Wednesday, March 9, 2011

More Thoughts on TTC # 3..

*Disclaimer: If you haven't read my post from yesterday, you might want to start there before you read this so you can be up to speed.

I just wanted to get more of my feelings out there about moving forward with this final attempt to have another baby. This is the deal. I *think* I have finally come to a place where if I don't have anymore kids I can accept that and move on. I've been blessed enough to have 2 beautiful children and if that's all that god gives me, then I'm okay with that. I have had no choice but to come to terms that having a baby is not up to me and my body, that I am not like other woman and couples who can just have sex and make a baby at their own will (and even TIME it!), and even though it still makes me bitter as hell, its my reality and I have to come to terms with it at some point.

This is huge for me. Getting to this place was slow, but really its the mind set I have to be in because realistically we have very little to work with and the odds of achieving another pregnancy from those 2 craptastic sperm sample are pretty low. Right now, while we still have them, and the follistim that doesn't expire till June in my fridge- I feel like its this making this whole situation feel so open ended. And I almost feel like I need closure. So we are going to use the sperm because we cant just destroy our only chances of ever having another baby. But I have to be prepared for it not to work and feel comfortable closing that chapter. Like forever. Because if it doesn't work, that's it, no more children. We have no more options after that (well we could always try IVF but we just cant justify spending 10K + to do IVF to have another baby when we have already been blessed with 2 beautiful girls).

On the other hand, we also have to be prepared for it TO work. I don't wasn't to walk in blindly and then be shocked and surprised if I get pregnant. I have to be prepared to have 3 kids because could it happen, YES! It could. It does only take one!! And then this is the part where I start to panic a little thinking about how crazy I am to have 3 kids??! 2 is a lot of work. They might eat me alive! But I would welcome it with open arms and of course I WANT it to work. I know everything would fall into place.

So mentally I am preparing myself to have a third child while also simeotamoiusly preparing myself to rest in peace with the fact that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never give birth again, and that I will never know what M's little brother or sister would look like; would they look alike? Would I finally have a child that looks like me for Christs sake!!?! It's a very awkward and difficult place to be in.

But I'm ready. To have some closure on this whole chapter of my life whether that ends with another baby, or another negative pregnancy test. I'm ready to bite the bullet and finally commit to closure. If it is meant to be, and if I am meant to have another baby it will happen. If not, than I am perfectly blessed and forever grateful for the 2 I have. And that's the truth. I believe that now. Whatever is meant to be, is meant to be...


Kristen said...

I pray it works for you! But if not, that you will at least have peace with the situation and the closure that you are looking for.

(But I just want to say, I have a good feeling about this... :) )

Brooke said...

You have to come to a very good conclusion here. I cant imagine what it would be like to decide to have a baby and then just do it. Like people actually just have sex and get pregnant? Not around here. We havent used any bc since C was born. I know exactly how you feel. So blessed to have your little ones but yet wondering what could be. God will give you the answer. Again I think you have a good plan.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

I think its great youre preparing for both. I really hope you get a baby out of this. Ill be cheering you on, no matter what the outcome is. :)