PEE DAY take 22

And the verdict is
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
I'm PREGNANT!!!

I took a digital (pics later) and PREGNANT popped up right away!! I immediately woke up my DH and said HONEY...I'M PREGNANT, and he held me and I just burst into tears, and I cried, and cried, and cried. And we are not talking a little sobbing, I'm talking full out BALLING. After 22 months of trying I cant believe I am FINALLY pregnant!!!!!!!!!! Estimated due date is 1/09/10!!!!

I called my clinic to get a beta so I wait to do that. My head is somewhere else, I feel like this is a dream. PLEASE DON'T WAKE UP LISA!!!

P.S.

If you know me IRL, please don't post anything on Facebook or Myspace about it yet :)

I'm Scared

Make that terrified of testing tomorrow!!

I was so optimistic until today, when the IF monster reared its ugly head and started making me feel foolish for really thinking this is it. See that's what IF does to you. On one hand you feel like this has GOT to be it after all we have been through, and then the ugly side says, are you kidding me if it didn't work by now its not going to. Like IF it not hard enough, but the BFN after BFN every month really takes a toll on your spirit after while. Its like having to pick up the pieces every 4 weeks. It is really hard and gets really old. Usually I am excited for Pee day as I like to call it, but this, this cycle is different. I am honestly scared to test. I told my DH today that I don't even want to test tomorrow for the simple fact that I am SO scared it didn't work. Its the fear. I really don't know how I am going to deal with another BFN, if anything I have a feeling that this BFN will be the hardest. It being my 3rd IUI, I just almost feel like if this was going to work it would have by now. We will do 1 more if this one was a bust and then pursue IVF once again. All I can do is PRAY that I see that one beautiful word I have been waiting to see for the last 22 months. PREGNANT.

This morning I watched this video from Tears and Hope and in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week I want everyone to please take a few minutes and watch it. If you are dealing with IF, you will relate. If you are not, you will get a glimpse of what it is like. When I watched it, I just cried. I cried because this video is ME. It is of MY life and MY journey. And sometimes the truth hurts. And that it did.

Trash the Dress Pictures....YIPPEE!

I will post some more when I get the rest back!! SO much fun! OH and I couldn't fully zip my dress in the back, so she could only shoot me from the front...hahahahha! Not really though : (

Testing TOMORROW!!!!!!

The End of ICLW

Well today is the last day of ICLW and I have to say that this one has been fun! This is my second time participating in "comments are the new hug" game and I love it. The extra support from others in the IF world is so nice and I have also found a few new blogs to add to my daily reading list!

For those that stopped by my blog along the way, I hope you found it a good read and/or helpful and hopefully I found some new readers! So thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment!

So lets not stop commenting just because ICLW is over, lets just make it bigger and better next time : )

On the IF front:

2 days until testing!! Chart is looking pretty good still.

2 Things...

1.) Who were the 3 funny people that voted "To infinity and beyond" on my IUI poll?? LOL!! I'm mad you 3! And the verdict is in, most people think that we should try 1 or 2 more before moving onto IVF again. Falling right behind at only 1 vote away was to just move on now if this IUI doesn't work. If I get a BFN, we are planning on sitting down with the Dr. and seeing what he thinks. I am sure we will try 1-2 more with either clomid and follistim like last cycle or straight injects. We'll leave that up to the Dr.

2.) Anyone know where I can get some cute socks to wear for my visits with the vag cam/IUI's?? Preferably ones with babies or BFP's on them??? Just kidding about the babies, but seriously I want some cute socks to wear at my next visit!

Today is 8dpiui and I plan on testing Thursday! Hopefully this week goes by fast!

~~National Infertility Awareness Week~~

National Infertility Awareness Week is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. From the RESOLVE website, here are 7 things you can do to Take Charge!!

1. Educate yourself. Do you need to see a specialist?
2. Design a plan. Insurance info, options, support, we got you covered.
3. Become an advocate. No matter why you care, its easy to make an impact!
4. Send a free ecard message to someone special.
5. Impact your community-volunteer, host a support group, raise awareness.
6. Navigate the costs of family building.
7. Find Support.Do you need help coping with your infertility diagnosis?

6dpiui and Ready For The Weekend!

