On The Road Again..

"Just cant wait to get on the road again.." I cant help but think of Donkey from Shrek : ) Moving on....

So tomorrow morning we are heading out for a camping trip this weekend up north! But this will not be regular camping, why you ask? Because we are too high maintenance to go "real" camping so we rented a RV! This will be the first time me or DH have done this....camping in a RV that is. We are really looking forward to it! We are going with a group of family and friends that all have RV's too. We will be picking it up later today, packing it up tonight, and leaving in the morning! The RV we rented looks similar to the one pictured and has all the amenities of home...

On the IF front, I dropped off DH's sample this morning at the RE's office so I will be anxiously awaiting to hear the results. I am really really curious to see if the new meds are helping out his swimmers at all yet. Even though I know it takes 3 months for the sperm population to turn over, it would be a nice surprise!!

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday weekend!!

We Have a Plan

I am back from the baby maker and armed with a plan!!

Next cycle we will be doing IUI, or intra uterine insemination. I will be taking 50mg. of clomid to induce ovulation, then when the time is right I will get a trigger shot to make me ovulate, then they will shoot DH's prepped sperm directly into my uterus....all this for a grand total of 770 dollars! Oh it feel so good to have a plan and finally feel like we are being proactive, even though with our MFI we still wont have as high of a success rate with IUI as a couple without MFI. We still feel like we should try this before jumping right to IVF, the RE agrees since we are all OOP.

Here is my only worry. Based on my usual cycle length DH may be out of town right around the time when my IUI should take place. Can you believe that shit? Out of all the days of the month, and the one cycle that we are doing treatments he will going away on business (he NEVER travels). He will only be gone 2 days so that makes it easier. I just have to HOPE AND PRAY PRAY PRAY that the timing works out for us. Alot is riding on when I start AF, so we'll see. It is going to going in the back of my mind, and yes I am worried about it but it is out of my control.

Before any of this happens the RE wants DH to get another S/A, which he will get this Thursday. He just wants to see if there is any improvement so far since being on the new meds. Hopefully we will see a improvement! If there is a improvement that will increase our odds of this working. So I am looking forward to that!!

Hormonally I am fine, everything came back normal. Even my prolactin level that they re tested came back fine the second time so thats good. Who knows why I don't ovulate, and the Dr. was not too concerned about it, his only response was "Don't worry we will induce ovulation" I still am on the fence about why I dont ovualte but whatev.

Life With a 4 Year Old

Is very interesting to say the least!! This is such a fun age but with that comes a whole new set of challenges. Its funny because as soon as you get used to one age or stage and get into the hang of things...they change on you and you have a whole new list of things to adapt too! It never ends, but it is rewarding to watch them learn and grow into little human beings. Right now Kay is really showing her independence. She wants to pour her own drinks, make her own cereal, wash her own hair. It makes me sad because it make me realize that she is growing up! She also thinks she knows everything, yet is also starting to ask A LOT of questions about everything. Like "How does the mailman know to bring the mail to our mailbox" followed by "Why does every house have a number", its funny because sometimes I don't have answers for all her little questions. It is hard to try to explain something that is SO SIMPLE to me. But I do the best I can and am trying to prepare myself for what she could possibly want to know about next. I am trying to expose her to as much as possible right now while she wants to absorb everything.

It is also a very dramatic, emotional, everything is SUCH big deal, age...which is funny at times. I can already see how mothers and daughter can not be the best of friends at times because last Saturday me and her were fighting like we were both 15 year old girls that were mad at each other. Oh the DRAMA! It was all because we were running late and she REFUSED to wear what I had out for her, which is normally would not be a big deal because I let her pick between a couple outfits, but this particular morning we did not have time for that. Then she would not let me help her put her cloths or shoes on. I mean we were LATE and all I could do was stand back and watch her INSIST that he skirt was on right, when in fact it was on backwards. Hey, you learn to pick your battles..I have learned that one the hard way. So we left, backwards skirt and all.

