Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm Scared

Make that terrified of testing tomorrow!!

I was so optimistic until today, when the IF monster reared its ugly head and started making me feel foolish for really thinking this is it. See that's what IF does to you. On one hand you feel like this has GOT to be it after all we have been through, and then the ugly side says, are you kidding me if it didn't work by now its not going to. Like IF it not hard enough, but the BFN after BFN every month really takes a toll on your spirit after while. Its like having to pick up the pieces every 4 weeks. It is really hard and gets really old. Usually I am excited for Pee day as I like to call it, but this, this cycle is different. I am honestly scared to test. I told my DH today that I don't even want to test tomorrow for the simple fact that I am SO scared it didn't work. Its the fear. I really don't know how I am going to deal with another BFN, if anything I have a feeling that this BFN will be the hardest. It being my 3rd IUI, I just almost feel like if this was going to work it would have by now. We will do 1 more if this one was a bust and then pursue IVF once again. All I can do is PRAY that I see that one beautiful word I have been waiting to see for the last 22 months. PREGNANT.

This morning I watched this video from Tears and Hope and in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week I want everyone to please take a few minutes and watch it. If you are dealing with IF, you will relate. If you are not, you will get a glimpse of what it is like. When I watched it, I just cried. I cried because this video is ME. It is of MY life and MY journey. And sometimes the truth hurts. And that it did.


Lucky Jones said...

Wow... that was so powerful. I am in tears right now... thank you for sharing :)

Anonymous said...

good luck today. i completly understand your fears, my husband & I went through 6 IUI cycles before we got pregnant and on the last cycle i waited a whole week to test! i just new i couldnt handle another negative & thankfully we didnt have to. our son is now 3 and we are pregnant again - believe it or not the pain of IF wears off and i had the strength to do it again - but SO glad i did. thinking of you today