Summer Fun

I cant think of a better way to kick off Summer than by hanging pool side with friends! I look forward to many more days like this :)

Onto The Next...

I started AF yesterday. At 13dpiui. I did stop my progesterone they day before though, but took another test yesterday morning just to be sure. It didn't matter though because in the afternoon I started full flow. I am actually happy about that because that means I can start the pill again on Sunday. And that also means my next cycle (break cycle) will end and our next treatment cycle will begin June 20 something! That's not that far!

I am going back on the pill again because I am very prone to cysts and long cycles, so this way we can insure a nice 28 day cycle and NO cysts, which also saves me the 290.00 for a CD 3 u/s (my RE will let me skip if I've been on the pill). It's weird to me to think about what I am putting my body through though going back and forth between taking the pill to suppress ovulation, then giving myself shots to super ovulate. I'm telling my body 'DONT OVULATE' then 'OVUALTE' then 'DONT OVULATE' then 'OVUALUTE'. I wonder if its confused? Oh well. Unless I want a potential 50 day cycle, then a huge cyst, and have to wait out another 40 or more day cycle this is in order! I'm really okay with it, and I don't think its an issue but when I really thought about it yesterday I was like wow!

Whatevs, I start the pill tomorrow! Hope everyone has a fun and relaxing Memorial Day weekend! We are going to a pool party today, and the zoo on Monday.

Negative.

Just as I suspected, I am not pregnant. As much as I was prepared to only see one line, there still was that little part of me that was hoping and PRAYING I would get a miracle. That I would be the lucky one that had a successful IUI with only 2.4mil sperm. That I would see 2 glorious pink lines this morning.

But I didn't.

Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.

But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.

We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.

At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!

10dpiui

And no symptoms at all. Not one. No sore boobs, not a twinge of a cramp, nothing. I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant. I told my DH yesterday that there was no way I was pregnant. His response was 'well things can happen at different times and you may not have the same symptoms as before'. I know, I know but I feel like especially because I have been pregnant twice before I would know if something was going on. Maybe not, but that's where I'm at.

And I know EXACTLY how I gained so much weight while trying to have baby M. Progesterone is the devil. I CAN NOT get full. Seriously, I will eat a meal and then 30 min. could eat another meal. Its bad. When I did get pg with M and had to stay on it for 12 weeks, I gained 12 pounds! IN THE FIRST TRI!  Hello your baby is the size of a pea there is no reason to gain that kind of weight! Once I stopped it, the weight gained stopped too. It's amazing! I'm still fighting the battle though and going to the gym everyday even though my diet has been in the shitter.

2 more days until testing!!

Meal Planning Monday

This is what's for dinner at my house this week!

• Grilled Flank Steak with Tomatoes, Red Onions, and Balsamic served with a baked potato for the H and a baked sweet potato for me and M (kay wont eat either) and a spring mix salad.
• Broiled Salmon with Marmalade Dijon Glaze  served with jasmine rice, sauteed zucchini, and a side salad.
• Swedish meatballs with Egg Noodles
• Chicken Quesadillas with a homemade chunky guacamole.
• BBQ Turkey Sliders  with homemade oven fries.

High Heels

For the last couple weeks, M's new fascination has been with a pair of Kay's dress up shoes. She would put one on and clock around the house. She tried and tried to put both on, and desperatly wanted to wear both, but it was too challenging for her to balance. So she's been doing the one heel walk. Well it didnt take her long to learn how to walk in those heels boy, because just a few days later she's mastered it! Now she walks around the house in her high heels all the time. Some toddlers are still mastering walking/running and here my little girl is walking in heels!

 

 

 They're just a little big though dontcha think?

Doesnt stop her though!

6dpiui

Good lord could this 2ww go by ANY slower? I have to admit though as much as I WANT this to work, I really don't think this is it. I would love nothing more than to wake up next Thursday to 2 nice big fat pink lines, but lets face it chances are I will be seeing a lonely single line. I keep telling myself every time I muster up a little hope and think "maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones" I stop myself and say "c'mon Lisa, do you really think your gonna pee on a stick in a week and see 'Pregnant'? Get real!" Its sort of abusive really, but its the only way I can try to brace myself for a BFN. Not get my hopes up. Its an evil vicious cycle.

It's safe to say that the side effects from the progesterone are kicking in. The last 2 days I have been so drained and exhausted!