Another reason why I love this age so far is that now we can do fun things that not only she appreciates more but will also remember. We are starting to implement more traditions. Like recently we started "Friday Family Movie Fun Night" and boy does she look forward to that! Every Friday evening we go to blockbuster and she is allowed to pick out a movie (this last week it was Underdog) and then we get takeout from a place of her choice. Then we all sit together as a family, eat popcorn and enjoy the movie. I just want her to look back on her childhood and it be filled with great memories of things like that, because it is the little things that count not all the toys and trips, etc. She is just growing into this sweet, gracious, loving, dramatic : ) little girl and sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to enjoy these stages a little longer.

Is it Tuesday Yet?

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. This can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

Oh this is a quality I wish I was better at. Being patient....but the whole without becoming annoyed or upset part is where I go wrong. Infertility is sad lonely place filled with lots and lots of waiting and the longer you are faced with infertility the thinner the patience wears it seems. All you can do it take one day at a time and hope it goes by fast. It sucks because aside from this I live a very fulfilled and happy life, but the beast that is infertility forces me to want to rush though it at times. Can you imagine all that waiting only to be disappointed month after month after month. This has been my life for the past 13 months and there are women out there that have done this for YEARS. It is truly heartbreaking......but enough of my rambling.

Tuesday is my follow up RE appointment!! We will go over all of our test results and come up with a treatment plan. I am curious to know what all my b/w shows considering I am 26, healthy but have only ovulated once since January and if my prolactin still came back elevated. We'll see what the doctor says but I am just excited to actually get a chance to move in the right direction finally!!

Favorite Thing

I discovered these last year and have been hooked ever since!! Even my DH who is a very picky eater LOVES these Banana Crisps from Trader Joe's! So I was very sad that while shopping there yesterday I could not find them and began to panic. It turns out that they were just out of stock and that they would have them back in soon. Thank god!! It is 3 different kinds of banana's that are very thinly sliced and lightly sweetened. It is like eating potato chips and honestly I think that they are better than potato chips!! Not to mention that they are a much healthier option. But beware because they are just as addictive : )

My HSG Report

I am happy to report that my uterus looks great and I have no blockages in either of my tubes!!

Many of you know how nervous I was about getting this test done...mainly I was scared of the pain. I didn't feel a THING! Not one cramp or twinge of pain the entire time! The only uncomfortable part was when he inserted the speculum, but again not painful just uncomfortable. Once he did that he prepped my cervix by putting some numbing gel on it and let that sit for a few minutes. Then he inserted the catheter and told me that once he starts to put the dye in to let him know where I was pain wise and we would go from there.

As I laid there getting ready to embrace the pain, I started seeing the dye go in on the screen above me then I thought...is this it? When does the painful part start? I asked him and he said that was it! Okay cool...I can handle this. After all the dye was in he tilted my uterus in different positions, took a series of pictures, and then that was it over. He had to put some pressure on my cervix because I started bleeding (which is normal) and after a few minutes I went and got dressed. The whole procedure lasted maybe 20-25 minutes. Wow, all that worry for nothing..I feel so relieved to know that it is over and everything looks good.

I am having some AF type cramps and spotting now but other than that I am good!

Tomorrow is my HSG!

Or what I like to call "my scary test". I was really dreading having it done after reading about many others experiences about about how extremely painful it is. Now that I have had to wait a long cycle out due to the cyst, I am actually looking forward to it. No, not the pain or excitement (insert sarcasm here) of having dye forced through my uterus, but the fact that this test will bring me one step closer to having a baby. I would do anything if it meant me finally getting PG.

So hopefully it wont be so bad and everything will look as it should. Click here to read more about the HSG test for those who are unfamiliar with it.

Attack of the Fertiles

They are EVERYWHERE.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by fertile women their pregnancies and/or their kid(s), yes that is plural because either they have 2 or more children already, or a 1-3 year old and one on the way. I feel almost as if they are flaunting the fact that they are fertile and I am not.

