First Shot(s) Down...Many To Go...

OMG I was SO nervous! While prepping everything I made every excuse why I had to stop..I have to check on Kay...I have to go to the bathroom...you name it I tried it. Thank god for my DH!! He really helped me get it together, I would be lost without him. I had to do 2 shots, one on either side of my belly button. It did not hurt at all, just stung a tiny bit after. But since I have never given myself a shot before (and in my tummy no less) I had no idea what to expect.

I have a confession though, as you will see in the pics below it looks as if I gave myself the shots, when really in the end I had to have my DH do the dirty work as you can see in the last picture. I tried, but I just COULD NOT push the needle in. I will try again tonight. So without further ado, here are some pics from last nights festivites:





Thursday, October 2, 2008

All Set

I took my last BCP on Tuesday night and went in this morning for my baseline u/s, blood draw, and final teaching visit. I start follistim and my baby asprin on Saturday. I call medvoice tonight to get my starting dose and appt. time for my first follie check!

I have not been updating my blog because first I was sick and then I have not been sleeping well the last couple nights...therefore have not been my usual energetic self. Hopefully that will all change now that I got a decent nights sleep last night. YAY!

And I promise I will upload some pics soon!

**UPDATE***

Got the call...I start 150iu of follistim and 50units of low dose HCG on sat. and go in for my first follie scan on monday!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Got My Med List...Wowza~!

Yesterdays appointment was intense. Intense because it was SO much info to take in. First we paid *gulp* 10,050.00 to get going, met the IVF occorinator and we went over and signed the consents, which is a lot of info in itself considering it alone is about 20 something pages. Then we went over all the meds I will be on and when and how I will be taking them(I will get into that in minute), monitoring visits, and calendar. Then it was onto how to prepare the dosages and do an injection, etc. I have never in my life given myself a shot and I was SO very nervous about this! But after her showing me everything I feel alot better about this part of it all....although it is still quite scary to think that every night I will be giving myself up to 4 shots into my stomach! After the appointment I felt so much better, relieved I guess you could say considering I walked yesterday a nervous wreck about all this. On top of it all I have been feeling really crappy lately, like I am getting a cold and just have been really sluggish all day. I think I need a good day of rest.

So now onto the drugs....

I will start stims next Saturday using Follistim Then at some point I will be adding Ganirelix and low dose HCG to the list of daily injections. I will also be taking baby asprin and a pnv everyday. I will be going in every other day for a visit with the vag cam and to get b/w, then on CD 8 I will also start OPK's which that will be weird because I gave those up many a months ago.

When I have produced a good number of follicles I will do a trigger shot (my last shot!!) of either Ovidrel or Lupron depending on how things have progressed, have my ER, then I get to start a whole other list of meds! But at least I will be done with the shots at this point! After ER will start a oral steriod, Estrace, and a progesterone supplement(either PIO, suppositories, gels, or pills).

Stay tuned for the obligatory IVF Med pic, I am picking them up on Monday!! Now time to try and get some rest, hope everyone has a great weekend!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Check!

Today was my saline sono and mock transfer. First, I had to arrive with a full bladder which really sucked because they were running about a 1/2 hour behind this morning. He started off with the mock transfer, inserted the speculum, then the thin floppy catheter, measured the depth of my uterus and all that jazz. Very simple and painless. Then what happened next was the best part....

I finally got to pee!!! AHHHHHHH relief....Then it was onto the second round of the show.

The saline sonogram. It's basically a in depth ultra sound of the uterine cavity and tubes. He inserted another catheter, then the ballon and shot the saline through my uterus, then came the trusty vag cam to check things out in there. So I had both a catheter and the vag cam all at once...don't be jealous. It was pretty much just like the HSG, except with the vag cam too. Again, painless for me thank god.

I left with some AF like cramps, and have had them on and off today but nothing unbearable. Everything looked good, and my RE even mentioned to me that I have a "great looking uterus" and that he thinks "I am going to do great with the IVF and get lots of good eggs"!!

So now all the testing is officially done and it's onto the teaching, pay 10,000 to hopefully have a baby, and sign my life away appointment this Thursday!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Moving Right Along...

Tomorrow I will be going in for my saline sonogram and mock transfer! Yes, another day another Dr. all up in my business!! I must arrive with a full bladder at 9:00. I am really not nervous about this at all, except the fact that I will have to pee the whole time. So hopefully it is short, sweet, and to the point! Me and DH also have to take 2 antibiotics tonight with dinner tonight and 2 more with breakfast tomorrow morning. The IVF coordinator says all couples doing IVF must do this. I guess it is to prevent any bacterias that can be transmitted during regular intercourse, etc.

Tuesday DH is leaving to go on a short business trip...I hate being alone at night. So I will probably have Kaylee sleep in my bed with me, and I am sure she will love that. We'll have like a little slumber party.

I forgot to mention that the other day Kay prayed to god again for a sibling. This time it was for a brother AND a sister! It is so sad to see her want and wish for something so bad, and whats worse is that it is far out of my control. I should be able to give her that....but I can't. All I could think was "Oh she has no idea....Mommy's working on it." But I had to play it off and say once again that "When god thinks its the right time it will happen".

This has to work.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

We Got Our IVF Schedule

I talked to the IVF coordinator today and got our dates...here goes:

9/22: Mock transfer
9/25: Consent signing and inject teaching visit
9/30: Stop taking BCP
10/1: Go in for final b/w and u/s
10/4: Start injectable stimming meds!
10/12ish: ER
10/18-20ish: ET
11/1-3ish: Beta!!

AND do you know what is so totally amazing about that??? October 20th is our anniversary!! I could get knocked up that day! That would be amazing and I think it is a sign ;)

Anyways, I don't have our exact protocol or know which meds I will be taking yet, I will get those the day of our teaching visit. I have just barely started this process and already had a mini freak out today. I can really see now how IVF can be so extremely mentally and emotionally draining...and I JUST started. It truly makes me respect the women who have gone through mulitple IVF's. My hat is off to you ladies...You are my hero's!

I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

OMG...IVF #1 is starting!!!

I went in today for my IVF consult with my RE and it is official we are starting IVF#1!! I am starting BCP's tonight! Basically it came down to start now (I am on CD 3) or wait until the clinics next series of IVF which wont be until the beginging of next year. So here we go!! I can not believe this is acutally happening, I dont even think it has really hit me yet. I feel such a sense of relief and hope just thinking that I COULD be pg next month!! The dr. said that we are on the high end of the success rate due to my age, so thats great, but again there is no garuntee that the first try will work. But I am feeling very confident about all of this for the first time ever.

The hardest part to swollow is the costs. It is going to cost us $10,050 for the IVF itself, plus another 1800-3500 for the mediacation that goes along with it. And that is for ONE try. All I can do is pray that it works.

So tomorrow I should be getting a call from the IVF coordinator who will give my schedule and dates, next monday I have my sono mock, then in the next 2-3 weeks I will have my teaching visit. I can't tell you how happy I am!!!

I can not believe this is happening, I am SOOO excited but also very nervous. This is no small procdure...we are pulling out the big guns here! IVF here we come....

Friday, September 12, 2008

IVF do You?


