Happy 1st Anniversary

To my blog! This week a year ago, I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out there about what I was dealing with. Therapy if you will. Ultimately I made my miracle but there were many many times along the way that I didn't think I would get here. Wondering if it would ever be me? Wondering when it would be my turn? And now it is : ) and I cant tell you how many wonderful women I have met along the way through my blog. I love reading comments and getting emails from others that are/were in my shoes. I love knowing I have a support system, even if they are complete strangers. I have gotten a few emails from people saying that my blog is inspirational to them...what? My little blog? but ya know what, that was so nice to hear. Just knowing that I in any way helped someone or gave someone some good advice is the icing on the cake. So thanks to my readers...I am very grateful for you all!!

You will notice that I will not be posting much over the next week and a half and that's because tomorrow I am leaving for a 7 day cruise to Alaska!!! I am so very excited about this and I plan to enjoy every moment. Sick or not. Yes, as of last week my morning sickness (which is really all day sickness) kicked in full effect. Really not fun, and I am sure would be even worse on a ship. We'll see. Either way I plan on having a wonderful family vacation!!

I will post some pics when I get back! Have a great week! Oh and my next u/s is the Monday after we get back on June 8th. I will be 9 weeks 2 days then!

7 Weeks

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

How far along: 7 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still haven't been weighed
Maternity clothes: Bella band is my best friend
Stretch marks: No, and hopefully never. I spent 34.00 on some Mama Mio Tummy Rub we'll see if it does what it says!!
Sleep: Still a lot...like 8-9 1/2 hours now.
Best moment last week: Seeing our baby for the first time!!
Movement: Still too early
Food cravings: not so much tomatoes anymore, but peanut butter and ORANGE FANTA...I seriously cant get enough of it, especially now that i know its caffeine free.
Gender: Starting to think boy
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Sushi
What I am looking forward to: Going on our cruise next week!! And my next u/s in 2 weeks!
Milestones: Finding out we are just having one perfect little baby.

The Green Paper Bag

This green paper bag has been sitting comfortably in my refrigerator since September of 2008. Yes, it takes up a lot of room. Yes, it is in the way. Yes, sometimes we wish it wasn't there, but this green paper bag was once our only shot at having a child together. See what looks like just an ordinary green paper bag to the average person is so much more than that. It is whats inside that makes it so valuable, so full of hope, such visions for the future. So what could be inside you ask? Well about 2,000.00 worth of fertility drugs!! Follistim, low dose hcg, and garilinex. Words that are all too familiar to the woman going through IVF to have a child.

I was once that woman. And look at me now. Happily, 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant with a fridge full of drugs still. This does not happen for most, yes we were the lucky ones. But this wasn't handed to us either. We did not get a miracle break cycle BFP...but rather struggled for months and months, 22 of them actually, testing different drugs on my husband to try and "fix" our biggest problems. Although at many times I thought it was all for nothing, that we would never get to this place, it was all worth it. Every tear, every moment of heartache was worth seeing my precious little baby on that ultra sound machine.

So what happens to the green paper bag?? As soon as I get to a place (after 12 weeks) I will be donating these very very expensive drugs to another couple who is in my old shoes. To a couple who lays awake a night wondering how they are going to be able to get the money they need to try and have a family that so many others get for free. We paid full price for these meds, because we don't have IF coverage and are all OOP, and were lucky enough to be able to afford them. Most couples cant, and that is not fair. It is not fair that some couples get to attempt treatments without paying for ANYTHING, while some, just as deserving CANT. I don't want any couple trying to have a baby not be able too because they cant afford the 10,000+ dollars needed...especially in this economy.

So in a few months...this green paper bag will be taking up space in someone else's fridge. Giving them hope and that strength to pull through knowing that one day...it will all be worth it.

Back From Our First U/S!!!

And it was the most amazing thing!! I was SO nervous before hand, just so worried nothing would be there. So I put on my lucky socks that Preheated Oven gave me and proceeded to my date with the vag cam. As soon as the Dr. inserted it I could see the BABY, yes there is only ONE!!! My DH was so relieved : ) Everything measured right on track at 6 weeks 4 days and looked perfect. We did see a nice strong heartbeat of 125 beats per minute and it was the COOLEST thing ever!! It was so small but just beating away so clearly. I am SO in love!! Without further ado, I introduce you to Baby P : )

Sorry they are kinda blurry, I couldnt get my scanner to work so I had to take pictures with my camera instead. OH and I also have a big cyst on each ovary, which they are not worried about and neither am I. It should resolve on it's own!

I go back June 8th for my next u/s and my final visit with my RE!

The Big Day

Is finally here, well almost : ) I go in the morning for what hopefully will be one of the sweetest days of my life! I swear this has been worse than the 2ww and has dragged on forever. I just don't want this to be taken away from me, I hope this is not all an evil joke. These are things I think about, or that the baby stopped growing at such and such week. But deep down in my heart this feels right, and I think that this is it and I am pregnant with a healthy baby. So I just need that validation and then hopefully I will breathe a little easier.