I took Kay to a popular play area here the other day and I was defiantly the minority. These places are the breeding ground for fertiles. I was the ONLY one out of say 30-40 moms that only had ONE child and was NOT pregnant. It breaks my heart being anywhere like that now because all I see is siblings playing together and pregnant moms. While I was there I struck up a few conversations with some other mothers. I always get the obligatory "Is she your only one?" but today it was more than that, great more people reminding that I am the infertile minority. This time it was "You decided to have only one huh?". "She really wants a sibling mom you should give her one" and "She is so pretty you HAVE to have another one" GEE if it were only that easy.....

Needless to say it was a hard day. Fertiles just don't understand. I envy the fact that they can just say "Oh honey lets have another baby" and have sex (wow what a concept!) and BAM they are pregnant. These women have no idea how lucky they are.....

My DH always tries to tell me not to think about it...well the truth is that I cant escape it. Everywhere I go, no matter what time of the day, there they are.

The Great Debate

Many of you know that I am a vegetarian. I chose not to eat meat, dairy, or eggs because of the things our meat industry pumps into our cows, pigs, and chickens simply to increase there profits and due to the unethical treatment of these animals. It is a personal choice, and one that I do not push anyone. Not my husband, or even my own child for that matter. I am not going to deny Kaylee chicken or ham because she likes it. When she gets older she can make her own choice, but for now as her parent I am going to at least make sure she is putting the best food into her body. I buy them only organic, steroid free, range free, hormone free, and antibiotic free meat, eggs, and milk. I certainly don't want Kay growing boobs at 8 years old or starting her period at 9 because she has been pumped with hormones since the age of 2. These are all things I feel have been brought on in recent years by all the hormones, etc. they shoot into the animals. It is the same concept as women on hormones gaining weight while doing doing fertility treatments..same thing with animals, except for then we eat them. Yeah..

Think about it, the more meat they make, the more they sell, the more money they make. So they do what ever they can to increase the meat production and they don't give a shit what they have to do to get there, not to mention how they actually treat these animal. If I told you half the things I have researched you would be APPALLED. It is a business just like any other business, they want to make money! These are things we put into our bodies and feed to our children. They should give a shit but they don't. And don't for a second think that you have the USDA on your side keeping your food safe because they don't give a shit either. The USDA has been accused of overlooking these practices, lying about lab reports, altering records, and pressuring staff to lie about these events. They are business first and safety last. I could go on about this for days because I am very passionate about this but I wont do that to you. So all I ask, and for your own good, is that if your going eat meat at least be aware of what you are putting into your body...Now onto the Great Debate....

My husband is adimit that when I get pregnant with our child that I HAVE to eat meat. He thinks there is no way that I can be pregnant and have a healthy child without eating meat and getting protein. First of all, that is NOT going to happen. I will not start eating meat just because I get PG. Second, I did not eat meat when I was PG with Kaylee and she turned out just fine. She weighed 7lbs 3oz at birth and didn't have a third arm growing out of her head. The bottom line is that he can not argue with me about it because he is not informed about it. I, being a vegetarian know what foods I have to eat to get the proper protein I need daily. He has no clue. There are a lot of myths about protein. Most people seem to think that we as humans need ALL THIS PROTEIN in our diet and that is just false. Yes, I know too little is not good for you, but so is too much. Especially the dead animal flesh kind. With a well balanced proper diet, vegetarians get plenty of protein they need. I am doing my best to try and educate him about this but it really frustrates me when he try's to demand I eat meat when I am carrying his child. I think the only way I will ever really get through to him is by having my Dr. talk to him about it.

Until then..every night at the dinner table.....The Great Debate will continue.

One Month

That is how long I have been smoke free! It is has been exactly one month and one day since I had my last cigarette and I don't miss it at all!! All my cravings are gone, and I actually think it is disgusting and stinky now. It is hard to believe that the smell that is making me gag now, is the same smell that a month ago I longed for.

I really do think that I will never smoke again. This time feels different from all the other times I tried to quit. I am very proud of myself and think I can now officially call myself a NON-SMOKER!

Finally Some Good News!

I am happy to report that I had my u/s this morning and my cyst is GONE! I am so thankful and happy that we finally have some good news because I don't think I would have been able to handle more bad news right now!! So YAY we can finally start taking steps in the right direction!