Symptom check: None yet. But it's still early, so if a did get blessed with a miracle little baby P would just now be implanting so I don't expect much yet.

This is going to be the longest 2ww EVER!

iPhone Photos

Kay in her dance recital costumes for ballet and jazz..

Enjoying the park...

Too cool..



Who needs toys when you have diaper boxes, these entertained them for hours!

Say What?

CD 18: IUI Day

Today was the big day. Boy I though this day would never come, it was rough ride getting here but I made it! I woke up super early today, I guess it was the nerves. I wasn't nervous about the IUI itself, they are pretty simple but I was super worried about the sperm and how it would thaw, how much we would get, etc.

We defrosted 3 of the 12 vials we have and ended up with only 2.4 mil. total motile sperm for today's IUI. They really like more than 5 mil. for IUI's, but that's what we got. I had 3 mature follies on the left side, so hopefully ONE of those sperm meets ONE of those eggs. Its completely out of my hand and into gods.

I realize that these numbers could be much worse, but I was really hoping for 5-7 mil. I want to have hope, but lets face it the odds are against us. However, it only takes one:::::it only takes one:::::::it only takes one:::::: I have to keep telling myself that.

Bring on the 2ww! My test date is May 28th, but I will probably test on the 26th or 12dpiui. That's when I got my BFP last time, so I feel pretty secure testing on that date. I never ever test sooner than that, so here's to hoping the next 12 days fly by!

CD 15

I have to start out by saying that I truly love my RE's office and the staff there. It is all the same staff from the last time I cycled, so I have gotten a chance to really "know" a lot of them and vise vera through the years. My Dr. is amazing and really trying his best to accommodate my OOPness, and they are all just rooting for me. Today they gave me a bag of 8 boxes of Crinone to try and save me a little money and 2 of the nurses were fighting for which one was going to get to do my IUI. I just love all of them! And in case you were wondering about the IUI...well  this thing is just dragging on and on...but I've spent so much time and money already that there is no point in stopping now.

Today's daily vag cam visit showed 3 on the left still at 18, 17, and 15 with a few smaller ones. Still nothing considerable on the right. And my OPK was still negative today. So they did grow. A little.  I knew I should have done a 75 shot yesterday instead of a 50. Me and the Dr went back and forth a little bit about it, but he was still worried because of my age and the fact that I could potentially have too many, so 50 it was even though I was pushing for 75. Well I was right. And I made sure to tell him that today ; )

And just because things cant possibly go the way expected to now (we all thought I would defiantly trigger today), I'm not. Instead I did another shot of Bravelle. 75 units this time. Because sometimes a woman just knows best!

BUT

I can at least say that I am on the books now! I will trigger tomorrow night at 10:30 pm and am scheduled for an IUI on Saturday morning at 8:30 am. There is no reason for me to come in again tomorrow, because even if they don't grow at all (which shouldn't be the case, they should at least grow another 1mm) that 18, 17 and maybe even the 15 should each have a viable mature egg. We are just pushing for a little closer to the "ideal" 20mm.

Me and the RE also had a pretty heart to heart conversation about what he would do if he were in this position, and he thinks because this cycle has gone so array that we should only thaw a MAXIMUM of 3 vials, no matter what the counts and save the rest for a more textbook cycle. I agree, although don't get me wrong this could still result in a pregnancy and he made me very aware of that! I should have 2-3 mature eggs, and although they are all on one side, it is still very possible! I don't have too much hope and would feel better if there were targets on each side, but it is what it is at this point and it is completely out of my hands and into gods.

So now I just PRAY that I don't get a + OPK tomorrow, because if I do my IUI will be pushed to Friday. The 13th. I would just much rather have immaculate timing than surge on my own.

CD 14

Annnnnd the saga continues folks. I keep hoping that every time I post an update here that I will have a definite answer of what is going with my cycle, but once again my body has its own ideas. Even my Dr. thinks this whole thing is pretty bizarre! I went in today and low and behold my ovaries look EXACTLY like they did on Sunday! I have a 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, and an 11 on the left side. And only 2 other little guys on the right (10 and 13). Is that bad to have all of them on one side?? That's pretty much how things were looking on Sunday, then I apparently stalled out a little for the last 2 days and now back to where they were. Freaky Freaky! So the extra little shot yesterday must have given them the memo that this isn't over yet.

