Friday, October 23, 2009

Once an Infertile, Always an Infertile

I think the most common questions I see from any woman who has dealt with infertility and is now pregnant is..

When will it go away?
Why does is still sting every time I hear a pg announcement?
Will I always be this bitter?
I'm finally pregnant, so why does it still hurt so bad?

I have asked and still ask myself these questions all the time, and the truth is I don't think it will ever go away. I mean, how could I really think that something that had such an impact on my life would just fade away because of a positive pregnancy test? Because pregnancy was the ultimate goal I guess? But if I had been diagnosed and treated for a serious disease and was now better (not cured!), should I expect to just forget all the bumps and hurtles I had to jump to get better? I, like many SAIF'ers (Success after Infertility), had it in my mind too that it would be easier once I was finally pregnant. The truth is (and forgive me if I offend anyone) but unless I know they have struggled with IF it still hurts to hear people announce their pregnant. I am happy for them, but then the why me's? Why us? Why did we have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars, almost 2 years, and many many tears later to finally have something that most couple get for free one night in bed together? kick in. Its horrible! I hate feeling this way, I want to be truly happy for others who are expecting regardless if they had struggles or not. I don't want to be this bitter infertile who wears infertility like a badge, but the wound is still there and I don't know how or when the sting will go away. Or if it will ever go away. This is part of our lives, whether we like it or not, it's there. And the truth of the matter is....We are still infertile.

We don't have the option of having more children if we want. That is unless we want to spent another 2 years, thousands more dollars on treatments while working with RE's and a male infertility urologist paying for and doing more shots for DH all while praying that it will work the same the second time around. And that still doesn't guarantee us a pregnancy or a baby.

We are infertile. That will never go away. I guess I need to come to terms with it? But how does one do that? How does one begin to accept that without pain or resentment?

Some SAIF'ers have said that the sting will never go away but as the years go by it hurts less, but that is always still there...So I guess this is the next chapter of my IF journey, learning how to deal with my past (and reality!) and really move on from that dark dark place.


Jenni said...

Lisa, I haven't been there so I have no idea how it "feels" but I did see how much it hurt to not have that positive prego test time and time again. I could see it and I felt so bad for you. Not because I pitied you but, because I too wanted you to be prego.. :0)
But in regards to the Why me's? I know your a religous person so I know that you will understand when I say this - God does things for certain reasons, and he uses different people to teach others. I believe he has used you in a way to help others who are suffering from the same problems you were having - You have already started down that path by helping out at the benifit walk for infertility, and on the boards you are on.
Keep your head up girl. Your a very strong witted woman!!

Gina said...

I'm not really sure how to get over that feeling. I will say that the feeling has gotten a little "lighter" for me, BUT I still get annoyed if I hear people complain.

I HATE hearing people complain about carrying their child. I know that sometimes it is painful and uncomfortable. I get that, it happens to me too, but WHY do people feel its o.k. to say how terrible it is.

I want to tell those people what an amazing gift it is to be able to feel those things, and go though a healthy pregnancy, to be able to carry your child.

I guess I just get really worked up because it took us so long, and I didn't know if I would ever be able to experience all the things others complained about.

Karen said...

I can certainly relate to your post. I think this pregnancy has "softened the blow" for us over time, however, who knows when we try again if it will be a hard road or not? It is a hard time in my life that will always be a part of me and made me who I am today. I pray you are blessed again with another child and will not have a tough of time as you think. Take care.


Hopeful34 said...

Hey Lisa - I doubt the sting will ever go away. It is something i deal with everyday because i have a preg co-worker that just gets preg on a whim and is now on #3. I am heading to ivf but according to the dr's there's nothing wrong with either of us. It's hard to deal with. I think even when i get my bfp i will still be bitter towards women that it comes so easy for. It's just a part of us that i think i'll always have. Sometimes i still get bitter at seeing bfp posts!! Even when people have gone through so much. It just seems like everyone is passing by. I hardly know alot of the women on the IF board anymore..I'm sorry you are still feeling this way. I hope it gets easier with time...