Thursday, November 10, 2011

I Need A Miracle

Today was the big day. Our final attempt to have baby # 2 together. If you would have asked me how I really felt about this day a few months ago, I would have totally lost it. But today, surprisingly enough, I was calm and clear. It was almost like I was in 3rd person. Talking with the staff at my clinic, laughing, hugging and praying....All knowing that this would very well be my last visit. It was strange...

Last night I baked 2 pumpkin loaves to bring to the clinic this morning. My way of thanking them for helping me have a family. I mean, its the least I could do. I am so close with so many of the staff there and they have all been so supportive and amazing. One loaf was for the staff to share, and 1 for my RE with a little note thanking him for being my biggest cheerleader over the years.

I also brought....get ready for this...a fresh sperm sample from my husband so they could do a basic S/A. We don't plan on using any birth control and we needed to know exactly what we have going on in there. I also figured if there was anything, they could add it to our frozen sample to use today, because hey the more the merrier! Well I really didn't have to worry about either of those things, because there was none.

That's right. No sperm in his sample. Not one sperm at all. Nothing.

I have to admit, although I wasn't expecting anything much I was surprised there weren't a few. But my husband, my husband on the other hand was shocked. He thought for sure there would be some...I don't know, maybe a few hundred thousand. (For all those non IF'er a normal sperm count is 20-150 MILLION)

So that far distant dream that every infertile has of one day having that "surprise miracle BFP" will never happen to me. Ever. That is for certain.

And this even more cemented how done we really are after this. Talk about pressure. The sperm guy at the clinic was sweating bullets!

Against my RE's wishes, I walked in ready to go out with a bang. My plan was to use all of our 5 vials we had left on this last Hail Mary Cycle. My RE (and everyone else at the clinic) thought I should save 1 vial...just  in case I win the lottery, but I cant. I just cant have that hanging over my head. I will always feel that tug on my heart. Because I do desperately want a second child with him.

They started the thaw, and all I could do was pray. Pray we had decent numbers. And then the sperm guy called up.

3 Million post wash. They really like it to be at least 5mil, but what can you do?

And if you would have told me THIS a few months ago, my stomach would have sank and I would have been on the verge of puking. But this time was different. I've been preparing for this. I took a deep breathe, held onto my hope and said lets do this.

It went well, they took it really really slow, and I've had hardly any cramping today (which I normally have). I took it easy today, because you know I'm trying to get pregnant here and oddly enough I feel good. Even with 3 million sperm, even though I know all odds are against us, I feel good.

Pregnancy test is on Thanksgiving. Lets hope I have even more to be thankful for this year.


Amy said...

I'll be praying for you!!!!!

By the way, those damn pumpkin loaves look good. :)

Jenni said...

Gahhh Just reading this gives me the chills and pulls at my heart strings. I am praying, hoping and wishing the best for you!!

**Come on spermies do your job**

Good luck Momma.. =)

Nichole said...

Sending you prayers!!

Ann Armenta said...

Ditto to what Jenni said. Chills! I'm praying for you Momma!! BIG HUGS <3

electriclady said...

Hoping you get your miracle!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog and am praying for you and your miracle! :)

Just to give you a little more hope, I did one IUI with no pregnancy and IVF was our next step. (I have an elevated FSH and he has low sperm.) Each SA done revealed only 5 million sperm, most of which were poor quality. When we went to do our IUI, the washed number was 1 million... and I had 3 follicles.

I kept telling myself that it only takes 1, 1 little swimmer, to make a baby. One million sperm is next to nothing in the medical world, and yet a million dollars is a lot. It's all about perspective, huh?

All that to say, in the time we were waiting and praying over doing an IVF cycle, we conceived on our own and our baby is now 8 months old. We were shocked to say the least! And beyond thrilled!

The book called "The Infertility Cure" was such a help to us. We did acupuncture and took the supplements recommended. We also prayed, a lot. We are in awe of just how big God is - and there is nothing He can't do! :)

And I struggle a lot with expanding our family. The fact we were told conceiving on our own was not going to happen, and then it did, makes me wonder about more children. I don't doubt that it can't or won't happen again, but there is such extreme heartache month after month of trying with no success. I just don't think my heart is ready for that again. And I am so grateful to have the one baby we have, but that still doesn't erase the pain of the past or the uncertainty of the future. So I just cling to this amazing miracle child I do have and remember to be thankful.

And I ask myself often - is one enough? Of course I would love more than one, and to experience pregnancy again would be amazing. But I am already beyond blessed with her. So I'll keep waiting until the right time to try again, and leave it up to God!

I'll check back for your hopefully good news! :)