Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sinking In.

I was fine all weekend, but the last couple days it has really started to sink in that I will never have another baby :( That M was my last pregnancy, and that there isn't even a CHANCE of a pregnancy in our future. I think its just going to take some time to grieve and accept that fact. And I am sure I am going to have my ups and downs, but this is a lot to process. Because the decision is not mine...its not  because we don't want anymore kids, or we cant afford anymore kids, its because we cant physically make anymore.

All of this had made me so much more grateful for my children, that if I never have another, I am still the luckiest woman on earth for having them. So so lucky. They really are precious gifts that too many people  take for granted unfortunately.

IF was a huge part of my life for so long. It has become a part of me. But it also has had a hand in making me the woman and mother I am today. All the sorrow, tears, begging and praying, shots, and sleepless nights, were all totally worth being able to create these little gifts of life. All of it. I wouldn't for a second wish the pain of infertility on anyone else, but there is a positive side of it as weird as it sounds. Its such an emotional struggle that is forces you to be stronger than you ever thought you could be, and makes you realize whats really most important in life. So when you finally get those those, you hold them very close to your heart.

But god works in very mysterious ways. I believe that every experience we have the good and the bad, we have been given for a reason.

Over the last two years, I have prayed to god to please let me do this one more time, and I know I have been so amazingly blessed with these 2 beautiful children and I am forever grateful for that. But god, there is still a void in my heart. A void that only having one more child to complete our family can fill. I so desperately want this, please don't let that be the last time I get to experience such a miracle. Please.

Yes, these were my conversations with god.

And on Thanksgiving morning I woke up, peed on a stick and it was over. All these years, and tears, and pain and money and it was over. Just like that.

But two days prior on November 22nd, god had answered my prayer. Just in his own way. He brought me L, my 6 year old cousin who has had such an undeserving life. A child. For me to raise. Even for only a short time, an innocent child for me to love and care for. Someone else to call me that coveted title: "Momma".

And then I ran across this quote and had one of the biggest Ah Ha moments of my adult life :

God has another plan for me. Yes, its not what I had planned, but I believe this whole experience (especially with the timing) was given to me for a reason. This is something I never in my life imagined that I would be doing, fostering. Not in my wildest dreams. But its changing me. In big ways. Yes, I have to grieve what could have been and the life I was so hopping for, but at the same time I am celebrating the life I have been given.


Wanna Be Super Mom said...

Oh sister friend, we don't know for sure that God's plan doesn't include more kiddos. I completely see where you are coming from, but I think that we have not seen the full plan of God unfurled. Please don't give up hope just yet, keep chugging. My motto is expect nothing-then you'll be surprised when the good comes through. Keep doing what you are doing-you are a fantastic person. Good things come to those who are good, eventually!

Plus, you get to focus on those beautiful babies you already have and that is great. I think that it is a gift to learn to never take them forgranted, so many parents do this (and you know from what's going on in your personal life that this is true).

God bless you girl!

melifaif said...

I have tears and chill bumps and a lot of happiness in my heart! Just reading your last paragraph and that quote...wow, huh? HE is so amazing. I wish you all the best during this trying time.

Single Mom 2b said...

Beautiful post! I don't think I realized that L came to be with you. That's an amazing response from God... sending you lots of hugs & love!

cindyjean said...

It's a beautiful post and written by a wise and loving woman. My heart is saddened that someone as deserving as you didn't get what you planned, hoped, prayed for. However, more than sadness, is the overwhelming respect and joy that your post commands. You have given someone with so little, suddenly so much, a good loving stable family life. There is no greater gift. Good luck with your new addition to the family, and I hope that along with the grief process for what could have been (and that is a very real grief, I'm sure), you continue to enjoy the what is and build and grow with it. The best of the holiday season, to you and your three girls (and of course, hubby too).

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your disapointment. I can say that I was raised by my sister who was adopted and I have had a great life. She took me in when I was 8 and she is the best mom ever!

Erin said...

I am sure it will be a hard adjustment, just the finality of it all. It definitely isn't fair. I am glad that you are starting to feel at peace with the direction your life is going now, and really respect you for opening up your home in the way you did! It really is an amazing gift you are giving that little girl!