The RE's office called today to confirm cancelling our upcoming IUI cycle this month due to DH's last S/A results...we knew that was gonna happen. They're recommendation is that we now pursue IVF w/ICSI. I knew this was going to happen, but DH was in denial until we got the call today. He cant seem to understand how bad off we really are fertility wise, considering he was once VERY fertile. I still don't think he believes this is actually happening to us. In a way I understand that because it is a lot to take in, but I also have been conditioning myself for this the last year or so because I had a feeling all along this is where we were headed. It just sucks that we have to pay nearly 20K for something that most couples can do for free in their bedroom and have fun while doing it. Make a baby that is...

On Monday the financial advisor at our clinic will be calling to do a financial consult with us over the phone to give us more information on costs and options. It is A LOT of money we are talking here and the economy is not good right now so we'll see how that goes. After that (no date set yet) we will have a IVF consult with the Dr. to go over the time line, what it involves, and to answer any questions we may have about the process.

I am not sure exactly when we will be starting, but sometime in the near future. The last week has been VERY hard on me. I have been crying every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day. I just felt so lost and in limbo. For those that know me IRL know that I am always a very happy go lucky girl, but what you don't see is a person who's emotional state is wearing thin. I want this to be over, I want the burden of infertility to be gone, I want me back.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Day That Changed The Rest of Our Lives


September 11, 2001. Every year on this day I am taken back to that dreadful morning just like it was yesterday. This is a day none of us will ever forget. A day that changed the rest of our lives, and the world forever.

That morning I was just getting out of the shower, I had class so it was just the start of another normal day for me...that is until I stepped out of the bathroom and heard the commotion on CNN. I sat down on my couch wrapped in a towel, wet hair and all and just starred at the TV in disbelief. I could not believe my eyes. I was frozen. I wanted to believe it was a accident. Then the second plane hit. And then, right then we all knew it was no accident. When the towers fell I cried uncontrollably for all of those on the planes, in the buildings, and for the rescuers risking there lives to save those trapped in the buildings who had a chance to make it out. I cried for the families that had loved ones there that day. I cried for the world that my children would now grow up in because of the events that day.

Every year on this anniversary I light a candle and say a prayer for those we lost, their families, and for those still fighting in "the war against terror" right now. I will never forget.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I was Tagged

I'm it!! I have been tagged by Jennifer who also has a little girl and is going through secondary infertility.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted

So here they are. 6 random things about me:

1) I sleep with a sound machine on every night (the sound of rain).

2) I love to cook.

3) Casino & Waiting to Exhale are my favorite movies..I have seen them both probably 100 times at least.

4) I secretly wish I was famous, or atleast had the perks!

5) I walk around feeling imcomplete, like something is missing from my life every single day. It is a horrible feeling.

6)Me and My DH met online, and from our first date I knew that we would be together.

Okay, now I tag:
Want, Wait and Praying for a Miracle
Hope is Passion for whats Possible
The Wilson's
Mya
Patty
Ambie

Monday, September 8, 2008

Totally Devastated

I got the call back from the RE's office while we were at the uro's today for my DH's b/w since being on the HCG injects(kind of ironic) and I bet you can tell from my title that it was not good. not good at all.

Total count: 300,000 (should be 20-85 MILLION)
Motility: 3% (should be more than 50%)

They did not have the results back on the morph yet, but with counts that low it doesnt really matter. 300 HUNDRED total motile sperm, thats it. I am pretty sure the RE is going to cancel our IUI. It would be a TOTAL waste of money. I dont understand why my DH's body always reacts the oppistite way as it should. Now his hormones are right but look at his S/A results. I am at a loss for words. Needless to say I am completly devastated and I cried all the way home. We cant really afford IVF right now....I dont know what I am going to do, I just cant stop crying. After all that we have been through I was so happy to be able to move forward and look what has happend. I was stupid to think that this might be it for us.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Away Again

I am in Michigan right now for my friend Eva's wedding! The rehearsal and rehearsal dinner were last night and everything was wonderful, I can wait for the wedding this evening!!

I was so busy before I left, but I did call the RE to get the S/A results and the nurse called me back and said that the report had not been written up yet and the lab people were gone, that it usually takes 10 days to get the morph results before they will make up the report...blah blah blah. She told me she would call me back the next day with some of the results because you now they have them and I never heard back from her. So guess who I will be calling monday morning? Yep..the Baby Makers office! AND.. DH goes to the uro on monday to check his levels since starting the injects! There is lots of info to look forward too. I just hope its all good!

I will be flying home tomorrow afternoon, hope every one has a great weekend : )

Monday, September 1, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Our camping trip was wonderful! It was so nice to get away from everything for the weekend and just relax and have some fun. The weather was so nice up there, but it did rain one day off and on which sucked and it was quit cold at night. It was nice to just "be" ya know...no phone, no Internet, no TV. It was nice and Kaylee told me on the way home that she loved camping and had so much fun! We really enjoyed it! Back to reality now...

I took my thermometer with me so I could still take my temp while I was gone, and I am not sure if it was the cold weather or it is just time for a new therm. but my battery died on me this morning. So I did not get today's temp. or Sat.'s ( I skipped that day) Ever since I started charting I have never really missed a day, and just recently did I stop temping during AF. Oh well...I will be getting a new thermometer tonight though! Tomorrow I am going to give the RE's office a call to see if they have DH's S/A results back. I know they said 10 days for the morph report, but they should have the other results.
I only have a few days at home until I leave on another trip. This is just a busy month all the way around for me. I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friend Eva's wedding in Michigan this Friday. So Thursday morning my flight leaves at 6 am....I hate leaving that early, but with the time change I had to get there in time for the rehearsal. I am so excited to see her and so happy for her and Ben. They just had a baby boy 3 months ago too, so I will get to meet him for the first time also!
Its going to be one crazy week.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

On The Road Again..

"Just cant wait to get on the road again.." I cant help but think of Donkey from Shrek : ) Moving on....
So tomorrow morning we are heading out for a camping trip this weekend up north! But this will not be regular camping, why you ask? Because we are too high maintenance to go "real" camping so we rented a RV! This will be the first time me or DH have done this....camping in a RV that is. We are really looking forward to it! We are going with a group of family and friends that all have RV's too. We will be picking it up later today, packing it up tonight, and leaving in the morning! The RV we rented looks similar to the one pictured and has all the amenities of home...
On the IF front, I dropped off DH's sample this morning at the RE's office so I will be anxiously awaiting to hear the results. I am really really curious to see if the new meds are helping out his swimmers at all yet. Even though I know it takes 3 months for the sperm population to turn over, it would be a nice surprise!!
I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday weekend!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

We Have a Plan

I am back from the baby maker and armed with a plan!!

Next cycle we will be doing IUI, or intra uterine insemination. I will be taking 50mg. of clomid to induce ovulation, then when the time is right I will get a trigger shot to make me ovulate, then they will shoot DH's prepped sperm directly into my uterus....all this for a grand total of 770 dollars! Oh it feel so good to have a plan and finally feel like we are being proactive, even though with our MFI we still wont have as high of a success rate with IUI as a couple without MFI. We still feel like we should try this before jumping right to IVF, the RE agrees since we are all OOP.

Here is my only worry. Based on my usual cycle length DH may be out of town right around the time when my IUI should take place. Can you believe that shit? Out of all the days of the month, and the one cycle that we are doing treatments he will going away on business (he NEVER travels). He will only be gone 2 days so that makes it easier. I just have to HOPE AND PRAY PRAY PRAY that the timing works out for us. Alot is riding on when I start AF, so we'll see. It is going to going in the back of my mind, and yes I am worried about it but it is out of my control.