First off in the 15 months I have been charting I have never had such a beautiful chart! EVER! Have a look at my beautiful medically induced chart, it is wonderful in all its glory! But there it is...medically induced, so this could all mean nothing. Besides the sore bewbies (which I have every cycle I have done a IUI) I have also had some very minor cramping, which is new. I am not sure if it means anything or not, so I called my newly pg friend Mya and asked her if she had any cramping in the 2ww with her BFP, and she didn't. But she did say on the first tri board it is something that they discuss quite a bit, so I think it could be a good sign!

Honestly, I have tried to think about how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work, and I just don't know how I am going to deal with it. In the past, I have kept myself from getting too positive to somewhat act as a buffer when I get that BFN. It is a protective mechanism if you will.

This cycle was different. I was positive from the start and REALLY hopeful that this is in fact the one. I have often wondered if being positive this time around was silly of me. Because in the end of this 2ww I may just see another stark white pg test laughing in my face.

So should one going through IF not be positive and protect themselves from the let down every month? Or should one remain as positive and optimistic as possible only to be devastated and let down when it doesn't work? That is the million dollar question. What do you think?


Onto my fun filled weekend....

Tomorrow I am meeting up with a few other girls and a AMAZING photographer named Shelly from Ivy Studio's for a TRASH THE DRESS session!! I cant even begin to tell you how excited I am! I have wanted to do this since I got married and I am finally getting the opportunity. For those of you that don't know what this is, basically you put on your wedding dress and do very not wedding dress friendly things like jumping in a fountain, or rolling down a hill..so your trashing your dress!

I will post some pics as soon as I get some back, wish me luck...off to go get beautified for my shoot!

::::::::Oh please don't let my 12 pounds of IF weight gain prevent me from fitting in my wedding dress:::::::::::

Welcome to My Blog!

HAPPY ICLW!!!!

For my new readers here are the ABC's of me : ) Thanks Happy Hours for the idea!

Alaska, where we are cruising next month! So excited!

Baby-less since 2007.

Clomid. That evil bitch.

Dildo cam!! That thing gets more action than my husband!

Exuberant...or at least I think I am.

Follistim. My new best friend!

Guilty, is how I feel about not being able to give Kay a sibling.

Hcg. It is what my DH takes for his MFI and it has worked like a charm!!

IUI's, I am currently 3dpiui #3

July 2007, when we started TTC.

Kay, my beautiful 5 year old daughter

Lisa, my first name : )

Male factor, which is what my DH has. (low testosterone, count, motility, and morph)

Needles, I am a human pin cushion.

Ovulatory dysfunction, which is what I have. Great.

Progesterone supplements, gotta love them!

Quixotic, that's me!

RE, most of you know what this is unfortunately.

Secondary infertility. Who would have known?

Texas. Where I was born.

U/S, again a little too familiar with these.

Vegetarian. I don't eat any meat, eggs, or dairy!

Weight gain, which is a ugly side effect that clomid has given me.

X

Y

Z okay...I admit I couldn't think of anything for x, y, and z.

Walk of Hope Recap

I was lucky enough to be able to volunteer at the RESOLVE Walk of Hope 2009 yesterday! It was amazing, and I got the pleasure to meet some amazing couples that have struggled with infertility. It was so nice to be surrounded by people who are like me! Going through or have gone through what I am, and being open and talking about our struggles with out secrecy. It was quite refreshing! I met a lot of people who used or using donor eggs, actually I was surprised how many of them there were there! Good for them I thought! Not only that I got to meet a lot of IF kids and babies (lots of twins, and triplets, and even one or two sets of quads!)

To my surprise my RE was there with his wife and kids (3 year old IVF twins, that he did himself) so that was awesome to meet his wife and beautiful family. I also got to hang out with my favorite nurse from my clinic and her 3 kids. SO fun! I truly don't feel like just a patient when I am with them...to me they are my hope and my future to have the family I desire. I love them!

I did not win the free IVF obviously, even though I had 6 tickets in the bowl and there were only 166 registrants. I was pretty bummed but the women that won her and her husband were crying so I feel like they really deserved it. Plus, I really didn't want to switch clinics...although I would have in a heart beat for a free IVF!!

I didn't get too many pictures, because I was busy putting tattoo's on kids. That's what my job was, there was a whole kids entertainment area with a petting zoo, bounce houses, and a tattoo booth. Really fun, but here are the few pictures that I got.

