The Adoption Diaries: Chapter 1

Just in case your not to speed on this whole Adoption Diary thing, read this.

{This post was originally written on 12-12-11}

Title: The A Word

Lord help me. I am about to blog about something I have been holding in. Not because I don't want to share (because I really want to SHOUT it from the roof tops) but because I'm scared that once I put it out there, it becomes "real". And then if it doesn't in fact happen, having it out there will some how make it worse. Its almost like telling someone your pregnant while your still in the first tri. Exactly like that actually. But I thought and thought about it and because you all are my support, my shoulder to lean on, I decided that I need you to know. Because, well I need you!!! This all comes down to that in a matter of a month, I COULD HAVE A BABY IN MY ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, a baby that would be mine. A baby that I wouldn't give back. Like I COULD BE ADOPTING A BABY!

Can someone please pinch me??? Because this isn't my life. I swear. It just isn't!!!

I haven't even wanted to really "talk" about it with anyone because I am just so scared. Scared to get my hopes up, scared it wont happen, scared something will jinx it, and scared that all this time and energy I'm starting to put into it is all for nothing.

But the facts are the facts, and that is that IN A MONTH (OR LESS) I COULD HAVE A BABY and one has to prepare for that!

So how did this happen? Well remember how I told you that L's mom was pregnant? When I found out she was expecting (back in October way before the whole L situation came about) I offered to adopt the baby, because I knew she couldn't take care of another one. Remember, this is BEFORE the whole L thing!! I was still cycling to as a matter of fact. But I offered and I was serious.

Nothing came of it, until I got L though. Once she was here, me and her mom started talking more and slowly starting having more and more conversations about my offer- ya know the A word.

As of yet, I still don't have a firm Yes or No answer, but during our last conversation (over an hour too I might add) I did tell her that I was pressuring her for an answer, that I know this is the hardest decsiosn she will ever have to make, but I just needed to know if this is something i need to be prepared for. Her response was all I needed. It was and I quote "Stay prepared".

She is on board, she knows its the right thing to do, and she knows the baby would go to a loving, deserving home. Its the birth father that is wavering. She mentioned them "trying" it out first, but I don't know whats going to happen. All I DO know is, and I told her this, I would be on a plane IN A SECOND if she calls me.

The baby (a girl!!!) is due mid January, but this is her 3rd baby. Next week she will be considered full term, so really "we are at the anytime now" status.

Holy shit.

Reactive Airway Diesease

This is also something I haven't blogged about. My poor little M's health issues. She officially has Reactive Airways Disease and has been on the nebulizer (or the breathing machine as we call it) for the past  2months, and will continue to stay on it twice a day at least until April :( Good thing is, is that the Dr. thinks she will outgrow it- either by elementary school, or if we are one of the lucky ones- high school.

Basically every time she even gets a slight runny nose (even if its from teething and not cold, etc.) she coughs and wheezes until we are on the verge of taking her to the ER. We've had a few VERY close calls this month where even after ALL the neb medications continually we couldn't get her breathing under control. It's VERY scary stuff.

She's also developed this very odd rash that runs along her "dermal nerve" down the back of her left leg. We've treated it every way possible, and over the last 4 months it hasn't gone away. BUT it also hasn't gotten worse, which is a good thing. However, wen she is truly sick I've noticed that it "flairs" up as I like to call it - basically it just gets redder. Here is a picture of it while red red red, she was in mid sickness:

When she's not sick, its still there, just not red. Very very VERY odd. Even my pedi who has 25 years experience has never seen anything quit like it. He does think they could be related to her RAD and that she has some sort of auto-immune issues. So Feb. 9th we are going to The Phoenix Children's Hospitals dermatology department- best of the best- to have it looked at and hopefully get some answers to this odd thing.

Since the arrival of this odd rash, bath time has become a NIGHTMARE. She literally scream bloody murder and WONT sit down in the water. It obviously bothers her skin, so they are a in out, get-er-done type process now, and also not everyday anymore. The pedi told me NOT to bath her everyday, which that is very hard for me. She's a toddler, and they are gross little things. So on the night of No Bath I give her a whore bath....you know....a wipe down with a washcloth ;) Ah..Poor M and the whore bath.

The Pedi did also say to "be prepared to see an allergist in the future, lets see about this rash first then we'll go from there".

So there you have. All of M's health issues. Bring on the neb twice a day (or more sometimes!) is challenging, but we are finding ways to make it doable. Poor little think is such a good girl, so knows its part of her routine and will just sit, and even hold it to her mouth/nose, while she waits till its over. I just hate this for her. No parent wants a sick child, especially one with ongoing issues like this. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY aware that things could be much worse, and count my lucky stars every day. I still cat believe I'm her momma and that she's my daughter. How did I get so lucky AGAIN?

Wordless Wednesday : Car Won't Start

I've Been Hiding a Secret

I've been holding in a secret from you guys. A secret that's been brewing for the last 2 months. It's over now, and although I wanted SO desperately to blog about it and have you all there to support me, I just couldn't let it out. I didn't tell you guys sooner, because I was trying to "protect" myself in case it didn't happen...trying not to get my hopes up..But I'm ready to come out now.

