Tuesday, July 26, 2011

CD 9- Am I Crazy?

It's official. I'm a nutcase and a glutton for punishment. Why? Because today I cancelled my own cycle. Why? Because I didn't feel like it was perfect and there was NO WAY I was going to use up my precious sperm on a less than ideal cycle.

Today, I had 3 follies on the left side (1) 13 and (2) 15's. Nothing on the right. Lining was a little thin (didn't get the exact measurement, but its still early). Yes, technically that's  a good response to have 3 eggs, but I want targets on BOTH sides. I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I want to go out feeling like I had a perfect cycle with a perfect opportunity to become pregnant. And then if it didn't work- I know I gave it my best shot. So I cancelled.

My RE agreed, even though he did say I responded well. He understands whats a stake here and wants
me to feel 100% comfortable moving forward. He did mention that really if I really wanted to achieve a pregnancy, that I should do IVF given our circumstances. I agree, but getting my husband to agree to spend 12k to have another baby when we already have 2 precious children is a whole other story. But that really is our best shot and I know that.

Now I am seconding guessing my  decision. Maybe I am trying to reach something that is unattainable? Maybe I am asking too much of my body? Was it absolutely crazy to cancel this cycle? I did have 3 eggs! What if it would have worked? What if next cycle doesn't work, and then I think I should gone forward this time? It's a whirlwind of questions flooding my mind right now.

I am full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's and what if's. I just don't know anymore. I feel like no matter what decision I make regarding these last few cycles, I am always going to question if it was the right choice. All I want is another child. So I feel like I need to give myself the best opportunity to do so given what we have to work with and I just don't feel like this was it. Was it good? Yes. Was is good enough to make me feel 100% content moving forward and using the rest of our sperm? No. It wasn't. But will I ever feel 100% happy? That is the million dollar question.

We are not completely scrapping this cycle. I am still going to trigger on Thursday and do timed intercourse on Thursday and Saturday, even though we all know that is a LONG shot. Very long. So long that my Dr. said to not even bother taking the progesterone, to take a break from that. But you never know, miracles can happen!

Next cycle should start in 2 weeks and we will change up the protocol a bit to try and stimulate both ovaries. Start with a higher dose, and tapper down. At least this way, if only 1 ovary responds again we will know that that's just how my body works and I can get the idea of having eggs on both sides out of my brain.

In the mean time, I am going to plant the IVF seed in my husbands brain again and see if I can get him on board. How many BJ's do you think it will take to get him to agree?


Heather said...

LOL - shouldn't take too many! He is a guy after all :)

Sorry you felt you had to cancel this cycle. Who knows, miracle BFP's happen ALL the time so one of these times you just might get lucky! You are on the IF boards so you see the proof of it happening! Try to stay hopeful & always stick with your gut feeling! Will be crossing my fingers for you!

Ugh - IF is such an emotional roller coaster :(

Momma Wilson said...

sounds like you better get busy momma;) I'm sorry you canceled your cycle, but you know motherly intuition is always right! praying that you'll get your big surprise and won't need to do any favors for that IVF!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

1st-TOTALLY laughing at the BJ question...thats how we get things done in our house too. :)

2nd-I would have done the same thing. You dont want to look back and wonder if you should have cancelled. Now, you did and you can have another chance to be perfect.

bcbuttons said...

I totally believe in mother's intuition and that's exactly what today was for you. You knew what would work and what wouldn't. Get to work on those BJ's! I think if it's your last shot go big or go home :) I can imagine you aren't going to want to stop until you have #3 in your arms so you might as well use this last vile in the best way. Skip a vacation and take a pay cut :) I bet you'll convince him!! Best of luck! Thanks for letting us follow your journey.

Lisa said...

thanks guys...you really are the best. I beat myself up all day yesterday wonering if I made the right choice. And your right...I made that decision at that moment for a reason.

Thank you all for your support xoxox