Happy 5th Birthday Kay!!!

IUI #3 is Done

I'm home! IUI went perfectly and DH's count was 12.6 million. I am really feeling positive about this one! Here are the reasons why it is going to work this cycle:

*It my 3rd IUI (3rd times the charm, right?)

*I was the 7th insemination at my clinic this morning, and we all know lucky #7!! They have never had so many on a Saturday morning. I swear there is going to be a baby boom at my clinic and I want to be part of it!!

*My mom told me she had a feeling this morning that this one is going to work.

*I held my hand on my uterus and prayed the whole way home.

*Tomorrow is Kay's 5th birthday...what a better gift than a sibling?


Now the 2ww begins!

I DID IT!

I gave MYSELF my trigger shot last night!!! YAY!!

First time ever I have actually followed through and given myself the shot. I feel so proud of myself, like I deserve a IF badge or something. Well last night my DH was not feeling too well, I am didn't think it was very nice to wake him at 1 am to give me a shot, so before we went to bed I practiced. On a lemon : ) My main issue with not being able to shoot myself was always being unsure of how hard and fast to push the needle in. What if I go too fast and it hurts? What if I go to slow and don't get it in all the way? What if I have to pull it out and start over? So I practiced! I even held the lemon like my fat roll and jabbed the needle in just like it was my own skin. I even took a deep breath before the shot...lol. And I did it a few times until I felt comfortable.

As we went to bed, I told DH I will do my very best not to wake you. I woke up at 12:45 (well not really woke up, because I couldn't sleep last night...there is just something about knowing you have to get up in 2 hours and get a shot that makes it hard to sleep) to mix and prepare my meds. Now I don't know if its because I am just so sick of this shit, or if it was because I was tired and just wanted to get it over with, or simply because I knew I shouldn't wake up DH, but I sat down in the chair and just did it. And didn't think twice (like I usually do)!

Afterwards, I felt so proud and wondered to myself what was I so afraid of? It was NOTHING! Those needles are so sharp they just go right in pretty effortlessly.

So now I am all triggered! I go in in the morning for my IUI, hope and pray that DH's numbers are good! Oh and tomorrow is Kay's 5th birthday party!! (Oh and why do my IUI's always fall on a day where I have something major going on?) WOW- I cant believe she's 5, but that's a whole other post in itself...

Hopefully the third times the charm!!

Back From My Date With The Dildo Cam

Let me start off by saying how much I LOVE follistim! The combo cycle worked perfectly this go round, and I am very happy about my response! I am on CD 11 and at my follie check u/s this morning I have a 23, 22, 17, 15, a 12, and a few smaller ones. My lining looked great and measured at 11. So I am triggering tonight at 1:00 am! Gotta love those middle of the night shots. My IUI will be sat. morning at 11:00am. I should have 2, possibly 3 follies at IUI time. They don't think that the 15 will catch up, but there is a small chance it could, in that case I would have 4 follies. I have never in my life O'ed so early, well I usually don't O at all on my own, but with the clomid the last two cycles my IUI's were on day 17 & 18, this cycle it will be on CD 13!

I am SO getting knocked up this cycle...I can feel it : ) WooooHoooooo!

An Update: CD 10

I am now on CD 10. Stopped the clomid a few days ago, and took my last shot of Follistim on Monday night. I go in tomorrow for my follie check, but I am not expecting too much at this point. No achy ovaries yet...so I cant have that much going on, but we shall see. I am on my third day of OPK's (of course all negative so far) and that's pretty much it. I will have more to report after my date with the dildo cam tomorrow!

I do want to say that I usually get a bruise and am very sore at the injection site after every.single.shot in the past and this time NOTHING. No bruise, no soreness, nadda! I couldn't believe it and even made sure my DH was actually shooting me up. Of course he was, but that got me wondering and I think I have figured it out.

When I was on follistim before I was also on baby aspirin and a shot of low dose hcg everyday, so it was wither the baby aspirin that was causing it or the other shot. Either way, these have been a breeze!! YIPPIE!

Favorite Thing: Nail Art Pens!

I bought a Sally Hansen Nail Art Pen in white tonight..I am sure you have seen the ads in all the magazines. I was not so sure about it at first but wanted to try it out AND it is awesome!! I gave myself cute polka dots and a french mani! So much cheaper than going to the nail salon and you can still have super cute nails! So for those of you that were wondering about these, they rock!