Before any of this happens the RE wants DH to get another S/A, which he will get this Thursday. He just wants to see if there is any improvement so far since being on the new meds. Hopefully we will see a improvement! If there is a improvement that will increase our odds of this working. So I am looking forward to that!!

Hormonally I am fine, everything came back normal. Even my prolactin level that they re tested came back fine the second time so thats good. Who knows why I don't ovulate, and the Dr. was not too concerned about it, his only response was "Don't worry we will induce ovulation" I still am on the fence about why I dont ovualte but whatev.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Life With a 4 Year Old

Is very interesting to say the least!! This is such a fun age but with that comes a whole new set of challenges. Its funny because as soon as you get used to one age or stage and get into the hang of things...they change on you and you have a whole new list of things to adapt too! It never ends, but it is rewarding to watch them learn and grow into little human beings. Right now Kay is really showing her independence. She wants to pour her own drinks, make her own cereal, wash her own hair. It makes me sad because it make me realize that she is growing up! She also thinks she knows everything, yet is also starting to ask A LOT of questions about everything. Like "How does the mailman know to bring the mail to our mailbox" followed by "Why does every house have a number", its funny because sometimes I don't have answers for all her little questions. It is hard to try to explain something that is SO SIMPLE to me. But I do the best I can and am trying to prepare myself for what she could possibly want to know about next. I am trying to expose her to as much as possible right now while she wants to absorb everything.

It is also a very dramatic, emotional, everything is SUCH big deal, age...which is funny at times. I can already see how mothers and daughter can not be the best of friends at times because last Saturday me and her were fighting like we were both 15 year old girls that were mad at each other. Oh the DRAMA! It was all because we were running late and she REFUSED to wear what I had out for her, which is normally would not be a big deal because I let her pick between a couple outfits, but this particular morning we did not have time for that. Then she would not let me help her put her cloths or shoes on. I mean we were LATE and all I could do was stand back and watch her INSIST that he skirt was on right, when in fact it was on backwards. Hey, you learn to pick your battles..I have learned that one the hard way. So we left, backwards skirt and all.

Another reason why I love this age so far is that now we can do fun things that not only she appreciates more but will also remember. We are starting to implement more traditions. Like recently we started "Friday Family Movie Fun Night" and boy does she look forward to that! Every Friday evening we go to blockbuster and she is allowed to pick out a movie (this last week it was Underdog) and then we get takeout from a place of her choice. Then we all sit together as a family, eat popcorn and enjoy the movie. I just want her to look back on her childhood and it be filled with great memories of things like that, because it is the little things that count not all the toys and trips, etc. She is just growing into this sweet, gracious, loving, dramatic : ) little girl and sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to enjoy these stages a little longer.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Is it Tuesday Yet?

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. This can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

Oh this is a quality I wish I was better at. Being patient....but the whole without becoming annoyed or upset part is where I go wrong. Infertility is sad lonely place filled with lots and lots of waiting and the longer you are faced with infertility the thinner the patience wears it seems. All you can do it take one day at a time and hope it goes by fast. It sucks because aside from this I live a very fulfilled and happy life, but the beast that is infertility forces me to want to rush though it at times. Can you imagine all that waiting only to be disappointed month after month after month. This has been my life for the past 13 months and there are women out there that have done this for YEARS. It is truly heartbreaking......but enough of my rambling.

Tuesday is my follow up RE appointment!! We will go over all of our test results and come up with a treatment plan. I am curious to know what all my b/w shows considering I am 26, healthy but have only ovulated once since January and if my prolactin still came back elevated. We'll see what the doctor says but I am just excited to actually get a chance to move in the right direction finally!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Favorite Thing

I discovered these last year and have been hooked ever since!! Even my DH who is a very picky eater LOVES these Banana Crisps from Trader Joe's! So I was very sad that while shopping there yesterday I could not find them and began to panic. It turns out that they were just out of stock and that they would have them back in soon. Thank god!! It is 3 different kinds of banana's that are very thinly sliced and lightly sweetened. It is like eating potato chips and honestly I think that they are better than potato chips!! Not to mention that they are a much healthier option. But beware because they are just as addictive : )

Monday, August 18, 2008

My HSG Report

I am happy to report that my uterus looks great and I have no blockages in either of my tubes!!

Many of you know how nervous I was about getting this test done...mainly I was scared of the pain. I didn't feel a THING! Not one cramp or twinge of pain the entire time! The only uncomfortable part was when he inserted the speculum, but again not painful just uncomfortable. Once he did that he prepped my cervix by putting some numbing gel on it and let that sit for a few minutes. Then he inserted the catheter and told me that once he starts to put the dye in to let him know where I was pain wise and we would go from there.

As I laid there getting ready to embrace the pain, I started seeing the dye go in on the screen above me then I thought...is this it? When does the painful part start? I asked him and he said that was it! Okay cool...I can handle this. After all the dye was in he tilted my uterus in different positions, took a series of pictures, and then that was it over. He had to put some pressure on my cervix because I started bleeding (which is normal) and after a few minutes I went and got dressed. The whole procedure lasted maybe 20-25 minutes. Wow, all that worry for nothing..I feel so relieved to know that it is over and everything looks good.

I am having some AF type cramps and spotting now but other than that I am good!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Tomorrow is my HSG!

Or what I like to call "my scary test". I was really dreading having it done after reading about many others experiences about about how extremely painful it is. Now that I have had to wait a long cycle out due to the cyst, I am actually looking forward to it. No, not the pain or excitement (insert sarcasm here) of having dye forced through my uterus, but the fact that this test will bring me one step closer to having a baby. I would do anything if it meant me finally getting PG.

So hopefully it wont be so bad and everything will look as it should. Click here to read more about the HSG test for those who are unfamiliar with it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Attack of the Fertiles

They are EVERYWHERE.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by fertile women their pregnancies and/or their kid(s), yes that is plural because either they have 2 or more children already, or a 1-3 year old and one on the way. I feel almost as if they are flaunting the fact that they are fertile and I am not.

I took Kay to a popular play area here the other day and I was defiantly the minority. These places are the breeding ground for fertiles. I was the ONLY one out of say 30-40 moms that only had ONE child and was NOT pregnant. It breaks my heart being anywhere like that now because all I see is siblings playing together and pregnant moms. While I was there I struck up a few conversations with some other mothers. I always get the obligatory "Is she your only one?" but today it was more than that, great more people reminding that I am the infertile minority. This time it was "You decided to have only one huh?". "She really wants a sibling mom you should give her one" and "She is so pretty you HAVE to have another one" GEE if it were only that easy.....

Needless to say it was a hard day. Fertiles just don't understand. I envy the fact that they can just say "Oh honey lets have another baby" and have sex (wow what a concept!) and BAM they are pregnant. These women have no idea how lucky they are.....

My DH always tries to tell me not to think about it...well the truth is that I cant escape it. Everywhere I go, no matter what time of the day, there they are.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Great Debate

Many of you know that I am a vegetarian. I chose not to eat meat, dairy, or eggs because of the things our meat industry pumps into our cows, pigs, and chickens simply to increase there profits and due to the unethical treatment of these animals. It is a personal choice, and one that I do not push anyone. Not my husband, or even my own child for that matter. I am not going to deny Kaylee chicken or ham because she likes it. When she gets older she can make her own choice, but for now as her parent I am going to at least make sure she is putting the best food into her body. I buy them only organic, steroid free, range free, hormone free, and antibiotic free meat, eggs, and milk. I certainly don't want Kay growing boobs at 8 years old or starting her period at 9 because she has been pumped with hormones since the age of 2. These are all things I feel have been brought on in recent years by all the hormones, etc. they shoot into the animals. It is the same concept as women on hormones gaining weight while doing doing fertility treatments..same thing with animals, except for then we eat them. Yeah..

