Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...
Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.
I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.
That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.
I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)
So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.
And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!
Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.
They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.
3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?
And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.
It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.
Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.
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