I've Been Hiding a Secret

I've been holding in a secret from you guys. A secret that's been brewing for the last 2 months. It's over now, and although I wanted SO desperately to blog about it and have you all there to support me, I just couldn't let it out. I didn't tell you guys sooner, because I was trying to "protect" myself in case it didn't happen...trying not to get my hopes up..But I'm ready to come out now.

We have been going through the adoption process the last 2/3 months.

We were going to adopt L's unborn baby sister.....Who is now 2 weeks.

I had plane tickets booked, saved all M's baby stuff, and was already to purchase a vehicle that could fit my new family of 6.

Then the day after she was born. They changed their minds. And that was it. Just like that. It was over and there was nothing I could do. But cry.

I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. I crawled into my bed, my husband took care of the kids, and I stayed there for 18 hours. Numb. Going through waves of "Why are they doing this? Who is giving that baby a voice? She didn't ask to be born. To maybe thinking it wasn't meant to be, maybe this wasn't MY baby, maybe god saved me from a potential bad situation".

This is an excerpt from a blog draft. Written 1-13-12:

The mom was 150% on board, and the dad was almost there.....until she was born. 2 days ago on 1-11-12 at 5 lbs 4 oz. and 19 inches long. A healthy baby girl. And then they both decided that they couldn't let her go. That somehow love would be enough, even though they cant provide for the children they already have. 1 of them I HAVE. I will blog and actually hit Publish one day. But for now I grieve.

Well it was actually very very hard on me, and I have been trying to cope ever since that day.  I just never planned this. I was never prepared for any of this. This meaning a failed adoption, and I don't know how to deal with this or this loss.

I just knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. This whole "adoption" thing was NEVER part of my plan, and I just don't know how to deal. I was a fool. I knew this would happen. I knew she would change her mind once she held that baby....I am a mother after all, I know what it feels like right after you give birth, when nothing else matters. I knew if I wasnt there already this would happen.

The facts are is that you cant tell an infertile that's been desperately trying to have a baby for the last 2 years that you are going to give her your baby GIRL for 2 months then take it all away just like that.

Each day has gotten better, and I'm starting to realize that maybe this was for the best. As much as it hurts, it taught me a lot. It showed me how strong I actually am, and how HARD going through adoption really is. If you ever been through an adoption, failed or not, my hats off too you. When "they" say is the most intense emotional roller coaster you' ll ever be on, they weren't lying. Thats acutally an understatment if you ask me.

There were good days and bad, days of joy, and many feelings of unknown territory, but all days mostly filled with this undeniable fear that this just wont happen, all while trying to remain hopeful that soon you'll have a baby in your arms. How do you do that? How do you prepare for something for months and NOT get your hopes up? Tell me how that is possible?

It's VERY hard stuff. Stuff I never expected to have to deal with. But I did.

Lucky for me, I DID blog about it throughout the process, I just never published. So because of that, and because this is a part of "My Story" I will be publishing those posts over the next month. Titled The Adoption Diaries.

Thank you guys for always being there for me. For never judging me, and allowing me to be me in this web world. I love you. And although I needed you guys, even though you didn't know it, I knew you guys were there for me. I knew you'd all be here to either congratulate me on my new baby girl, or catch me when I fell. ufortunaty this post ends with me falling. But I'm okay.....I'll be okay.