I am about to open up about something I have never really talked about on my blog before. That is the fact that I am a single mother. Yes, I know what your thinking. How can you be a single mom and be married and have a husband that lives in the home? I am about to tell you.
Its complicated and a little unconventional and I know A LOT of women are probably going to wanna shake me and say
"Lisa what is wrong with you"? Or better
"what is wrong with your husband"? so I guess that's why I've never really brought it up, or maybe its because I chose (or agreed) for it to be this way....read on.....
Parenting is
supposed to be 50/50, but not in all cases. Most fathers work, and in a lot of cases so does the mom. And while yes I agree that a father SHOULD help do his part and do at least 20/80 or whatever % that works in your home, but in my house I do 99.999% of the parenting and my H does the other 0.0001%.
Baths, beds, homework, carpool, laundry, reading, discipline, diaper changes, game time, all the cleaning, all the feedings, the shopping, butt wiping, pick up and drop offs at extra curricular activities and play dates, getting up and dressed and ready for school or for the day, and everything in between. Everyday, every night, even on the weekends, it's all me.
I do it all on my own. So technically I am a single mom. And I must admit I am a tad bit jealous of those FB posts that go a little something like this:
Ahh I cant wait for my husband to get home, because I need a break!
What about that 0.0001%? Well that would be the 30 min. window after we've all eaten dinner and I'm cleaning the kitchen, H will take M and have some quality time with her. And then after I put her to bed, H and K (and now L too) have what they call "movie time". They sit on the couch, have a bedtime snack, cuddle, talk, and watch TV for 30-45 min. every night. He will also get up with one in the middle of the night if one has a bad dream, or needs some water, or something like that. So he does spent time with them, and has a great relationship with both of them, but when it comes to all the "work" its all on me. And here's why..
When I first met my husband, K was 15 months old. Her bio dad was *somewhat* still in the picture (although that changed very quickly) so naturally I did all the parenting when it came to her. He never once changed her diaper, gave her a bath, got her dressed, put her to bed, etc. because it was not his place at the time. Over the years, this has obviously evolved somewhat, but I always remained the "caregiver" and that was fine.
You have to remember my husband is also 20 years older than me, so we have somewhat of an unconventional relationship. On our first couple dates I made it very clear to him that I wanted more children, and that I wanted to get married so if these were things he wasn't interested, then please move along because those we're things I wasn't willing to wavier on. Period. He told me yes, although divorced with 2 grown children of his own, that he would be willing to start all over. Have another child, and open to marriage. Great, our relationship could now flourish.
Once we starting taking more in depth about having children, we came to the agreement that *I* would be the sole provider, just as I was for Kay. I was and still am totally on board with that. That's fine, it works for us. He works 16 hours a day (no joke), and although he was "open" to more children, he didn't necessarily "want" more children. Get it? Of course, that doesn't in any way shape or form mean he doesn't love and wouldn't die for M because he loves her and K to pieces!
Everything was great in our world, I had my routine with the 2 kids down pat, and them came L. She's been a lovely addition to our family, but its been a big adjustment for all of us. Including myself. 3 kids is 3x more work than 2. No lie! So there went my already crazy hectic work load. I don't mind it one bit, and wouldn't change it for the world! My only problem with our "arrangement" is that now that I have even more on my plate (have to remember I also work 2 full days in the office and more for our business, I am on the PTO board at K's school, I volunteer for her school and RESOLVE, and now
I have 3 kids ages 7, 6, and 2 with the 2 year old on the nebulizer daily (that's a whole other post)!!!! So when you see your wife going from sun up to sun down, and beyond and don't bother to OFFER her anymore help....well that's where I get little frustrated.
I can only do so much, I am only 1 person. Now I am a single mom to 3 kids. And yes, your probably going to say "have you tried asking him to help you?" the short answer is no, not really because I know how he feels about it. He will say things like "see I knew this was going to happen if we had more" and rather than cause conflict, I just carry on, on my own. What I truly don't understand is, how you an see your spouse running ragged and not
OFFER to help. Because like I said before, its not that I mind caring for them all on my own, its his lack of gratitude for all I do do. Sigh.
I don't want him to sound like a complete useless father or husband. He is GREAT with the kids, its just on his own terms. But I must say, he has it VERY easy! He provides a great life for us, and we have the financial freedom to enjoy a lot of things that other don't because he works so hard building his business. But I am a single mom of 3 and it would be nice to have
a little help once in a while.
I know I'm not alone, and that a lot of other mothers have it the same way. Their husbands are deployed, or are also workaholics, or they truly are single moms without any help.
But I just want to end with this: YOU ARE MY HERO and WE ALL DESERVE A METAL for what we do. All us mothers. Being a mom is the toughest job in the world...
...but as you know, the most rewarding <3
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