We have been going through the adoption process the last 2/3 months.

We were going to adopt L's unborn baby sister.....Who is now 2 weeks.

I had plane tickets booked, saved all M's baby stuff, and was already to purchase a vehicle that could fit my new family of 6.

Then the day after she was born. They changed their minds. And that was it. Just like that. It was over and there was nothing I could do. But cry.

I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. I crawled into my bed, my husband took care of the kids, and I stayed there for 18 hours. Numb. Going through waves of "Why are they doing this? Who is giving that baby a voice? She didn't ask to be born. To maybe thinking it wasn't meant to be, maybe this wasn't MY baby, maybe god saved me from a potential bad situation".

This is an excerpt from a blog draft. Written 1-13-12:

The mom was 150% on board, and the dad was almost there.....until she was born. 2 days ago on 1-11-12 at 5 lbs 4 oz. and 19 inches long. A healthy baby girl. And then they both decided that they couldn't let her go. That somehow love would be enough, even though they cant provide for the children they already have. 1 of them I HAVE. I will blog and actually hit Publish one day. But for now I grieve.

Well it was actually very very hard on me, and I have been trying to cope ever since that day.  I just never planned this. I was never prepared for any of this. This meaning a failed adoption, and I don't know how to deal with this or this loss.

I just knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. This whole "adoption" thing was NEVER part of my plan, and I just don't know how to deal. I was a fool. I knew this would happen. I knew she would change her mind once she held that baby....I am a mother after all, I know what it feels like right after you give birth, when nothing else matters. I knew if I wasnt there already this would happen.

The facts are is that you cant tell an infertile that's been desperately trying to have a baby for the last 2 years that you are going to give her your baby GIRL for 2 months then take it all away just like that.

Each day has gotten better, and I'm starting to realize that maybe this was for the best. As much as it hurts, it taught me a lot. It showed me how strong I actually am, and how HARD going through adoption really is. If you ever been through an adoption, failed or not, my hats off too you. When "they" say is the most intense emotional roller coaster you' ll ever be on, they weren't lying. Thats acutally an understatment if you ask me.

There were good days and bad, days of joy, and many feelings of unknown territory, but all days mostly filled with this undeniable fear that this just wont happen, all while trying to remain hopeful that soon you'll have a baby in your arms. How do you do that? How do you prepare for something for months and NOT get your hopes up? Tell me how that is possible?

It's VERY hard stuff. Stuff I never expected to have to deal with. But I did.

Lucky for me, I DID blog about it throughout the process, I just never published. So because of that, and because this is a part of "My Story" I will be publishing those posts over the next month. Titled The Adoption Diaries.

Thank you guys for always being there for me. For never judging me, and allowing me to be me in this web world. I love you. And although I needed you guys, even though you didn't know it, I knew you guys were there for me. I knew you'd all be here to either congratulate me on my new baby girl, or catch me when I fell. ufortunaty this post ends with me falling. But I'm okay.....I'll be okay.

Let's Talk Apps

I've discovered some simply awesome apps for my iPhone recently, but also there are some tried and true apps that I just cant live without. Apps that make me wonder, "how did I come along this far without this app?!" Here they are, the apps that changed my life in no particular order:

Vlingo (for us iPhone's without Siri) this app REALLY did change my life and works so well! Great for driving, or while doing your makeup.

Groupon, Amazon, and Living Social. I check all nightly. There really are some AMAZE deals on Groupon. I admit, I am so addicted I buy probably twice a week!

Run Keeper. I use it for my outdoor walks/hikes/runs/ It has a GPS so it tracks your distance and pace. It saves all your workouts too, so you can see your improvements.

Lose It. A food diary app that I have found to be the far easiest to use.

Fandango. Best, and easiest app to check movies, movie times, watch trailer, and even purchase tickets. We use this app ALL the time!

Food...Table. A meal planning app that I haven't really explored too much, but it looks so helpful. I WILL start using it soon.

And in my "Photography" section my favorite are Camera+, Vintage Cam, Instagram, Pic Collage, and PictureFrames. I am a picture taking FANATIC! I use all of these multiple times per day.

Budda. Daily inspirational quotes...for when I need a pick me up, or just to make me think or brighten  my day.

I am not even going to get into my "Kid, Toddler, or Games" apps...that's a whole other post right there. So if there anything that I'm missing? What are some of your cant live without apps (only iPhone users please, sorry android- you drool). Hee hee  I kid...I kid...not really..

Wordy Wordless Wednesday: Life Lately

More from M's Pinkalicious Party! Pictures by the amazing and oh so fabulous La Trisha at lsoucyphotography! She is a dear friend and I love her with a capital L.

That last picture is 4 generations! My grandmother on the left and my mother on the right, myself and my beautiful children! Amazing!

A rare sighting of the Hubs ;) and Yes, he wore Pink. She's got her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

We've spent a lot of time with friends, specifically Mya and M's brother from another mother Wyatt. She blogs- but not nearly often enough ; )

We've enjoyed playing with all of our new gifts from Christmas.