Think about it, the more meat they make, the more they sell, the more money they make. So they do what ever they can to increase the meat production and they don't give a shit what they have to do to get there, not to mention how they actually treat these animal. If I told you half the things I have researched you would be APPALLED. It is a business just like any other business, they want to make money! These are things we put into our bodies and feed to our children. They should give a shit but they don't. And don't for a second think that you have the USDA on your side keeping your food safe because they don't give a shit either. The USDA has been accused of overlooking these practices, lying about lab reports, altering records, and pressuring staff to lie about these events. They are business first and safety last. I could go on about this for days because I am very passionate about this but I wont do that to you. So all I ask, and for your own good, is that if your going eat meat at least be aware of what you are putting into your body...Now onto the Great Debate....

My husband is adimit that when I get pregnant with our child that I HAVE to eat meat. He thinks there is no way that I can be pregnant and have a healthy child without eating meat and getting protein. First of all, that is NOT going to happen. I will not start eating meat just because I get PG. Second, I did not eat meat when I was PG with Kaylee and she turned out just fine. She weighed 7lbs 3oz at birth and didn't have a third arm growing out of her head. The bottom line is that he can not argue with me about it because he is not informed about it. I, being a vegetarian know what foods I have to eat to get the proper protein I need daily. He has no clue. There are a lot of myths about protein. Most people seem to think that we as humans need ALL THIS PROTEIN in our diet and that is just false. Yes, I know too little is not good for you, but so is too much. Especially the dead animal flesh kind. With a well balanced proper diet, vegetarians get plenty of protein they need. I am doing my best to try and educate him about this but it really frustrates me when he try's to demand I eat meat when I am carrying his child. I think the only way I will ever really get through to him is by having my Dr. talk to him about it.

Until then..every night at the dinner table.....The Great Debate will continue.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

One Month


That is how long I have been smoke free! It is has been exactly one month and one day since I had my last cigarette and I don't miss it at all!! All my cravings are gone, and I actually think it is disgusting and stinky now. It is hard to believe that the smell that is making me gag now, is the same smell that a month ago I longed for.

I really do think that I will never smoke again. This time feels different from all the other times I tried to quit. I am very proud of myself and think I can now officially call myself a NON-SMOKER!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Finally Some Good News!

I am happy to report that I had my u/s this morning and my cyst is GONE! I am so thankful and happy that we finally have some good news because I don't think I would have been able to handle more bad news right now!! So YAY we can finally start taking steps in the right direction!

Some interesting news I found out is that when I had my b/w done last cycle my prolactin level came back elevated. Prolactin is a hormone from the pituitary gland and is primarily produced in lactating women. WTF?! They did say that it was only elevated by a point or 2, but they were going to re test it today along with all my other b/w that I needed to get done. So we'll see.

Now I can move forward and get my other testing finished! I have my HSG scheduled for next Monday the 18th, and then a follow up appointment with my RE on the 26th to go over all my test results and come up with a PLAN!!! I am so happy and excited that hopefully next cycle we will be doing some sort of treatment!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

You Like?

So I decided to break away from the standard blogger template. Mine just looked so blah. The things is that I did not want to totally change it so I tried to stay with the same sort of colors, font, etc. Maybe I am just a creature of habit. I hope everyone likes it! And most importantly I still want it to be easy to read, so if you have any thoughts or suggestions please leave a comment!

Me and my husband on going on a date night tonight to see Bill Maher. We really like watching his show on HBO so we are really looking forward to it!

Then its off to go get vag cammed in the morning : )

Friday, August 8, 2008

Got The Call Back

They did not have any openings today, so I am going in on Sunday morning at 8:45 am! They had a opening tomorrow morning, but Kay has dance class and it is the first one of the new dance school year so she cant miss it.

So Sunday it is! I will update after my appointment. Wish me luck!

A New Leaf

After a 36 day cycle the bitch finally showed up this morning!!! Thank god!

Today is offically CD1 of what hopefully will be a new chapter! I left a message with the nurses line and hopefully I will be able to get in today for my baseline stuff and cyst check. I don't want to waste another day "waiting" so I really hope they can fit me in somewhere. I pray that the cyst is gone and we can get the baby ball rolling.....finally.

I also want to have a meeting with the RE to go over my DH's S/A results and see what he thinks about us trying IUI's. DH is not ready financially for IVF just yet (we are all OOP) but is okay with IUI's for now. He knows that the HCG injects are helping, he can feel it, and there are other signs that it is working too. So we are hoping that the Dr. agrees and maybe we have a good chance with IUI's.

We'll see!!

"He who has hope has everything." - Arabian Proverb

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Fertile vs. Infertile Women

I saw this somewhere and had to share...sad but SO true!!


Faint line at 11dpo
Fertile Woman: “I’m pregnant!” (tells friends, family and sticks a pregnancy ticker on her siggy)
IF Woman: “It’s probably a false positive….”

Strong line at 15dpo
Fertile Woman: Picking names…
IF Woman: “I’m not pregnant until its official with a beta”

Beta #1 comes back great
Fertile Woman: “I’m sure its twins”
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a doubling beta”

Beta doubles
Fertile Woman: Starts working on designs for the nursery
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a heartbeat”

Heartbeat
Fertile Woman: Starts shopping for maternity clothes…
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I’m past the first trimester…”

End of First Trimester
Fertile Woman: “I can’t wait to know boy or girl already!”
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until my amnio comes back OK….”

End of Second Trimester
Fertile Woman: Has a baby shower
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief till I’m clear for gestational diabetes and Rh antibodies…”

Third Trimester
Fertile Woman: “Pregnancy sucks. I can’t wait till he/she is here already”
IF Woman: “Wow.. I actually may be pregnant..!”

Birth of the baby
Fertile Woman: “We have a baby!”
IF Woman: “We have a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Are You Kidding Me?

I CAN NOT GET AWAY FROM BABIES. I swear the fertile world is against me. This is on my dashboard here on blogger.com

The latest from Blogger Buzz
Blogger Babies
August 4, 2008 —
permalink
Babies are all the buzz at Blogger. Within the last few months we've had three new additions to the Blogger Team: Ryan, Aditya, and Haley. Although it'll probably be a few years before they start sounding off themselves, we get to post some cute pics of them now.

Great, now even the place come to vent about infertility is putting babies in my face. Thanks a lot blogger!

CD 34 and The Secret

AGHHH! I am now on CD 34 and still no AF. For you charters out there, I did have tiny temp drop today but nothing significant. Damn it! The longest cycle I have ever had was 35 days, and here I am on CD 34 and no sign of her yet. This is not even right. I don't think I have ever wanted AF so badly and here I am with what probably will be my record for longest cycle. GO FIGURE! I better have another temp dip tomorrow or I am going to go postal. I am not even nervous about the scary HSG test anymore, I actually WANT to get it done. That will mean that I will finally be on my way to some answers and some sort of treatment.

