Infertility's Common Thread

Click here to read about the history of Infertility's Common Thread. I will be getting mine tomorrow!

Is God Listening?

Just now me and Kay were outside and she asked me when she was going to have a brother and a sister (yes, she wants one of each). I told her that I didn't know, but that I was working on trying to get her one. She asked me why I didn't have a baby in my tummy yet, and how will it get in there? I proceeded to tell her the same story as last time she asked, that babies start out as small as a seed and that mommy doesn't have a seed yet. She told me that she would go get me a seed so I could grow a baby. I told her that she cant but when god thinks the time is right he will give one to me and then she can finally have a little brother or a sister.

And then the sweetest, saddest thing happened.

She folded her little hands, closed her eyes tightly and said:

"Dear god, thank you for my beautiful family and thank you for my mommy. Can you please please give me a brother or a sister, I really want a brother or a sister. With liberty and justice for all. Amen"

I laughed that she added the end of the pledge of allegiance, but it was so sad for me to see her praying so hard and so sweet for a sibling. I was holding back the tears.

All I can do is pray that god will answer her prayers.

What To Expect When Your NOT Expecting

I saw a blog that had this as a title and it really got me thinking. Parenting is like infertility in a lot of ways. Here are a few examples:

1) Babies don't come with a handbook and neither does infertility.
2) You never REALLY know what its like or how it feels unless you have experienced it.
3) You don't know what to expect, or how things are going to work out because you have never done it before.

I wish there was a manual for how to deal with infertility, or something that tells you exactly what you are going to have to do to fix it. Sort of like the "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book. It tells you each month throughout your pregnancy the things that can and will arise each month, what things to worry about, things to disregard, and how to prepare yourself and body for birth, etc.

BUT

there is no book about What To Expect When Your NOT expecting and I think there should be! Maybe the author of those books will find my blog and consider it. That's all.

My Little Princess

Here are a few random pictures of Kay from the other night. She was taking some medicine (she had a little cold) getting ready for her story time and then her beauty sleep as she likes to call it : ) It's our normal nightly routine: bath, snack, story, then lights out at 8:00-8:15 every night!

I Quit!

Last week I decided I want to quit smoking again. Yes, again. I have quit 3 times and once for a whole year (when I got pg with Kaylee). I have just had enough and am tired of it. Last time I quit my Dr. gave me the Nicitrol Inhaler. They are shaped like cigarettes and you inhale nicotine, which REALLY helped me with the physical addiction. So he gave me another script and go figure insurance wont cover it. It was 195 dollars....forget that. So I have decided I will just use the gum or something else a little cheaper this time.


My DH said after I have quit for 4 days I can get a new purse!! I love him. For those that don't know, I am OBSESSED with handbags and have a pretty nice collection! So I have had my eye on this new Michael Kors bag and this is going to be my motivation!


I set a date.....Monday July14th is the day I am going to quit!! Until then I am going to try and cut back to prepare myself. I know I can do it because I have done it before...the trick for me is STAYING quit when life gets tough. The last 3 times I started back up again was due to major stress in my life. Bare with me as I may be a bitch next week....you have been warned!!

My 4th of July Festivites

We hosted a BBQ last night for about 20 people...man it is always so hectic preparing for any event, especially since I am a perfectionist when it comes to party planning, decorating, and the menu (I cooked all the food). I cooked and cleaned all day but everything turned out great! Everyone loved the food (and grilled avocado, tomato, and red onion salad was a HUGE hit!!) and had a great time.

3 different people asked me last night if I was pregnant, or when we were going to have a baby, or if we were trying. I hate when people ask because I have to keep a normal happy Lisa face and flat out LIE. "Oh yeah, were trying no biggie when it happens it happens" or "Yeah were going to have another one..very nonchalantly" I hate having to lie, and it is quite hard for me to act all normal because this has been a VERY emotionally hard week for me. Every time someone asks me those dreaded questions my stomach sinks....if they only knew. Now I am getting to a point that when we are around a large group or family I am just praying that no one asks.

When everyone left I told my DH and he was surprised that so many people asked me..and he asked if I was okay. I told him that I hate having to lie, but I understand that this is very personal and I don't want everyone knowing all of our issues. He said next time someone asks to just tell them that we are trying but we are having some problems. I agree, but you know when I tell someone that they are going to ask "What kind of problems?" and then what the hell am I gonna say? Its like opening a can of worms....infertile worms.