My poll is very close between one and twins, so we'll see which team was right!! At first I thought twins, but the last week or so I have been thinking that there is just one in there. Either way I cant wait to find out and will be over the moon with whatever god has blessed me with.

Tomorrow my DH will also be leaving a sample to freeze at the clinic...he is SO tired of doing the shots. So I told him that as soon as he gets a few good samples frozen and once I hit 12 weeks he can quit. I am also really looking forward to speaking with the lab director about frozen sperm, success rates with that, etc.

So PLEASE everyone say a little prayer for us tonight and just pray that our little baby(s) are alive and thriving in there. I will update as soon as I get home tomorrow!!!

I Lied

We had a company bowling party last night and one of our employees (who constantly thinks have been pg for the last year and a half) made me look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I wasn't pregnant. Little did he know, I had my fingers crossed in my pocket. The whole time he kept making comments to me about the "baby" and so on and so on. I am sure it didn't help that I didn't drink a drop of alcohol, was wearing a really flowy dress, and my boobs are the size of watermelons. Afterwards, I felt really bad about denying my pregnancy and even apologized to the baby on the way home. I do want to shout it from the roof tops, but at the same time I know at only 6 weeks anything can happen.

So until then I guess I am a liar. Or self protector which ever way you want to look at it.

3 more days until my u/s!

6 Weeks

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

How far along: 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still haven't weighed myself...and I am kinda scared too.
Maternity clothes: Just the Bella band still..
Stretch marks: No
Sleep: Still 9-10 hours a night
Best moment last week: Getting morning sickness...see only a women who has gone through IF would say that!! But its true.
Movement: Too early
Food cravings: Still tomatoes, but also frozen lemonade. I have been putting a glass of lemonade in the freezer almost daily.
Gender: I don't have a feeling either way yet...still just trying to make sure I have a baby in there!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Sushi
What I am looking forward to: My U/S on Wednesday!!!
Milestones: I bought baby books : )

We're Freezing Some Baby Batter

Yep, that's right! We're are freezing some of my DH's sperm for a back up. I thought you might like the title : ) See since the hcg injects are not approved for long term use in men, he has been instructed by his urologist to stop the injects when I am 12-13 weeks. He will then go back on a testosterone replacement, which will then cause him to be sterile once again. This is VERY scary to me. So the smart thing to do is to freeze 3-4 samples as back up in case something happens. I really wont feel safe until I am actually holding my baby in my arms and even then there is SIDS, RSV, so many things to worry about. This way, at least I know that we wont have to go through all the hurdles with DH to get healthy sperm. So for the rock bottom price of 640.00 we can freeze as many vials as we would like and that covers the storage costs for the first year. Then we pay 300 per year after that for the storage fee.

So, since we will be there next week for my u/s, DH is going to leave a sample then and we will also be having a consult with the lab director after my u/s. I have a lot of questions, because I have never used frozen sperm before so I have no idea how well it freezes, defrosts, how much you lose in thaw, how many vials should we freeze, etc.

This is the right thing to do, and it will defiantly put my mind at ease!

BTW: Isn't it take f.o.r.e.v.e.r for my first u/s to get here?? I feel like I have been waiting an eternity and it still feels so far away...this is killing me. One more week.

Mothers Day Recap

I started my day by opening my Secret Angel from a gift exchange that I participated in with my TTTC sisters that I love so much!! Thank you so much Tara for putting this all together!! We all agreed to open them on Mothers Day morning, and help each of one of them get through that tough tough day. See even though I have dealt with IF, I had secondary IF, so most of these women are still TTC #1, and all of them were in my hearts yesterday.

Preheated Oven was my secret angel and got me the Angel of Friendship, a gift set, and a cute pair of socks (she remembered that I was looking for cute socks!!) She sent 2 cards, one said this on the front:

"She discovered her real measurement had nothing to do with numbers or statistics"

and on the inside she wrote:

I am so happy you beat the statistics, wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!!" The other one said Strength on the front and she said "Always remember you have it" So thoughtful...

I cried when I opened the card and was just so thankful that I had such a amazing, supportive, caring, women there to help me along the way. So THANK YOU so much for the wonderful gift, I cherish it and I plan on wearing the socks to my first u/s next week!!!

Then, later that day my DH and Kay walked in from the store with some beautiful pink roses, a baby boy balloon (I will explain that in a minute), and a card that Kay had signed "I love you Mommy"

Now, onto why my DH got me a Baby Boy balloon. Ever since we started TTC, even before we had trouble DH always joked with me that I was going to have a boy because he knows that I want another girl so bad!!! So now, he has been telling me that I am PG with TWIN BOYS! It is sort of a ongoing joke between him and I so when he walked into the room with that balloon I about died laughing!! Anyways, I love it and I had a wonderful Mothers Day this year....so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward too.