I am really trying to be positive, but after being kicked when your down so many times it makes it really hard. Every time I get like this (bitter and negative) I pick up The Secret and read it again. It always puts me back in a good place again, but I let my friend Ambie borrow it, so I don't have it now. I am a firm believer in that you get what you put out there, so if you are negative all the time, negative things will happen to you and vice versa. I don't believe in everything that the book says, but the general message. I don't believe, for example, that if you THINK you are skinny, that you will be and that's it. I do believe however that if you think that your body is a gift and and that you deserve it, and that food is nourishment for your body you will be thinner because you will make better food choices.

If you wake up thinking bad or negative thoughts and think to yourself "I am going to have a bad day today" do you think you are going to have a good happy day? NO! Your going to have a shitty day because you started your day off like that. You get what you put out there. You set yourself up for a terrible day. If you wake up and the first thing you do is be thankful for all the good and wonderful things in your life I guarantee you will have a better day. It really does make a difference in your life having that kind of mind frame all the time!! You are the only one that is in charge of YOU. You are the only one that can control how you feel, what kind of outlook you are going to have, and your life. It is also very easy to get off track and let the negativity from day to day life take over, but like anything else it is how you acknowledge that and move on from difficult times that define you.

So for those of you that have not read The Secret I suggest you pick it up!! Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to wake up with a more positive outlook, be thankful for all that I do have, and hopefully start my period : )

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I go onto the success after IF board once in a while to follow up on some of the TTTC'ers who have graduated but EVERY time I end up leaving depressed and on the verge of tears. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY happy for these women!!! These aren't the usual fertiles I am jealous of, each and everyone of those women deserves this and I am truly overjoyed for them. If I could personally congratulate each one of them I would. They all have dealt with IF and know what a miracle pregnancy actually is and how lucky they are. They also give me hope because they have over come their challenges with infertility and all gotten pregnant. So that's not the issue...

I just get so sad being overwhelmed with all the pregnancy tickers, belly shots, u/s pics, due dates, and baby pics. I just want to be one of them so bad and for this horrible chapter in my life to be over.

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but I cant possibly see any reason why this is happening to me or what good can come out of struggling with infertility. It is simply not fair.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me

WOW another year older! I am turning 26 today, and although I am not nearly as freaked out as when I turned 25, it is still crazy to think that I am 26. Another year closer to 30. YIKES! Not that I think that is old, because it is not old at all!! I just cant imagine ME being that age. I really do think that 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and so on.

Birthdays have always been a really big deal to me. I am not sure if it is because I was pretty much a only child and was spoiled rotten on every birthday as a child or what, but even as a adult my birthday celebrations last AT LEAST 3-4 days prior and post my actual birthday.

So it all started 2 days ago. I went to the most upscale mall here and got my new Michael Kors bag and spent the day shopping. It was for quitting smoking and my birthday gift sort of thing. They did not have the exact one I wanted (it sold out), but I gone one that was equally fabulous!!! It is so new, that the ad campaign for it is not even out yet! So I am VERY excited about my new purse....made me a very happy girl. I got a few other things as well. It was a nice day of retail therapy for me.

Since today is my actual birthday today I am having a dinner with my family at an old Italian spot here. It has been a family favorite for years now and it will be nice to have everyone together to celebrate. Then tomorrow night my parents are keeping Kaylee and DH is taking me to Trader Vic's. I have been DIEING to go there since it opened, so I am very excited!! So all in all it should be a great birthday this year.

P.S. I am on CD 30 and still waiting for AF! I have been PMSing pretty bad so hopefully she shows up soon before I kill someone.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Celebrities and Infertility

Someone posted this on a infertility message board I frequent. I thought it was very interesting. I was surprised at some of the stars that are on the list and had no idea about their IF!

Click here to read

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Better Today

So last night I did not have any cramps or pain, and none today either. I am still a little bloated but not nearly as bad as yesterday and my uterus still feels sensitive too. I don't really know how to describe it, it is a weird sensation. Anyways, I am not totally freaked out anymore.

Now....COME ON AF!!! Lets get this show on the road!

Monday, July 28, 2008

What's Going On Now?

For the last 2 days I have have weird pains/cramps near my left ovary. I had it all day yesterday and it woke me up the night before last. I woke up again last night at 2 am with terrible cramps and decided to take a hot bath...yes at 2 am. I don't have a heating pad, so that was the next best thing.

All day today I have been REALLY bloated, and my uterus feels super sensitive. These things are not normal for me so I am not sure what to think. Yesterday I was thinking it was because I didn't not ovulate again and maybe I was having pains because my body was trying to? I don't know. At one point today my hubby started rubbing my tummy and said "Oh baby" like there was a baby in there and joked that I really looked PG. For that one split second I could see what it would be like if I was actually PG, it was quite depressing actually.

The RE's office said I could come in in the morning to get checked out if I would like, but the only appointment they had was at their office across town (they have 4 offices in my city). I told them I didn't think I could make it and that I would see how things go tonight. I am on CD 26, and my cycles are usually 30-35 days. I am hoping I get AF soon so I can go back in to get my cyst checked and hopefully finish out my b/w.

I don't know what is going on with my body now. Weird.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Favorite Things



I wanted to share with you all one of my favorite things right now. Lancome's Flash Bronzer Airbrush I am now hooked on this stuff! I have never been a fan of self tanners in the past, but this one is different. It is a aerosol spray, meaning no streaks and you can get those hard to reach places! Perfect color so you have a great natural looking tan in one hour!! I seriously love it!!





I also use Lancome's Flash Bronzer Face Gel when I do the self tan. You surly don't want a tan body and a white face. This stuff is great, it has vitamin E, is very light weight, and doesn't clog your pores. Once it is on you cant even tell you put anything on your face.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

First One Down


My DH did his first injection yesterday and surprisingly he said it was not bad!! We'll see how he feels after 100's more of them. He must really love me because that needle goes in deep and has to go into the muscle of his thigh or butt. I don't know if I have said this before but he already has 2 children of his own and I have Kaylee, so he would be fine not having anymore kids. He is doing this all for me. I made it very clear on our first date that 1) I wanted to get married and 2) I wanted to have another child. Those were my deal breakers and he knew it. After being together for a while, he told me one day that "I love Kaylee so much and think it would be really neat for us to have one together". I just love him so much for going through all of this and being so supportive the entire way. He tells me it WILL happen, who cares if we need medical help, we WILL have a child together.

When dealing with infertility you go through periods of being really hopeful and periods of being extremely bitter. Well since Thursday I have been really bitter about the whole thing. I mean I know we are doing what we can to fix DH enough, but what have we actually done to get PG?? NOTHING! Not one thing!! I think I would feel SO much better if we could just TRY something, even if it would fail at least we would be TRYING instead of just waiting...waiting...waiting.... like we have done the last 6 months!! I am sick of waiting!! I want to start trying something!

I am waiting (story of my life) to get my period so I can get my cyst checked and HOPEFULLY move forward with my testing. If the cyst is gone I can get my HSG, and all the rest of my b/w that I need to get done. If the cyst is still there I don't know what they are going to do. Probably put me on the pill to help it go down or surgically remove it. It better be gone!! With the size that is was I am not sure. I just want to find out what is wrong with me. Why don't I ovulate??? UGH!!! Ya know at least if I ovualted we could be trying at home every month...but NO cant even do that.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The S/A Results....