But last night turned out wonderful!! All the kids (there were about 10 here) had a blast and enjoyed the fireworks, of course Kaylee loved having other children around to play with....now if I had only remembered to take pics. Shoot!

Will It Ever End?

As soon as I think we are on our way to having a baby (finally!) something ALWAYS stands in the way. We found out that we were infertile 7 months ago and what have we done to actually GET PG?? NOTHING! NOT ONE THING.

First it was my DH's old meds..then we had to wait, then it was the clomid..then that didnt work, then they increase the does..then that didn't work...then I was going to get all my tests done so we could start treatments..then we found the cyst so now I cant finish....AGGGHHHHHH!!! So now we have to wait longer before we can even start. I swear I am starting to wonder if this will ever end. I just want to START A TREATMENT, then at least we will be trying to have a baby. I am tired of waiting and it's killing me.

Houston We Have a Problem

Today I started AF, so I had to go in for the start of my testing. Today's testing was a baseline internal u/s and b/w. So I arrive at my RE's office ready to rock and roll and little did I know what I was about to find out.

I get undressed and am waiting on the exam table for the nurse to come in and start my u/s. There is a large screen on the wall where I can see the u/s too, so I thought that was cool. I have never had a internal u/s without a baby inside me before so I was very interested to see how everything looked in there.

The nurse walks in and we begin. As soon as she put the wand inside me she said "WOW, whatcha got in there?" the FIRST thing that popped into my mind was "OMG is there a baby in there??" I said back to her "I don't know what is it" she says "Well it looks like you have a big cyst on one of your ovaries" WHAT?!? I do?? I asked her how big it was and she said that is was pretty large. She asked me if I have had any pain or anything like that, and I said no because I haven't. So she does her thing and takes all her measurements, and then goes back to measure the cyst. The cyst looked like the size of a apricot, or a big lime/lemon...a big black circle on the screen. She could not even see that ovary because the cyst was covering it up.

She moves on to check out my left ovary and its normal, everything looked good. But I did have some follicles in there (when you are on AF, your not supposed to have any in there) She began to count and measure them....and I have 21 follicles in there!! another WHAT?!? To have that many in there is CRAZY. She said to me "You don't ovulate do you?" NOPE, sure don't, so she said they have just been collecting in there and never releasing. But the good news is that means I don't have a low ovarian reserve (I have a good, normal amount of eggs, but just don't ovulate)If my husband didn't have male factor I would be sleeping in another room....because you know if I ever do ovulate it WILL be more than one egg. That really freaked me out.

So because of the cyst they had to cancel my HSG coming up because the dye being shot up there could cause that ovary to twist, or even cause the cyst to explode. They want me to come back for a cyst check and either it can go away on its own (which I doubt being the size that it is and my luck), give me meds to reduce it, or have it surgically removed. We can not do ANY treatments until the cyst is taken care of. I am supposed to get a call from one of the Dr.'s about what they want me to do next. I was also instructed to call if I start having ANY pain at all, because it could rupture.

Nothing with my fertility issues ever goes smoothly, but I was totally NOT expecting all this. I do however feel some sense of relief because at least I am getting some answers. I have known that I haven't been ovulating for the past 9 months now, so I KNEW something was wrong with me but I would have never guessed I had a cyst. Who knows how long its been there.

I will update when I hear from the Dr. although because of the holiday it may not be until Monday.

My 4th of July Menu

For the last 3 years we have done a BBQ at our house for 4th of July. We have a great view from our deck to watch all the fireworks! I LOVE to cook and am always looking forward to trying new recipes and entertaining! So I thought I would share my menu that I am serving this year.

Grilled Chicken w/Lemon, Garlic, and Oregano

Ingredients:

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice,1/4 cup finely chopped fresh oregano, 2 tablespoons minced garlic, 2 tablespoons kosher salt, 2 teaspoons black pepper, 1/3 cup olive oil, 12 whole chicken legs (7 lb) 8 chicken breast halves with skin and bones (8 lb) 5 lemons, cut crosswise into 1/3-inch-thick slices

To Prepare:

Whisk together lemon juice, oregano, garlic, 1/2 tablespoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in a large bowl and add oil in a slow stream, whisking.

