It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.
Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.
My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.
Now I am seconding guessing my decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.
I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.
We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!
Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.
In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?
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