We went in today to go over the results of my DH's S/A and to start him on the 3x weekly HCG injections. Man I was nervous wreck in the waiting room. All of his hormones are still REALLY REALLY low. Here are the results of the S/A:

Count: 45 ml (normal)
Volume: 1.9 ml
Motility: 11% (really low)
Morph (Kruger Strict) 14% (low)
pH: 8.6 (too high)
Viscosity: Slightly increased

We were very surprised he had that many sperm given his testosterone was 36!! Normal is above 240. But with the motility being SO low, our only option right now is IVF. So really he only has 8 ml. mobile sperm and that is really low, not even enough to try IUI, and almost impossible to get PG naturally (and even if we could I dont ovulate!)!! He is starting the injects today and will get F/U B/W in one month from now, and hopefully his hormones will be up. He will get another S/A in 3 more months, and I pray pray pray this helps so we can at least be able to do IUI's instead of jumping right to IVF. Right now is a really bad time financially with my DH buying commerical property and all and we would not be able to fork over 14 grand today. We are giving this one last shot. I REALLY hope it helps!! I will be CRUSHED if we wait another 3 months trying something else that fails....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Catching Up

We got home from Las Vegas yesterday afternoon. We had such a great trip!!! We saw and did lots of fun things and the girls had a blast together!! I was happy to come home though...4 days in Vegas is enough, plus not working out and eating at all those yummy buffets was starting to get to me. I went for a gooooood workout this morning to try and make up for it all. (the pic above is from dinner at Ah Sin Sushi at The Paris) I will post some more pics from Vegas later.

So tomorrow is Dooms Day- or the follow up visit with the Uro after my DH's S/A last week. I wasn't nervous until today, and now I am a wreck!! I am just really hoping that he has some swimmers in there. So please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow!!
Also, I got the news today that DH's daughter (the one who is PG with her 2nd set of twins, see prior posts for details and the full story) is having a boy and a girl. GREAT for them, 2 more they cant afford. But they will be finally getting that boy they have been hoping for ((((shoot me now)))). When Justin (Dh's son) told me that it was like a knife going in my chest. It just makes me physically sick hearing ANYTHING about her and this PG...mainly due to their circumstances and what we are going through. I have never been so un-happy about someones pregnancy. I am not this bitter with others, but with her I am. I guess it is because we supported them when she was PG the last time with the twins, or the fact that they will now have 5 children they cant afford and we cant even have one, or the fact that she is family and DH's daughter so I have no way to NOT hear about it...IDK, either way it sucks.

Friday, July 18, 2008

**Viva Las Vegas**

Me, Kay, her BFF, and her mom are going to Las Vegas in the morning for a girls weekend! The girls are SO excited and we are really looking forward to it! We will be spending the days by the pool, shopping, and we have lots of fun stuff planned for the girls. We are going to take them to the Secret Garden at the Mirage, the M&M Store, the Excalibur, and more.

One thing I think is really cute is that every night for dinner we plan on all dressing up, even the girls. Since it is their first girls weekend and all it is in order : ) So today I will be packing and getting us ready because we have a early flight to catch.

I am looking forward to this. With the results of DH's S/A looming over my head and everything else, I need a good distraction. And of course I found out yesterday that someone else I know is PG and I am just sure how much more I can take.

I will post pics when I return!! Oh and P.S. today is day 4 of not smoking and I am doing great, each day has gotten a little easier.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dum Dum Dum

Tomorrow is DH's S/A!!!

I have to drop his sample off in the morning sometime. I just hope that he doesn't give me any trouble about doing it since he has tried to use just about every excuse already why he doesn't want to/cant do it. I know it is a mental thing with him, but it HAS to be done for us to move forward in any way.

I will be waiting anxiously for the results! I am not sure how long it is going to take to get them back. We do have a appointment with the uro next week to go over everything and discuss the next steps, but hopefully I can get the results before then.

Wish my DH luck!! A lot of decisions are boiling down to these results. Stay tuned....

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Weight Loss & Smoking Update

First lets start off with the smoking. I haven't a cig today and I am doing pretty good. I am having some seriously bouts of agitation, but I bought some nicorette gum that is really helping take the edge off!! I can do this!! Before I quit I was kinda worried that I would gain weight, especially since I just worked my ass off to loose my extra weight. Well today, so far so good hunger wise. I WILL NOT replace cigarettes with food or snacking, I have worked too hard. So hopefully the following days are like today diet wise, no different than normal. Overall its been a tough day so far, but I will get through it. Thats one good thing about me, when I want something NOTHING stands in my way! I am a pretty motivated person. I have warned everyone to bare with me for these first couple days though.

Now onto the weight loss......

I DID IT! I reached my goal weight of 108 pounds!! I lost a total of 14 pounds in the last 2(ish) months!! I feel great, and my body looks the way I am used to it looking...slim and toned! I stuck to my diet (except my 1 cheat meal a week), went to the gym 5-6 days a week, and I accomplished my goal!! Now I am thinking that I want to get down to 105 pounds. That is my all time dream weight, and since I am only 3 pounds away, why not? I want to be in the BEST shape of my life before my next pregnancy (if that ever happens) so I can continue to workout and eat right while I am PG. So I think I will drop the 3 pounds, and then maintain by loosening up on my diet, but continuing to workout. If I workout 5-6 days a week I can eat what ever I want and not gain weight, but I wont loose weight either I will just maintain which is good for me : )

YIPPEEEE! SO many positive changes in my life. I am quitting smoking, I have lost weight, I eat healthier and almost all organic, and my DH and I are finally getting somewhere on this house with the city. Now if we could just get PG life would be perfect!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Infertility's Common Thread


Click here to read about the history of Infertility's Common Thread. I will be getting mine tomorrow!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Is God Listening?

Just now me and Kay were outside and she asked me when she was going to have a brother and a sister (yes, she wants one of each). I told her that I didn't know, but that I was working on trying to get her one. She asked me why I didn't have a baby in my tummy yet, and how will it get in there? I proceeded to tell her the same story as last time she asked, that babies start out as small as a seed and that mommy doesn't have a seed yet. She told me that she would go get me a seed so I could grow a baby. I told her that she cant but when god thinks the time is right he will give one to me and then she can finally have a little brother or a sister.

And then the sweetest, saddest thing happened.

She folded her little hands, closed her eyes tightly and said:

"Dear god, thank you for my beautiful family and thank you for my mommy. Can you please please give me a brother or a sister, I really want a brother or a sister. With liberty and justice for all. Amen"

I laughed that she added the end of the pledge of allegiance, but it was so sad for me to see her praying so hard and so sweet for a sibling. I was holding back the tears.

All I can do is pray that god will answer her prayers.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What To Expect When Your NOT Expecting

I saw a blog that had this as a title and it really got me thinking. Parenting is like infertility in a lot of ways. Here are a few examples:

1) Babies don't come with a handbook and neither does infertility.
2) You never REALLY know what its like or how it feels unless you have experienced it.
3) You don't know what to expect, or how things are going to work out because you have never done it before.

I wish there was a manual for how to deal with infertility, or something that tells you exactly what you are going to have to do to fix it. Sort of like the "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book. It tells you each month throughout your pregnancy the things that can and will arise each month, what things to worry about, things to disregard, and how to prepare yourself and body for birth, etc.

BUT

there is no book about What To Expect When Your NOT expecting and I think there should be! Maybe the author of those books will find my blog and consider it. That's all.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My Little Princess

Here are a few random pictures of Kay from the other night. She was taking some medicine (she had a little cold) getting ready for her story time and then her beauty sleep as she likes to call it : ) It's our normal nightly routine: bath, snack, story, then lights out at 8:00-8:15 every night!