Transfer legs to bowl with lemon dressing and turn to coat, add remaing salt and pepper. Sear chicken breasts, starting with skin sides down, turning once, until well browned, 6 to 8 minutes total. Grill lemon slices, until grill marks appear, about 3 minutes on each side, and transfer to platter with chicken.

Great Grilled Vegetable Sandwich

Ingredients:

1 Japanese eggplant sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 small zucchini sliced on an angle in half-inch thick slices, 1 red pepper cut in quarter's lengthwise, 1 small red onion cut into 4 slices, 2 portobello mushroom caps, 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, Salt and pepper, 8 slices crusty peasant style bread cut 1/2-inch thick, 4 pieces red leaf lettuce, and Herbed Mayonnaise. Herbed Mayonnaise: 3/4 cup mayonnaise, 1/2 lemon juiced, A few drop hot sauce, 1 garlic clove crushed and skin removed, 2 tablespoons thyme leaves, 2 tablespoons flat-leaf parsley, leaves 2 tablespoons chopped chives

To Prepare:

Using a pastry brush, brush olive oil on the vegetable slices and the portobello mushrooms. Season them with salt and pepper. Place vegetables on a hot grill and cook until they are tender. Once vegetables are done brush sliced bread with olive oil and grill on both sides. To assemble, slice portobellos into 1/4-inch slices, spread both sides of the grilled bread with herbed mayonnaise and then top with 1 slice each of grilled vegetables and a quarter of the mushrooms, and finish off with lettuce and top with remaining piece of bread.

Herbed Potato Salad

Ingredients:

2 pounds boiling potatoes, 1/4 cup fresh flat-leafed parsley, leaves2 to 3 teaspoons fresh thyme, leaves3 tablespoons olive oil ,1 tablespoon minced shallot

To Prepare:

In a 5-quart kettle cover potatoes with cold salted water by 2 inches and simmer until just tender. 10 minutes (for small fingerling potatoes) to 25 minutes (for larger boiling or all-purpose potatoes). Drain potatoes in a colander and cool to room temperature.
Chop parsley and thyme. Cut cooled potatoes into 1 1/2-inch pieces. In a bowl gently toss potatoes with herbs, oil, shallot, and salt and pepper to taste. Serve potato salad at room temperature.

Grilled Avocado, Tomato, Red Onion Salad (My Fav!)

Ingredients:

10 tomatoes quartered, 4 avocados peeled, halved, and pitted, Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling 1 red onion, sliced 1/2 lemon, 1 cup pesto sauce, 1/2 cup pine nuts, Parmiggiano-Reggiano
To Prepare:

Preheat a grill over medium heat. Cover a large tray with tomato quarters, and set aside.
Place avocado halves in a bowl and drizzle with olive oil. Place each half on a hot open grill for about 30 to 45 seconds. Remove and place on top of the tomatoes arranged on tray. Drizzle with olive oil again.
In another bowl, cover the red onion slices with the juice from the lemon half and olive oil. Place onions in the empty avocado pit holes. Cover with the lemon/olive oil mix. Then, top with pesto, distributing generously on all sides. Sprinkle pine nuts and cheese on top, to taste.

One Year

That's how long its been since I stopped taking birth control pills. One year of trying and no baby.

I remember the day I took my last pill in July of 2007. I was so freaked out thinking I would get PG right away. I felt so vulnerable and so unprotected, but yet so happy to finally have the 2 children I had been dreaming about. It was weird to think that we were actually going to be TRYING to have a baby considering both Kaylee and DH's 2 children were completely unplanned. That day my DH also told me "Be careful, if you sit too close to me in church you'll wind up pregnant" and "Oh you'll be PG in 2 weeks watch!!" Because he was VERY fertile back in the day. At this time we obviously had no idea what his meds were doing to his swimmers. Each month I would count how far apart my kids would be "if I get PG this month they will be xx years apart and so on" and "This time next year the baby will be xx months old". Well that shit flew out the window because all that does is make me sad. I just try not to think about it anymore because it is out of my control. It really bothers me. I wanted my kids to be NO MORE than 4 years apart...and that will never happen. I need to come to terms with it though. It is very hard for me to accept...but I am working on it.

So here we are...a year later, no baby, not pregnant and still kind of in shock that we are having to do fertility treatments. Its quite sad. Fuck you infertility! You are so UNFAIR!