iPhone Photos and The Past, The Present, and The Future

Last night while laying in bed setting my alarm on my phone, I decided I'd scroll through the 375 pictures on my iPhone (Yes, 374 pictures and 44 videos to be exact!) I went back towards the beginning, and saw this:

I was about 20-24 weeks pregnant here, and I miss it :( Just seeing my belly and knowing that Little M was growing in there makes me miss it so much more. Then I found these frighting national geographic photos:

Yeah. Pretty impressive huh?! I was about 37 weeks here, and even though I look like a dumpling in these photos, and most people would be screaming about how miserable and swollen they were.....I didn't, I loved every minute and I miss it :( 

Then I found these from when M was first born:

and I looked at how cute and small she was...

And I started to cry.

I just cant believe how big she is getting, how fast it is going, and how much I miss her being a baby already...even though she's still a baby. I know that in a blink of an eye I will be standing at the doors of a preschool sending  my baby away and in a blink of an eye this will be over. All these little things that I never want to forget will slowly fade away, and as each day that goes by she will become farther and farther from being "my little baby" and will be inching closer and closer to becoming a little person.

I sat there and sobbed quietly, then my husband walked in. He asked what I was doing and why I was upset. I told him how I just cant believe that M is a "big" baby now, and its makes me so sad to think about her getting bigger. Right then and there I wanted to go grab her out of her crib, squeeze her tightly, bring her to my bed, and cuddle with her all night. But I didn't. I just lied there and cried. Until I saw this:

that made me laugh for a minute....

But then I saw these and started to cry again:

I look at Kay and cant imagine her ever being that small., and I look at M and cant imagine he ever being that big. DH said to me, "Cant you wait to see what kind of little girl she becomes, cant you wait to see her growing up, cant you wait to see what she's like when she's Kay's age?" and the answer is NO! I CAN WAIT! And I wish I could wait. Because the closer I get to that, the father away from being a baby she will become. I wish I could make it stop- and I know every mother says this because it is true. It all goes by way too fast. Seriously. I look at Kay and cant believe how big she is, and just know that in another blink of an eye, she'll be off to high school, crying over boys, and giving me another anxiety disorder.

Part of me knows that that was the last time I'll ever be pregnant, that this will be the last time I mother a infant, and part of me knows that maybe, just maybe, I can talk my DH into trying for another sometime in the future. Even if that part is small and even if our odds are low with only 2 samples of crappy frozen sperm, but part of me knows that that answer will probably be no before we ever even got that far. So instead of facing that issue, talking to my husband, and seeing where our reproductive future lies. I keep in it. I don't brig it up, for fear that if I do, I will hear the word no and wont be able to accept it. So for now- I hold on to that other "part" because sometimes ignorance is bliss.