Some interesting news I found out is that when I had my b/w done last cycle my prolactin level came back elevated. Prolactin is a hormone from the pituitary gland and is primarily produced in lactating women. WTF?! They did say that it was only elevated by a point or 2, but they were going to re test it today along with all my other b/w that I needed to get done. So we'll see.

Now I can move forward and get my other testing finished! I have my HSG scheduled for next Monday the 18th, and then a follow up appointment with my RE on the 26th to go over all my test results and come up with a PLAN!!! I am so happy and excited that hopefully next cycle we will be doing some sort of treatment!

You Like?

So I decided to break away from the standard blogger template. Mine just looked so blah. The things is that I did not want to totally change it so I tried to stay with the same sort of colors, font, etc. Maybe I am just a creature of habit. I hope everyone likes it! And most importantly I still want it to be easy to read, so if you have any thoughts or suggestions please leave a comment!

Me and my husband on going on a date night tonight to see Bill Maher. We really like watching his show on HBO so we are really looking forward to it!

Then its off to go get vag cammed in the morning : )

Got The Call Back

They did not have any openings today, so I am going in on Sunday morning at 8:45 am! They had a opening tomorrow morning, but Kay has dance class and it is the first one of the new dance school year so she cant miss it.

So Sunday it is! I will update after my appointment. Wish me luck!

A New Leaf

After a 36 day cycle the bitch finally showed up this morning!!! Thank god!

Today is offically CD1 of what hopefully will be a new chapter! I left a message with the nurses line and hopefully I will be able to get in today for my baseline stuff and cyst check. I don't want to waste another day "waiting" so I really hope they can fit me in somewhere. I pray that the cyst is gone and we can get the baby ball rolling.....finally.

I also want to have a meeting with the RE to go over my DH's S/A results and see what he thinks about us trying IUI's. DH is not ready financially for IVF just yet (we are all OOP) but is okay with IUI's for now. He knows that the HCG injects are helping, he can feel it, and there are other signs that it is working too. So we are hoping that the Dr. agrees and maybe we have a good chance with IUI's.

We'll see!!

"He who has hope has everything." - Arabian Proverb

Fertile vs. Infertile Women

I saw this somewhere and had to share...sad but SO true!!


Faint line at 11dpo
Fertile Woman: “I’m pregnant!” (tells friends, family and sticks a pregnancy ticker on her siggy)
IF Woman: “It’s probably a false positive….”

Strong line at 15dpo
Fertile Woman: Picking names…
IF Woman: “I’m not pregnant until its official with a beta”

Beta #1 comes back great
Fertile Woman: “I’m sure its twins”
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a doubling beta”

Beta doubles
Fertile Woman: Starts working on designs for the nursery
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a heartbeat”

Heartbeat
Fertile Woman: Starts shopping for maternity clothes…
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I’m past the first trimester…”

End of First Trimester
Fertile Woman: “I can’t wait to know boy or girl already!”
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until my amnio comes back OK….”

End of Second Trimester
Fertile Woman: Has a baby shower
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief till I’m clear for gestational diabetes and Rh antibodies…”

Third Trimester
Fertile Woman: “Pregnancy sucks. I can’t wait till he/she is here already”
IF Woman: “Wow.. I actually may be pregnant..!”

Birth of the baby
Fertile Woman: “We have a baby!”
IF Woman: “We have a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Are You Kidding Me?

I CAN NOT GET AWAY FROM BABIES. I swear the fertile world is against me. This is on my dashboard here on blogger.com

The latest from Blogger Buzz
Blogger Babies
August 4, 2008 — permalink
Babies are all the buzz at Blogger. Within the last few months we've had three new additions to the Blogger Team: Ryan, Aditya, and Haley. Although it'll probably be a few years before they start sounding off themselves, we get to post some cute pics of them now.

Great, now even the place come to vent about infertility is putting babies in my face. Thanks a lot blogger!