I Quit!

Last week I decided I want to quit smoking again. Yes, again. I have quit 3 times and once for a whole year (when I got pg with Kaylee). I have just had enough and am tired of it. Last time I quit my Dr. gave me the Nicitrol Inhaler. They are shaped like cigarettes and you inhale nicotine, which REALLY helped me with the physical addiction. So he gave me another script and go figure insurance wont cover it. It was 195 dollars....forget that. So I have decided I will just use the gum or something else a little cheaper this time.


My DH said after I have quit for 4 days I can get a new purse!! I love him. For those that don't know, I am OBSESSED with handbags and have a pretty nice collection! So I have had my eye on this new Michael Kors bag and this is going to be my motivation!


I set a date.....Monday July14th is the day I am going to quit!! Until then I am going to try and cut back to prepare myself. I know I can do it because I have done it before...the trick for me is STAYING quit when life gets tough. The last 3 times I started back up again was due to major stress in my life. Bare with me as I may be a bitch next week....you have been warned!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

My 4th of July Festivites

We hosted a BBQ last night for about 20 people...man it is always so hectic preparing for any event, especially since I am a perfectionist when it comes to party planning, decorating, and the menu (I cooked all the food). I cooked and cleaned all day but everything turned out great! Everyone loved the food (and grilled avocado, tomato, and red onion salad was a HUGE hit!!) and had a great time.
3 different people asked me last night if I was pregnant, or when we were going to have a baby, or if we were trying. I hate when people ask because I have to keep a normal happy Lisa face and flat out LIE. "Oh yeah, were trying no biggie when it happens it happens" or "Yeah were going to have another one..very nonchalantly" I hate having to lie, and it is quite hard for me to act all normal because this has been a VERY emotionally hard week for me. Every time someone asks me those dreaded questions my stomach sinks....if they only knew. Now I am getting to a point that when we are around a large group or family I am just praying that no one asks.

When everyone left I told my DH and he was surprised that so many people asked me..and he asked if I was okay. I told him that I hate having to lie, but I understand that this is very personal and I don't want everyone knowing all of our issues. He said next time someone asks to just tell them that we are trying but we are having some problems. I agree, but you know when I tell someone that they are going to ask "What kind of problems?" and then what the hell am I gonna say? Its like opening a can of worms....infertile worms.

But last night turned out wonderful!! All the kids (there were about 10 here) had a blast and enjoyed the fireworks, of course Kaylee loved having other children around to play with....now if I had only remembered to take pics. Shoot!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Will It Ever End?

As soon as I think we are on our way to having a baby (finally!) something ALWAYS stands in the way. We found out that we were infertile 7 months ago and what have we done to actually GET PG?? NOTHING! NOT ONE THING.

First it was my DH's old meds..then we had to wait, then it was the clomid..then that didnt work, then they increase the does..then that didn't work...then I was going to get all my tests done so we could start treatments..then we found the cyst so now I cant finish....AGGGHHHHHH!!! So now we have to wait longer before we can even start. I swear I am starting to wonder if this will ever end. I just want to START A TREATMENT, then at least we will be trying to have a baby. I am tired of waiting and it's killing me.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Houston We Have a Problem

Today I started AF, so I had to go in for the start of my testing. Today's testing was a baseline internal u/s and b/w. So I arrive at my RE's office ready to rock and roll and little did I know what I was about to find out.

I get undressed and am waiting on the exam table for the nurse to come in and start my u/s. There is a large screen on the wall where I can see the u/s too, so I thought that was cool. I have never had a internal u/s without a baby inside me before so I was very interested to see how everything looked in there.

The nurse walks in and we begin. As soon as she put the wand inside me she said "WOW, whatcha got in there?" the FIRST thing that popped into my mind was "OMG is there a baby in there??" I said back to her "I don't know what is it" she says "Well it looks like you have a big cyst on one of your ovaries" WHAT?!? I do?? I asked her how big it was and she said that is was pretty large. She asked me if I have had any pain or anything like that, and I said no because I haven't. So she does her thing and takes all her measurements, and then goes back to measure the cyst. The cyst looked like the size of a apricot, or a big lime/lemon...a big black circle on the screen. She could not even see that ovary because the cyst was covering it up.

She moves on to check out my left ovary and its normal, everything looked good. But I did have some follicles in there (when you are on AF, your not supposed to have any in there) She began to count and measure them....and I have 21 follicles in there!! another WHAT?!? To have that many in there is CRAZY. She said to me "You don't ovulate do you?" NOPE, sure don't, so she said they have just been collecting in there and never releasing. But the good news is that means I don't have a low ovarian reserve (I have a good, normal amount of eggs, but just don't ovulate)If my husband didn't have male factor I would be sleeping in another room....because you know if I ever do ovulate it WILL be more than one egg. That really freaked me out.

So because of the cyst they had to cancel my HSG coming up because the dye being shot up there could cause that ovary to twist, or even cause the cyst to explode. They want me to come back for a cyst check and either it can go away on its own (which I doubt being the size that it is and my luck), give me meds to reduce it, or have it surgically removed. We can not do ANY treatments until the cyst is taken care of. I am supposed to get a call from one of the Dr.'s about what they want me to do next. I was also instructed to call if I start having ANY pain at all, because it could rupture.

Nothing with my fertility issues ever goes smoothly, but I was totally NOT expecting all this. I do however feel some sense of relief because at least I am getting some answers. I have known that I haven't been ovulating for the past 9 months now, so I KNEW something was wrong with me but I would have never guessed I had a cyst. Who knows how long its been there.

I will update when I hear from the Dr. although because of the holiday it may not be until Monday.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My 4th of July Menu

For the last 3 years we have done a BBQ at our house for 4th of July. We have a great view from our deck to watch all the fireworks! I LOVE to cook and am always looking forward to trying new recipes and entertaining! So I thought I would share my menu that I am serving this year.

Grilled Chicken w/Lemon, Garlic, and Oregano
Ingredients:
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice,1/4 cup finely chopped fresh oregano, 2 tablespoons minced garlic, 2 tablespoons kosher salt, 2 teaspoons black pepper, 1/3 cup olive oil, 12 whole chicken legs (7 lb) 8 chicken breast halves with skin and bones (8 lb) 5 lemons, cut crosswise into 1/3-inch-thick slices
To Prepare:
Whisk together lemon juice, oregano, garlic, 1/2 tablespoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in a large bowl and add oil in a slow stream, whisking.
Transfer legs to bowl with lemon dressing and turn to coat, add remaing salt and pepper. Sear chicken breasts, starting with skin sides down, turning once, until well browned, 6 to 8 minutes total. Grill lemon slices, until grill marks appear, about 3 minutes on each side, and transfer to platter with chicken.