5 Weeks

How far along: 5 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I haven't weighed myself, but hopefully nothing yet!

Maternity clothes: No, but I could use a bella band.

Stretch marks: No.

Sleep: YES! I am sleeping around 9-10 hours each night.

Best moment last week: Getting my beta back and scheduling my u/s.

Movement: not yet...way too early for that.

Food cravings: Tomatoes

Gender: Have no feelings either way, hoping for another girl : )

I miss: Dr. Pepper....I have been drinking no caffeine, only Sprite.

What I am looking forward to: My u/s!!! Cant wait to see my little baby(s)!!

Milestones: None really, but we did tell my family (only because they knew that we were going through fertility treatments)

Sisterhood Award

I was nominated by Ashley for a Sisterhood Award!! Thank you so much Ashley, and I very much enjoy reading your blog : )

Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate the following people:

Want, Wait, and Praying For Our Miracle

Our Journey To Infertility

Baby Manatee

The Happy Hours

Anythings Possible

Not The Path I Chose

Eggcetera

One More Little One

Not How I Planned

Maybe It's Just Me

Exhausted and Blissfully Pregnant!

Man oh man making a person is so tiring!! I have had no energy what so ever the last week or so. Going to bed at 9:00 every night and still tired throughout the day. But all I can think of is that my body is hard at working growing a baby and that's all that matters to me. I cant wait until my first u/s, just to know everything is okay and progressing as it is supposed to. IF still weighs heavy on my heart and until I know everything is okay I will be nervous (and checking the tp every time I wipe) May 20th is the big day!

A lot of people have been asking me what Kay's reaction was about becoming a big sister and the answer is she doesn't know yet, and I plan to keep it that way until 11-12 weeks. I just cant imagine how I would explain a m/c to a 5 year old if something was to go wrong. Also, I don't want to break her heart because I know she is going to be THRILLED beyond words once she finds out. So I just want to do the logical thing and wait to tell her...even though I am DYING too because I know she will be so excited!!

Symptoms as of now (pretty much the same):

~Boobs are less sore, but still bigger
~Tired
~Nauseous at various times, and the last few nights I have woken in the middle of the night thinking I was going to puke.
~Sense of smell is still crazy
~And OMG I have been craving tomatoes on everything!!

Beta # 2 **edited**

274 at 14dpo, so it more than doubled. YAY!!!!!!

I go in May 20th for my first U/S! I will be 6 1/2 weeks then so hopefully we will see a heartbeat!

SOOOOOO happy and thankful!

**EDIT** Below is the average hcg level in a singleton pregnancy, and my levels in red at the top. A little higher than normal, but betas aren't really the best indicator for twins, etc. But it is possible because I did have 3, possibly 4 eggs at trigger time : )

It is a really neat tool from BabyMed.com

Attack of The Pregnoid

I am now referred to as "pregnoid" by my husband. He called me that yesterday and I said "What did you just call me?" He said "Pregnoid, you have never heard of that before?" Ummmmm NO I haven't, but I think its funny!! It's like I have been taken over by some sort of alien life form.

Let me also just say how I still cant believe this is ME!! Me that posted a BFP, Me that posted my beta results, its just crazy to think that this is finally happening to me. I am seriously over the moon and absolutely thrilled beyond words!! There were many many months when I though these moment would never happen for me and now they are. I feel so lucky and blessed just to be able to say I AM PREGNANT!!! I seriously have a grin ear to ear just typing it!!!

Oh and for those that are still TTC or are curious as to what symptoms I am having so far, here they are:

-sore, big, veiny, boobs since 1 dpo

-very tired and have been going to bed early since 7dpo

-mild cramping 3 and 4 days dpo

-smelled peanut butter out of the blue around 9/10dpo...when I was PG with Kay I smelled onions! Weird huh?

-Peeing a lot

-My sense of smell has been off the charts and crazy. Like last night...I was popping popcorn in the microwave and it smelled like throw up to me. YUCK. I couldn't eat it after that.

-I was constipated for a few days around 8,9,10 dpo...very rare for me.

-sore, big, veiny boobs...oh did I say that already?? They are seriously out of control!!! You can even see in my trash the dress pictures below.

I should have beta #2 back sometime tomorrow!

I Got My Beta Back, Beta Back, Beta Back

I have been singing that all day in the Applebee's "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, tune : )

12 dpo my beta was 100!!

YAY!!! They said they like to see anything over 50 and I am 2 days early too (I wasn't supposed to test until tomorrow, or 14dpo) so that's even better! I am good with that...now please please please double!!

I go for beta number 2 in the morning!

THANK YOU ALL for all your well wishes and prayers along the way, it means so much to me.