However, I am still not ready. My RE thought that I should do another shot today and *hopefully* I'll be ready for trigger tomorrow for an IUI on Friday. But because I had already used all of my 300 unit cartridge with this cycle already and he didn't want me busting into a whole new one, he called in a 75 unit vial of Bravelle upstairs to the pharmacy. So I ran upstairs, paid the 55.00 bucks, came back down stairs, mixed the meds and gave myself a shot right there on the spot. Done and Done.

He said I didn't have to come back tomorrow, remember I am all OOP and paying $290 a pop here so he is trying to be mindful of that, which I do appreciate. He said that I could just go ahead and trigger tomorrow night. We discussed this and I told him that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about that. What I have learned over the last 6 days is that I can no longer trust my body to do what it should do. Theoretically, they should have continued to grow over these last couple days. Not stop. And yes, they should grow and be ready tomorrow but after all this, I am not sure that's what will happen. I am just not willing to take ANY chances here and would rather shell out the extra $$ than waste my only shot at ever having another baby. I just cant.

So I'll be shelping my ass back to the RE's office tomorrow once again, for the 4th day in a row and my 5th so far this cycle for another u/s. I really don't mind it, except the money part. Either way, we decided that since this has gotten so crazy that if for any reason I am not ready tomorrow- we are just going to cancel, scrap this cycle, and start over. So much has happened already, that if I am not ready tomorrow I am not prepared to continue on under these weirdo circumstance.


Also, before I forget we all had a suedo meeting while I was there. Myself, my RE, and the sperm guy. I feel bad calling him that, but I don't know what his official job title is. I just wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page as to what we are dealing with and what exactly will go down Friday, if that is IUI day. Sperm guy says he will start with defrosting 2 vials first, then add a 3rd and so on until we hit 5 mil. or above. What he told me next had me spinning into a full blown panic attack. He said that the sperm has not been washed or prepped! WHATS THAT YOU SAY SPERM GUY??!! My jaw literally hit the floor and stayed there for at least 30 seconds. That means there will be even less in each vial after they spin/wash it. I was under the impression that this was all done at collection time and these numbers were post wash, etc.

I don't know guys, I just really beaten up here about this whole thing. I sure hope all this isn't a sign...

16 Months

I cant believe my little buttercup is 16 months old already. But here we are all...in full blown toddler mode! These last few months she has really blossomed into this little sweet person that has become capable of so much! It's really amazing how smart she is. I know every parent says that about their kid, but she truly amazes me with some of the things she does.

She doesn't say much, but boy does she listen. She follows directions VERY well, that alone impresses me daily. For example, if you tell her we are going bye bye, or she sees me gathering up my stuff and getting my purse, etc. she will go to the shoe basket, dig through to find her matching pair of shoes, then hands them to me, and sits on the floor for me to put them on. Most recently, she has become aware of her poopie diapers. If she has a poopie and you say in your annoying mommy voice "Do you have a poop twos?? (that's what I call it...hahaha)" she will grab her diaper, then head toward her room or lay on the floor to get changed. Or if you tell her its ni ni time and its time to brush our teeth, she goes to her bathroom and waits to get her teeth brushed. She's knows what up!

If you ask her to go get something from a certain room in the house, she will. And if you ask her to put something back in a certain place, she does. She's a listener! But the one thing that still worries me slightly and I have mentioned this before here, is her speech development. I just feel like she should be saying more. We know she is capable and smart enough. She was a late babbler and has never been very vocal baby. Is she just quite, or is there an issue? Right now, she says: dada, mama, cup, uh oh, quack quack, moo, and she tries to say Kay and cat. She will sign eat, more, and all done.

I brought this up at her 15 month appt. Her Dr. asked me a few other questions and then said "I would almost bet on my reputation that this girl is perfectly fine!" So I kinda tried to stop worrying about it so much. But I will say this, as a mother I know to trust my gut. And if at her 18 month appoint I still have concerns, I WILL push for an early evaluation.

Okay onto the fun stuff....

-At her 15 mth appt. she weighed almost 22lbs (25%), was 30 1/2 inches long (50%), and her head was still in the 75-95%. All of this is right on track of where she was at 12 months.
-She takes 1 1.5-2 hour nap per day and sleeps from 7-7:30pm to 6:30am with out any issues.
-She wears a size 4 diaper, 18-24 month clothing, and size 5 shoe.
-We think her hair is going to be curly like her sisters!
-She is very girly already. She loves to wear jewelry and sits patiently to get her nails painted!
-She still eats like a champ, loves all her veggies and fruit. The only thing we know of that she doesn't like is eggs. She just wont eat them.
-She has 14 teeth, including her first 4 molars. This is actually the longest time she's gone without getting new teeth, but I don't think her canines are too far off.