Kay and I have had some time to spend alone, which is so rare these days. We went shopping at H & M and had lunch together on Monday. It was divine and I love her so much. She really is growing up to be such a awesome, good, amazing, kind, smart, talented, beautiful, little girl. I am so blessed. How did I get so lucky?

And lastly, we've been spending a lot of time outdoors! Its been gorgeous out, and after the hellish summer, we are soaking in every second of this perfect weather!

Back to my regularly scheduling blogging soon.....and boy do I have A LOT to fill you in on. Miss You!

Everyone Love a Good Dance Party

PINKALICIOUS Party {Sneak Peak}

More to come...... :)

Therapeutic Run

Some of the most beautiful things have happened to me in the last few months, and I try to think of those things often, so I don't want this to be a woe is me post but I have to get this out.

There has been a LOT of turmoil in my life over the last few months as well. The infertility and the whole loss of a baby that never existed, welcoming L to our family, going through some of the scariest financial times of our life in regards to our business, weight gain from all the infertility shots and hormones, being DEATHLY ill with the flu on Christmas day and the whole week of my girls winter break, a 2 year old that's been diagnosed with early asthma, issues with my marriage that we are trying to work on, grandparents that raised me being VERY ill and in and out of hospitals, and so much more that I haven't even discussed on this blog. Then work! Work...To top it off my Secretary put in her 2 week notice (which really was 1 week and a day) on the day I was admitted to the hospital on my death bed with the flu.

So yeah. Talk me off the ledge. Its been a LOT.

But today....today I had a free morning (which is VERY rare these days) so I put M in the jogging stroller, threw on my running shoes, and I ran...

....and ran....and ran...and ran....and I pounded out all those angry feelings, all the aggression, all the disappointment, bitterness, feelings of betrayal...and I just let it out...and I literally ran and said out loud "Just let it go...just let it go".

My anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF the last few weeks and I think its because I've had so much going on. And to make matters worse, I haven't been able to exercise in the last 4 weeks because of all of the above. What I'm realizing is that this anxiety that's piling up is due to the fact that I haven't been able to let it out, and I cant cover it up with medication anymore.

It was at this very moment during the run, that I could totally relate to fighters, boxers, cage fighters, mui tai fighters, etc. I can see that those people are probably people that deal with a  lot of anger and disappointment, or are emotionally turmoiled souls. Those feelings probably make them better fighters, etc. and that's is their way to let it out. I could be wrong, but that's my thought....

So even as a 5'1 115lb blonde mother of 3 girls I can totally relate to a 220 lbs male boxer.

It felt so good to literally pound out and rn out all those feelings. And I can only imagine that that's how they feel after a good boxing.

This morning I ran until I felt free, until I felt cleansed, and until I felt like all of the baggage was left behind. On the pavement. No longer on my back.

Wordless Wednesday: Hair Appt Style

True Love

First Post of 2012

I decided I'm not going to do one of those 'looking back' posts. 2011 was a CRAZY ASS YEAR and lets just leave it at that K?

But what I am going to do is vow to make 2012 the best year I possibly can. I usually do make a New Years Resolution, but let me prefce that its always something completely reasonable- like for 2010 my NY resolution was to complete ALL my dental work! Took me till Septmeber, but I did it. See? Completely reasonable. Would I like to lose 30 lbs and hit the gym 6 days a week? SURE, but I know that is not reasonable!!!  And as a matter of fact I HATE THE GYM in Jan/Feb and look forward to March! Thats when my gym becomes back to normal once all those people fall off the wagon....serisouly, its packed until March. And it drives me nuts!

I've had a hard time finding a good resolution for 2012, but here's what I did manage to come up with (completely resonable ;)

• Start printing more of the 250 pictures a month I take. Everything is digital, which is great but my family hasn't received pictures in the snail mail since 2006.
• Make hard albums of said pics.
• Finish both my girls' baby books. I've always been good about updating (I update both bi monthly, but alas, neither have any PICS!
• Be more in the moment. Less worrying about my house, or the clutter and be more in the moment!
• Finally do things that make ME happy that doesn't involve kids, babies, or shopping. This is going to be TOUGH.
• And finally, take the time and get whatever professional help I need to to be okay with not having anymore kids. What I haven't blogged about the last couple days, is that I had  complete mental breakdown over all the TTC/ not TTC/ pregnancy announcements and kicks to the gut, and then all the M turning 2 stuff, and it I just literally broke down hysterically crying. It was real, it was in the moment, and it needed to come out. And I need to let it out more. I HAVE to start working on getting past this, rather than just distracting myself. Because that's exactly what I've been doing. Distracting myself from the pain and reality of never having another child and feeling completely robbed of the family I desire.

So there you have it my friends.

Lets get 2012 off to a great start and lets kick some ass and take some names!

And lastly, I will leave you all with some pics from M's Birthday Breakfast at IHOP yesterday!

{First time wearing makeup in a week because I was on my death bed for 6 days with the flu}

{Sunshine felt so good!}

{First time facing forward!}

{So happy to be alive and OUT}

{The prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen}

{My little Loralai (that's my nickname for her)}

{At their own tables like big girls}

{What M thought of anymore pictures}

{Special Socks}

Happy New Year!!!!