Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm Done...But Am I?

For those of you that are done having children, are you truly at peace with that decision? Can you say "I'm Done" and have no qualms about it? Or do you just accept that's the way it has to be for a specific reason (finances, IF, etc.)?

I get asked this questions almost every day...So are you going to have anymore? Is she going to be your last one? Are you gonna try for a boy?

And every time I get asked this I say "I don't think so, I am pretty sure we are done" and there is this little voice in my head that says- but are you? and it almost hurts for me to admit that yes- we will probably never have another child. I just am not to a place yet where I can say "Yes-I am done" in an honest way. I am not ready to think about the reality that is Miss M will be the last baby of mine that I will hold, that I will feed, that I will hold up to my face and take deep breathes of beautiful baby smell, and that she was my last pregnancy. I'm just not ready to accept that.

Here's the confusing part. I'm not sure I'm feeling this way is because I know I CANT have another baby, or if these are genuine feelings. You know that saying, you always want what you can have sort of thing. And if we were like normal fertiles and could just have sex and get pregnant, would I want to have another one? Or would I be popping birth control pills like tic tacs right now? Or is it because I am faced with that fact that I KNOW that I will never have another child because of a medical condition that makes me wish I could have another oneday? Infertility can really change the face of many many things in your life, and even though I am a success story, its still there.

But deep down in my heart I just don't feel done.

I casually talked to my DH the other night about this, and he looked at me with this "I knew this was gonna happen smirk on his face" because we had a very specific conversation while going through fertility treatments. He said to me, are you sure this is it? Your not going to get pregnant, have a baby, and then be crying to me that you want another one right? and at that point I just wanted A baby so badly that I said "yes, this is it". Even back then I wasn't sure though. Because how can you *really* know how you are going to feel about something in the future. The fact is, he made a huge compromise with me. He didn't want anymore children, and I desperately wanted another. I hate saying that he didn't want anymore, because obviously to go through what he did, he had to want it a little ; ) but he was perfectly fine just having Kay and going through our lives (remember he has a 2 children, a son and a daughter from his previous marriage).

So the other night, he said well then we've met in the middle. You really wanted 2 more, I didn't want anymore, so Miss M it is. And I guess he is right. But again, it still doesn't feel right and I'm not sure it ever will.


Momma V said...

I know exactly what you are saying. I was very lucky to have the four that I have with out any problems, and even in the hospital, almost 19 months ago I said "i feel complete, im done".

Now, not so much. I do know that we are done, but I dont feel like I'm done. It's so confusing.. I think a lot of women feel the way you and I do. It's hard to be "done" when we enjoy something so much!!

Mrs.SLC said...

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with infertility :/ My husband doesn't want anymore children. I already know now that I want just 1 more. My daughter is only 2 months old and I'm hoping that he will change his mind in a few years.

It hurts hearing him say that to me but I guess he just likes where we are in life with our finances and just one child. I can see his point but I know we would still be fine with just one more.

looking4#3 said...

During my pregnancy with my son, I was convinced I was/we were done! However, as soon as he was born, before even leaving the hospital, I knew I wasn't. My husband was. I told him immediately how I felt. He wasn't on board.

Like your husband, my husband "agreed" to having ONE. However, once my son started to get older, interact more, show a personality, he started to come around.

Then, as you know, we couldn't get pregnant. We did the whole IUI thing too, so I knew he was on board, but probably because I wanted it so bad.

Now, I know we are done. This LO is IT for us. I am trying to enjoy what will be my last pregnancy EVER. (of course if something 'unplanned' happened, that would be a different story--but I doubt that). I am trying to remember and hold onto every little kick, punch and hiccup. I know when she gets here I will smell her and try to capture it forever. But, I also know that she will be completing our family. She will be our final branch. Then, in many, many years to come, it will be up to my children to start nurturing their own trees as an extension of ours. And that, I am totally fine with!