Negative.

Just as I suspected, I am not pregnant. As much as I was prepared to only see one line, there still was that little part of me that was hoping and PRAYING I would get a miracle. That I would be the lucky one that had a successful IUI with only 2.4mil sperm. That I would see 2 glorious pink lines this morning.

But I didn't.

Instead it was 1 lonely line. I am surprised how much it still hurts, even after ALL day yesterday I prepped myself for this moment, trying to ignore that little glimmer of hope. Because this is what I in fact knew was going to happen, I was just hoping I was wrong, that I am just jaded by infertility, and that it would work somehow. That I would get my miracle.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous to test this morning. I kept telling myself 'Why are you worried, you know what your going to see. Don't set yourself up'. And at 5:30 this morning when I first stared at that negative test, I didn't cry. I told myself 'ofcourse'. I didn't think I was going to cry, and I was slighlgy relieved that the torture of the 2ww was over.

But as I sat down with a cup of coffee, the thoughts of what could have been creeped into my mind and a few little tears went down my face. I guess that glimmer of hope was louder than I thought. It hurts. It hurts not to be able to have sex with my husband to create a baby. It hurts to give myself shots. It hurts to drain my bank account to just try and have a family, and it hurts when all that is for nothing.

We are going on a family cruise to the eastern Caribbean for 9 days at the beginning of June, so we will be taking June off. I hate that I have to do that, but at least I will get to enjoy my vacation and hopefully that will take my mind off of things. Except for the fact that the last time we went on a cruise, I had just found out I was pregnant with M. Stupid me for thinking that would happen again.

At least I can enjoy a few cocktails though right?!