Sunday, February 12, 2012

Time Heals All Wounds?

They say time heals all wounds. But does it? If you ask people who have lost a loved one, they most always say no that time only makes the loss more tolerable to deal with, but that the wound is still same wound that it was X amount of time ago.

I think time heals certain wounds. Wounds that are capable to be healed. Wounds like the kind of wounds I have with regards to my infertility.

I often wondered (while still cycling, and shortly after) if I would ever be okay with the cards I've been dealt, or if it would always hurt this much? I really wasn't sure if it was possible to be okay with forever feeling like my family is incomplete. Forever feeling a void in my heart.The answer only lied with time.

3 months have passed since that final BFN; and since then there has been much more heartache with a surprise failed adoption, the inner issues that caused me and my family, and becoming a foster mom to my 6yo cousin. I've been through a LOT of heaartache, cried many tears, and said "why is life so unfair?" more times than I can ever count.

But today I can sit here and say that time IS healing my wounds. I am starting to feel a sense of gratuity that it is doing so because I simply cant imagine living with that heartache throughout my life. What a waste of a precious life. A few weeks ago I started reading a book titled:

This book has been a huge part of my "recovery" if you will and has sort of been a The Secret way of thinking for me. In years past, since The Secret came out, whenever I would get into a funk or any type of self loathing I would pick up The Secret to help change  my way of thinking and it ALWAYS helps. But with this particular wound, a wound I knew The Secret could not help, I searched for something else and found One Thousand Gifts.

(I have to warn you though, as I wasn't expecting it myself, it is a christian book. Its' fine with me, but just a warning for others who are considering reading it. I do however think that whether Christian or not, the message that this book sends is for everyone who is being challenged by life in some way).  

Basically, this book has helped me realize that yes although I was dealt with a tough hand, and yes I desperately wanted another child, I AM STILL UNDOUBTEDLY THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD FOR GETTING NOT ONE BUT TWO AMAZING HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN and that you know what? Maybe god is not giving me a third child for a reason, maybe in the bigger picture its best that I only have 2 children, or somehow no matter how I will never  understand it, this is whats meant to be. The reality is, is that I have already been SO BLESSED.

It in a way has made me feel a little foolish for even asking for more when I have been given such an amazing (2) little people. But I couldn't help how I felt, and I certainly couldn't control those undeniable feelings for the chance to do it and maybe I was put on this journey, even to only end in despair, to find out things about myself. Like I am a LOT stronger than I ever thought I was, and that I need to find out more about myself outside of motherhood. If you would have told me even 5 years ago that by age 30 I would have gone through numerous hormone shots and infertility treatments, gone through a FAILED ADOPTION, and became a FOSTER MOM I would have NEVER, ever believed it.

So the past 3 months have been all about grieving, healing, and self discovery for me and its not over yet. I just wanted to put it out there that IF YOU CHOOSE to allow yourself to open up to other things, and to believe that this maybe part of something bigger, your way of thinking might change, and that can alone help you heal your wounds. And if not, it can certainly at least help you to "feel" better about your "current life".

The pain is still there, it just stings less, and I certainly don't have it all figured out (not even close) and may not ever, but today I am better. And tomorrow I will be even better, because its another day I am alive. Another day that my family is healthy and together. Another day that the sun will be shining and I will feel the warmth on my skin. Another day on this journey...I really do have a great life (with or without more children).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nicely said. Lots of hugs to you!!