The I want another baby closet that is :(
I honestly felt like I was harboring a secret for the last couple months, and really I was. I have had these thoughts and feelings for a long time and was too afraid to talk to my husband about it for fear that the first words out of his mouth would be NO way! But instead I got a smirk. Not a no, or your crazy, or absolutely hell no, I got a smirk. My husband is a entrepreneur, and acts like one to the core- so I feel like if it was a NO, he would have said no right out the gate. It wasn't a serious conversation, but rather "She's so cute, we have to have another, and " Little M really wants a little sister" (I know yall think I'm crazy wanting to fill my house with girls!), and light hearted comments like that. I didn't want to come out swinging just yet- but rather warm him up to the idea.
But see we had an agreement while TTC her that we would only have 1 child, and that would be it. He has 2 from a previous (they are grown) I had Kay, and we would have one together. I vividly remember standing our bedroom at the end of my rope and in the midst of a treatment cycle, and my husband saying to me "After all this, this is it right?" and in pure desperation, I said yes. I wanted a baby so badly at that moment that I wasn't even thinking about the future, or how I would feel later on, or if I would ever want more children. I mean, I couldn't even get pregnant with one baby, how in the world could I be thinking about trying for another in the future when I didn't know what the turn out was going to be with this.
I see the joy that our girls bring to my husband. I see his eyes light up when he looks at them, and I know deep down inside that we wouldn't mind having another. But I honestly think its hard for him to come to terms with those feelings. He's never been into kids, never wanted a big family, didn't care to have anymore kids when we met. But he is different person now. He loves them and you can see it! They make him so happy! He's Daddy!
So yesterday was our anniversary, we decided not to do gifts this year. Usually the hubs will buy me a new bag, or something else I've been eying on, but this year we decided to just go have a nice dinner. I had to go pick Kay up from school and he asked me to stop and get him a Dr. Pepper at the store.
::::Back story here: before we went to Italy, he was hooked on Dr. Pepper, he had to drink it everyday. Well in Italy there was no DP, so he detoxed and agreed that when we came back to the states, that he wouldn't start back up again. I told him I would no longer support his habit, and would not buy it at the grocery store either. About a week after we got home he started buying and hiding it in the fridge. So he's back on the crack! But I still wont buy it!::::
He told me that could be my anniversary gift to him- a Dr. Pepper. I told him "Fine, give me a baby and I'll get you a Dr. Pepper" Now I don't know, but he must have wanted that Dr. Pepper really badly because he laughed and said "Someday" and smiled at me!
HE SAID SOMEDAY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!
Which of course in my book, is a YES! I said, "Someday, what does that mean?" he said "she's too little, maybe in another year, year and a half." Then he followed that with "You don't really want another one do you?" "It will take away from M and she'll have competition" You don't really want to do that do you...? I said "Well I don't exactly see it that way, and yes I want another! M wants a sister, she told me!"
And I left to pick up Kay from school.
The joy I felt driving to her school was incredible. Because to me, it meant I had a shot. That this could really happen. I was in bliss for about 20 minutes until I got home. Then I realized...wait, how exactly would we even do this? If you've been following this blog, you know it's not that easy for us. It's even less easy now because DH is on male birth control (aka testosterone shots). I don't think either of us would be willing to another 12 months + experimenting to try and get new sperm producing again- and who's to say it would even work this time? I just don't think that's an option anymore. We do have 2 crappy frozen sperm samples, and I think that would be our only hope. But atleast we have something....
I haven't even wrapped my head around how it would be to put myself back there again. It is such a dark dark place. What if it didn't work? What if we used all the sperm and still got no baby? All the emotions and bitterness and let downs...I just don't know how I would handle all that again. And lets not forget about the money!
I still have resentment and jealously about our infertility issues. I'm still bitter when I hear pregnancy announcements- its still hurts. One of the biggest misconceptions about having a successful pregnancy after dealing with infertility is that all those feelings go away, and because you've had a baby, its all better now. But the reality is that- its not. We are still infertile and we still cant build a family "the old fashion way". Its still a open wound for me.
Anyways- I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but I needed to get it out there. I'm not sure where this road will lead, or where it will end. So for now I'm just going to put it all aside and just hold on to the "Someday"......