Great Grilled Vegetable Sandwich
Ingredients:
1 Japanese eggplant sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 small zucchini sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 red pepper cut in quarter's lengthwise, 1 small red onion cut into 4 slices, 2 portobello mushroom caps, 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, Salt and pepper, 8 slices crusty peasant style bread cut 1/2-inch thick, 4 pieces red leaf lettuce, and Herbed Mayonnaise. Herbed Mayonnaise: 3/4 cup mayonnaise, 1/2 lemon juiced, A few drop hot sauce, 1 garlic clove crushed and skin removed, 2 tablespoons thyme leaves, 2 tablespoons flat-leaf parsley, leaves 2 tablespoons chopped chives
To Prepare:
Using a pastry brush, brush olive oil on the vegetable slices and the portobello mushrooms. Season them with salt and pepper. Place vegetables on a hot grill and cook until they are tender. Once vegetables are done brush sliced bread with olive oil and grill on both sides. To assemble, slice portobellos into 1/4-inch slices, spread both sides of the grilled bread with herbed mayonnaise and then top with 1 slice each of grilled vegetables and a quarter of the mushrooms, and finish off with lettuce and top with remaining piece of bread.
Herbed Potato Salad
Ingredients:
2 pounds boiling potatoes, 1/4 cup fresh flat-leafed parsley, leaves2 to 3 teaspoons fresh thyme, leaves3 tablespoons olive oil ,1 tablespoon minced shallot
To Prepare:
In a 5-quart kettle cover potatoes with cold salted water by 2 inches and simmer until just tender. 10 minutes (for small fingerling potatoes) to 25 minutes (for larger boiling or all-purpose potatoes). Drain potatoes in a colander and cool to room temperature.
Chop parsley and thyme. Cut cooled potatoes into 1 1/2-inch pieces. In a bowl gently toss potatoes with herbs, oil, shallot, and salt and pepper to taste. Serve potato salad at room temperature.

Grilled Avocado, Tomato, Red Onion Salad (My Fav!)
Ingredients:
10 tomatoes quartered, 4 avocados peeled, halved, and pitted, Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling 1 red onion, sliced 1/2 lemon, 1 cup pesto sauce, 1/2 cup pine nuts, Parmiggiano-Reggiano
To Prepare:
Preheat a grill over medium heat. Cover a large tray with tomato quarters, and set aside.
Place avocado halves in a bowl and drizzle with olive oil. Place each half on a hot open grill for about 30 to 45 seconds. Remove and place on top of the tomatoes arranged on tray. Drizzle with olive oil again.
In another bowl, cover the red onion slices with the juice from the lemon half and olive oil. Place onions in the empty avocado pit holes. Cover with the lemon/olive oil mix. Then, top with pesto, distributing generously on all sides. Sprinkle pine nuts and cheese on top, to taste.

One Year

That's how long its been since I stopped taking birth control pills. One year of trying and no baby.

I remember the day I took my last pill in July of 2007. I was so freaked out thinking I would get PG right away. I felt so vulnerable and so unprotected, but yet so happy to finally have the 2 children I had been dreaming about. It was weird to think that we were actually going to be TRYING to have a baby considering both Kaylee and DH's 2 children were completely unplanned. That day my DH also told me "Be careful, if you sit too close to me in church you'll wind up pregnant" and "Oh you'll be PG in 2 weeks watch!!" Because he was VERY fertile back in the day. At this time we obviously had no idea what his meds were doing to his swimmers. Each month I would count how far apart my kids would be "if I get PG this month they will be xx years apart and so on" and "This time next year the baby will be xx months old". Well that shit flew out the window because all that does is make me sad. I just try not to think about it anymore because it is out of my control. It really bothers me. I wanted my kids to be NO MORE than 4 years apart...and that will never happen. I need to come to terms with it though. It is very hard for me to accept...but I am working on it.

So here we are...a year later, no baby, not pregnant and still kind of in shock that we are having to do fertility treatments. Its quite sad. Fuck you infertility! You are so UNFAIR!

Monday, June 30, 2008

The RE Called Me Today

In response to the email I sent him last Monday. Long story short, he wants to wait until we get DH's S/A results back before we make a solid plan because like I said before, that will determine what kind of treatment we need to do. About my lack of ovulation, he said not to be worried about that because they will put me on a fertility drug to induce ovulation for me. Basically the drug makes you ovulate. So nothing else for now on the baby front.

I am counting down the days until the big S/A (18 more days to be exact) Also my DH is completely freaked out by having to "give a sample" he's like "Why do I need to do this?" He does NOT want to do it! But I told him to not be freaked out, that we have to know what we are working with before we can move forward...and basically all they are asking him to do is masturbate! Shoot...that's fun compared to what I'm going to have do to get my tests done! I'll take masturbating over getting a balloon and iodine shot in my uterus any day of the week. So I am being a good wifey and trying to support and calm his nerves about it.

Friday, June 27, 2008

3% and 2 More Pounds

I checked my body fat about a month ago it was 20.1 or 3 or something like that. That's not bad at all! It is considered between excellent and good. I checked my body fat today and 17.2% baby! WOOOHOOOO I lost 3% of my body fat and I dropped 2 more pounds. So now I am 10.5-111 pounds. I walked out of the gym today feeling SO happy! It totally made my day and shows that all my hard work is paying off. I knew I lost more weight because all my shorts/pants are getting pretty loose, but to see the number made me happy!!

Only a few more pounds to go and then I will just maintain.

Hey...It's my blog I am allowed to be a attention whore right?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

MASH

I saw this on Ambie's blog and thought I would play too...here are my results, fun stuff! :

You will marry Daniel

After a wild honeymoon, you will settle down in Italy in your fabulous Mansion.

You will have 4 kid(s) together. WAIT..really : )

The family will zoom around in a pink Range Rover.

You will spend your days as a Personal Shopper, and live happily ever after.


NICE!!! Now if all that really happens I will be one HAPPY women!

Click here to play http://www.espin.com/mash-game.php

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Finally Heard Back From The Uro's Office

So DH's uro's office called me this morning about the new plan for him. At first she implied that the Dr. wanted him to up UP the does AGAIN, I told her NO way, its not working and there is no way in hell he will take it. She discussed with the Dr. and we have a new plan. In 3 weeks (1 month after being off the clomid) they want him to do a S/A and more blood work. Thank god he can do it at home, but we have to get it to the clinic within 30 minutes. Then a week later we have a appointment with the uro to go over the results and probably start the injections.

A LOT is riding on this upcoming s/a. This result, good or bad, is going to pave the path for the future of our IF journey. It will determine what kind of fertility treatment we will need to do to get PG and how much money this is all going to cost us. I am kinda nervous, but also just want to KNOW NOW!

I still have not heard back from the RE about the email I sent him the other day.....

Monday, June 23, 2008

Still Waiting

We are still waiting to here from DH's uro about moving on to the injections. I called the office today and he was not in. Hopefully they call tomorrow with a plan so we can get this show on the road! Today I also emailed our RE about the news regarding DH, and asked him if there is ANYTHING we can do to try and get PG while we wait another 3 months on a different medication. I know the odds of us conceiving on our own will still be low, but at least we will be trying!! I just feel so impatient, like all these months have just been wasted. I just want to MOVE FORWARD and not be stuck at a stand still. So we will see what he says. I will be stalking my email that for sure.

For me...another month with NO ovulation!!UGH! What they hell is wrong with me? Why cant my body just do what it is supposed to do? I am 25, healthy, and have had a child already!! I don't understand why this is happening. Dealing with the MFI is bad enough....but even if we did not have MFI I still could not get PG because I don't ovulate. Great.

On a good note, today was Kay's first summer dance class. In the summer, they go 2 times a week for 4 weeks, then they have a short break before the regular dance school year starts in August. She is now taking tap and ballet. She was so excited to start tap and tapped around the house all day today!! I really think she is going to love it.