Saturday, March 7, 2009

4:26 a.m.

That's what time I woke up this morning. With the worst cramps ever. Needless to say I couldn't go back to sleep, so here I am at 5:10am writing this post! I started spotting a little yesterday, but no AF yet and I am at CD 39 today. I am hoping the cramps means she is really on her way so we can get this show on the road.

I have had a rough couple of days on the IF front and been quite depressed about it. I don't know if its because I am stuck in limbo that's making all these feelings come back or that I am PMSing or what but it sucks. I just feel like this is never going to happen for us and I am tired of FIGHTING for something that should be our right as a married couple. I am sick of hearing people say, "Oh we're going to start trying in such in such month so we can have a spring baby" UGH does that really happen for people? These fertiles are not only extremely lucky, but they can PLAN what month they're baby will be born? I cant even get pregnant at all! I cant even imagine...

Another thing I am really sick of is people asking me when I am going to have another baby. I just want to scream ITS NOT THAT EASY PEOPLE, I have been trying for going on 2 years now!! Don't you think I want another one? Don't you think I know that Kaylee deserves a sibling? But instead I just smile and say "Oh, if it happens it happens.." and act like it doesn't bother me. And recently Kay has started drawing pictures of me with a baby in my tummy....gee you think she is trying to tell me something? I don't talk about sibling, being PG, or anything like in front of her because I don't want to lead her on. But obviously she is thinking about it, and she lets me know. She is very persistent on having a brother AND a sister and I just tell her that when god thinks the time is right he will give her one..and then she prays about it, asking god please to put a "seed" mommies tummy so she can have a brother or a sister and it just breaks my heart every.single.time. She deserves that and I can not give it to her.

1 comment:

hopefaithlove said...

Avery always asked for a brother or sister all the time and even one time asked if we could take home a prefect stranglers baby at the hair dressers to be her sister. We also never talked about it in front of her... I pray your DD gets what she is wishing for ASAP!