What Have I Got Myself Into

Yesterday was my consult with my RE (aka the baby making Dr.). Driving there I had butterflies in my stomach...wondering how I was going to feel walking in there again. Part of me was so scared that all those nasty feelings would come rushing back and part of me was very excited! Part of me couldn't believe I was actually doing what I was doing. Going BACK to the infertility Dr! It all just seemed so surreal driving there. Do I really want to do this all again? Do I really want to put myself back in that place? I keep telling myself that this was just a consult, just an appointment to see what our options are and I really have been looking forward to this but reality hit me driving there and it was like WHOA I cant believe I am here!

I walked in, signed myself in, and sat down with a magazine. It was after lunch, so pretty soon, one by one, couples started coming in. I was soon surrounded by people whispering about the cost of IVF, how 8,000.00 was better than the 12,000.00 last time, husbands dropping off sperm samples, and that awkward silence that seems to loom over the waiting room. Ya know because being at a infertility Dr. is such a happy place and all. And I surprisingly was calm and comfortable, which is what I was worried about. It was much less scary being there now that I've done it all before. Much less.

They all remembered me, which is another thing that surprised me. I haven't been there since May/June 2009! My RE walked out and gave me a hug and said it was nice to see me...I asked him if he knew then that I'd be back one day and that M just turned a year old. It was a much more casual encounter than a typical reproductive consult, probably because I have worked with RESOLVE and met him and his family at the Walk of Hope for the last 2 years. He has twins that he conceived by doing his own IVF! I guess that one of the perks...making your your own babies! The unconventional way.

We sat down and after talking about the baby and my crazy birth story, we got down to business. I told him I was there because we have thought about having another baby, but after I hit 12 weeks he went back on the testosterone shot...to which he yelled out "NOOOOOO". Yeah, I know. That's like saying I wanna get pregnant but I have no uterus! I reminded him that we had 2 sperm samples and as we looked over the analysis of those, we realized that even though that is the case, it doesn't look too promising for us, unless we want to do IVF with ICSI. I mean we have a shot and could use them for insemination's, but achieving a pregnancy realistically may not happen.

And this is why.

The 2 sperm samples my husband submitted filled 13 little vials. Each one of those vials contains contains 4 ml of fluid. In each one of my husbands 13 vials there in somewhere between 2-3 million sperm. And when defrosting frozen sperm you lose up to 50% in the thaw and spin. So yeah, 13 vials sounds like so much, but really its crap because there probably only 1-2 mil. good sperm in each one of those vials.

This all got me thinking about how donor sperm works, I mean its frozen and people use it all the time! Well he told me that in a donor sperm vial there would be a minimum 10 mil. sperm per vial and that's a minimum. And my DH has 2-3mil. Now do you see the problem? I means its not impossible, just unlikely.

Dr. J and I tossed around some other ideas....like DH going back on HCG injects and just trying fresh IUI's (given the hcg worked again).  But that is asking a lot out of my husband- injects 3x per week, more sperm analysis's (after M was born he told me he would never do it in a cup again, poor guy..hahaha!), and all the monitoring. I'm just not sure he would be down to put his body through that again. And I don't blame him. We put him through so much trying to have M, and although we know now what worked, like I said I'm just not sure he would go through all that again. I know what he going to say...lets just use what we have.

My RE did say he would like to "just see" if he is making any sperm now that he is back on male birth control, although highly highly unlikely there much going on in there. I am interested to see myself, so I brought home a sperm collection cup and put a smiley face on it.....he may throw it at me. We'll see ; ) See isn't this romantic?

Then we moved onto to me.

I asked him if he thinks I should repeat all my testing (CD 3 u/s, b/w, and the dreaded HSG) and he thinks that because our sperm is so scarce, he would hate to use it all up for nothing if I did have a blocked tube (even though they were wide open last time, that can change) and I agree! I really don't mind doing it, because it really would all be for nothing if a tube is blocked and that's the only way to tell. I mean I am not looking forward to it, being that some people have been known to pass out from the pain. But if you remember last time I had it done, I was one of the lucky ones....it was not bad at all for me! So I'm game.

So "the plan" for now is to at least get my testing done this cycle or next and at least use the sperm we have with IUI's sometime before May (that's when we have to pay our storage fees again, and I have a unopened 300 unit cartridge of Follistim in my fridge I want to use that expires in June). We probably have enough for maybe 2 IUI's. Last time it took 3. And its frozen sperm. And I'm just  not sure if I should get myself all "We're going to have another baby mode" because the reality is, it doesn't look too great and we don't have infinite resources. We are all out of pocket and these treatments aren't cheap!! I'm just not sure how far we are willing to go or even IF we are willing to pursue anything if this doesn't work. I mean we are blessed enough to have 2 beautiful little girls and I know how lucky I am to even have them, so I guess I might have to just find a way to be done if this doesn't work.

So here we are again.....

Should I put my infertility acronyms back up on my side panel? Or do yall understand what, IF, BC, U/S, B/W, S/A, and OOP mean? : )