Love it!

P.S. They have a bunch of other colors too!

Resolve's Walk of Hope 2009

This Sunday April 19th and I am walking and volunteering at RESOLVE's first annual Walk of Hope. The Walk of Hope is held to give hope to those facing infertility and to celebrate those families formed through adoption and medical intervention. For 1 in 8 couples in the United States, the dream of creating a family is a long, emotional and expensive journey. Infertility is a devastating disease, touching every aspect of life - physical, emotional, spiritual and financial.

I am so excited to be able to support a cause that has effected me so much and am looking forward to meeting others that have won or fighting the battle that is IF. For those that would like to donate to the cause, for every 50 dollars donated in my name I get a ticket to win a free IVF cycle!! Please email me (link in the about me section) if you are interested in donating in my name. Any dollar amount is appreciated.

Funds raised during this event will go to support RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. RESOLVE is a national non-profit 501(c)(3) organization that provides timely, compassionate support and information to those struggling with infertility. RESOLVE works to increase public awareness of the issues surrounding infertility and the various family-building options available to those facing this disease.

Thank you and this means so much to me. I am SO excited to participate in this event, I am really looking forward to it.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Hello Follistim Pen!

I have a love/hate relationship with this thing. I love it because it really is so easy to use and doesn't hurt one bit and I hate it because no matter how many of these I have done before I still cant manage to do the shot myself. And no one likes getting shots...I mean only a sadistic person or a junkie would, well that and maybe a person desperate for a baby! Anyways, I always chicken out at the last minute and have my DH do it. We all remember these photos from my first experience, and although it looks like I was doing the shot myself, I didn't...I backed out. Maybe one day I will finally give my own shot, until then its my DH's job! He joked tonight that Kaylee is going to think this is how babies are made...mommy and daddy give themselves shots and then comes a baby! We had to lock ourselves in the bathroom as she pounded on the door wondering what we were doing in there as I stood in front of the toilet as my husband sat there and stabbed (with a dart like motion!) a needle into my stomach. So not my idea of baby making.

Anyways, today is CD 4 and 2 doses of clomid and 1 shot down so far! And I am happy to report no hot flashes yet...although I don't usually get them until around 3 days after taking the first pill so we'll see if they start tomorrow.

Thinking Positive

Trying to find the positive in infertility is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. It really is. On my road I have managed to find a few of those needles though. I remember the agonizing days in early to mid 2008 of long dreadful annovulatory cycles, horrible s/a results, cysts, missing periods, and still trying to swallow the horse pill that is "we are infertile? what?". Now, even though I have not gotten that BFP I dream of, at least I am able to move on each cycle and continue treatments pretty much right away. That makes dealing with this so much easier. Because you don't have the time to suffer and wonder "why me?" because you are already working towards another shot. Literally, another shot. Being stuck in infertility limbo is probably the worst thing, aside from the BFN's every month, cycle after cycle. So this all got me thinking about what other positives I have managed to discover out of dealing with the most heartbreaking, unfair, why me, bitter infertile almost 2 years of my life. Here are some of those things:

• I hug my daughter much tighter now! I really thank god everyday for giving her to me. IF has made me so much more grateful for even being able to have her. I don't take one second for granted like some of the other "fertiles" out there. It has also made me realize what a true miracle each and every child is. I know how lucky I am!
• It has made me aware of how many couples are dealing with this. Like everyone else, I was in the dark about infertility and how many couples it effects. It has also made me want to spread the word and raise awareness and help others (including myself) learn how to not be ashamed or feel like we cant talk about these issues. IF is a medical issue and should be treated as so!
• It has made me realizes that no one deserves this, and that god isn't trying to tell me something. (Seriously at one point I thought because we weren't able to conceive on our own that it was gods way of telling us that we should not reproduce).
• It has made me closer to my husband. IF has the power to ripe couples apart. It is hard, emotionally draining, expensive, and the list goes on. For some couples this is too much, or they don't see eye to eye. And even though my DH has 2 children from his previous marriage and would be content with no more, he is going through all of this for me. Because he loves me and knows how much this means to me. Don't get me wrong, we have had rough patches and many of arguments about IF, but for the most part it has made us stronger.
• It has allowed to me to meet some of the most amazing, strong, supportive women on this planet!! These women on the TTTC board have made me see what a real sisterhood is all about. Even though we are brought together by something I would wish on no one; it is truly amazing and I am so lucky to have a place to go for undivided support and advise, where someone is going through what I am, and feels what I am feeling. It is not fake, it is not catty, it is real and its been a lifesaver to me.
• It has made me realizes that I can share my story and hopefully help someone along their IF struggle. The "blog" world is full of so much support and information. I have learned so much, and I truly don't feel alone in my journey like I once did.
• It has made me thankful and learn to appreciate the art of modern medicine. For without that I would not be able to have a child with my husband, or give Kay a sibling that she so desires. I understand that there are people out there who thinks we are "playing with gods plan" well I tell those people to walk in my shoes and then tell me that!