CD 34 and The Secret

AGHHH! I am now on CD 34 and still no AF. For you charters out there, I did have tiny temp drop today but nothing significant. Damn it! The longest cycle I have ever had was 35 days, and here I am on CD 34 and no sign of her yet. This is not even right. I don't think I have ever wanted AF so badly and here I am with what probably will be my record for longest cycle. GO FIGURE! I better have another temp dip tomorrow or I am going to go postal. I am not even nervous about the scary HSG test anymore, I actually WANT to get it done. That will mean that I will finally be on my way to some answers and some sort of treatment.

I am really trying to be positive, but after being kicked when your down so many times it makes it really hard. Every time I get like this (bitter and negative) I pick up The Secret and read it again. It always puts me back in a good place again, but I let my friend Ambie borrow it, so I don't have it now. I am a firm believer in that you get what you put out there, so if you are negative all the time, negative things will happen to you and vice versa. I don't believe in everything that the book says, but the general message. I don't believe, for example, that if you THINK you are skinny, that you will be and that's it. I do believe however that if you think that your body is a gift and and that you deserve it, and that food is nourishment for your body you will be thinner because you will make better food choices.

If you wake up thinking bad or negative thoughts and think to yourself "I am going to have a bad day today" do you think you are going to have a good happy day? NO! Your going to have a shitty day because you started your day off like that. You get what you put out there. You set yourself up for a terrible day. If you wake up and the first thing you do is be thankful for all the good and wonderful things in your life I guarantee you will have a better day. It really does make a difference in your life having that kind of mind frame all the time!! You are the only one that is in charge of YOU. You are the only one that can control how you feel, what kind of outlook you are going to have, and your life. It is also very easy to get off track and let the negativity from day to day life take over, but like anything else it is how you acknowledge that and move on from difficult times that define you.

So for those of you that have not read The Secret I suggest you pick it up!! Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to wake up with a more positive outlook, be thankful for all that I do have, and hopefully start my period : )

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I go onto the success after IF board once in a while to follow up on some of the TTTC'ers who have graduated but EVERY time I end up leaving depressed and on the verge of tears. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY happy for these women!!! These aren't the usual fertiles I am jealous of, each and everyone of those women deserves this and I am truly overjoyed for them. If I could personally congratulate each one of them I would. They all have dealt with IF and know what a miracle pregnancy actually is and how lucky they are. They also give me hope because they have over come their challenges with infertility and all gotten pregnant. So that's not the issue...

I just get so sad being overwhelmed with all the pregnancy tickers, belly shots, u/s pics, due dates, and baby pics. I just want to be one of them so bad and for this horrible chapter in my life to be over.

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but I cant possibly see any reason why this is happening to me or what good can come out of struggling with infertility. It is simply not fair.

Happy Birthday To Me

WOW another year older! I am turning 26 today, and although I am not nearly as freaked out as when I turned 25, it is still crazy to think that I am 26. Another year closer to 30. YIKES! Not that I think that is old, because it is not old at all!! I just cant imagine ME being that age. I really do think that 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and so on.

Birthdays have always been a really big deal to me. I am not sure if it is because I was pretty much a only child and was spoiled rotten on every birthday as a child or what, but even as a adult my birthday celebrations last AT LEAST 3-4 days prior and post my actual birthday.

So it all started 2 days ago. I went to the most upscale mall here and got my new Michael Kors bag and spent the day shopping. It was for quitting smoking and my birthday gift sort of thing. They did not have the exact one I wanted (it sold out), but I gone one that was equally fabulous!!! It is so new, that the ad campaign for it is not even out yet! So I am VERY excited about my new purse....made me a very happy girl. I got a few other things as well. It was a nice day of retail therapy for me.

Since today is my actual birthday today I am having a dinner with my family at an old Italian spot here. It has been a family favorite for years now and it will be nice to have everyone together to celebrate. Then tomorrow night my parents are keeping Kaylee and DH is taking me to Trader Vic's. I have been DIEING to go there since it opened, so I am very excited!! So all in all it should be a great birthday this year.

P.S. I am on CD 30 and still waiting for AF! I have been PMSing pretty bad so hopefully she shows up soon before I kill someone.