Thursday, May 26, 2011

Negative.

Just as I suspected, I am not pregnant. As much as I was prepared to only see one line, there still was that little part of me that was hoping and PRAYING I would get a miracle. That I would be the lucky one that had a successful IUI with only 2.4mil sperm. That I would see 2 glorious pink lines this morning.

But I didn't.

Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.

But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.

We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.

At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!

11 comments:

Amy said...

I'm sorry. Lots of hugs!! Have fun on your vacation!!!!

the d'angelo family said...

Hi Lisa. I've been following your blog now ever since before you got pg with Miss M, but decided to finally comment to tell you how sorry I am that your test was negative. My heart just tore for you when I saw the title of your post and then went on to read it. I totally remember those feelings. Hang in there and ENJOY your cruise! Have a few coctails indeed!

Momma Wilson said...

I'm so sorry, I've been praying for this cycle to work for you! Have a wonderful trip, drink lots of mommy juice, and hope for next time:) hugs!

stacey said...

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling all to well. It doesn't get any easier, even when you think you've "protected" yourself by all the self-talk. It still sucks, and I'm sorry. I hope you have a fabulous vacay!

WantWait&Pray said...

I'm so sorry Lisa.
Doesn't matter if you talked yourself out of having hope, seeing 1 line always feels like a stab in the side.

Enjoy your cocktails on your cruise and get that body ready to go into preggo mode as soon as you get back!

Brooke said...

So sorry. I hope you enjoy your vacation even though you arent pg. Yes have a margarita! I havent had one in over 2.5 years. lol

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Im so sorry. You said it so well..even if you know it will be negative, its amazing how much it still hurts.

Its not over yet..you have another cycle to look forward to and I bet this time itll be perfect!

Amber and Brian said...

Don't beat yourself up. Of course you had that hope. I had it for you. I'm sorry. :::HUGS::: But yes, you can at least enjoy some drinks on your cruise. :)

laugavitz said...

that sucks, sorry.

Nichole said...

Hugs to you! Have fun on the cruise though.

electriclady said...

So sorry this one didn't work. No matter how prepared you are for the result, it still really sucks. Hope you had a good time on your vacation.