So to end my post, lets all try and find the positive in the things that we are struggling with. Lets try to learn and grow from it in some way. I refuse to let infertility rob me of everything. It has already taken SO much from me but I will not let it take my hope, my optimism, my chance to complete my family, and most of all my good spirit.

Changing It Up For IUI #3

I got the call back from my clinic about my protocol for this cycle and I will be doing a combined stimulation protocol. What does this mean? Well I will tell you my friends, it means I will do:

CD 3-7 50 mg of clomid
CD 4, 6, & 8 75 units of follistim

I still have to take the evil clomid! Damn, damn, damn. It makes me hot and fat and I hate it. I start OPK's on CD 8, and go in on CD 11 for my follie check. I really hope I get a good response with this combined stimulation, I am nervous that 75 units is not going to be enough, but I at the same time I worry about over stimming on a higher dose. I guess we'll just have to see how my body reacts. Until then, I'll be wondering and waiting.

If any of you have done clomid AND follistim leave me a comment and let me know how you responded! Thanks!

100th Post!

Yep, this is my 100th post on my blog! 100 posts about evil infertility mostly. I am sure my story doesn't end here, so hopefully all of you enjoy reading my blog and my hope is that I can help/support someone going through the same thing. I enjoy reading every ones comments, and I am really grateful for the support you give me. Its nice to know I have people out there that are rooting for me, and know what I am going through. My blog has also allowed me to find some of your great blogs and follow your stories through this process of trying to make (or grow) a family.

I cant believe how many of "us" are out there. I don't think anyone really knows unless they have been touched by infertility in some way. My goal is to change that. I want people to know that is a real problem, I want people to know that they can talk about these issues, I want people to not feel ashamed or feel like they have to hide their infertility (including myself), and most of all I want us all to have healthy babies!

So thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart!!! And keep posting on your blogs and commenting people...I am reading!

P.S. today is CD 1 : )

Take Two

Not pregnant. Do not collect 200, do not pass go, you are defiantly not pregnant so get over it.

I stopped the progesterone yesterday (I know I know) but I figured even if I was pregnant missing one day wasn't going to make or break anything. So now we wait....for AF that is. She better hurry.

Its Over

Not pregnant.

I tested this morning with FMU at 12dpo/iui and my one lonely line popped up. I am pretty upset this time around. I was prepared for our first IUI to fail, I never though I would be so lucky for it to work the first time and I was right. This time with 14 million sperm and 2 eggs I though we had a shot.

I am going to take my progesterone today and test again in the morning to be sure before I stop it. I just hope I don't have a crazy long 40 day cycle like last time and AF shows pretty quickly so we can move on.

And moving on are we...to injectables that is. I am going to be very honest. I am pretty scared. Scared of the bruises again, scared of over stimming, scared of the risks of multiples, and most of all scared it wont work.

Mommy Are You Starting To Get Pregneck?

Such a funny story from the other day. When I went to the Dr. I had to bring K with me. Well as I was being examined by the Dr. I told her that there was a chance I could be pregnant. Well anyone with kids knows that they hear EVERYTHING and even though she was content playing/coloring she heard me say that.

Poor little thing asked me with her ears all perked up as soon as the Dr. left "Mommy are you starting to get pregneck?" LOL that is not a typo, that's what she calls it....pregneck! I said "No honey not yet" she said "But I heard you tell the Dr. that you might have a baby in your tummy" I said "Yes I know, but that doesn't mean mommy has one yet, only that I could" and do you know what she said next....

"Mommy this is taking too long"