Friday, August 27, 2010

iPhone Photos and The Past, The Present, and The Future

Last night while laying in bed setting my alarm on my phone, I decided I'd scroll through the 375 pictures on my iPhone (Yes, 374 pictures and 44 videos to be exact!) I went back towards the beginning, and saw this:


I was about 20-24 weeks pregnant here, and I miss it :( Just seeing my belly and knowing that Little M was growing in there makes me miss it so much more. Then I found these frighting national geographic photos:



Yeah. Pretty impressive huh?! I was about 37 weeks here, and even though I look like a dumpling in these photos, and most people would be screaming about how miserable and swollen they were.....I didn't, I loved every minute and I miss it :( 

Then I found these from when M was first born:



and I looked at how cute and small she was...



And I started to cry.

I just cant believe how big she is getting, how fast it is going, and how much I miss her being a baby already...even though she's still a baby. I know that in a blink of an eye I will be standing at the doors of a preschool sending  my baby away and in a blink of an eye this will be over. All these little things that I never want to forget will slowly fade away, and as each day that goes by she will become farther and farther from being "my little baby" and will be inching closer and closer to becoming a little person.

I sat there and sobbed quietly, then my husband walked in. He asked what I was doing and why I was upset. I told him how I just cant believe that M is a "big" baby now, and its makes me so sad to think about her getting bigger. Right then and there I wanted to go grab her out of her crib, squeeze her tightly, bring her to my bed, and cuddle with her all night. But I didn't. I just lied there and cried. Until I saw this:


that made me laugh for a minute....

But then I saw these and started to cry again:



I look at Kay and cant imagine her ever being that small., and I look at M and cant imagine he ever being that big. DH said to me, "Cant you wait to see what kind of little girl she becomes, cant you wait to see her growing up, cant you wait to see what she's like when she's Kay's age?" and the answer is NO! I CAN WAIT! And I wish I could wait. Because the closer I get to that, the father away from being a baby she will become. I wish I could make it stop- and I know every mother says this because it is true. It all goes by way too fast. Seriously. I look at Kay and cant believe how big she is, and just know that in another blink of an eye, she'll be off to high school, crying over boys, and giving me another anxiety disorder.

Part of me knows that that was the last time I'll ever be pregnant, that this will be the last time I mother a infant, and part of me knows that maybe, just maybe, I can talk my DH into trying for another sometime in the future. Even if that part is small and even if our odds are low with only 2 samples of crappy frozen sperm, but part of me knows that that answer will probably be no before we ever even got that far. So instead of facing that issue, talking to my husband, and seeing where our reproductive future lies. I keep in it. I don't brig it up, for fear that if I do, I will hear the word no and wont be able to accept it. So for now- I hold on to that other "part" because sometimes ignorance is bliss.  

11 comments:

Amy said...

You totally made me cry. I have had the same thoughts lately and i can't believe my baby boy is 10 months old. Can't believe it. Wish i could slow it down. We will (god willing) have another but i don't want THIS baby to grow up anymore. It went too fast and i feel like i miss a lot at work and i coudl go on and on and on....

WantWait&Pray said...

I had a big lump in my throat reading this. It is so true.....it hurts how fast things go and how bittersweet it is. While you are excited for the next phase, you want it to come slowly. I have had many crying episodes looking at old pictures and my babies are only 3 months! Let this be a reminder to slow down, take a breath and memorize each day because it is over in a blink of an eye!

Momma Wilson said...

such a bittersweet post girl!

Stephanie said...

What a beautiful post. You expressed the bittersweet nature of motherhood perfectly. My daughter is only 6.5 months old and I avoid looking at pictures from when she was first born because it makes me sad to know that she has grown and changed so much in such little time. I look forward to the future and to seeing her continue to develop into her little person but I am sad to know that my days with her as my tiny little baby are numbered.

andrea said...

Aw sweety! I wish I could help! I love when people that want children, need children, BREATHE for children get them and love them to pieces. Just know that you are giving these girls the best home and they are so lucky to be loved the way they are. And at the very least, you've raised two productive, fabulous, unbelievably loved girls.

Alice said...

Lisa, I know right where you're at right now. It's so sad for me to think of little Vivian all big...I don't want to think about it! I forget how tiny she once was and when I see a pic or video of her during that time it makes me sad. The thing is, I don't want another baby...I just want to keep this one a baby forever.

Lisa said...

Alice,

I too want to keep M a baby forever!! Its not like I ever want to replace her, and always want a baby around...I want HER around, so I feel you on that.

I do however have a hard time accepting that this will be the last little baby I have- hense why I kind of wnat another, but I am torn on that too because I dont nessisarily want 3 kids...and that doesnt make much sense does it?! hahahha but thats a whole other post in itself coming soon....

Kristen said...

You had the cutest belly ever! Seriously!

Jennifer said...

Such a sweet post :) Your girls are just beautiful. I wish I could hit the pause button and freeze the boys age for a few months. I miss being able to hold my boys like they were babies. I miss being pregnant. I'm glad you have so many pictures on your phone -- you'll always be able to look back at them and they'll bring a smile to your face.

Jen said...

I LOVE looking back at pictures on my phone. It brings back so many memories!

Amanda-The Nutritionist Reviews said...

Those are some great pictures and you have beautiful girls. Just found your blog through another blog!