She loves: Music! The WHOLE time we are in the car she is dancing. If we are in a store and there is music, she dances. She loves music, its so cute! Milk, she would drink a gallon a day if you let her! Sesame Street, it is the ONLY show she will actually sit and watch. Her babies doll, she carries around her babies all day. Puts them down for naps with her blanky and her most favorite thing to do is push them in the doll stroller. She will go round and round and round the island in kitchen pushing her baby in the stroller. Blocks, the nanny says she is going to be an engineer because she could play blocks and build all day. She also loves books, but she wont actually sit still enough for me to read her a story, long walks, going to the park, and being outside. And to EAT, she's loooves to eat. If she's not eating, she's not happy!

She hates: Being strapped in her stroller if we are not moving, for example she WILL NOT sit in her stroller at Kay's soccer games, or if we are at a party, or at a restaurant, she wants out! I am kinda jealous of the moms who have babies that will sit calmly in their strollers. I wish! Sharing with her sister, for some reason this is a problem. Not so much with other babies, but she doesn't like to share toys/etc. or even her Mommy with Kay, but of course Kay instigates her at times. I guess that's the way it rolls with siblings.

There you have it! Miss M in a nutshell at 16 months!

CD 13

Just when I thought things couldn't get ANY weirder with this cycle and my body, they did. Once again, I walked in to meet my fate with the vag cam expecting answers and a conclusion to this mess and walked out with even more questions and even more confused than ever.

My Doc placed the vag cam in, and started with the left first (my rock star side). Well you know how yesterday there was  17 and a 16's and some 14's on that side? Well now there is NO 17, but a 16, a few 15's, and then a few more trailing along at 13. U/S showed NO growth. WTF?!! I am completely and utterly clueless as to what is going on here. At first he thought well maybe I ovulated on my own already? But I have not gotten a + OPK as of yet. Although I did have to take it earlier yesterday and today because of my appointments. 

He moved over to the right side and I have a few on that side still, but they are all SMALL (like 10-12)!!!! He thinks that maybe we need to "keep feeding them" for them to continue to grow?? So I am instructed to give myself a 50 unit shot and come back tomorrow. I really don't know what to think at this point. We are both kind of at a loss to what is going on. But I guess the body works in mysterious way and this is showing us just how unpredictable it and infertility can be.

I decided that from now on I am leaving my expectations of whats going to happen with this cycle at the door, because here I went from on the verge of being cancelled for having TOO many to basically flat lining in the last couple days.

The only thing I can do now is trust my Dr. and hope that my body is just keeping us on our toes a little. Because like Thomas Jefferson said anything worth having is worth fighting for......

Meal Planning Monday

• Ranch Chicken I use chicken tenders for this recipe. Served with broccoli and a baked potato (I skip that!)
• Kale Potato Sausage Soup I got a bunch of potatoes in my Bountiful Basket this week, so I am trying to find creative ways to use them :) This is similar to the Toscana Soup at Olive Garden, YUM!
• Tomato, Basil, and Cheese Pasta Bake I take short cut here. I use jarred sauce and I also add 1 pound of 93% lean ground beef or turkey. Served with a side salad.
• Grilled Steak Fajitas served with southwestern corn on the cobb.
• Chicken Rollatini with Spinich alla Parmigiana served with a spring mix salad.

CD 12

I walked into my appointment this morning for my follow up u/s expecting to know if we would be cancelled or not. I assumed that we'd either cancel, or be ready to trigger. Neither of this was the case. I still cant believe how different this cycle is going compared to all of my others. Leave it up to infertility to throw a curve ball at you when you least expect it. All of my follies continued to grow, but now I have a 17, 16, 16, 14, 14, in the lead with a few more smaller ones around 11, 12, and 13. We tossed around a few ideas...

-Trigger today hoping that only the 17 and 16's produce an egg even though they are not the "ideal" size for trigger. We almost did this, but I decided that if I am going to use this sperm for our final IUI's I want the conditions to be PERFECT and this was not.

-Cancel assuming they will all continue to grow and we will have too many follies to proceed. Which unfortunately this is what we think is going to happen considering that they already continue to grow since my last u/s 2 days ago.

-Or come back tomorrow and PRAY that the 14's seize and the 16's and 17 are ready for for trigger tomorrow (my RE likes them to be around 20 at trigger time).

I really don't want to cancel unless we have to and I am not ready to pull the plug just yet. I am still hoping that we can continue with this cycle and my body will cooperate so I am going back at 9:00am tomorrow for another u/s to see where they are at. FINGERS STILL CROSSED!!!!!

CD 10

I walked into my first monitoring appointment this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to see what was cooking in my ovaries this go round. I knew something was going on on the left side because starting yesterday I've been getting twinges and fullness on that side..but I was totally not expecting to get the news I did... 

The nurse scanned my right ovary first. I have (2) 15mm follies and a few more tiny ones on that side. Then she moved on to the left...I have SIX yes SIX follies on that side ranging from 11-15mm. I was in complete and utter shock that I respond the way that I did this time. I have always had 1-3 follies and have been on this protocol before, so I was completely  stunned. So as it stands right now, I have a 50% chance that this cycle will be cancelled for over stimulating. We are hoping and praying that the smaller ones stay small, and that the bigger ones stay dominate and continue to grow.

I go back on Sunday for another scan to see where they are at. If I have more than 3-4 mature follicles Sunday we will be cancelled. I really really hope that isn't the case because that means all the money we've spent so far, all the meds, etc. was a complete waste. But the risks of having multiples (heck even twins scare the shit outta me!!) would be far too great to proceed and one that I or my Dr. would not be willing to take. We'll see what happens on Sunday. FINGERS CROSSED!

So please if you can spare a few extra prayers for me and my ovaries it would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank You!!

CD 8

I started my daily OPK's this morning (today's was negative), took my last clomid pill last night (good rid dins!) and my last follistim shot just a few minutes ago! Thankfully nothing crazy happened this time. I have been doing the shots myself and I am pretty proud of myself! But lets face it, its either that or get stabbed again. So I think I'll just suck it up and do it.

I haven't started feeling anything in my ovaries yet, no dull aches or fullness so I am curious to see how well I respond this time. It is only CD 8 so maybe in the next few days I'll start feeling something. Next up- my ultra sound/follie check on Friday!

I know this is probably going to sound crazy, but during the midst of all this I am still trying to lose 5 pounds. Ambitious I know given that I am being pumped full of hormone this month but I AM DETERMINED. Of course, if I get pregnant I will ease up but until I see 2 lines it's full steam ahead. We are going on a 7 day eastern Caribbean cruise at the beginning of June!! That means I'll be in a bathing suit for 7 days straight. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I've been doing really well eating good and maintaining my exercise routine, and plan to continue to do so except the 2 days following my IUI. After that I might ease up a little on the intensity of my workouts during the 2ww until I test. Eeekkk! I'm scared already!

Would it be too much to ask for to lose 5 lbs AND get pregnant? : )

Wordless Wednesday

CD 6

Well here I am on CD 6 and you'll never believe what happened. Did you read my post on CD 4? If not, read that first for some insight.

Tonight my husband went to give me my second shot. I prepped myself, got everything ready and figured out a better way to grab something to inject into. So I pulled my pants down, scrunched my belly down, and grabbed (again) what I could. I held on as my husband pelted the needle toward my abdomen, and then you'll never believe what happened next. Never in a million years.

The needle went in and then THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE AND INTO MY FINGER!!!!!

At first I wasn't sure if he just nipped my finger, so I told him to go ahead and inject. Then I felt this cool liquid dripping down my stomach. WHAT KINDA FREAKY SHIT IS THIS?!

He pulled it out and it defiantly didn't go in. The clear medicine was all over my stomach and my finger was bleeding where the needle hit me. At first we were both so stunned as to what just happened. Neither of us could believe it. I mean, REALLY have you ever heard of such a crazy ass thing?! EVER?

After I settled down, we figured that I didn't grab enough or was pinching too hard and he went in at a bad angle. Combine that with having no fat layer to inject into caused it to go through both sides of my skin and into my finger. Very strange. Anyways, I decided that it was best that I inject myself this time. So again, I sat down (now even more nervous), took a deep breath and just did it. But now I am wondering if any of the first shot made it in? If so, it couldn't have been much. I hope because otherwise I doubled up on my meds tonight. I'm trying to have 1 baby here. Not 6.

I hope this isn't a sign of whats to come.

I have one dose left of clomid- thank god. I have had the worst headaches and dizzy spells (both major side effects from the drug). So I will be glad when that's over!